My best friend. I love her. Completely unconditionally and I know she feels the same way. She's proven it on more than one occasion during the past 26 years. I don't love her for any one reason. It's not because I have to or because I'm obligated to. It's simply because of who she is. We're compatible and we have been since the day we were born. If you're one to believe there's someone out there for everybody (though you don't always marry your someone), then consider the fact that my potential someone was born in the exact same room I was born in, three months after me, and we ended up side by side in the NICU because I was an unexpected problem child and she was premature. For your someone to be right next to you from that early on...that's rare. That's something special. You go through everything together. If you look at the photo albums in both of our parent's homes from our childhood, every birthday, every school function, every summer picnic, we're in the same shot. I'm a twin and I am very close to my sister, but you woulda thought my best friend was my twin considering how much time we spent together. Thankfully, we look nothing alike or we would've been mistaken for siblings.
There's a picture from Christmas in 1984 when we were at my great grandparents house. Every year my family has these huge holiday parties and it's a great time no matter how old you are. In this picture, there's actually like four of them that my Grandma took, we're dancing together in our little Christmas outfits. I mean, getting down! It's one of my favorites partly because my Grandma took it and partly because it just reminds me of the holidays every year. It reminds me why I've never spent them anywhere but home. Another picture has the two of us on field day at our elementary school. We're sitting on the side of the relay track or something, in the dirt with me holding a sign for the next relay group. She's sitting right next to me on the side of that track and, somehow, my mom managed to get nothing and no one else into the shot but the two of us. It's one of those Kodak moments that you hear about. My mom's had that picture up in the house since the day she got it developed and I never really got why it meant so much to her. I mean, it's not our best photo..it was field day, we look like we'd just run a mile (and probably had). But I get now why she keeps it up and what it means to her. I think she feels less stressed about me because of it. She has three kids and by the end of the year I'll be the only one who isn't in a stable relationship or marriage. That's cause to worry but she knows I'll never truly be alone in life because of this person I've been blessed with from the beginning of my life.
I used to think that I'd never really been alone but I know I have, during my accident and recovery. No one else, not even her, could go through that with me or for me. But it is a testament to how strong our connection really is when you consider that she felt physically ill the hour I got into the accident and she was miles away and had no clue what had happened at that point. And she was there for the aftermath, the good and bad points of my recovery. She never tried to say that she knew how hard it was because she knew she didn't. I've had very few experiences where we've argued and we've never had a time when we weren't speaking. I know how lucky we are to have this. There's no one closer to me than her. And that's why it drives me crazy when her major flaw rears its ugly head. She freaks herself out in new situations and then she pulls away or she just stops communicating. She does things that come back to bite her in the ass. And I know her well enough to know that she is fully aware of what she's doing, but she does it anyway. There's nothing I want more than herr happiness and for her to be settled. What gets me is that she knows exactly what she needs to do to be balanced, she's the most balanced person I know by nature, but she refuses to do it either out of pure stubborness or for some other stupid reason. She sabotages her romantic relationships and she's on the verge of doing it again with someone she really does love. And it's something that I can't fix, for the first time in 26 years. And that sucks beyond belief.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Quirks
Nobody's perfect. That's the first thing you learn when you're in a relationship and the first thing you have to really accept for it to keep going. Sure, you start out and every little thing this person does is magic and everything they do just turns you on, but eventually you see the different sides and quirks of their personality. Some things are easier to live with than others. But if the relationship works out, these are things you may have to live with for the rest of your life. Then comes compromise. More than once I've compromised what I said I couldn't live with in a partner because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course it never is. You either can deal with it or you can't.
I'm always five minutes early when I have to be somewhere, I get that from my mom. When we were little, she always stressed how important it was to be timely and it's something we've all carried on with us throughout our lives. Years ago, I was dating somebody who could not be on time to a lifeboat if she were on the Titanic as it was sinking. It didn't matter if it was work or play, she apparently could not force herself to be on time. I'm not talking about being annoyed because your girlfriend has to try on one more outfit or fix her hair because of a bad hair day kinda late. She wouldn't even start to get ready until ten minutes or so before we had to leave and then, of course, as I was saying we needed to go she would be just finishing one part of her routine and we'd be very late sometimes. So I started lying to her. Not maliciously or anything. I just told her that from now on I'd tack on twenty minutes til the time we actually had to leave and see if that helped us any. It did, we were never late again from that time on.
