What A Day, What A Day

I had an issue with the friend of a client that could've ended badly if people could read my thoughts.

Me: Then she gets on me for being "agitated".
Me: I was like, "Of course I'm agitated. You're annoying."
Y: LMAO. [Full names me] Tell me you didn't say that out loud...
Me: lol No. And dammit it was difficult not to.

==========

I mentioned a friend of a friend to G and how she looks a lot younger than I assumed she was (her niece turned 17 recently). And G...well, he's Canadian, eh.

Me: I was surprised to see the niece is that old though. She doesn't look old enough to have a kid/niece that age.
G: You're assuming age though. Could be older,  younger, still in 20s, and the parent of the kid is much older.
Me: Nah, it's her twin sister's kid.
G: Maybe they're not identical though.
Me: LMAO. Wtf kinda education do they give ya'll in the damn Yukon? Twins are the same age. Identical or not. At least in Murricah, they is.
G: LMAO. Wait! Nooooooo. That's not what I was trying to say!

==========

A relays a convo she had this morning with an Iraq war vet who is fighting with the system for medical treatment.

E: How fucked up. You serve your country and you come back traumatized and unable to find a job or get medical care.
Y: Omg, right?? It should be a part of the contract that if you serve your country, it has to serve you once you're back.
Me: Except you, G. The only thing you should serve your country is some basic education.
G: LMAO. Fuck you, Giuseppe.
Y: LOL. Seriously. Even just some Sesame Street or something.
A: LOL! "Elmo says, "Twins are the same age in ANY country!"".
G: I hate you guys lol. If I could find a better class of friends, I would.
R: "Better" meaning they can do long division? Cuz methinks you're amongst equals here dude.
G: LOL. Just when I think I have no reason to live, you remind me that I'm stuck with ya'll. *pulls rope tighter*
Me: Just make sure you know how to tie a knot first.
Y: LOL. Buuuuuurn.

==========

Miss N would like to marry me off...like right now. Her latest stunt got the whole family in trouble.

MOC: So the school called me because your daughter told her teacher (direct quote here), "My dad is single and likes to learn".
Me: LOL. That...sounds like something I would say to a teacher.
MOC: Yeah, I know lol. I was called down there because the teacher assumed we were married and that you'd told Miss N to pass along the message. She wanted to let me know my husband is a cad.
Me: How...why do people there assume we're hitched? We're never there together.
MOC: And now I know why. Because you're cheating on me lol.
Me: LOL. Slow your roll, sistah gurl. It was an accident!
MOC: After she broke the news to me I wanted to pull up Gio's picture and be like, "Girl, no. THIS is what I married".
Me: Well don't I feel special.
MOC: You don't deserve to feel special, your daughter is a pimp.
Me: You say "your daughter" like you ain't contribute half the DNA. She's both of our problem, my friend lol.
MOC: True, but it scares me to think just how much of you is surfacing in her lol.
Me: Maybe we can reprogram her. Like when people leave a cult. Or the Mormons.
MOC: LOL. Or you could get snipped and the world will only have to defeat one of your spawn.
Me: Why didn't you show the teacher my picture?
MOC: ...Because...?
Me: You established I was single. Maybe she would've wanted to teach me. Now we'll never know lol.
MOC: LOL. I thought you swore off educators?
Me: Well I'm not gonna marry one. But a roll on the hay, why not? lol
MOC: I'm getting a restraining order.
Me: LOL. You knew what I was when you married me!
MOC: lol Unfortunately, yes.

Ain't parenthood grand?

==========

Relaying the Miss N incident to Agent W.

W: Thank Fonz the foxiest thing she could think of was that you like to learn.

Me: I know. I told MOC I'd still take the teacher's number though lol.

W: lol I'm trying not to choke on my lemonade.

Me: I shoulda had kids a long ass time ago, W. They're great lady bait.

Me: Sure, they occasionally tell hot womensz that you're a homosexual. But yin and yang and all that.

W: LOL. Psssh, my 5-year-old nephew already wants to get married. He doesn't believe my mom when she says he has to grow a mustache, go to college, get a job and have a car before he can get married.

Me: That's brilliant. As long as I don't get a car, I can't get married.

W: lol You're welcome.

