You'll Get Hooked, You'll Get Drugged, That's The First Rule Of Love

Some people think there's a kind of romance about love being intertwined with pain. Admittedly, I used to be one of them but I don't know if it was by choice. My first girlfriend and I would fight like cats and dogs, say nasty things to each other, but always apologize and make up in the end. We were young, we were passionate and we didn't know any better. After she...left, my love + pain philosophy became more about me seeking out the pain part because I felt I deserved it. Almost as if I wasn't worthy of the love part if she couldn't have it too. Many a lady friend tried to convince me that my train of thought on the subject was ridiculous, but it didn't sink in until one hammered home to me that love and pain should not co-exist. And, as someone else once told me, old habits may die hard but they do die. And new, healthier habits are born, which is the way it should be. We should run towards happiness and away from pain, feel good about the good things and feel bad about the bad things, but don't dwell on them. I adopted that attitude a few years ago and it's a constant battle to stay on that track. But I find that I'm happier when I do.
It's always annoyed me that my brother has a pretty damn good life but he doesn't seem to want it. Two beautiful kids and a woman who (was) insanely in love with him. Living the dream. But because it wasn't the life he wanted he retreats and lingers in his tragedies. He's no better than our own father and he doesn't even realize it. For a minute (this was years ago), I was jealous of what he had cuz I felt like I'd been on a similar path of marriage and family with my girlfriend. But now I wonder if she and I would have suffered the familiar fate of marrying too young and ending up apart. Whenever I think of the what if's between the two of us, I end up in a negative place. It does nothing but remind me of how terribly I miss her. So I try not to think about it so much but it's tough because I feel so guilty when I don't. Like I said before, it's a constant battle.
The other morning I was up way too early and got to thinking about some stuff. This is what I've come up with - love be scary. (But then, tis the season with Halloween right around the corner.) Love is a big deal for sure but it becomes scary when you think you're really onto something. It's a lot of emotions all at once, but it's an amazing rush. It's amazing to feel that way and, I would imagine, to know you make someone feel that way. It really is like a drug, perhaps the best one ever. The greatest emotional high. Love shouldn't just make you happy, it should make you better. It should challenge you. And I think love is better when you're a little bit older because you appreciate it more and you know how rare real love is. I don't know, I'm just rambling now and this may have become a throwaway post. I'm very tired. I guess the point would be that I love that feeling of being in love. Of saying it when you feel it and truly meaning it. Of all the little spontaneous romantic gestures that come with it. Of all of it. And I think you're damn lucky if you find that feeling.

