Some people think there's a kind of romance about love being intertwined with pain. Admittedly, I used to be one of them but I don't know if it was by choice. My first girlfriend and I would fight like cats and dogs, say nasty things to each other, but always apologize and make up in the end. We were young, we were passionate and we didn't know any better. After she...left, my love + pain philosophy became more about me seeking out the pain part because I felt I deserved it. Almost as if I wasn't worthy of the love part if she couldn't have it too. Many a lady friend tried to convince me that my train of thought on the subject was ridiculous, but it didn't sink in until one hammered home to me that love and pain should not co-exist. And, as someone else once told me, old habits may die hard but they do die. And new, healthier habits are born, which is the way it should be. We should run towards happiness and away from pain, feel good about the good things and feel bad about the bad things, but don't dwell on them. I adopted that attitude a few years ago and it's a constant battle to stay on that track. But I find that I'm happier when I do.
It's always annoyed me that my brother has a pretty damn good life but he doesn't seem to want it. Two beautiful kids and a woman who (was) insanely in love with him. Living the dream. But because it wasn't the life he wanted he retreats and lingers in his tragedies. He's no better than our own father and he doesn't even realize it. For a minute (this was years ago), I was jealous of what he had cuz I felt like I'd been on a similar path of marriage and family with my girlfriend. But now I wonder if she and I would have suffered the familiar fate of marrying too young and ending up apart. Whenever I think of the what if's between the two of us, I end up in a negative place. It does nothing but remind me of how terribly I miss her. So I try not to think about it so much but it's tough because I feel so guilty when I don't. Like I said before, it's a constant battle.
The other morning I was up way too early and got to thinking about some stuff. This is what I've come up with - love be scary. (But then, tis the season with Halloween right around the corner.) Love is a big deal for sure but it becomes scary when you think you're really onto something. It's a lot of emotions all at once, but it's an amazing rush. It's amazing to feel that way and, I would imagine, to know you make someone feel that way. It really is like a drug, perhaps the best one ever. The greatest emotional high. Love shouldn't just make you happy, it should make you better. It should challenge you. And I think love is better when you're a little bit older because you appreciate it more and you know how rare real love is. I don't know, I'm just rambling now and this may have become a throwaway post. I'm very tired. I guess the point would be that I love that feeling of being in love. Of saying it when you feel it and truly meaning it. Of all the little spontaneous romantic gestures that come with it. Of all of it. And I think you're damn lucky if you find that feeling.
