21st Century Technology

A year and a half ago I wrote a post about the adventure I had purchasing a new laptop, after having broken my old one in spectacularly retarded fashion. My old laptop had a decent operating system but it was about two generations older than what was (and still is) on the market. Getting a new laptop was an adventure both in shopping and beyond because it took me at least a month to become acclimated to a new operating system and to all the bells and whistles my computer came with. And the post I wrote about it all sort of demonstrates my feelings on technology; it's nice, I'm blown away by some of the things it is able to do now (especially having been present when all this interwebs and cell phone business first took off), but I don't feel the need to own every new gadget that comes on the market. Of course, part of that last reason is that all the new technology can be damn pricey and I have a kid to take care of. If I were a rich man, we'd probably both have all kinds of tech toys to play with because I do love me some gadgets. But as it stands, I am one to upgrade to new technology as needed, not as wanted or as released. The saddest part of this is that as a kid I relentlessly teased one of my uncles for refusing to hop on the CD bandwagon. "It's a phase," he said, remaining faithful to his records and eight track as my mom showed off her fancy new CD-playing machine. When he finally did get a CD player, in the year 2000, he said he hoped at least one of us ended up being like him in terms of embracing the latest fads. I, my friends, have turned out to be like him...*sigh*.
While I usually buy a ticket on the last train to the latest technology out of necessity, I find myself hopping on an earlier train this time around. Yes, the rumors are true - I have purchased an iPhone. What is the reason I have decided to enter the 21st century, you ask? Well, I've been month to month for a few years now since my last contract expired and have had very little need or desire to upgrade. My phone is at least three years old but it does its job and has never given me any trouble. The past year, however, it's become increasingly difficult to text on it because I have to flip it open to get to the keyboard to text. I can text without opening it but then I have to use the keypad and click until I get the right letter like back in the olden days of texting. And I hated having to do that, which is the whole reason I upgraded my phone the last time. I've been considering a new phone for a few months now but was leaning toward getting a Droid since they were far less expensive than iPhones. My mom works a company that is affiliated with one of the major cell providers and predicted a few weeks ago that prices would drop on iPhones in anticipation of the new one coming out next month. She was right, my carrier dropped the price down to $20 and I figured why the hell not. (My best friend also hopped on the bandwagon, and more of my crew may soon follow so watch out world.)
My phone arrived a few hours ago (I've yet to activate it and probably won't for awhile, I'm in the middle of a billing period and refuse to pay for two plans at once), and my first observation is that the box it came in is midget small. Awfully spiffy though. I already knew I was going to get a case for it but upon seeing it close up, I am definitely getting a good one. I've already done some research but I think I'll go out to a couple stores this weekend and see what they have. At this point I'm not sure who is gonna be more in danger of breaking it, my 4-year-old or myself. Although I'm generally very careful for my stuff so I'm not overly concerned about that (*knocks on wood for good measure*). When I finally do start using it, it will be a whole new world, I'm told. We'll see how that works out. Generally, I just need my phone to make calls and text but it will be nice to have one that can hold more of my music. And I'm a bit excited about some apps. It might not be terrible to have a new phone. The rest of the world should be concerned though. I swore up and down I would never own an iPhone and now I'm looking at one I purchased. The end is probably actually here.