Me: "Hey gurl, I'd love to marry you but see...my wife's mom heard from Jesus that I can't marry anyone if I don't have a car."

W: LOL. What a mess that would be. "What had happened was..."

Mr. & Mrs. Stupid

I wrote a previous post about the ridiculousness that was the TLC show, "Married By Mom & Dad". The premiere episode was so stupid that I couldn't bring myself to watch the entire season of the show. I did, however, get weekly updates from our resident reality junkie A, and that prompted me to look up a few recaps of the show to see if any of these idiots actually did get married. As it turns out, only one of the four singles is still hitched. Christina is a 37-year-old with a weird dad named Derald who didn't want to meet her future husband until she walked down the aisle. I got a very desperate vibe from her right from the get go, like she would've married literally anybody her parents threw her way. And it would appear I was right. They convinced her to meet their pick prior to the wedding and she was all gung-ho to marry him. Then, on the day of the wedding, he turned up in his suit and took her aside to say he felt no chemistry for her and would not be marrying her. She had the reception anyway and then asked her parents to find her a mate who would actually marry her. After perusing the reject pile of submissions, mom and dad came up with an uber-religious fella named Tom who claimed God himself was telling him to marry a woman he knew nothing about. Because you can't fix stupid, Christina still insists on not meeting Tom (or even knowing his name) until she walks down the aisle. This time, the dude takes the vows and they go through an awkward-ish reception before it dawns on her that the party's over and the real work of marriage, and getting to know your own husband, begins. That doesn't sit well with Christina, who started the series as being a desperate old maid who wanted to get hitched, but in the end just wanted to have the fancy wedding and party where she was the center of attention. Her attitude towards her new husband does a 180 post-wedding, and she even tells him she doesn't think they should live together because she needs her space. Eventually, they get it together and are possibly already breeding. I don't know who has lower self-esteem here; Christina for thinking the only way to trap a man was to have one marry her sight unseen, or Tom for being a-ok with being a second (possibly third or fourth, her parents interviewed other dudes besides the one who cut and ran) choice of a woman who is thoroughly, 'meh' about his existence. Given the religiousness going on, I'm sure they'll pop out a few kids before calling it quits (or living unhappily ever after because God said so).
Although only one couple on the show remain married, "MBM&D" actually went two for three in terms of actually getting people married. Mitch was the Ken-doll looking Sommelier who was allowing his mother, Military man father and future step-mother pick out his future bride. Dad made the three women they'd narrowed it down to uncomfortable with his pervy, sex-related questions and almost immediately wrote off the lone non-white pick because she had some debt and was in between jobs. That left two leggy blondes who looked like the same damn chick to me. The woman they chose had all three parents sprung, until they asked her how her family felt about her marrying a total stranger and she said they had no idea. She gave them some BS about how her mom lives on the East Coast and she's on the West, so it was difficult to coordinate a phone call to say, "Hey mom, I'm getting married!". No one bought it, and you saw everybody's woody go down a notch, but they all charged ahead anyway. Despite Mitch's friends telling him they saw mofo red flags in her not telling her family about the wedding, he marries her anyway and some of his guests sit on the bride's side of the aisle to fill out the joint (apparently dad and step-mom decided that Mitch's mother should sit on the bride's side, which was a total dick move and I can't believe she allowed them to bully her that way. But then, I got the sense that's what he did during their marriage too. The good news is Mitch is single again so she can sit on the right side of the aisle at his next wedding.). It's implied that the newlyweds consummated their marriage on the wedding night, but I'm not so sure about that. A few weeks later, his wife finally tells her friends about the marriage and they attend a party where both groups of amigos are present. While inside the house drying off after a dip in the pool, Mitch overhears his wife's BFF address "the elephant in the room" and ask his friends if he's gay. The friends don't really answer - and Mrs. Mitch doesn't say a word one way or another. When he comes out and tells the group he is not gay, he asks his wife to stick up for him on the subject and she answers with a flat, "No". Mitch storms off in what some might consider a, 'methinks doth protest too much moment', but I think his problem was that his wife didn't defend him. If they hadn't slept together yet, it doesn't inspire confidence that she wanted to get it on with him. If they had and she still couldn't be sure...well, that's not good either. Whatever her reasons, they didn't speak for days after the fact and then decided that they should no longer be married to one another no more. I'd suspected this chick was on the show either just to be on TV or for other reasons, but we'll never know her true motivations I guess. As for the big, rainbow colored elephant in the room - A thinks Mitch is gay and just too afraid to tell his asshole father, who I'm sure would pitch a fit even though his fiancee looks like she's transitioning from being a man (seriously, I had to do a double take because she looks like that Jenner woman). I don't know if he's gay or not, but I think he's probably questioning that himself. He assumed her friends were asking if he was because was "not macho", but having seen his leisure activities (sunning himself with his male friends, all of them in pastel-colored shorts with not a hair out of place) and mannerisms in the premiere of the show, I don't think it had anything to do with his lack of machoness. Whether he is or he isn't, I hope he figures out how to just be himself.
