I've written before (recently, actually) that I don't think about my mortality that often. I feel like whatever is meant to happen will happen on that front and it's pretty much out of my control. I still believe that. But the past 48 hours have been incredibly trying. I spent a full day in the ER and had a spinal tap that didn't produce the best results. I spent hours with a specialist and had a bone marrow biopsy that provided no more resolution than the ER visit. I've been poked and prodded and had way too much blood taken. I feel worse now than I did the day I went into the hospital. My neck hurts and I can't move it much, every joint in my body aches and I'm constantly freezing, no matter how warm it is in the house. I slept with six blankets last night, two of them comforters, and I was still shivering. On top of all that I can't move very well and am only able to sleep in one position because of all the poking and prodding I've endured. It's been a banner few days all around.
Not knowing what's wrong with me has made it difficult to function as a normal human being. Forget about sleep. All it's good for is having nightmares about what it is that's raging through my immune system at the moment. I didn't realize it until I overheard my mom on the phone talking to a family member, but I've been sick for almost a month now. All of this started so simply; I began taking a new allergy medication and almost immediately felt what I thought were side effects. I toughed it out for awhile cuz my allergies were better but stopped taking it after it became apparent the benefits did not outweigh the risks. I felt fine after I stopped taking it, then started feeling lousy again but chalked it up to some kind of bug I caught from my daughter. Only it didn't go away in the time a bug should. The symptoms would come on out of nowhere, mellow out and then rage again. I would feel fine for part of the day but then need to lie down because something hurt. It advanced to the point where I saw a doctor (and ya'll know how I feel about them) and he diagnosed a sinus infection and prescribed antibiotics. I felt better after a few days of being doped up and stopped taking the meds (I know, I've gotten many a lecture about this.). Perhaps not surprisingly, I was sick again a few days later but with the addition of some new symptoms. My new normal temperature became 99-100 (normal for me is 96) and I had some joint pain, but a lot of people I know were also sick so I again figured it was just a virus. I didn't feel as terrible as before so it didn't seem like a big deal.
A family emergency brought me back to my hometown and I felt even more unwell the day after my arrival. I thought it was jet lag or stress and ignored how I felt until yet another new symptom (sore throat) took over and forced me to see another doctor. This one diagnosed tonsillitis and shot me up with more antibiotics but mentioned I might be fighting off more than one infection because my symptoms didn't present as classic tonsillitis. But the drugs had no effect this time and I started getting worse in a hurry. My neck became stiff, my fever shot up to 103 in a matter of hours and all of my joints hurt. My appetite was gone, I was always fatigued and I would become moody for no real reason at the drop of a hat. The stiff neck and fever can be symptoms of meningitis so I gave in and finally went to the ER to rule that out. Talk about going in for one thing and ending up with another. The focus shifted from meningitis to the fact that my spleen was swollen and my white blood cell count was high (which is normal when you're sick cuz those cells fight off infection but coupled with the spleen it was a concern). The ER doc waited until my release to tell me they suspected it might be a form of leukemia because all of my symptoms fit. But he added that it could still be something minor or the results could be off for a number of reasons so I shouldn't worry yet and should also get a bone marrow biopsy as soon as I could. That brings us to yesterday when I had the biopsy and yet another doctor looked at it under the microscope and said what he saw concerned him but that he couldn't make a diagnosis because certain things weren't clicking. He agreed with the ER doc that I have a lot of symptoms of leukemia but pointed out that there are forms of the disease that are not as severe and that there are still many other things it could be. I'm going to see another doctor for a second opinion and in the meantime I guess I'll be a nervous wreck.
When you know that you're sick but no one can tell you what it is...it sucks. And I am scared out of my fucking mind. Everything still hurts and I've probably done myself more harm than good Googling what it could be. These past 48 hours have found me confronting my own mortality and not for the first time. I've heard that throughout your twenties you have this sense of invincibility and that contributes to all the wild and impulsive decisions you make. I wouldn't know about that myself since my first mortality check came when I was barely into my twenties. But it makes sense. And I was definitely reckless for a time in my twenties. But nothing slams you back down to earth like having a child. The emotions that come with that aren't anything I can even explain, you feel so many things at once. So anytime something happens to me now I think about my daughter more than I do myself. I usually handle crises well. I may freak out a little but I don't completely breakdown very often. But today was a little different. I woke up suddenly with breathing issues and then launched into a full scale freak out about what's going to happen to me. Even when they say, "it could still be minor"...that doesn't help anything. That doesn't make me feel any better. So...I don't know. I play the waiting game I guess and hope it's one of the minor things and none of the major ones. And do what I can in the meantime to curb some of the symptoms, although anxiety has moved to the top of that list now.