When we started dating she was a smoker, and a bad one. But she knew I had asthma (at the time) and that I couldn't live with a smoker because it seriously aggravated my breathing issues. So, she did this whole hypnosis thing and she quit. It was easier than either of us thought it would be but whatever that dude did, it knocked the urge to smoke right outta her. It was great. But then it became a point of contention in the last months that we spent together. She would go out to lunch or whatever with her friends and every now and again come back smelling like smoke. That alone would make my asthma act up and then there'd be a minor arguement about the whole deal. I'd never try to control another human being, it's not possible. All I wanted was to not have to be around smoke or the smell or anything else having to do with it for my health. Did I want her to quit for her own health? Of course. Cancer already runs in her family, the last thing you want to do is tempt fate. It will bite you in the ass one day if you taunt it enough (I should know). She's still a smoker and still late everywhere she goes.
And of course I did things that she had to live with. But I couldn't tell you exactly what they were since she never really spoke up about them. Everything stayed bottled up and when it finally came to the surface, if it ever did, it resulted in a fight. I know we both made some mistakes but it's odd to look back and realize how much you've both changed, or reverted back to your old ways, since you broke up. Sometimes you think you'd be more compatible now, as opposed to back then, but when you really think about it, you realize your wants won't change. If anything were to happen now, it wouldn't work. I'm never gonna want to get married and live the life she always thought she would with me. She's never gonna wanna not get married. Maybe she needs that in her life. More power to her. We're friends and we don't talk as much as we used to but I still wish nothing but the best for her. She deserves it. And if she ever does get that chance to be a wife and/or mother, she's gonna be a good one.
I'm always five minutes early when I have to be somewhere, I get that from my mom. When we were little, she always stressed how important it was to be timely and it's something we've all carried on with us throughout our lives. Years ago, I was dating somebody who could not be on time to a lifeboat if she were on the Titanic as it was sinking. It didn't matter if it was work or play, she apparently could not force herself to be on time. I'm not talking about being annoyed because your girlfriend has to try on one more outfit or fix her hair because of a bad hair day kinda late. She wouldn't even start to get ready until ten minutes or so before we had to leave and then, of course, as I was saying we needed to go she would be just finishing one part of her routine and we'd be very late sometimes. So I started lying to her. Not maliciously or anything. I just told her that from now on I'd tack on twenty minutes til the time we actually had to leave and see if that helped us any. It did, we were never late again from that time on.
When we started dating she was a smoker, and a bad one. But she knew I had asthma (at the time) and that I couldn't live with a smoker because it seriously aggravated my breathing issues. So, she did this whole hypnosis thing and she quit. It was easier than either of us thought it would be but whatever that dude did, it knocked the urge to smoke right outta her. It was great. But then it became a point of contention in the last months that we spent together. She would go out to lunch or whatever with her friends and every now and again come back smelling like smoke. That alone would make my asthma act up and then there'd be a minor arguement about the whole deal. I'd never try to control another human being, it's not possible. All I wanted was to not have to be around smoke or the smell or anything else having to do with it for my health. Did I want her to quit for her own health? Of course. Cancer already runs in her family, the last thing you want to do is tempt fate. It will bite you in the ass one day if you taunt it enough (I should know). She's still a smoker and still late everywhere she goes.