I Love You...Let's Discuss Taking Out A Lease With An Option To Buy

My sister and bro-in-law are celebrating their fourteenth anniversary of togetherness this weekend. Our beloved Crazy Aunt is also celebrating a birthday this weekend. Upon thinking about my sister being happily taken for quite some time and preparing to walk down the aisle in a year, and my cousin having recently celebrated his ten year wedding anniversary, Crazy Aunt said, 'They still seem really happy too Mijo...I wonder what is wrong with the rest of you'. The rest of us being my cousins and myself, all in varying degrees of relationships but all pretty much single. Thank you Crazy Aunt...I appreciate you telling the rest of us we're unlovable by anyone but our own kin (have I mentioned how much I absolutely adore this woman?). Although, she does have a bit of a point. My generation has been quite restless. Some of us want marriage and/or kids very badly, while others want love but are completely content without what's supposed to come after that. Some of us have been close to all that, others have purposely distanced themselves from it. Most of us have been in long-term relationships but obviously nothing that stuck. And long-term for us really just means lingering over a period of several months and/or years. It was just a bit depressing to realize our longest consistent relationships were only about two years before they headed to the unhealthy on and off territory. Trying to make ourselves feel better about being unable to keep things together, we started talking about whether we could count our cell phone contracts as long-term relationships. And you know what? We did. And going by that logic, we're all quite good at sticking it out for the length of a contract. Verizon and I just renewed ours until 2014, at which time we'll have had at least ten (and probably more) happy but at times rocky years together. So why can't the same logic apply to actual marriages? I don't think it's as crazy as it sounds.
Picture this: A much younger me recruited to be the ring bearer in my uncle's wedding. My sister was a flower girl and, reluctantly, walked down the aisle but refused to throw flowers. This is her favorite uncle and she did not want him marrying this woman (we were 5 but apparently very opinionated even then). Once she finished walking down, it was supposed to be my turn. What did I do? I refused to walk down the aisle. How's that for foreshadowing? My mom took me to the beginning of the aisle and told me to go the rest of the way. Instead, I ran in the opposite direction like the cops were chasing me and, upon being apprehended, had to be carried down the aisle by my other uncle. As if that weren't enough, I had to practically be held the entire ceremony because I wanted to run outta that church something fierce. I don't remember any of it, but my family still tells the story and finds it both hilarious and interesting given my stance on marriage as a growned up. Crazy Aunt thinks it was a sign and I knew even then that I never wanted to participate in such a ritual. More than a few people have said they can't be sure the result wouldn't be the same if I were parked at the top of an aisle these days. Either way, it strengthens the argument for shorter marital contracts.
Even though I tend to be bad at relationships, I'm not terrible at commitment. That's something I don't mind at all. But marriage just seems...big...maybe too grown up for me or something. Forever is nice in theory but it takes an awful lot of work to get there and maintain it. I wonder what the world would be like if marriage was like a cell phone contract; sign on for a couple of years and then decide if you want to continue beyond that. Or like a lease on a car, sign on the dotted line and commit for a few years and then decide if you want to tough it out long-term. A friend brought up this idea awhile ago and I scoffed at it but now it sounds like a good idea. Although she thinks the minimum should be five years, not two. And I guess that does make more sense. But I would be more likely to commit to a two year contract instead of a five year one. It's kinda funny when you think about how we all commit to pointless things everyday; cell phone contracts, leases on cars, parties, most of which cost us money. But a commitment to the person we love, which gives us so much more than it takes, seems to be a tall order. Someone should really run with this marital lease idea. Could be the wave of the future.

Something For Everyone

I may be a little busy this weekend and unable to write much, but I wanted to get something up because it irks me to go too many days without posting. These came in my email today and sharing is caring. Have a good weekend, kids!

For the best friend and her newlywed sister.

For the beautiful, sure to be slightly
dysfunctional (in a fun way) Miss N...
and for the  nieces and nephews.

For the sister and bro-in-law, celebrating FOURTEEN
years this weekend!

    Amen.

For my mom...yes, my mom.

For my homies.

For Mo, who will learn to love this song if it kills us both.

For the bunch of crazies who drive me crazy and are still
some of my best friends.

If You Get Caught Between The Moon And New York City

Me: Yeah, last time we flew out of there we got diverted and then stuck. It was awful.

A: Oh I remember that. Where did you get caught again?

Me: Somewhere between the moon and New York City.

A: LMAO

Me: I know that sounds crazy. But it's true.

A: lol Awesome. Just awesome.

Me: lol I just heard the song yesterday so your timing in asking that question was impeccable.

A: What do you think we should do if we end up getting caught between the moon and New York City?

Me: I think the best that you can do, the best that you can do, is fall in love.

