Yesterday I had brunch with G, the BFF and our kids and we got into an interesting discussion about callings. G's best friend is fairly religious and began dating a guy shortly after her divorce who seemed to fit into the family quite well at first. A year into their time together, her church approached her about a baby boy who did not have a home and she felt she was called to adopt him. Unfortunately, the boyfriend wasn't as gung-ho about it and wanted to "wait and see" about putting his name on the papers as the father. They played house for awhile, but it soon became clear he wasn't really bonding with the kid the way she was and they've since broken up. At the end of this story, I mentioned having read an article recently written by a man who claims that males don't truly become "men" until they are married fathers. According to him, if you don't have both of those things, then you're not really a man and instead are just in some sort of extended adolescence phase. The only exceptions to this supposed rule are men who are called to service in other ways, like religious leaders. While we all disagreed that you have to be married with children to be a "man", it started an interesting conversation about how people view such things in our society.
I don't care for all of these supposed rules and laws people try and apply to being a man or a woman. Most are outdated; men should fix cars and bring home the bacon and be the decision makers, women should cook the bacon and raise children and keep quiet. We live in a very different time than when most of this stuff was the norm, certainly in a very different time than our relatives from the 50's could've ever dreamed of. And while women working and not wanting to have children and men not all being manly men with no emotions are not exactly brand new concepts, it sometimes surprises me just how foreign they are to some people. I'm thankful I didn't grow up in some macho, male-dominated household. Yes, it was...trying to grow up around so many girls at times, I played more dress up and Barbies than I'd care to admit, but it made me a better dude. I've often been told I have a respect for women that you don't come across everyday and that's a credit to my mother, grandmother and aunts. None of the boys in my family were ever taught that crying is a sign of weakness or that we should refrain from showing any other emotion for the sake of being "manly". As a result, I sometimes think we're all better equipped to live in the world as it is now, where every signal is mixed and everyone is told who and what they should be. There is no 'one size fits all' for any emotion or personality trait, and we're often told to dare to be different only to find that being too much of yourself is unacceptable. I don't envy any kid who has to come of age during these current times. And the last thing they need is to be told what they should want once they are of age.
Growing up, I think most of us assume we'll get married and have kids someday because that's just what grown ups are supposed to do. There was a time when I wanted a white picket fence and three kids, but I could not for the life of me tell you why I wanted that. It was what I was told I should want, I guess. But then I became an adult and the appeal of that super domestic family life and fatherhood just didn't do it for me. I believe there are various things that contribute to someone wanting to be a parent, and I pass zero judgement on people who never want to take on the task. Kids are great in small doses, being an uncle is fantastic because you can just give 'em back when they act up. But actually having your own child is a lifelong commitment where you risk going bankrupt both financially and emotionally. We all wanna believe our kid is the best ever and they're gonna go on to do great things, but we often forget kids come with autonomy and not all of them want to do great things. For every Harvard-educated doctor who made his parents proud, there is a slacker who never gets off his parent's couch. And in that way, parenthood is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get. I'd be the last one to sign up for something with such an unknown outcome, and that's precisely why I wasn't a big fan of having my own kids. I also thought I was too attached to my freedom to ever raise a child properly. And then I had one. I'm no less addicted to my freedom than I was before Miss N, but the fact that MOC and I are not together enables me to kinda have the best of both worlds. I'm a dad 100% of the time, but I appreciate the breaks I get when Miss N is with her mom and step-dad. I wouldn't trade being a father for anything, but I can honestly say it was not something I was called to do. My calling has been to creating and, more recently, to my faith, but never to being a parent. Had Miss N not come into my life, I would without a doubt never have chosen to have kids. The same is true of being married, I don't feel any particular calling for that either. And I don't think not feeling either of those makes me less than a man. I agree that some people choose not to have kids or get married out of fear, but others (myself included) have no fear of either and just know the pros and cons and don't want to pursue it. Getting married and having a family doesn't make anyone an adult, and not having those things doesn't mean you're living a Neverland existence where you're trying to stay a child forever.
G's ex is not at all involved in his son's life and she's just fine going it alone since he's not exactly the best role model. Y's baby daddy has always been very involved in their daughter's life, even when his family urged him to be a dick and walk away. And G's BFF is doing fine raising her children without the boyfriend, especially since her ex-husband is a wonderful dad to their children. I agree that some dudes will spend their entire life being boys, but it isn't a club that's exclusive to childless, unwed fellas. What exactly does make someone a man? In my opinion, responsibility. I'll be the first to admit that I spent the majority of my 20's in Neverland; going out all the time, spending an ungodly amount of time catering to my whims and wants and giving very few fucks about the repercussions. The defining moment that made me change my ways for good was losing someone close to me who was decades older but had never fully dealt with their demons. That is when I started to take responsibility and learn how to handle things in a healthy way, rather than burying my head in the sand and throwing whatever I had handy down my gullet. And after all of that is when Miss N came along. You become a man when you take responsibility for your own life and decisions and when you're self-sufficient. All of those things should come well before you take on the challenge of fatherhood and/or marriage. There is no blueprint for how our lives should turn out anymore, we don't live with our parents until we're 18, join the Service and then find a wife and settle into a 9 to 5. Life is far more complex than any 1950's television show depicted it to be and these outdated views of the way it should be are ridiculous. Just do you, ya'll.