And of course I did things that she had to live with. But I couldn't tell you exactly what they were since she never really spoke up about them. Everything stayed bottled up and when it finally came to the surface, if it ever did, it resulted in a fight. I know we both made some mistakes but it's odd to look back and realize how much you've both changed, or reverted back to your old ways, since you broke up. Sometimes you think you'd be more compatible now, as opposed to back then, but when you really think about it, you realize your wants won't change. If anything were to happen now, it wouldn't work. I'm never gonna want to get married and live the life she always thought she would with me. She's never gonna wanna not get married. Maybe she needs that in her life. More power to her. We're friends and we don't talk as much as we used to but I still wish nothing but the best for her. She deserves it. And if she ever does get that chance to be a wife and/or mother, she's gonna be a good one.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The Obvious
In contrast to the unexpected (which I deleted, btw), there is the obvious. I have two friends who have very obviously been in love with one another since they met in high school. They did not begin "dating" (if you can call it that) until about two months ago. The hold up? Her younger sister was dating his older brother. They became engaged when she was 22 and he was 24 and it seemed like a very good match. But the closer they seemed to get to getting married, he started to back out and then he finally just said he never actually intended to get married. He'd just proposed to sort of show his commitment to staying with her forever. She wanted to be married. She ended it and was completely devastated, obviously, having spent nearly nine years of her life on someone. Her best friend, whom she met in high school, was right there to help her deal with everything. They spent a ton of time together and once she was on the mend they went on with their, separate, dating lives. He got seriously involved with someone last year but it didn't work out and guess where he went to be consoled. They started to fall for each other but neither one would actually admit it. Everyone knew they belonged together, they're different but they balance one another out very well. They're still together and extremely happy. But all of this cleared the path for her sister to finally pay attention to her feelings for her one-time would-be brother-in-law. They started seeing each other and it was just instantly perfect for them. They're expecting their first child now, and even though it's still very early in the relationship and it seems like a lot very soon, they're handling it brilliantly. It's not at all a big deal for them, it's like this would all be happening now whether they'd been together years or just the month.
Both of these pairings were obvious to everyone they knew and yet it took them a long time to either realize it or come to terms with it. Maybe they all kinda knew where they were going but they weren't in any hurry to get there. I don't know. But lately I can't help but feel like I'm not supposed to be in a romantic relationship with the mother of my child. We've been on a few, I guess you'd say dates, but I haven't felt what I think I should in order to go back into a full-on relationship. She says she wants to give it a try and not just for the baby. I don't know what to do. I know where I would like to be but that's just not possible right now.
Both of these pairings were obvious to everyone they knew and yet it took them a long time to either realize it or come to terms with it. Maybe they all kinda knew where they were going but they weren't in any hurry to get there. I don't know. But lately I can't help but feel like I'm not supposed to be in a romantic relationship with the mother of my child. We've been on a few, I guess you'd say dates, but I haven't felt what I think I should in order to go back into a full-on relationship. She says she wants to give it a try and not just for the baby. I don't know what to do. I know where I would like to be but that's just not possible right now.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Crazy
Have you ever met somebody you just could not be without for a single second or it felt like you were gonna die? Not like the beginning of a relationship, just like this feeling that all life would end if you weren't with this person. Not for the conversation, not for the dates, just for what burned between you when you were together.
Last year, a friend of mine broke off her engagement to her longtime boyfriend and our paths happened to cross in N.Y. We had dinner and then immediately after we ended up at my place and spent the night together. For the next two weeks, it was one hell of a wild ride. She would show up at my work at random times during the day or throw herself at me the minute I walked into my apartment. We would be out in the city at three in the morning just goofing around and exploring and being together. We did some of the craziest things I've ever done in my life. She drove me completely wild everytime she looked at me with those beautiful eyes. It was wonderful. We didn't know or care what we were doing and we didn't even make an effort to label it. It was just fun. Three weeks later, it was all over. Things just fizzled, I guess. It went from being unable to function without one another in the same room to her being a thousand miles away and me being back to work in the city. There was no goodbye, no break-up...we just woke up one morning and she said she was gonna be late for her flight and gave me a quick kiss and told me to call her when I got a chance. We haven't spoken since. We got it all out of our systems and then it was done and the world has continued to turn. I wouldn't trade those three weeks for anything. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Even though we haven't spoken, I have seen her since it ended and I felt absolutely nothing when I saw her. It's amazing to remember how much burned between us back then and now...nothing.
Last year, a friend of mine broke off her engagement to her longtime boyfriend and our paths happened to cross in N.Y. We had dinner and then immediately after we ended up at my place and spent the night together. For the next two weeks, it was one hell of a wild ride. She would show up at my work at random times during the day or throw herself at me the minute I walked into my apartment. We would be out in the city at three in the morning just goofing around and exploring and being together. We did some of the craziest things I've ever done in my life. She drove me completely wild everytime she looked at me with those beautiful eyes. It was wonderful. We didn't know or care what we were doing and we didn't even make an effort to label it. It was just fun. Three weeks later, it was all over. Things just fizzled, I guess. It went from being unable to function without one another in the same room to her being a thousand miles away and me being back to work in the city. There was no goodbye, no break-up...we just woke up one morning and she said she was gonna be late for her flight and gave me a quick kiss and told me to call her when I got a chance. We haven't spoken since. We got it all out of our systems and then it was done and the world has continued to turn. I wouldn't trade those three weeks for anything. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Even though we haven't spoken, I have seen her since it ended and I felt absolutely nothing when I saw her. It's amazing to remember how much burned between us back then and now...nothing.