The last two singles on "MBM&D" were a hot mess, and continued to be so after they withdrew from the process. Marivic was the product of two, "in my country" kinda folks who had weird requirements for her future husband (no bald guys, no tall guys). Her dad a jackass who thought he was the greatest gift ever and felt his daughter should not marry anyone who wasn't exactly like him. Her mom was completely submissive to dad and what he wanted to do; if he didn't like someone, she didn't either, when he decided not to continue on the show, she also left, despite her daughter asking her to stay. Adding to all the drama was the fact that Marivic still lived at home with the folks. Her parents were less than impressed with her suitors, turning away one because he was bald and another because he was not college-educated (which Marivic didn't care about anyway). After butting heads over three different dudes, dad determined no one would be good enough for her and he refused to participate anymore. Mom followed him out the door and Marivic soon followed, telling the cameras that her family wasn't ready for her to be married and so it was best she stay single for now. Marvic is in her mid-30's, so her family has had plenty of time to reconcile the fact that she would get hitched eventually. I think she's just going along with what daddy wants her to do and, if she's not careful, she'll end up in her mid-40's, still single and without children (which she says she wants), all because she didn't have the balls to stand up to her father. The other trainwreck on the show was John, another thirtysomething who was, "only going to get married once" and somehow felt this process was the way to accomplish that goal. John's parents, who have ten other children, are overbearing as all hell and narrow their choices down to a pretty, but anorexic looking chick and a woman named Chandlar (and yes, that's the correct spelling...Lord). Chandlar goes on a date with John and finds him quite interesting, but once she's chosen to marry him and they take a ride from the bridal shop to his home, his demeanor changes completely and she wonders which version is the true version o' John. She soon gets her answer when, four days before the wedding, the two are seated in the living room and she asks him if he's excited about the wedding. John's reply? He puffs up his cheeks, blows some air out, shrugs his shoulders and purses his lips. I bet you can feel all John's excitement just by reading that, huh? His intended is also underwhelmed by the response, yet is still surprised when calls the whole thing off a few days later. Chandlar asks him where he sees things going from there and he says he wants to slow things down and see where they go - but he also doesn't want to date Chandlar. A poet, John is not. But, shockingly, he's probably the only one in the entire cast of characters that grasped the immense stupidity of what he was about to do and hit the abort button just in time.
What did we all learn from this moronic exercise? Well, the first thing is that there will undoubtedly be a second season, with all new desperate idiots lining up to take what their parents think they deserve. This culture we have now of valuing marriage so little that shows like, "Married At First Sight" and "MBM&D" are so popular is actually very sad. I'm not the marrying kind, and I cannot fathom a scenario in which I would want something that life-altering so badly that I'd put my fate in the hands of reality show producers, but even I think it's pathetic how little value is placed on marriage anymore. Or really, how little value is placed on connection. That's where something as major as a marriage should have its roots because, ideally, you're agreeing to spend the rest of your life with this person and work through any and everything that comes your way. So-called "scientists" can't look at a questionnaire you fill out and pair you with your supposed soul mate and promise you it's the one you've been waiting for your whole life. Why? Because we're human. No answers on a page can dictate chemistry or attraction or passion, all of which are necessary for a romantic relationship. Going purely off physical attraction and sex is obviously not going to produce a successful marriage, but it is a vital part of the process for most of us. Who wants to spend their life with someone they aren't compatible with sexually? Unfortunately, the powers that be would rather have ratings and know there are always people out there desperate for their 15 minutes, so that's what wins out. And really, if you're stupid enough to go on these shows and marry a complete stranger, you get what you get and I have zero sympathy.