A: LOL And you provided your own background. You are so special.

Me: lol I'ma take that as a compliment.

A: You do that hun.

We Was Outlaws

Best Friend: I bet he didn't even ask my dad before he proposed either. That rat bastard.

Me: LOL What are we, 1930's gangsters? Rat bastard...

Best Friend: LOL I don't know...I'm upset!

Best Friend: I'm sure you and I have caused gangster-esque debauchery together in lives we've lived before.

Me: Oh no doubt. 1933 was a good year.

Best Friend: LOL So wouldn't be surprised if I was the Bonnie to your Clyde.

When We Were Young

So my best friend's sister got married. Why is that a big deal? Because this chick has been all over the sexual, wild child spectrum in her 30 years. She was a part of a snotty clique in high school and came home the summer after her sophomore year of college declaring she was a lesbian. That Christmas she brought home her "girlfriend", who just happened to be one of her best friends from high school who we also did not know was a "lesbian". Turns out, that whole lesbian thing didn't take and a few years ago she started dating a dude. They've been on and off and on again and off again ever since, from what I hear. Obviously my best friend and I get along fantastically, but my relationship with her sister has been...complicated. We've never been friends, yet we've known each other our entire lives. Since their mom passed away last year we've talked more but it's still just a 'whenever we're in the same place' kinda small talk. We don't actively seek to keep in touch. That said, she's still family and knows she can call on me for whatever she needs and the reverse is also likely true.
You know how some siblings are very similar, while others are polar opposites? That's the case with the best friend and her sister. They're each other's only siblings but were raised by a small village of aunts and uncles and with their cousins, so it was all just one big mob. They have never had a close, sisterly bond; the best friend has that with my sister and her own sister has that with a cousin. But they get along much better now than they did growing up, they used to fight constantly. In a way, the best friend is her fathers' daughter in that she's very warm and spiritual and fun. Her sister is more like their mom; quiet and reflective and with the occasional mean streak. The difference between her and her mother is that the latter would only show that mean streak when she was upset. Her daughter used to be such a mean girl in her teenager years but she seems to be mellowing out now. Their dynamic makes me not want another daughter for fear that my girls would have similar opposite personalities. (But who are we kidding? We all know I still want another one.)
I am...baffled. By the marriage, by the lesbian-ness and then non-lesbian-ness. It's also interesting what kind of feelings sneak up on you when your younger siblings do something before you. The natural assumption is that you'll do things in a certain order because...that's just how it should be. I remember being totally thrown by my brother having kids before me (I wasn't so torn up about him being the first to get hitched since neither the sister or I wanted that). Yet when my sister had her daughter a few years prior, there was no such feeling since she's older than me (if only by two minutes, I still consider her my older sister). My 29-year-old cousin is considering marrying his girlfriend before the end of the year and that has me feeling similarly to when my brother had a kid before me. As does this spur of the moment marriage. When the hell did I get so old? Further adding to my old man-ness today is that my "teenager" is 22 and entering her senior year of college. She'll graduate college next year. I still remember when I graduated college. Seriously, when did I get so damn old? Fortunately, I am not alone in asking such a question since the best friend is equally puzzled over her sister's wedding. I tried to make her feel better by saying technically she was the first to get married...and divorced. Shockingly, that did not go over well and she pointed out that I have a kid in college and one entering pre-school (she knows I be illin' over that). *sigh* Old age sucks.

And I Am A (Clumsy) Material Girl

My friends and I recently did some karaoke for the first time in ages. We decided to make things more exciting by putting forth a rule that others got to choose your song and you had to sing it regardless of how you felt about it. My song? "Material Girl" by Madonna. Yeah. As if that weren't bad enough, I slipped on something while singing (shut up! I did too!) and almost bit the floor. I was able to catch myself but hurt my foot and tore my jeans right down the crotch. Fun times, indeed. These are the texts I woke up to from my fellow karaoke...ers.