Friday, October 19, 2007
The Click
I've never felt completely content with myself or my life in my entire time on this planet. I don't know if it's just not my time or if it's not meant to be at all but once my relationships became serious, or somewhat serious, I was happy for a few months and then I felt nothing. All except for my first few serious relationships and my engagement. I was truly happy in those but I don't think I can say I was content. It didn't feel like all was right with the world very much, if at all, during those relationships. Was I in love? Well...I know for sure I was in one of them. But love and contentment are two different things. I've always dated older women, don't ask me why. I guess it's this damned old soul business. I've felt like I've had to dumb it down to be with the younger women who are attracted to me, and most of that attraction falls on looks and nothing else. I don't want to be with someone who only sees the outside and only cares about that.
A few years ago I was working in Canada on a friend's movie and I met this girl who was about a year and a half younger than me but very mature for her age. It took her forever to agree to go out with me because she was unsure, given my reputation at the time, if it was going to be an actual relationship possibility or just a one night thing. She was raised very religiously, she's the closest thing to the very religious that I've ever dated. Things went well for a few weeks. We hung out a lot and we were both enjoying getting to know each other. And then, almost two months in, we slept together. This was at the height of my "issues" stage and I didn't understand why I was doing the things I was doing since they didn't make me happy. Anyway, we slept together a few times, I'd met the parents, (who, btw, HATED me because they thought I was corrupting their daughter), and then I hit that inevitable wall that kept showing up in my relationships. I was just done, all of a sudden. No reason, nothing I could explain. Just done. But instead of saying, "Hey, maybe we should take some time," I decided to just not answer her calls. Not something I'm at all proud of, obviously. Then, she came around and I told her I didn't see us working and she, of course, took this to mean that I'd just wanted to get her into bed and that I had planned to break it off all along. That wasn't it. But there was no convincing her otherwise. Still, for some reason, she could not let me or us go. I started seeing other women and continued to deny what I was becoming and she kept calling me. One night she called and I was stupid enough to tell her to come over and we slept together and I felt horrible afterward because I knew she was better than that. Better than waiting for someone like me to call on her to be there because I didn't wanna sleep alone. Better than waiting on me for anything at all. I told her that and she stormed out and we've spoken very rarely since. I never went into my relationships with the intent to hurt anybody but it kept ending up that way. From what I hear, she's still holding out some hope that I realize she was the one for me. But so much works against it and I could never go back anyway. I don't like the way I treated her and I don't like who I was at the time we dated and being with her would only remind me of who I used to be. I always tried to force connections or issues in my relationships and that just wasn't the case. You either feel something or you don't.
And now things have become so much more complicated with the baby. I can honestly say I love the mother of my child but I'm not in love with her. I'm not sure I ever really was truly in love with her the first time we dated. We're amazing friends and we have a connection, which is what got us into our current situation. But now we're in this weird place of, 'What now?'. Do we try a relationship again just because she's pregnant? Isn't that a version of 'staying together for the kids'? (Or, in this case, getting together for the kid). I'm gonna be here for her regardless of what we decide to do about us.
Further complicating things is the fact that someone I really care about just came back into my life and it was very weird and very difficult to tell her that I'm expecting a baby with someone else. We've known each other for about a year and we dated about six months before we hit a wall (she has issues of her own). But our time together was amazing, I felt such a calm come over me when I met her. It was just some sort of click when we met. We have entirely too much in common and can talk about anything for hours and not get bored, yet she's not too much like me, you know? It's not like I'm dating myself. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere until I met my first girlfriend and I haven't felt that way since. Until last year with her. But I know this is not the time to give it another shot with her. And that sucks. But I made my own bed on this one.