Who Can Take A Rainbow And Wrap It In A Sigh

Lent snuck up on us this year (since when does it start the same week of the Super Bowl? That's insanity.), so Miss N and I were kinda at a loss of what to give up. We don't eat a whole lot of junk and our habits tend to be healthy, for the most part. I considered adopting a habit, which is what my mom does every year, but nothing really struck my fancy. And then I realized that Miss N and I could stand to give up the candy, something we've had way too much of around the house since Christmas. And then Miss N brought home a mess of chocolate from her school's V-Day festivities.

Miss N: Dad, look at all this candy we can't have!
Me: We can put it up until Eas-oooooh, this is the good kid of PB heart. *Unwraps and eats it immediately*
Miss N: *Look of shock and jealousy that sustains me* DAD!! We gave that up!
Me: While you were gone, I decided I'd give up donuts instead. Oh yeah, you're giving them up too. Along with candy. *grins*
Miss N: *Shoots daggers out her eyes just like her mama* 

==========

Fresh off the candy discussion, I had to tell of my parenting win:

Me: Miss N brought home PB hearts from school and I ate them. I told her I gave up donuts instead, which she also has to give up. Along with the candy. Judging from the look she gave me, you'll find my body in the river by morning.
Her: LOL. You're an ass.
Me: lol Hey, yesterday she told me my ass looked fat in some jeans. She earned it. I'm not here to be shaded by a 7-year-old.
Her: And your solution was to eat MORE candy. Got it.
Me: Yes, because she also wants a step-mom. So by getting even fatter, I take her candy AND her dreams.
Her: LMAO! #Parenting
Me: lol I'ma write a book. Be the new Dr. Spock. Dr. Babu, MD.
Me: NO. Dr. Doogie Babu, MD.
Her: LOL. Well, that escalated quickly.

I gotta get more kids. Moments like these are why Miss N will not support me in my old (and apparently fat) age. I need reserves.

Now That's Class

*Friend talks about how date was going swimmingly until the dude brought up his ex*

Me: See, this is why dating is awful these days. Because no one has the sense to give off the illusion that they're normal. They lead with past crap and, oh by the way, I'm a fucking psycho.
W: So dating is awful because you find out up front what you could've found out later?
Me: Exactly. BUT I would've found out the crazy after we'd at least hooked up a few times. So it wouldn't be a total loss.
W: LOL. You're all class, husband.

==========

Speaking of dating, S is now in town full-time and has committed to finding me a life mate. She finally decided who she wants to set me up with but described the woman as, "total marriage material" and I asked her why she would do that to me. And then...

S: Let me explain myself! By "total marriage material", I meant that she's been married before, but she's on the fence and leaning towards not doing it again. I meant that she would be a good life partner.
Me: Hmmm...Are you lying just so I'll go out with her? And are you gonna make me go anyway?
S: Kinda and yes. 
Me: LOL. Rock me gently, S.
S: But really I just think you have a lot in common and would hit it off. And if you don't, I can dig into the less classy side of my Rolodex and find you someone who will put out without dating.
Me: This is where I should inquire about the date and why you describe her as classy. But instead, I'd like to know if I can peer into the "put out" section of your Rolodex.
S: LOL. Given how this convo has gone, I'm sure you'll get there in no time. And yes, classy. She's foreign so obviously she's classier than we the people. With an accent and shit.
Me: Not Canadian though, right? Cuz, lady or not, I will clock you.
S: lol I know better than that. And thank you so much for considering me a lady!
Me: I misspoke. I was under pressure and panicking about the date's origin.
S: LOL "Origin". She's not a fucking alien. You need to stop watching "The X-Files".
Me: lol It ends next week, so I'd set the date up for anytime after that.
S: I'll say next month just to be sure it's out of your system.
Me: Wait, what kinda accent?
S: I'm not telling you anymore. You can wait and see. Otherwise, it's not really a blind date.
Me: Not Scottish though, right? And not a redhead? And not Russian?
S: LOL Omg. You only like about 1% of the population.
Me: lol That's highballing it. But seriously, I need answers or I'ma say no.
S: No, no and no. And that's all you get.
Me: Whew. Wait, what accent then?
S: No mas, amor!
Me: German? Brit? Spanish? I need to know!
S: I didn't know you liked Germans.
Me: I don't. I don't know why I asked about that one. Germans are scary too.
S: LOL. You're right, 1% is highballing it. #StayClassy

