Thankful.

So I have thought about this moment at least half a dozen times in the past week. Early this morning the doctor left a message saying he had some news and that I needed to give him a call. I was sleeping so I didn't get the message until about an hour later and my stomach sank as soon as I listened to it. And I got so nervous and didn't know if I should call him right back or wait or what. I was a mess. My bro-in-law convinced me to call my mom and tell her what was going on and see what I should do. Mom said it was better to get it over with and know what’s going on and so I called the doc back. I didn't get through to him but the assistant I talked to set up an appointment for me to talk to the doc, which freaked me out even more cuz I figured it must be bad. You know how you read into every little thing when you don’t know what’s going on? That was me for the rest of the morning. My mind has already been racing (off and on) since all this medical stuff began so I didn't need another reason to go to a bad place. I sat down to write but couldn't write. I thought about calling people but didn't know what I would say or what they could say to calm me down. So I just sat on my bed and thought. What happens if it’s the worst case scenario? I have a kid, it’s not like that would just affect me. And of course your mind always goes to the worst place first. I wish I could accurately explain how the time between setting the appointment and going to the appointment felt. It was awful.

I am a very fortunate dude in that I was not diagnosed with leukemia today. Instead I have something called Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia. Cliff notes version is that my red blood cells are dying sooner than they should be because my body thinks they're a threat. Sometimes this type of anemia is inherited but the doc says it's more likely I got it from a blood transfusion since no one else in my family has it. But we'll probably never know what caused it. Because mine is acquired and not inherited, there's a chance it may go into remission with treatment, and treatment is already in progress. As with any other medical problem, there could be complications but I'm not gonna think about those now. Given what the other options are I am IMMENSELY relieved that this is the diagnosis. It could have been much, much worse. This was the second best case scenario. The best, best case scenario was that it was stress and I had literally worried myself sick.
The doctor went out of his way to point out that this diagnosis has to provoke a lifestyle change. I'm going to be on medication to treat the anemia and I'll likely have to start taking some vitamins to balance out the effects of the meds. I also have to start getting a “full 8 hours” of sleep every night because it will help with the fatigue I’ve been feeling and will likely continue to feel until we get this under control. I have to start eating breakfast and try not to skip meals like I usually do. Once I start feeling better I can begin exercising again and hopefully the meds will do their job and keep the anemia in check. Some of the changes are gonna be big and are probably gonna be tough for me but this is one time I'm gonna follow doctor's orders. It's nice to finally know what the problem is. I'm sure I'll have more to say about this as it sinks in but I'm gonna start following orders now and try to get some sleep before my first treatment tomorrow.