A few years ago I was working in Canada on a friend's movie and I met this girl who was about a year and a half younger than me but very mature for her age. It took her forever to agree to go out with me because she was unsure, given my reputation at the time, if it was going to be an actual relationship possibility or just a one night thing. She was raised very religiously, she's the closest thing to the very religious that I've ever dated. Things went well for a few weeks. We hung out a lot and we were both enjoying getting to know each other. And then, almost two months in, we slept together. This was at the height of my "issues" stage and I didn't understand why I was doing the things I was doing since they didn't make me happy. Anyway, we slept together a few times, I'd met the parents, (who, btw, HATED me because they thought I was corrupting their daughter), and then I hit that inevitable wall that kept showing up in my relationships. I was just done, all of a sudden. No reason, nothing I could explain. Just done. But instead of saying, "Hey, maybe we should take some time," I decided to just not answer her calls. Not something I'm at all proud of, obviously. Then, she came around and I told her I didn't see us working and she, of course, took this to mean that I'd just wanted to get her into bed and that I had planned to break it off all along. That wasn't it. But there was no convincing her otherwise. Still, for some reason, she could not let me or us go. I started seeing other women and continued to deny what I was becoming and she kept calling me. One night she called and I was stupid enough to tell her to come over and we slept together and I felt horrible afterward because I knew she was better than that. Better than waiting for someone like me to call on her to be there because I didn't wanna sleep alone. Better than waiting on me for anything at all. I told her that and she stormed out and we've spoken very rarely since. I never went into my relationships with the intent to hurt anybody but it kept ending up that way. From what I hear, she's still holding out some hope that I realize she was the one for me. But so much works against it and I could never go back anyway. I don't like the way I treated her and I don't like who I was at the time we dated and being with her would only remind me of who I used to be. I always tried to force connections or issues in my relationships and that just wasn't the case. You either feel something or you don't.
And now things have become so much more complicated with the baby. I can honestly say I love the mother of my child but I'm not in love with her. I'm not sure I ever really was truly in love with her the first time we dated. We're amazing friends and we have a connection, which is what got us into our current situation. But now we're in this weird place of, 'What now?'. Do we try a relationship again just because she's pregnant? Isn't that a version of 'staying together for the kids'? (Or, in this case, getting together for the kid). I'm gonna be here for her regardless of what we decide to do about us.
Further complicating things is the fact that someone I really care about just came back into my life and it was very weird and very difficult to tell her that I'm expecting a baby with someone else. We've known each other for about a year and we dated about six months before we hit a wall (she has issues of her own). But our time together was amazing, I felt such a calm come over me when I met her. It was just some sort of click when we met. We have entirely too much in common and can talk about anything for hours and not get bored, yet she's not too much like me, you know? It's not like I'm dating myself. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere until I met my first girlfriend and I haven't felt that way since. Until last year with her. But I know this is not the time to give it another shot with her. And that sucks. But I made my own bed on this one.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Father Figure
Lately I've been thinking about what kind of father I want to be. I've had great father figures in my life and have never really missed my own father, who left before we were born. My parents were never married. My father is a musician, which explains his seven children by different women. Other than that, and little things you learn along the way, that's all I really know about him. That's all I care to know about him. I don't hold a grudge against anyone. He left and went on with his life and we went on with ours and that's how it was meant to be. I used to be..I guess you'd say affected by it, but not anymore.
I remember not even really noticing I didn't have my father in my life until I was around 7 years old. We were playing outside with some cousins from the other side of the family and one of them, (who constantly insisted on ruining the younger kids lives), started this whole big thing about how no one in our side of the family had both parents around. My mom heard it and a few days later took the three of us to a park and explained who our father was (he happened to be in a newspaper with his band at the time) and that he wasn't around but that it had nothing to do with who we were. Also in this conversation, she told us my younger brother was only our half-brother and that we all had the same father but his mother had passed away during childbirth. Thankfully, his mother had befriended mine (they kinda had a lot in common, eh?) and when she passed away, my mom adopted my brother. We all took it pretty well, all things considered.
A few weeks later we all got to meet our father for the first time. I remember he had this old car and we all piled into the back and us kids were pretty much silent most of the ride. Come to think of it, everybody was pretty silent. We talked to him very little that day but he left his phone number so that we could call him. Mom made it very clear that if we did call him, it had to be from our bedroom and we couldn't tell my grandma because she hated this man with a passion. The phone calls lasted maybe a few months and then nothing. That was the last we ever heard from him. As for child support, I don't know why he never had to pay it. God knows we coulda used it after my grandma died. I remember having to take a blood test when we were 12 to prove paternity but apparently that went nowhere.