This is why I told my friends I was opened to them setting me up on blind dates. Because I knew they'd all get fed up with my nitpicking and leave me alone. But the force is strong with this one. #Dammit

Super Bowl Bliss

If you're the father of a daughter, you rewrite classic Disney songs. It's what you do.

I told W I was tres excited for the Super Bowl and that I would be drinking a bit so she should get ready for a damn good show.

W: I bought snacks to observe.

Me: ...Why are you observing snack items? Some kinda hipster protest against sports?

Me: Look at these snacks, isn't they neat? Wouldn't you think my boofay is complete!

W: LOL. Let me rephrase. I bought snacks to consume while I observe you being durnk.

Me: I've got taquitos and hot wings aplenty, I've got churros and muffins galooooore! But who cares, no big deal. I want s'mooooooooresssss!

W: LOL!! I just bought a box of girl scout cookies. Close enough.

The next day...

Me: So yesterday all I had to drink was half a Starbucks coffee and three cans o' liquor. I don't remember waking up in the middle of the night, but apparently I stumbled around like a zombie at 5AM to go get a bottle of water.

Me: I drank almost the entire bottle, then flung the bottle at the wall and climbed back into bed.

W: LOL. You did not!!!

Me: lol Yep. No memory at all.

W: lol "Thriller" just started playing in my head

==========

We clicked away from the dismal Halftime show to watch something else for a minute.

*Woman on show talks about her mother favoring her sister when they were children and how it affected her as an adult*

Y: Wow, how awful.
Me: Right? Every time I hear stories like that, it makes me glad that mom didn't like any of us.
Y: LOL. Best. Childhood. Ever.
Me: lol Hell yes. She didn't discriminate, we all worked her nerves.

Thank you to everyone who attended the festivities this year. Let's do it all again next year, shall we? Complete with another Championship.

Man Up

My beloved Broncos are Super Bowl champs and what a hell of a day Sunday was (more on that next post). Most everyone I talked to prior to the SB said they were rooting for Peyton to go out on a high, but it wouldn't be awful if Carolina won because Cam Newton seemed like a good guy. And maybe he is, but he didn't show it last night. In case you missed it, the regular season NFL MVP got manhandled by Von Miller and company in an ass-whooping that included two QB fumbles leading to scores. The second of those fumbles ended up leading to the nail in the coffin for Carolina and the peculiar thing about it was that Newton made very little effort to recover the ball. He basically watched two Broncos pounce on it and refrained from even attempting to go to the ground. Maybe he didn't want to take anymore hits, but it's kinda, sorta in your job description to try and win the game. And he had to know that losing that fumble, deep in Carolina territory, would make it near impossible to make a comeback. That fumble was Cam Newton's season on the line and he watched it slip away. Also in an NFL QB's job description is meeting with the media post-game, and that ended up being the worst part of the night for Newton's image.
Carolina Panthers coach Ron Rivera gave a few (and probably more) post-game interviews and in the ones I saw, he said all the right things. He commended the Broncos defense on an unreal performance and he mentioned having told his team that just two years ago, Denver was on the losing end of a SB and now we're champs. It's little consolation to say, "There's always next year", but in this case it's true. Unfortunately, Carolina's quarterback didn't get the memo. He took questions for exactly three minutes and thirteen seconds, wrapped up tight in a hoodie and answering almost everything with, "I don't know what you want me to say" or short, one word answers. When asked a question about his teammates and how they've been so close all year, he simply got up and walked out of the presser and has made no further comment. Talk about a childish move. It takes years to build a reputation, but it takes very little to lose it. Newton went through the season on a high, playing with an excitement and passion for the game that gained him a lot of fans. I watched several of Carolina's games this season to see if they could pull off a perfect season and was impressed with his athleticism. Some people accused the Panthers of too much excessive celebration and of rubbing their opponents noses in their victories, but I saw nothing of the sort. It was obvious they were having fun as a team and the huge leads they built in the first half of games turned out to be much needed as they constantly flirted with giving every single point back in the second half. Newton loved the game and he was having a season for the ages, which he had every right to enjoy however he saw fit. Obviously he's still talented and presumably he still has that same passion, but last night he came off as a brat and a sore loser. He was all smiles as he danced and celebrated through 15 victories and steamrolled over two playoff teams, yet had absolutely nothing to say after he got steamrolled himself. I listened to an NFL Network analyst defend Newton's presser by saying he's young and he'll learn from it, and so on. It was his first trip to the big show, but he's old enough to know not to retreat like a spoiled child when he loses a game. If you're going to dance your way through the good times, you damn well better be prepared to take your lumps during the bad times. Did I expect him to get up there and say, "Yeah man, they kicked my ass"? Of course not. But consider this - two weeks ago, Tom Brady also got manhandled by the Denver defense and he walked up to the podium post-game and admitted they kept him off balance and outplayed New England. Brady is a cheater, liar and a dick, but he was able to get up there and do his job, even when the outcome of the game was not pleasant. You know you've handled shit poorly when you're making Tom Brady look decent.