Family IS Fun

So I was on a call with somebody when my sister starts texting me every two minutes. I was reluctant to end the call I was on because I don't feel well and being on the phone with this person made me feel at least a little better. But my sister's youngest son is just back from the hospital for an issue with a virus so I got worried something was wrong. Scratch that, I knew something was up but I knew it wasn't about her son (cue the eerie twin connection thing people are so in awe of). Apparently my brother and sister-in-law had it out over her saying she was gonna file for divorce tomorrow. He accused her of having an affair, she denied it and so on and so forth. Same fight, different day. In all honesty, I have liked my sister-in-law a lot more than my brother the past couple of years. She's basically been a single mother their entire marriage and as far as I see it, filing papers is just a way of making it official so she can go out and find happiness. Anyway, I talked to my brother for the first time in awhile and talked him down from his fit. But I didn't know what else to say that I haven't already. I love him, always will cuz I love unconditionally, but I won't talk to him as long as he's mouthing off and making accusations about cheating towards the mother of his children. And while I don't condone cheating at all, even if she did step out I can't say I'd blame her. So for now everything is okay and no papers have yet been filed and we'll see what happens next.
Yet another family matter that is weighing on my currently aching head is my teenager informing me she plans to move out of my place and in with her boy toy. My response to that, you ask? Four words, my friends: Over. My. Dead. Body. She's 21 so I guess if she actually went through with moving out, there wouldn't be anything I could do about it. But there is just so much dysfunction between her and the boy toy. I recognize it so well because it's like watching my first girlfriend and I when we were a little bit younger than Ricky and Lucy are now. So hot and cold, in love one minute and fighting on the front lawn the next. This week she wants to move in with him, next week she'll be telling me he's an ass and she's gonna break up with him. Same pattern, different decade. And I know the only reason she's so anxious to leave my place is because she doesn't agree with my rules. Tough. She has it pretty damn good with me and I'm curious to see how she thinks she's gonna pay for a place with her boy toy, since they're both students and don't have very much money. *sigh*
And, on one last family note, I had a conversation tonight about adoption that struck a chord with me. A friend's brother knocked up a chick and then took off to do his own thing and the baby is due next month. The mom-to-be is 21 and her family is refusing to help her out if she keeps the baby and she's not really in a position to raise it herself so she's all but decided she's going to give it up for adoption. The father's family doesn't want that but they can't really offer much assistance either and they can't get a hold of the pregnant chick to try and convince her to change her mind about the adoption. The situation sucks all around. I'm not knocking adoption, my sister's youngest son is adopted and none of us can imagine life without him, but I guess I'd never thought about what happens to the birth family after a kid is put up for adoption. Obviously I feel for the friend going through this because I know how it's weighing on her and it kills to not be able to help. I mean, what can you really do? Convince her you'll help as much as you can and hope she accepts the offer? Taking the kid and raising it is pretty much out of the question since that's a big financial burden (take it from a dude who spent entirely too much on shoes for a 3-year-old last week, babies ain't cheap). I don't know. And I have no idea what I would do in that position. It would majorly suck to have a member of your family out with god knows who and you never get to see them. My brother became a "parent" (term used loosely because I still don't see him as a parent) at 19 and I very well could have ended up in the same predicament my friend is in. My brother never wanted kids and he tried to convince the future Mrs. to put up their son for adoption but she wouldn't hear it. But I don't know what she would've done if her family had shunned her and my family couldn't be there to help her out. I might not have gotten the chance to know my nephew. This is like the ultimate catch-22 and it breaks your heart. I feel for the friend and her family and I feel for the kid who's in limbo right now. But...everything for a reason, I guess and it will work out the way it was always meant to be. I just hope the way it's meant to be involves the baby being able to know his birth family on (at least) one side.
*sigh*....Yeah, family is a blast. And I've had enough of this ride for the evening, I'm headed to bed to shake my head and stomach aches. (And I feel old saying this but my back hurts too...like a freaking old man, I tell ya. It's sad.)

Crossing Over

I am now a few days into my new medication schedule and I seem to be doing better than I was when I first began. I'm still moody and I snap at people but I'm starting to find ways to reel myself in (whether that's cuz of my sheer stubbornness or cuz my body's getting used to the meds, I'll never know but I'll take it). Now that the medical crisis is (for the moment) in check, I have to turn my attention to figuring out what I wanna do to like make money and stuff. There are always options and offers to consider but nothing I can't really live without has presented itself yet. Maybe it's naive but I want whatever I do next to mean something. How I get from here to there is the question. I've had more than a few conversations recently about how I seem to be at a crossroads in just about every area of my life. It's kinda made me feel like a college kid who just graduated and has some grown up decisions to make. And it's got me thinking about all the coulda been career paths that have fallen by the wayside over the years.
I'm fortunate to have a family who has always encouraged me and let me know I could be whatever I wanted to be. My mom has always had a way of knowing exactly how to encourage all of her children do what they're passionate about. My brother fell in love with baseball at age 6 and she did whatever she could to make sure he could play. My sister and I have always been obsessed with music. I don't remember a lot about my childhood but I know that the first thing I wanted to be was a record producer. And mom went right to work on helping us achieve that goal. At age 3 I got my first kazoo and, as you know, that is an instrument I still hold near and dear. Six weeks later mom realized that kazoos annoyed the hell out of her and bartered with me to give mine up, which I did in exchange for a harmonica (I guess she found that slightly less annoying). When I was 6, I got a mini keyboard for Christmas that I still own to this day. It was secondhand and the sound wasn't great but I didn't care. A year later I got an electronic drum set (which my mom regrets to this day, though not as much as the kazoo) that I would play for hours every single day. A few years after that, my mom managed to get my sister and I a full sized keyboard that we fought over for the longest time. Then we got an electric guitar and an amplifier and a karaoke machine and it was all downhill from there.
I've always been a bit of a dreamer, even though it goes against everything a typical Taurean is supposed to be. I wanted to be twelve different things as a kid, sometimes all in one day. Doing something in music has always been on my radar but in middle school I decided I was gonna be a chef and go to culinary school. That went out the window when I fell in love with film after a twist of fate in high school. And all of those things are still a part of me; I still love to cook (some days) and I'm still obsessed with music. I guess the things I really love haven't changed much over the years. I've always loved to create and I still do and probably always will. Obviously I love to write but I don't know that I'm good enough to do that for a living. I like to help people but I'm not sure how to combine that with my love of creating. So I guess the general direction I wanna head in is there. I just need to figure out how to make it all come together and work out. It's a scary time but also a little liberating to be in this position. Who knew the year of 30 would present so many potentially life altering decisions?

