This Fucking Sucks

I had my first full on emotional breakdown in eons tonight. I made the mistake of spending most of the day Googling various forms of leukemia and their symptoms and it got to me big time. BIG. TIME. I hit a full range of emotions. First I was scared, then I was thankful I wasn't diagnosed with that disease in the ER cuz I have read some horror stories about that. But now I'm just pissed off. This fucking sucks. Yeah, I don't have an official diagnosis yet but the "what ifs" are eating me alive. And I know life is not fair but seriously? I haven't dealt with enough in the past decade? Part of me thinks the waiting may be worse than what I might actually have. It's terrible. Everyone tells me it's gonna be alright and I know I should think that way too but it doesn't take long for my thoughts to wander to the bad place. How can they not? I can't sleep so I'm not recovering well from all the hospital tests. I have no appetite so I barely eat and thus have no energy. But then I could sleep for 12 hours straight and still be exhausted. And that pisses me off even more cuz I feel like my life is basically on hold until I get a diagnosis. Honestly, I feel on the verge of breaking down all the time. The thoughts of what it could be make me feel nauseous. And I don't feel well to begin with. *sigh* I just want it over. One way or another.