Newton is getting hammered in the media today about how he chose to handle his SB defeat, and rightfully so. I've heard many excuses made as to why he should be cut some slack; he's young, it was his first huge loss, he could hear the Broncos discussing their victory in the same room where he was being quizzed about his defeat. I can understand not wanting to listen to an opposing player excitedly talking about being a champion, but I guarantee you Newton would've been all up in that room doing the same damn thing had the Panthers been victorious. And I'm almost positive that whatever Bronco was on the other side of the curtain, his press conference would've been a lot classier. Up until last night, Peyton Manning had lost more SB's than he'd won and lost badly two years ago. He made some egregious mistakes in that game, but still faced the media afterward and answered every question. Manning was benched for the first time in his life during the season and he also handled that with class. Yes, he has thirteen years on Newton, and a better understanding of what his job entails, but if you wanna play with the big boys, you best learn how to carry yourself in a professional manner. Maybe he will learn from last night, he'll most certainly have to rehab his image in the process, but in handling questions the way he did, he took the focus off of what a remarkable season Carolina had as a team and made it all about himself and how he sulked. Most of his teammates had a terrible game too, but many of them met with the media and answered the difficult questions. Even had Denver not been the team to beat Carolina in the SB, I'd still be rather relieved they didn't win it if only because Cam Newton proved he wasn't ready to be a Super Bowl champion. He has some growing up to do.

The one thing Newton did comment on in his presser was that Denver didn't do anything special during the course of the game. Evidently he wasn't watching the same game the rest of us were. Denver's defense was spectacular, holding the best offense in football to just ten points, denying Newton a single touchdown throw and sacking him six times, two of them for fumbles that led to points. The Broncos never trailed in Super Bowl 50 purely because Carolina's plan backfired. They won the opening coin toss but elected to give Denver the ball, perhaps in the mistaken belief that the Carolina D would force us to go three and out and then Newton and company would go down, score and take control of the game. Carolina had done this all season long, jumping out to huge leads on their opponents and slowly crushing their confidence. But from the moment they got the ball, they seemed out of sorts. Everybody who's followed Denver this year knows we don't score a whole lot, so the game plan had to be not to allow Carolina to jump out to any kind of a lead. And in that way, the Broncos gave the Panthers a taste of their own medicine - jumping out to a modest lead and then destroying anything that started to resemble a productive drive. The Denver defense won the SB, plain and simple. Maybe Newton was so pressed because his fumbles turned out to be the difference, but his receivers dropped or missed easy passes, his running back couldn't move the ball and his offensive line couldn't protect him for crap. All year, Carolina won as a team and, twice, they lost as a team; once in a game that didn't matter and once in a game that meant everything. It's too bad that Cam Newton's true colors may be uglier than we all thought they were.

