So like a moron, I decided to get my life together and stuff prior to the holidays arriving. I have a ton o' work to do, I have to clean out my storage space (and my house, really) and I wanted to get all of this done before I leave for the holiday. And then, life intervened. I caught a touch of some kinda weird sinus/cold/plague thing that is annoying the hell outta me. I don't care for being sick at all, no one does obviously, but the issue is that I generally feel okay, I just can't breathe all that well. And breathing tends to be essential to being alive and stuff, so that's a problem. In spite of this and the other goings on in my life that are uncertain, my newfound super optimism continued to burn bright. And then, Friday the 13th. I'm not super superstitious in life (only in sports), and a friend told me awhile back that any day, even one with an ominous date, is what you make of it. If you believe it's jinxed, it will be and if you don't believe, then you'll be a-ok. Well, she was half right.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that the universe will bring you what you need when you need it, most of the time. I also believe everything happens for a reason. A few nights ago, I had a very vivid dream about one of my better exes. I woke up and thought, "Huh.". It wasn't a bad dream, nor a good one, but the timing was interesting for many reasons. I put it aside and moved on. This morning I was unable to breathe whilst lying down so I got up at the damn crack of dawn and scrolled through some of that social media the kids are all on. Something popped up in my feed talking about how it's difficult for some Libras to fully embrace the concept of love, despite the fact that it's what they desperately want. Reading it was like a word for word explanation of why this ex and I didn't make it to the finish line; "You have so much love to give and of course in return, you want that genuine love back. The thing is, you want it so badly but you often don't know what to do with it.". I read that and was like, "Yep, that's her". I thought it was odd I was reading this after having had that dream recently and my mind started to wonder if the universe was trying to tell me something. And it was, in the final line of the post: "All it takes is the right person to bring the love out of you.". That struck me as, "Slow yo roll, homeboy. If you'd been the right person, ya'll would've worked out.". Again, I put this outta my mind and moved on.
Cold and sinus issues be damned, I decided to spend my Friday night out. And then the universe intervened again when I ran into the very ex I'd been dreaming/reading about and her BFF. It was awkward for a moment, but not painfully so. They invited me to eat with them and I declined, however we talked for about ten minutes. I asked about her son (still sounds odd to say) and how work was going and was happy to hear she's doing well. I left and thought that was the end of it. But the next night we crossed paths again and it ended up being more painfully awkward than I ever imagined a conversation could be. She was talking a mile a minute and saying I'd been on her mind for a few months now and she didn't know how to approach me with what she wanted to say. She went on to tell me that it has occurred to her in last year what we had, how rare it was and how much I loved her. She apologized for some things, particularly not seeing what we had sooner. She said she never meant to string me along over the years of occasional hook ups, but it wasn't necessary to apologize for that. I know her and I know the intention wasn't to lead me on, we were both honest about what was happening as it was happening. Then it went from apologize and analyzing what went wrong to her floating the thought of her and I becoming an "us" again. Aaaaaaand cue the pain in my chest. I adored this woman, and I mean A-DORED this woman for years. During our years together, if you'd asked me what my dream girl was like, I would've pointed you in her direction. Our split was ridiculously painful and I pined for year for years afterward, whether we were still hooking up or not. She was it for me. It wasn't until I fell for someone else, quite unexpectedly, that I was able to move past her. Everything she was saying right now was everything I'd wanted to hear back then. And that killed. Where was this person back then? Why did it take this long and so much time apart, not to mention two kids between us, to realize how amazing what we had was? That's what I was thinking, but I didn't say any of it to her. Because I knew the answer. And it's simple - she wasn't ready. We were each in different phases of our lives back then and she (unconsciously, perhaps) chose to go another way. I don't think she could see a world where her aspirations and our relationship could coexist. And you know, I probably didn't do all I could to show her the vision I had of the two of us spending our lives together. I've always seen our end as both of our faults. And had her confession come a year or even six months ago, my reaction would probably have been very different than it is now. Or maybe it wouldn't have since we're both parents now. It's not two crazy twenty somethings who are off and on. We're two thirty somethings with beautiful children and great jobs and different lifestyles. Things are different now. I still love her, but I'm not in love with her. I care about her very much and want her to have a happy ending because she is so deserving of it. Unfortunately that happy ending is not with me. And that sucks. But everything for a reason, I guess.