Welcome To The Wild World of Steroids

Yesterday I began treatment for my anemia in the form of getting pumped full of steroids intravenously. Since then it has been fun times, kids. A lot of people I know are on the same medication I'm now on, but for different conditions. They all said the side effects weren't noticeable for them but they're all on much smaller dosages than me. I hope I can be on a smaller dosage at some point cuz I'm only two days into this and I already don't like myself very much. Immediately following my IV's (I have one more tomorrow and then I'll be taking my meds in pill form), I get very erratic and talk and talk rather loudly. It's a weird little...not really 'high'. After that first hour passes, it's anyone's guess which version of me rears its ugly head. In the past two days I have had: bouts of depression, times when I'm really happy for no reason, and times when I snap at people for no good reason. Last night I didn't fall asleep until around 4:15 AM, even though I was exhausted. I wanted to close my eyes but it was like something was keeping me from doing that. Tired but wired. I asked a nurse about all this and she said moodiness and sleeplessness can be side effects of such a high dose of medication. Fantastic. So I asked her how I was supposed to get more rest (doctor's orders) if the meds were keeping me up. She handed me prescriptions for anti-anxiety meds and something for sleeplessness, then told me to pick up some vitamins to help with my fatigue. It was a lot to take in. I have to take vitamins to help with my energy level, but downers so I can sleep at night. All while dealing with pregnant chick-esque mood swings. I'm hoping all of this is temporary. I know I have to be on this drug regimen for at least three weeks. If it's working, we start tapering off the dosages and thus, the side effects should be less. In the meantime, I apologize in advance if I snap at you or ramble incoherently about something sad or ramble erratically about something happy. We all know I'm moody anyway so I'm making an effort to keep it in check and not make this as bad on all of you as it is on me. Here's hoping the storms are not terrible and they pass quickly.

Thankful.

So I have thought about this moment at least half a dozen times in the past week. Early this morning the doctor left a message saying he had some news and that I needed to give him a call. I was sleeping so I didn't get the message until about an hour later and my stomach sank as soon as I listened to it. And I got so nervous and didn't know if I should call him right back or wait or what. I was a mess. My bro-in-law convinced me to call my mom and tell her what was going on and see what I should do. Mom said it was better to get it over with and know what’s going on and so I called the doc back. I didn't get through to him but the assistant I talked to set up an appointment for me to talk to the doc, which freaked me out even more cuz I figured it must be bad. You know how you read into every little thing when you don’t know what’s going on? That was me for the rest of the morning. My mind has already been racing (off and on) since all this medical stuff began so I didn't need another reason to go to a bad place. I sat down to write but couldn't write. I thought about calling people but didn't know what I would say or what they could say to calm me down. So I just sat on my bed and thought. What happens if it’s the worst case scenario? I have a kid, it’s not like that would just affect me. And of course your mind always goes to the worst place first. I wish I could accurately explain how the time between setting the appointment and going to the appointment felt. It was awful.

