Optimism. I've always been able to get through ish because I'm blessed with a healthy dose of optimism. If you can find the humor in things and combine that with optimism, you're even better off. I'm lucky enough to be able to do that too, most times. When I departed on my holiday trip home last week, I was on a bit of a high. Things had been going pretty well and I was looking forward to chilling out with the family, watching football and stuffing my face. There were many uncertainties about the future, not just for me but for members of my family, that could've had me overthinking and feeling less than stellar but I chose not to let them get to me. And then I actually got home. The weekend was great, but Monday came around and brought some ridiculousness. Tuesday brought more ridiculousness. And all the ridiculousness will continue through the holiday week and into next weekend, which I'm nervous about. I didn't sleep well last night because I'm stressed as all hell and stress causes the anemia to flare up something fierce, so now there's that. It really is amazing how one can go from being pretty darn good to not wanting to get out their PJ's in record time. And I didn't get out of my PJ's until after noon today. Part of it was because I didn't feel well, but the other part was that I'm almost afraid to ask, "What's next?" when it comes to the run of luck my family has been having this week. And getting up and into presentable clothes and going about your day has the unwanted side effect of progressing time and bringing around the next day and all it's uncertainty.
I spent half the day moping around and overthinking ish and asking myself why I bother to lead with optimism (which is way out of character for me). A month ago, optimism was the obvious choice and it worked out pretty well for me. But this time around...it feels misplaced. It feels like I keep waking up with a huge smile on my face, telling myself I can handle whatever comes down the line, only to be punched right in the face the minute I leave the confines of my room. Thinking about all this began to further depress me, so I decided to get out of my PJ's and make something of the day and go back to being optimistic. And, again, not long after I got that smile on my face, I took another punch. And now here I am writing about it in an effort to try and make sense of things and figure out if it's worth it to be optimistic tomorrow. There's good news in that the fam and I will probably be able to financially handle some things this weekend, which is a luxury I know not everyone has (and frankly, we barely have too). There's good news in that things could always be worse, but they're not and I'm thankful for that. And there's good news in that everyone is here and healthy (except for me at the moment). What bothers me is the uncertainty of everything. Last month, I was able to push the uncertainty aside and be super optimistic that things would work themselves out. But this week feels like a test of some sort. I don't know what's being tested, or why, or why it has to involve certain other people who do not deserve this mess right now. But I know there's no choice other than to go through it and get to the other side. I already knew the holidays would be extra stressful for other reasons and I chose to be optimistic about it all then. Maybe it will be misplaced but I have no other option but to give optimism one last shot.