I really, REALLY don't want to become my own father. For all I know, he could be a wonderful guy and some wires just got crossed and that's why he was never around. I don't know the whole story and I don't honestly feel the need to know it. Ideally, I wouldn't be in a situation where I'm having a child with someone I'm not in a committed relationship with (like my own father) but this is how it is. I wanna be there for everything important in my child's life. I want her or him to know that I could not be happier about having them in my life. I wanna be good at this and part of me worries that I won't be. But I'm gonna try.
I remember not even really noticing I didn't have my father in my life until I was around 7 years old. We were playing outside with some cousins from the other side of the family and one of them, (who constantly insisted on ruining the younger kids lives), started this whole big thing about how no one in our side of the family had both parents around. My mom heard it and a few days later took the three of us to a park and explained who our father was (he happened to be in a newspaper with his band at the time) and that he wasn't around but that it had nothing to do with who we were. Also in this conversation, she told us my younger brother was only our half-brother and that we all had the same father but his mother had passed away during childbirth. Thankfully, his mother had befriended mine (they kinda had a lot in common, eh?) and when she passed away, my mom adopted my brother. We all took it pretty well, all things considered.
A few weeks later we all got to meet our father for the first time. I remember he had this old car and we all piled into the back and us kids were pretty much silent most of the ride. Come to think of it, everybody was pretty silent. We talked to him very little that day but he left his phone number so that we could call him. Mom made it very clear that if we did call him, it had to be from our bedroom and we couldn't tell my grandma because she hated this man with a passion. The phone calls lasted maybe a few months and then nothing. That was the last we ever heard from him. As for child support, I don't know why he never had to pay it. God knows we coulda used it after my grandma died. I remember having to take a blood test when we were 12 to prove paternity but apparently that went nowhere.
I really, REALLY don't want to become my own father. For all I know, he could be a wonderful guy and some wires just got crossed and that's why he was never around. I don't know the whole story and I don't honestly feel the need to know it. Ideally, I wouldn't be in a situation where I'm having a child with someone I'm not in a committed relationship with (like my own father) but this is how it is. I wanna be there for everything important in my child's life. I want her or him to know that I could not be happier about having them in my life. I wanna be good at this and part of me worries that I won't be. But I'm gonna try.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Never Married
I was hanging out yesterday with one of my best friends (who has had some marriage issues lately) and we got into a long conversation. First off, this is the person who I've known since she was born 26 years ago. We've been through everything together (No, we've never dated) and back in 2005 she met my then-fiance's brother and they hit it off. Very well, apparently, because through all the madness and insanity going on that year, no one even knew they were dating. Seven months in, they started living together and became engaged a few months after that. Before they'd been together a year, they got married in Mexico. She didn't have a maid of honor, she had me as her "best man", and I thought I was cool with it. Maybe part of me thought it wouldn't actually go through, she's been serious with guys before and it always imploded. So when the day finally came, I attempted to lock her in a bathroom so she wouldn't leave me. lol. It didn't work, they got married anyway.
Our talk focused a lot on marriage and what it means and all that stuff. She's always, for as long as I can remember her knowing how to speak, wanted to be married with kids. She wanted the whole fairytale wedding and such, and she got it, it was very beautiful wedding. When I was younger, I thought I'd get married and have three kids and this would all take place around age 22 and that'd be it. Then, I turned 20 and was in a very stable relationship that was, by all accounts, heading towards marriage. Though, now I only wanted two kids. Then came the accident that turned everything upside down and, when I finally thought about what I really did want for my life, I started to question why I wanted to be married in the first place.
I was sooo out of it last year, I just did a lot of nothing for awhile. And then, late last year, I got a new job and I moved to N.Y. for good, instead of bouncing between N.Y. and home. It was amazing for me because it was this whole new way of seeing things. I've been on and off with a few people this year, mostly ex's, and it's all been because I didn't wanna be alone. If you're alone, then you start to think and the more I thought, the less happy I was with myself. So I just went around and did what I could to avoid getting into deep thought. Then, I came to realize that I'm not afraid to be alone anymore and it doesn't bother me all that much to have to think of where I've been. Maybe it's my faith or maybe it's just that I know I can find other ways to busy myself so I don't have to think so much and therefore being alone doesn't have a negative connotation to it. Finally figuring that out made me much happier as a person and I finally turned away from the parade of ex's and stopped the self-destructiveness. And, in all honesty, I started hanging out with the future mother of my child again because I was afraid to meet someone new for fear that my old ways would continue and it'd be an "until I feel we're done" situation and I'd hurt her.