I am a very fortunate dude in that I was not diagnosed with leukemia today. Instead I have something called Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia. Cliff notes version is that my red blood cells are dying sooner than they should be because my body thinks they're a threat. Sometimes this type of anemia is inherited but the doc says it's more likely I got it from a blood transfusion since no one else in my family has it. But we'll probably never know what caused it. Because mine is acquired and not inherited, there's a chance it may go into remission with treatment, and treatment is already in progress. As with any other medical problem, there could be complications but I'm not gonna think about those now. Given what the other options are I am IMMENSELY relieved that this is the diagnosis. It could have been much, much worse. This was the second best case scenario. The best, best case scenario was that it was stress and I had literally worried myself sick.
The doctor went out of his way to point out that this diagnosis has to provoke a lifestyle change. I'm going to be on medication to treat the anemia and I'll likely have to start taking some vitamins to balance out the effects of the meds. I also have to start getting a “full 8 hours” of sleep every night because it will help with the fatigue I’ve been feeling and will likely continue to feel until we get this under control. I have to start eating breakfast and try not to skip meals like I usually do. Once I start feeling better I can begin exercising again and hopefully the meds will do their job and keep the anemia in check. Some of the changes are gonna be big and are probably gonna be tough for me but this is one time I'm gonna follow doctor's orders. It's nice to finally know what the problem is. I'm sure I'll have more to say about this as it sinks in but I'm gonna start following orders now and try to get some sleep before my first treatment tomorrow.

Infections & Reflections

Today was my appointment for a second opinion on what it is that may be ailing me. I didn't get an official diagnosis and I didn't really expect to. Hopefully that comes by the end of the week though. I had yet another morning of needles and conversations with health professionals. I think I was just scared today and that manifested in my asking everyone in a lab coat that looked at my chart what they think I have. And I must have been annoying cuz they shot me up with anti-anxiety drugs to shut me up. But fortunately the the doctor understood how I felt and took the time to explain stuff to me. And I liked the way he went about it; he was honest and said there's a chance the diagnosis will not be good, but that there are a lot of reasons to be optimistic about it and that whatever it is, there are people living with it and there's no reason I can't be one of them. Before I left he laid out the most likely diagnosis (I don't know the plural for that word) and gave me at least a ballpark estimate of what I'm dealing with. It's still a very broad range of stuff though. I was asked a million questions about my habits and past health issues (which, as you can imagine, took a long time to recount), which prompted some unsolicited medical advice about me needing to get more sleep and reduce my stress level and so on. But there was also good news today. My fever, which has been holding steady at about 100 since the ER visit, is down and my spleen is not as swollen as it was previously. Also, my white blood cell count is lower than it was a few days ago but is still higher than they'd like it to be. There were other abnormalities in my blood last week that also don't seem as severe this week and that's obviously a good thing. And I'll take all the good news I can get at this point.

Since I have vowed not to Google until I have an official diagnosis, I haven't really gotten to research what the contenders are illness-wise. There was some info the doctor gave me (and what he explained to me) but it was all just basic stuff. It could still be leukemia but not in an acute form, which is good since that type is more aggressive than a chronic type of leukemia. I don't even like using that word though because an acquaintance was diagnosed at my age and died three years later from leukemia and that's where my head goes when I hear that word. Another possibility is a form of anemia that can either be genetic or was acquired via a blood transfusion (I had two of those post-accident). Then, in a weird irony, it could also be a disease that may require multiple blood transfusions as treatment. And of course it could still be what the ER doc originally thought it was when I walked in the door, which was a couple of infections my body had trouble fighting off that were made worse by stress and/or anxiety. But even if that's the case the doc today pointed out there's a reason my body is not fighting off infection as well as it should be and he wants to know what that is.

Already a casualty of this medical mess is my anxiety level. I had terrible anxiety, depression and PTSD in the aftermath of the accident and it got a bit out of control because I refused to acknowledge any of it. Once I got treatment I overdid it with the meds and decided the best thing was to stop taking those altogether. And when I stopped, I stopped EVERYTHING (for years I didn't even take Advil if I didn't feel well). I found other ways to deal with my anxiety and depression and I got better without any meds. But now I may have to take some anti-anxiety meds for awhile and I don't know how I feel about that. I know it's temporary and I doubt things will spiral like they did the last time I was on them. But I've grown quite accustomed to this whole 'clean living' thing where my biggest vice is sweets. So I don't know. I'll have to think on it and figure out if it's worth it or not. But I feel more optimistic about the overall outcome of the medical stuff than I did before today. And that's something.