G: Watching you sing "Material Girl" with authority - PRICELESS. Watching you fall off stage and almost flash your cash and prizes to your harem at the edge of the stage - FREAKIN' AMAZING! LOL

E: Hey supastar. How's it hangin'? Oh wait...half of New Jersey can answer that question for me lol

Y: Remember that time when I had eight too many and flashed Bourbon Street inadvertently? And remember how you told everyone that story over and over again for months? Now I have an equally embarrassing story to tell about you! Thank you so much!

R: I don't know what's funnier...the fact that you sang Madonna so well or the fact that you fell completely sober. Either way, I salute you sir.

A: Morning hot stuff. How's your ass the morning after it kissed the pavement? lol

S: I want you to do what you did last night at my wedding...that sounds so wrong...but so right...

I need new friends.

"My Job Is To Keep Her Off The Stripper Pole" - Chris Rock

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to have a daughter. Now that mine is getting past the cute toddler years and entering the child years, the novelty is beginning to wear off. Don't get me wrong, I still adore the little lady and would do anything for her. But dang yo, it be tough to raise a girl these days. And apparently I am not alone in that line of thinking. My best friend, also the parent of a daughter, sent me an article about how girls as young as six (SIX!!) are concerned about being "sexy". What. The. Fuck. Seriously?? I didn't even know the word 'sexy' at six years old. These are the kinda statistics that make me want to buy the highest room in the tallest tower and lock up my girl until she's too old to be considered sexy (what is that nowadays? Like 70? Plastic surgery is the devil.). In the little poll at the bottom of the article, 75% of people said it was harder to raise a girl these days. Fantastic. So glad I've told anyone who would listen that I'd like another girl, essentially pre-ordering another one or two with the man upstairs (I wonder how one can cancel an order like that). Yes, people can say they want this or that and never get it but girls run in my family...damn it all.
Next month my daughter will start a pre-school program and be gone for half the day. Her mother and I have already had several conversations about how we have no idea what we'll do with the free time we're going to have. And it's only gonna get worse from there. Next thing you know, she'll be in 1st grade and be gone all day. She'll choose who she hangs out with and we won't be able to control what she'll overhear on the playground or be told by her new friends. She will come home with questions that neither of us will want, or even know how, to answer. She will become more independent and no longer require my help to do things. She'll enter grade school and start to say, "Yeah, I don't know who that weirdo is" when her friends ask who the big goof following her around like a lost puppy is. She will enter high school. She will start to date (*shudder*). She'll leave the nest and, possibly, go to college. Hopefully she'll find her passion and pursue it wholeheartedly. She'll get married to some fool and, perhaps eventually, make me a grandfather. A GRANDFATHER! *sigh* I don't even wanna think about it.
Of course, being that she's only 4 right now, there are 14 more years between her and adulthood. Fourteen years of mother-daughter battles and father-daughter battles and who knows what else. The challenge is getting her from here to there without anything crazy or illegal (cuz after all, she is her father's daughter) happening. I can't even fathom that someday I'll have to sound like my own parental figures and say, "You're not going out the door wearing that, go change!". Nor can I imagine having to explain to her why boys are evil. Given that her mouth is already in full effect, I am 100% sure I will have to say, "Don't talk to your mother that way.". And I may just shoot myself if I ever utter the words, 'young' and 'lady' in the same sentence. Good god, that's gonna make me feel old. Hell, I already feel old. Why can't they stay cute and little and needy forever?

Parade Of Nations (And An Anatomy Lesson For One Lucky Fella)

