Lately I've been thinking about what kind of father I want to be. I've had great father figures in my life and have never really missed my own father, who left before we were born. My parents were never married. My father is a musician, which explains his seven children by different women. Other than that, and little things you learn along the way, that's all I really know about him. That's all I care to know about him. I don't hold a grudge against anyone. He left and went on with his life and we went on with ours and that's how it was meant to be. I used to be..I guess you'd say affected by it, but not anymore.
I remember not even really noticing I didn't have my father in my life until I was around 7 years old. We were playing outside with some cousins from the other side of the family and one of them, (who constantly insisted on ruining the younger kids lives), started this whole big thing about how no one in our side of the family had both parents around. My mom heard it and a few days later took the three of us to a park and explained who our father was (he happened to be in a newspaper with his band at the time) and that he wasn't around but that it had nothing to do with who we were. Also in this conversation, she told us my younger brother was only our half-brother and that we all had the same father but his mother had passed away during childbirth. Thankfully, his mother had befriended mine (they kinda had a lot in common, eh?) and when she passed away, my mom adopted my brother. We all took it pretty well, all things considered.
A few weeks later we all got to meet our father for the first time. I remember he had this old car and we all piled into the back and us kids were pretty much silent most of the ride. Come to think of it, everybody was pretty silent. We talked to him very little that day but he left his phone number so that we could call him. Mom made it very clear that if we did call him, it had to be from our bedroom and we couldn't tell my grandma because she hated this man with a passion. The phone calls lasted maybe a few months and then nothing. That was the last we ever heard from him. As for child support, I don't know why he never had to pay it. God knows we coulda used it after my grandma died. I remember having to take a blood test when we were 12 to prove paternity but apparently that went nowhere.
I really, REALLY don't want to become my own father. For all I know, he could be a wonderful guy and some wires just got crossed and that's why he was never around. I don't know the whole story and I don't honestly feel the need to know it. Ideally, I wouldn't be in a situation where I'm having a child with someone I'm not in a committed relationship with (like my own father) but this is how it is. I wanna be there for everything important in my child's life. I want her or him to know that I could not be happier about having them in my life. I wanna be good at this and part of me worries that I won't be. But I'm gonna try.