Adorably Dysfunctional and Incurably Stubborn

The title of this post are two terms that people I'm close to have used to describe me. I'm sure the dysfunctional part needs no explanation. Actually, the stubborn part probably doesn't either. So let's just move on from all that, shall we? I've been Googling the words 'blood disorders' for the past hour or so. Everyone's telling me not to do that because it's not going to help anything but I wanna know what this could be. Problem is there are so many things that this could be that I can't even take in all the information. From what I can tell, the worst case scenario is that I'm diagnosed with some form of leukemia, while the best case scenario is...well, that's less clear to me. There really are no "good" blood disorders. Best case scenario is I never get sick in the first place and I don't have to Google anything. But that's not an option anymore. And so I Google incessantly; when I can't sleep at night, when I get anxious during the day. I know it's not good and I know I shouldn't but that's where the stubborn part comes in. Something in me needs to know what I might be up against. All this not knowing is killing me. I can't say that enough. But I am looking at things through clearer eyes today, which is interesting since I had a hellish flight this morning and have gotten very little sleep today. I'm not upset anymore. I'm still a little sad, though I'm not sure why. I'm hopeful that tomorrow's barrage of tests brings at least a hint as to what may be wrong so I don't have to agonize like this for another two weeks. The way my emotions fluctuate from one hour to the next is crazy right now. I'm like a freakin' pregnant chick (though, thankfully, pregnancy has been ruled out as the cause of my issues). But I think it's just anxiety and I'm not dealing well with it. I need to calm down. I need to be optimistic and I need to not think about what it could be. Cuz that's not helping anybody. So that's what I'm gonna try to do now. I've already been forbidden from Googling and I'm gonna put my stubborn nature aside and actually listen to that advice this time. And we all know I'll still be as dysfunctional as I always was no matter what this turns out to be. So, to clarify; A) Be optimistic, B) Chill the hell out, C) Try and sleep, D) NO MORE GOOGLING.

This Fucking Sucks

I had my first full on emotional breakdown in eons tonight. I made the mistake of spending most of the day Googling various forms of leukemia and their symptoms and it got to me big time. BIG. TIME. I hit a full range of emotions. First I was scared, then I was thankful I wasn't diagnosed with that disease in the ER cuz I have read some horror stories about that. But now I'm just pissed off. This fucking sucks. Yeah, I don't have an official diagnosis yet but the "what ifs" are eating me alive. And I know life is not fair but seriously? I haven't dealt with enough in the past decade? Part of me thinks the waiting may be worse than what I might actually have. It's terrible. Everyone tells me it's gonna be alright and I know I should think that way too but it doesn't take long for my thoughts to wander to the bad place. How can they not? I can't sleep so I'm not recovering well from all the hospital tests. I have no appetite so I barely eat and thus have no energy. But then I could sleep for 12 hours straight and still be exhausted. And that pisses me off even more cuz I feel like my life is basically on hold until I get a diagnosis. Honestly, I feel on the verge of breaking down all the time. The thoughts of what it could be make me feel nauseous. And I don't feel well to begin with. *sigh* I just want it over. One way or another.