G: And Iran, Iran so far away
Me: LOL. Czech you and your fancy iPhone out
G: LMAO Aussie you understand the typos so well
Me: lol Israeli funny to me
G: LMAO I'm Russian to forward this to everybody
Me: LOL Nice!
Y: Ya'll have no idea how Hungary I am
A: lol Norway you'll be able to eat before 3, I bet
R: LOL Well I just can't Belize that
Me: LOL Oman that was funny
Y: LMAO! I'm Ghana go to lunch now
E: Guinea a minute and I'll join you
G: lol Where Uganda go eat?
A: LOL. Something without too much Greece
R: I'm in the mood for Turkey myself
G: Don't forget to finish your meal off with something Sweden
Y: I think I'll have a Romanian salad. Are you here yet?
A: LOL. If Ukraine your neck, you can see where I am
Me: I'm sorry I Congo to lunch with ya'll
E: LOL Wow Uruguay
G: LMAO!! Are you Syria with that comment right now?
R: Kenya not be so rude lol
Me: I'm Nepal by that comment
Y: LOL I wish I Chad more time for this convo
E: Me too. This convo has been so Labia
Me: LOL! Wow...
Y: LMAO LABIA??
A: WTF? LOL
R: ...Anyone want to tell him what's wrong with that? lol
G: LMAO! It's LIBYA.
E: ? Why is it so funny? Cuz I spelled it wrong?
Y: Are you near a computer or smartphone or woman who won't slap you for asking personal questions?
E: No to all
Y: Libya is a country. Labia is a part of the female anatomy.
E: LOL Oh...wow, I was way off
R: Yes. You. Were. But that was hilarious
G: Guys, now we're off the country path
Me: CANADA SUCKS!
A: Amen!
G: lol Ya'll suck. I don't think Taiwan to have this conversation anymore

(It really is amazing the awesomeness you can accomplish when you should be doing something else. Love it.)

Hormonalpalooza 2012

A friend of mine has been in school...well, the entire time I've known her. I think she was still in high school where our twisted union began. Now she's in college and, fingers crossed, graduating and going into social work next year. She often acts as my shrink, but was analyzing someone else tonight. Some time ago she was going off about something and blamed it on her lady time and I dubbed it, 'Hormonalpalooza'. And with that, a phenomenon was born amongst my friends. I blame tonight's exchange on Hormonalpalooza too.

Friend: It sounds like she's projecting. She thinks something is wrong with him, because she can't accept that there is something wrong with her.
Me: lol Flaunt those 30 years of college schooling. Flaunt it!
Friend: lol Fuck you
Me: LOL!
Me: That. Was. AWESOME!
Me: You love me
Friend: lol I do dammit

Ain't We All Just Runaways

Good news: I don't have Leukemia. My spleen and I will soon part ways, but hey, we had a good 31 year run. (I'll miss you spleen!) I'm VERY relieved that that seems to be the worst of the diagnosis though. Hopefully I can get the anemia back in check and everything works out. Gooder news: I was Googling possible diagnosis last week until I was told not to do so anymore. Instead, I decided to download music because it'd been ages since I'd gotten some new tunes. And I found some pretty good new music out there. So now I am without cancer AND my music libary (yes, libary because that's how my daughter says it right now) is updated. This is my favorite of the tunes I've downloaded. It's a new song but it reminds me of my teen years (amongst other things) for some reason. Also, I had a conversation last week with a friend about a paper they were writing on a form of anemia someone they once knew had. It veered into territory neither of us could've imagined. Oh and one last note, Jo-Willy lost out on playing in the Gold Medal game in singles (*falls to knees* JO-WILLYYYYYY!!!!!), but won silver in doubles. I'm over the Olympics now since it's basically just Track and other sports no one cares about, although I am still keeping an eye on a few sports. (Btw, did you know Tug of War used to be an Olympic sport? Now that's one thing I could qualify in. RIO 2016, baby!!) I'll be back for the Closing Ceremony. I leave you with the best anemia convo EVER.

Friend: I know a little boy who has Diamond Blackfan Anemia...He's had to get transfusions every two weeks since he was born

Me: That's awful. But I wish my anemia had a kick ass ninja name like that

Friend: Right?

Me: Diamond Blackman Anemia is an awesome name

Me: lol BlackFAN. Not blackman. But that would be awesome too

Friend: LOL

Me: The tiny Shaft in my blood

Me: Or I could called him Samuel L. Jackson cuz that dude's in everything

Friend: LOL I just let out a retarded giggle at the thought of Samuel L. Jackson being in you

Me: LOL In my blood dammit!