Little You And I

The most loaded phrase in the world is, "Let's be friends". It either means you're being friend zoned, or that you and an ex are going to try and make a go of salvaging a friendship. The problem is that we're often not mature enough to go from a romantic relationship to a platonic friendship. I'm friends with most of my exes, and acquaintances with all but one (the ex-fiancee, whom I have zero desire to ever know again). But it wasn't an instant process. Rarely was I able to salvage anything out of the wreckage in the immediate aftermath of those relationships. It took time and other life experiences before I went back to apologize and before they were open to hearing me out. After all that went down back in December, G and I took a couple of weeks to cool off and figure out what we both wanted, before ultimately deciding it would be a shame to lose a decade-long friendship. The thing is, G and I have never tried our hand at platonic friendship before. And despite the fact that we're both pretty decent at this whole friendship thing, we can't seem to get a handle on how to be "just friends" with one another.
This is not the first time G and I have said we wanted to be just friends, but it is the first time we've actually tried to follow through with it. In the past, we've either fallen quickly into hooking up again, or we've backed off entirely when we found out the other was in a new relationship. Ironically, we've been able to be half in and half out during our hook ups, but it's been all or nothing during our friendship. Despite this, we've both been able to call on one another when we need to, whether we're on speaking terms or not. She's been there when ish has hit the fan on my end, and I've been there when life gets too loud for her. I wrote at the beginning of the year about how we finally got a chance to go through the remnants of our romantic relationship and determined that the spark was not as bright as it had once been. In that post, I said that we were kind of lingering in the in-between of not knowing what the future held, but being sure we were not going to end up together. And then we had our first friendship...uh...attempt on Sunday when the two of us, Y and our little ones had brunch together.
My heart always melted the second I laid eyes on G, even when we weren't dating. She's always felt bad about the fact that I adored her even when we were just hooking up, even though I knew it was nothing more than a rest stop, so to speak. I could never shut off my feelings for her. But at a certain point, I had to shut off some of them so I could be open to the possibility of finding someone new. And I think she suppressed her feelings because she felt guilty about always being ready to hook up, but not to give things another shot. She thinks I don't know her, but I know her and I've always attributed our demise to both of us not being ready for what we'd stumbled into, albeit in very different ways. But eight-ish years later, our lives have changed dramatically. G's son is a lot younger than Miss N and it trips me out to look at him because he is like her clone. They have the same eyes and it is so odd to see the eyes I adored for years in her little dude. There are those people you just know are going to be wonderful parents someday and I always felt that way about G. Becoming a mother has changed her in wonderful ways. She's more patient, more settled. We were both wanderers the first time around and now we've both discovered some sort of purpose in being parents. It's not the way we though we'd end up, and not how we probably wanted to end up, but it was how it was meant to be.
I like G as a friend, I always have. She's one of the best listeners I've ever known, she makes me laugh and she's always up for a debate about anything and everything. She's loved me when I was very unlovable and she's pushed me to be a better version of myself. I'd hate to lose that kind of friendship. She's the kind of person you need in your life, someone who will call you out on your crap and make damn sure you don't dwell on your disasters. Whatever the future holds for us, I hope that our friendship endures. It seems a shame to have fought such a battle of emotions for so long, only to end up never knowing one another again.

