I've never felt completely content with myself or my life in my entire time on this planet. I don't know if it's just not my time or if it's not meant to be at all but once my relationships became serious, or somewhat serious, I was happy for a few months and then I felt nothing. All except for my first few serious relationships and my engagement. I was truly happy in those but I don't think I can say I was content. It didn't feel like all was right with the world very much, if at all, during those relationships. Was I in love? Well...I know for sure I was in one of them. But love and contentment are two different things. I've always dated older women, don't ask me why. I guess it's this damned old soul business. I've felt like I've had to dumb it down to be with the younger women who are attracted to me, and most of that attraction falls on looks and nothing else. I don't want to be with someone who only sees the outside and only cares about that.
A few years ago I was working in Canada on a friend's movie and I met this girl who was about a year and a half younger than me but very mature for her age. It took her forever to agree to go out with me because she was unsure, given my reputation at the time, if it was going to be an actual relationship possibility or just a one night thing. She was raised very religiously, she's the closest thing to the very religious that I've ever dated. Things went well for a few weeks. We hung out a lot and we were both enjoying getting to know each other. And then, almost two months in, we slept together. This was at the height of my "issues" stage and I didn't understand why I was doing the things I was doing since they didn't make me happy. Anyway, we slept together a few times, I'd met the parents, (who, btw, HATED me because they thought I was corrupting their daughter), and then I hit that inevitable wall that kept showing up in my relationships. I was just done, all of a sudden. No reason, nothing I could explain. Just done. But instead of saying, "Hey, maybe we should take some time," I decided to just not answer her calls. Not something I'm at all proud of, obviously. Then, she came around and I told her I didn't see us working and she, of course, took this to mean that I'd just wanted to get her into bed and that I had planned to break it off all along. That wasn't it. But there was no convincing her otherwise. Still, for some reason, she could not let me or us go. I started seeing other women and continued to deny what I was becoming and she kept calling me. One night she called and I was stupid enough to tell her to come over and we slept together and I felt horrible afterward because I knew she was better than that. Better than waiting for someone like me to call on her to be there because I didn't wanna sleep alone. Better than waiting on me for anything at all. I told her that and she stormed out and we've spoken very rarely since. I never went into my relationships with the intent to hurt anybody but it kept ending up that way. From what I hear, she's still holding out some hope that I realize she was the one for me. But so much works against it and I could never go back anyway. I don't like the way I treated her and I don't like who I was at the time we dated and being with her would only remind me of who I used to be. I always tried to force connections or issues in my relationships and that just wasn't the case. You either feel something or you don't.
And now things have become so much more complicated with the baby. I can honestly say I love the mother of my child but I'm not in love with her. I'm not sure I ever really was truly in love with her the first time we dated. We're amazing friends and we have a connection, which is what got us into our current situation. But now we're in this weird place of, 'What now?'. Do we try a relationship again just because she's pregnant? Isn't that a version of 'staying together for the kids'? (Or, in this case, getting together for the kid). I'm gonna be here for her regardless of what we decide to do about us.
Further complicating things is the fact that someone I really care about just came back into my life and it was very weird and very difficult to tell her that I'm expecting a baby with someone else. We've known each other for about a year and we dated about six months before we hit a wall (she has issues of her own). But our time together was amazing, I felt such a calm come over me when I met her. It was just some sort of click when we met. We have entirely too much in common and can talk about anything for hours and not get bored, yet she's not too much like me, you know? It's not like I'm dating myself. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere until I met my first girlfriend and I haven't felt that way since. Until last year with her. But I know this is not the time to give it another shot with her. And that sucks. But I made my own bed on this one.