Friend: Noooope! You're stuck with Samuel L. Jackson being in you

Who Needs Morals...Or Patience...Or Sobriety, Anyway

I love these things...

But You Say He's Just A Friend, But You Say He's Just A Friend...

I had to go in for all kinds of awful tests this week, but I don't wanna talk or think about that. While I was sitting in the waiting room the other day I overheard two women talking about some story they'd seen on television yesterday about whether or not straight men and women can be just friends. Ya'll know where I stand on the subject since I've had the same best friend since birth and she just happens to be female. We grew up together, she was my first kiss and we were roommates throughout college and for awhile afterward. It's never been a big deal for either of us, but in college we found out that not everyone is as comfortable with it as we are. She brought home a dude she was dating and I was sitting on the couch watching TV. This guy immediately got all upset and started asking why there was "some dude" at her place and she said she'd told him she had a roommate and didn't think it would be a problem that I was a dude. So he says to her, he says, "Well it's not a big deal if you're not sleeping with him". Cuz me must be getting it on if we live together and aren't of the same sex. Needless to say, he couldn't handle it and they never went out again. A repeat of this event happened post-college as well, but with me bringing home a date who couldn't handle that I lived with a woman. I still don't understand the big deal.
Can straight women and men be just friends? Of course they can. I have female friends that I've never slept with or made out with or thought about doing either of those things with. I also have female friends (and acquaintances) that I've done both of those things with. I think it really depends on the people involved in the friendship. One of my best guy friends was dating this Bible thumper chick recently who took offense to his close friendships with his girl friends. Our little group consists of four dudes and two chicks (occasionally a third chick) and we're all in pretty constant contact everyday. One of the girls texted him at two in the morning because she was freaking out about something and needed to talk. His lady friend freaked the hell out and laid into him saying there was no way he was just friends with a chick texting him at that hour. Seriously? She's known for months now that his friends are comprised of dudes AND chicks, but she just brings up her objections now? He tried to cool her damn jets by telling her that most of us have lived together at some point or another and now apparently Little Miss Jesus thinks we're involved in some type of orgy club (which we all find HILARIOUS). I don't know why she doesn't think we could all just be friends. But I guess everyone's view differs.

Spotified

Me: I should really use Spotify more
Friend: Yes. Yes you should
Me: Really is a kick ass little program
Me: Even if it does tell all my Facebook friends I listen to Britney Spears
Friend: Whaaaa...but you hate Britney!
Me: Niet! Her stuff is empty in terms of meaning but some of it is damn catchy
Friend: I'm judging you right now
Me: I regret nothing.
Me: Except telling you what I just did. Regret that a bit lol
Friend: LOL I fuckin' love you

Going For Gold

Some observations and comments from those near and dear to me about the Olympic Games.

(On the Opening Ceremony)

"What...the fuck...was that...?" - Pretty much everyone I know. That sh-t was terrible.

(On Men's Tennis)

Me: What are you doing?
Mom: Watching tennis
Me: I didn't know you even liked tennis
Mom: I just like to look at the men
Me: ...Oh...
Mom: Same with water polo. And they have an underwater camera and they wear the tiny Speedos
Me: Can we talk about anything else please?
Mom: When are you getting married and giving me more grandchildren?
Me: So Speedos, huh?

(On Men's and Women's swimming)

Mom: I hate the breaststroke, it's the slowest race and takes forever.
Bro: Well they have to have it. Someone has to win the Gold in the breaststroke.
Me: Yeah...let's see who is the best at stroking those breasts.
Sis: LOL. Wow...
Mom: They breaststroke so slowly too
Bro: I didn't think the Olympics were open minded enough to televise both men and women stroking breasts.
Me: I wonder what it's like to be the best breaststroker in the world...
Bro: LOL
Mom: Not worth it if that's all you can stroke

My favorite name of an Olympian so far? Jo-Wilifried Tsonga. He's a French tennis player who goes by the nickname of, 'Jo-Willy'. How can that not make you smile?