Boys To Men

Yesterday I had brunch with G, the BFF and our kids and we got into an interesting discussion about callings. G's best friend is fairly religious and began dating a guy shortly after her divorce who seemed to fit into the family quite well at first. A year into their time together, her church approached her about a baby boy who did not have a home and she felt she was called to adopt him. Unfortunately, the boyfriend wasn't as gung-ho about it and wanted to "wait and see" about putting his name on the papers as the father. They played house for awhile, but it soon became clear he wasn't really bonding with the kid the way she was and they've since broken up. At the end of this story, I mentioned having read an article recently written by a man who claims that males don't truly become "men" until they are married fathers. According to him, if you don't have both of those things, then you're not really a man and instead are just in some sort of extended adolescence phase. The only exceptions to this supposed rule are men who are called to service in other ways, like religious leaders. While we all disagreed that you have to be married with children to be a "man", it started an interesting conversation about how people view such things in our society.
I don't care for all of these supposed rules and laws people try and apply to being a man or a woman. Most are outdated; men should fix cars and bring home the bacon and be the decision makers, women should cook the bacon and raise children and keep quiet. We live in a very different time than when most of this stuff was the norm, certainly in a very different time than our relatives from the 50's could've ever dreamed of. And while women working and not wanting to have children and men not all being manly men with no emotions are not exactly brand new concepts, it sometimes surprises me just how foreign they are to some people. I'm thankful I didn't grow up in some macho, male-dominated household. Yes, it was...trying to grow up around so many girls at times, I played more dress up and Barbies than I'd care to admit, but it made me a better dude. I've often been told I have a respect for women that you don't come across everyday and that's a credit to my mother, grandmother and aunts. None of the boys in my family were ever taught that crying is a sign of weakness or that we should refrain from showing any other emotion for the sake of being "manly". As a result, I sometimes think we're all better equipped to live in the world as it is now, where every signal is mixed and everyone is told who and what they should be. There is no 'one size fits all' for any emotion or personality trait, and we're often told to dare to be different only to find that being too much of yourself is unacceptable. I don't envy any kid who has to come of age during these current times. And the last thing they need is to be told what they should want once they are of age.
Growing up, I think most of us assume we'll get married and have kids someday because that's just what grown ups are supposed to do. There was a time when I wanted a white picket fence and three kids, but I could not for the life of me tell you why I wanted that. It was what I was told I should want, I guess. But then I became an adult and the appeal of that super domestic family life and fatherhood just didn't do it for me. I believe there are various things that contribute to someone wanting to be a parent, and I pass zero judgement on people who never want to take on the task. Kids are great in small doses, being an uncle is fantastic because you can just give 'em back when they act up. But actually having your own child is a lifelong commitment where you risk going bankrupt both financially and emotionally. We all wanna believe our kid is the best ever and they're gonna go on to do great things, but we often forget kids come with autonomy and not all of them want to do great things. For every Harvard-educated doctor who made his parents proud, there is a slacker who never gets off his parent's couch. And in that way, parenthood is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get. I'd be the last one to sign up for something with such an unknown outcome, and that's precisely why I wasn't a big fan of having my own kids. I also thought I was too attached to my freedom to ever raise a child properly. And then I had one. I'm no less addicted to my freedom than I was before Miss N, but the fact that MOC and I are not together enables me to kinda have the best of both worlds. I'm a dad 100% of the time, but I appreciate the breaks I get when Miss N is with her mom and step-dad. I wouldn't trade being a father for anything, but I can honestly say it was not something I was called to do. My calling has been to creating and, more recently, to my faith, but never to being a parent. Had Miss N not come into my life, I would without a doubt never have chosen to have kids. The same is true of being married, I don't feel any particular calling for that either. And I don't think not feeling either of those makes me less than a man. I agree that some people choose not to have kids or get married out of fear, but others (myself included) have no fear of either and just know the pros and cons and don't want to pursue it. Getting married and having a family doesn't make anyone an adult, and not having those things doesn't mean you're living a Neverland existence where you're trying to stay a child forever.
G's ex is not at all involved in his son's life and she's just fine going it alone since he's not exactly the best role model. Y's baby daddy has always been very involved in their daughter's life, even when his family urged him to be a dick and walk away. And G's BFF is doing fine raising her children without the boyfriend, especially since her ex-husband is a wonderful dad to their children. I agree that some dudes will spend their entire life being boys, but it isn't a club that's exclusive to childless, unwed fellas. What exactly does make someone a man? In my opinion, responsibility. I'll be the first to admit that I spent the majority of my 20's in Neverland; going out all the time, spending an ungodly amount of time catering to my whims and wants and giving very few fucks about the repercussions. The defining moment that made me change my ways for good was losing someone close to me who was decades older but had never fully dealt with their demons. That is when I started to take responsibility and learn how to handle things in a healthy way, rather than burying my head in the sand and throwing whatever I had handy down my gullet. And after all of that is when Miss N came along. You become a man when you take responsibility for your own life and decisions and when you're self-sufficient. All of those things should come well before you take on the challenge of fatherhood and/or marriage. There is no blueprint for how our lives should turn out anymore, we don't live with our parents until we're 18, join the Service and then find a wife and settle into a 9 to 5. Life is far more complex than any 1950's television show depicted it to be and these outdated views of the way it should be are ridiculous. Just do you, ya'll.