What Fools These Mortals Be

I've written before (recently, actually) that I don't think about my mortality that often. I feel like whatever is meant to happen will happen on that front and it's pretty much out of my control. I still believe that. But the past 48 hours have been incredibly trying. I spent a full day in the ER and had a spinal tap that didn't produce the best results. I spent hours with a specialist and had a bone marrow biopsy that provided no more resolution than the ER visit. I've been poked and prodded and had way too much blood taken. I feel worse now than I did the day I went into the hospital. My neck hurts and I can't move it much, every joint in my body aches and I'm constantly freezing, no matter how warm it is in the house. I slept with six blankets last night, two of them comforters, and I was still shivering. On top of all that I can't move very well and am only able to sleep in one position because of all the poking and prodding I've endured. It's been a banner few days all around.
Not knowing what's wrong with me has made it difficult to function as a normal human being. Forget about sleep. All it's good for is having nightmares about what it is that's raging through my immune system at the moment. I didn't realize it until I overheard my mom on the phone talking to a family member, but I've been sick for almost a month now. All of this started so simply; I began taking a new allergy medication and almost immediately felt what I thought were side effects. I toughed it out for awhile cuz my allergies were better but stopped taking it after it became apparent the benefits did not outweigh the risks. I felt fine after I stopped taking it, then started feeling lousy again but chalked it up to some kind of bug I caught from my daughter. Only it didn't go away in the time a bug should. The symptoms would come on out of nowhere, mellow out and then rage again. I would feel fine for part of the day but then need to lie down because something hurt. It advanced to the point where I saw a doctor (and ya'll know how I feel about them) and he diagnosed a sinus infection and prescribed antibiotics. I felt better after a few days of being doped up and stopped taking the meds (I know, I've gotten many a lecture about this.). Perhaps not surprisingly, I was sick again a few days later but with the addition of some new symptoms. My new normal temperature became 99-100 (normal for me is 96) and I had some joint pain, but a lot of people I know were also sick so I again figured it was just a virus. I didn't feel as terrible as before so it didn't seem like a big deal.
A family emergency brought me back to my hometown and I felt even more unwell the day after my arrival. I thought it was jet lag or stress and ignored how I felt until yet another new symptom (sore throat) took over and forced me to see another doctor. This one diagnosed tonsillitis and shot me up with more antibiotics but mentioned I might be fighting off more than one infection because my symptoms didn't present as classic tonsillitis. But the drugs had no effect this time and I started getting worse in a hurry. My neck became stiff, my fever shot up to 103 in a matter of hours and all of my joints hurt. My appetite was gone, I was always fatigued and I would become moody for no real reason at the drop of a hat. The stiff neck and fever can be symptoms of meningitis so I gave in and finally went to the ER to rule that out. Talk about going in for one thing and ending  up with another. The focus shifted from meningitis to the fact that my spleen was swollen and my white blood cell count was high (which is normal when you're sick cuz those cells fight off infection but coupled with the spleen it was a concern). The ER doc waited until my release to tell me they suspected it might be a form of leukemia because all of my symptoms fit. But he added that it could still be something minor or the results could be off for a number of reasons so I shouldn't worry yet and should also get a bone marrow biopsy as soon as I could. That brings us to yesterday when I had the biopsy and yet another doctor looked at it under the microscope and said what he saw concerned him but that he couldn't make a diagnosis because certain things weren't clicking. He agreed with the ER doc that I have a lot of symptoms of leukemia but pointed out that there are forms of the disease that are not as severe and that there are still many other things it could be. I'm going to see another doctor for a second opinion and in the meantime I guess I'll be a nervous wreck.
When you know that you're sick but no one can tell you what it is...it sucks. And I am scared out of my fucking mind. Everything still hurts and I've probably done myself more harm than good Googling what it could be. These past 48 hours have found me confronting my own mortality and not for the first time. I've heard that throughout your twenties you have this sense of invincibility and that contributes to all the wild and impulsive decisions you make. I wouldn't know about that myself since my first mortality check came when I was barely into my twenties. But it makes sense. And I was definitely reckless for a time in my twenties. But nothing slams you back down to earth like having a child. The emotions that come with that aren't anything I can even explain, you feel so many things at once. So anytime something happens to me now I think about my daughter more than I do myself. I usually handle crises well. I may freak out a little but I don't completely breakdown very often. But today was a little different. I woke up suddenly with breathing issues and then launched into a full scale freak out about what's going to happen to me. Even when they say, "it could still be minor"...that doesn't help anything. That doesn't make me feel any better. So...I don't know. I play the waiting game I guess and hope it's one of the minor things and none of the major ones. And do what I can in the meantime to curb some of the symptoms, although anxiety has moved to the top of that list now.