I was hanging out yesterday with one of my best friends (who has had some marriage issues lately) and we got into a long conversation. First off, this is the person who I've known since she was born 26 years ago. We've been through everything together (No, we've never dated) and back in 2005 she met my then-fiance's brother and they hit it off. Very well, apparently, because through all the madness and insanity going on that year, no one even knew they were dating. Seven months in, they started living together and became engaged a few months after that. Before they'd been together a year, they got married in Mexico. She didn't have a maid of honor, she had me as her "best man", and I thought I was cool with it. Maybe part of me thought it wouldn't actually go through, she's been serious with guys before and it always imploded. So when the day finally came, I attempted to lock her in a bathroom so she wouldn't leave me. lol. It didn't work, they got married anyway.
Our talk focused a lot on marriage and what it means and all that stuff. She's always, for as long as I can remember her knowing how to speak, wanted to be married with kids. She wanted the whole fairytale wedding and such, and she got it, it was very beautiful wedding. When I was younger, I thought I'd get married and have three kids and this would all take place around age 22 and that'd be it. Then, I turned 20 and was in a very stable relationship that was, by all accounts, heading towards marriage. Though, now I only wanted two kids. Then came the accident that turned everything upside down and, when I finally thought about what I really did want for my life, I started to question why I wanted to be married in the first place.
I was sooo out of it last year, I just did a lot of nothing for awhile. And then, late last year, I got a new job and I moved to N.Y. for good, instead of bouncing between N.Y. and home. It was amazing for me because it was this whole new way of seeing things. I've been on and off with a few people this year, mostly ex's, and it's all been because I didn't wanna be alone. If you're alone, then you start to think and the more I thought, the less happy I was with myself. So I just went around and did what I could to avoid getting into deep thought. Then, I came to realize that I'm not afraid to be alone anymore and it doesn't bother me all that much to have to think of where I've been. Maybe it's my faith or maybe it's just that I know I can find other ways to busy myself so I don't have to think so much and therefore being alone doesn't have a negative connotation to it. Finally figuring that out made me much happier as a person and I finally turned away from the parade of ex's and stopped the self-destructiveness. And, in all honesty, I started hanging out with the future mother of my child again because I was afraid to meet someone new for fear that my old ways would continue and it'd be an "until I feel we're done" situation and I'd hurt her.
Yesterday I woke up with this feeling, like the skies are going to clear. They haven't been clear for years now and I've been waiting for a change and it's finally happening. It's more than I expected with the baby and all but I feel like I can actually do it and be good at it. It's just finally settled into my brain that I don't want to wait on things anymore. Everyone's concerned with finding "the one" and then having the family and the so-called happy life. I used to be too. But now I know some things for sure. I know that I don't want to get married anymore. I don't need the rings, I don't need the contract and I don't need the seven years or whatever that it adds on to your life. I will be committed to someone for the rest of my life (besides my kid) but I won't walk down an aisle. And I won't change my mind because she wants to be married. I know that I am a quarter of the way through my life on this earth. I'm alright with that. The first 25 years were good and bad and everything you could expect, but I got through them and I do feel stronger. I know that in 2011, I will be 30 years old and I'm not dreading it. Your perception of what's considered "old" changes with every few years but I've never thought of your 30's as being old. I know I've done a lot of growing up in the last few years and I'm probably already mentally into my 30's. I'm ready now to be a father and I understand that I might have to pull my foot off the pedal on my career some to be a great father but I'm willing to do it.
But it's nice to know so many things for sure now, instead of the constant indecision I seemed to live with before all this. I hope the clarity lasts.