Yesterday I woke up with this feeling, like the skies are going to clear. They haven't been clear for years now and I've been waiting for a change and it's finally happening. It's more than I expected with the baby and all but I feel like I can actually do it and be good at it. It's just finally settled into my brain that I don't want to wait on things anymore. Everyone's concerned with finding "the one" and then having the family and the so-called happy life. I used to be too. But now I know some things for sure. I know that I don't want to get married anymore. I don't need the rings, I don't need the contract and I don't need the seven years or whatever that it adds on to your life. I will be committed to someone for the rest of my life (besides my kid) but I won't walk down an aisle. And I won't change my mind because she wants to be married. I know that I am a quarter of the way through my life on this earth. I'm alright with that. The first 25 years were good and bad and everything you could expect, but I got through them and I do feel stronger. I know that in 2011, I will be 30 years old and I'm not dreading it. Your perception of what's considered "old" changes with every few years but I've never thought of your 30's as being old. I know I've done a lot of growing up in the last few years and I'm probably already mentally into my 30's. I'm ready now to be a father and I understand that I might have to pull my foot off the pedal on my career some to be a great father but I'm willing to do it.
But it's nice to know so many things for sure now, instead of the constant indecision I seemed to live with before all this. I hope the clarity lasts.
Our talk focused a lot on marriage and what it means and all that stuff. She's always, for as long as I can remember her knowing how to speak, wanted to be married with kids. She wanted the whole fairytale wedding and such, and she got it, it was very beautiful wedding. When I was younger, I thought I'd get married and have three kids and this would all take place around age 22 and that'd be it. Then, I turned 20 and was in a very stable relationship that was, by all accounts, heading towards marriage. Though, now I only wanted two kids. Then came the accident that turned everything upside down and, when I finally thought about what I really did want for my life, I started to question why I wanted to be married in the first place.
I was sooo out of it last year, I just did a lot of nothing for awhile. And then, late last year, I got a new job and I moved to N.Y. for good, instead of bouncing between N.Y. and home. It was amazing for me because it was this whole new way of seeing things. I've been on and off with a few people this year, mostly ex's, and it's all been because I didn't wanna be alone. If you're alone, then you start to think and the more I thought, the less happy I was with myself. So I just went around and did what I could to avoid getting into deep thought. Then, I came to realize that I'm not afraid to be alone anymore and it doesn't bother me all that much to have to think of where I've been. Maybe it's my faith or maybe it's just that I know I can find other ways to busy myself so I don't have to think so much and therefore being alone doesn't have a negative connotation to it. Finally figuring that out made me much happier as a person and I finally turned away from the parade of ex's and stopped the self-destructiveness. And, in all honesty, I started hanging out with the future mother of my child again because I was afraid to meet someone new for fear that my old ways would continue and it'd be an "until I feel we're done" situation and I'd hurt her.
Yesterday I woke up with this feeling, like the skies are going to clear. They haven't been clear for years now and I've been waiting for a change and it's finally happening. It's more than I expected with the baby and all but I feel like I can actually do it and be good at it. It's just finally settled into my brain that I don't want to wait on things anymore. Everyone's concerned with finding "the one" and then having the family and the so-called happy life. I used to be too. But now I know some things for sure. I know that I don't want to get married anymore. I don't need the rings, I don't need the contract and I don't need the seven years or whatever that it adds on to your life. I will be committed to someone for the rest of my life (besides my kid) but I won't walk down an aisle. And I won't change my mind because she wants to be married. I know that I am a quarter of the way through my life on this earth. I'm alright with that. The first 25 years were good and bad and everything you could expect, but I got through them and I do feel stronger. I know that in 2011, I will be 30 years old and I'm not dreading it. Your perception of what's considered "old" changes with every few years but I've never thought of your 30's as being old. I know I've done a lot of growing up in the last few years and I'm probably already mentally into my 30's. I'm ready now to be a father and I understand that I might have to pull my foot off the pedal on my career some to be a great father but I'm willing to do it.
But it's nice to know so many things for sure now, instead of the constant indecision I seemed to live with before all this. I hope the clarity lasts.
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