Baby New Year

I wasn't going to write a sappy end of the year post but a friend of mine did so on Facebook and it got me thinking about how I owe so many people a big thank you for this year. 99.9% of stuff in my life was pretty damn good and it's because of the connections and conversations and experiences I shared with ya'll. My family continue to be amazing and a wonderfully goofy source of support. I absolutely loved watched a lot of you flourish in so many ways this year; professionally, personally, as human beings. I'm proud of you for powering through the BS and finding all your happy places (that sounds dirty, but it's not meant to be...ok, maybe it is for Crazy Aunt's sake). To the inner circle that is Y, G, A, E and R...we went through A LOT this year and it brought us all closer, which I never would've thought was possible. Thank you for being my besties. Agent W, you is also one of the best besties a fool could ask for and I'm immensely thankful we found our way back into each other's lives. BJ por vida (or until we get bored and start a new endeavor)! S, thank you for the...how shall we say...lack of hospitality during my stay with you last month, and for the awesome advice. Let's do this ish in 2015 (finally!). Lu, our time together was short but thank you for the long talks and the infectious enthusiasm you continue to give off. I look forward to many more awesome projects next year. Savi, you are wise-ish beyond your years (I said ish, don't get it twisted). Your insight and hilariousness made for some memorable moments this year and I hope it's only the beginning of an awesome friendship.

I learned a lot of things in 2014. I learned what my worth is, I learned how to be a better person overall. And I re-learned something I've long known but forgot in recent years and that is that life is a choice. You choose to be happy, you choose to let sadness overwhelm you, you choose to lead with love or you choose to create your own drama. You choose to change yourself or your circumstances if you're unhappy, and if you don't change, then you get what you get. A professor of mines used to say that the way your life turns out is dictated by how you choose to live it, so if you're disappointed in the outcome, you only have yourself to blame. And he's right. I made many good decisions this year; re-dedicating myself to my faith, taking on certain projects, accepting people back into my life. And I reaped the benefits of those good decisions. But I also made some bad ones and got what was coming to me for having done so. But everything is a learning process and everything happens for a reason. I hope 2015 brings genuine happiness to everyone I love (and hey, it wouldn't hurt if one of you became fantastically wealthy and chose to share the riches). Thank you 2014 for being kind, here's hoping 2015 does the same.

The "Meh, You'll Do" Boaaaaat, Soon We'll Be Making Another "Meh" Ruuuuuun

A friend sent me an email this morning with the subject line,  "How sad". It contained a link to an article about a dating site geared toward finding people not necessarily their soul mates, but someone they're willing to settle for. Seriously, that's the whole purpose of the site. Members list the pros and cons about themselves (they're missing a golden opportunity if this section isn't called "What's Wrong With Me"), and are also required to put up both good and and bad pictures of themselves. After that, I guess they just sit back and wait for Mr. or Miss Good Enough to find them. How depressing. I feel sad for anyone who is at the point where they're willing to settle for someone who just makes them feel "meh" and has a few things in common with them. I wanna be madly, head over heels, "oh my god is this really my life" in love with someone and definitely have zero interest in settling for anything less. Granted, I'm only 33 so I'm not in panic mode about not having found my lobster yet. But even if I were older and single, I wouldn't be so unhappy alone that I hitch my wagon to the first decent chick who comes along. I don't want Miss Good Enough, I want Miss I Can't Believe She's Mine.
I'm a big believer in the whole you can't love someone else until you love and are happy with yourself thing. It should be common sense, right? If you can't accept yourself and all of your flaws then how can you expect someone else to do it? I used to dwell on my flaws and on the reasons why I shouldn't be in something good and thus I wandered for years and sabotaged my own happiness. In the grand scheme of things, I believe this was something that needed to happen for me to realize I needed to change and then have faith that everything else would fall into place. I loathe most change, but when it's necessary, I stick with it. And so far, it's brought wonderful things into my life. I love my work, I love my inner circle and know they love me, and I've had awesome opportunities that I either would've missed out on or denied myself if I were still in that dark ages hole I dug. I'm a lucky dude. And a happy one. Happiness is like gold and you hold onto it when you find it. I used to think my flaws defined me, but now I see everyone's flaws as just small imperfections in otherwise beautiful masterpieces. I used to nitpick the women I dated until I found a flaw I convinced myself I couldn't live with, but now it's like I find those flaws almost endearing. Life would be so boring if we were all 100% happy with ourselves and all saw ourselves as total catches (because, let's face it, some of us definitely are not). Quirks and flaws are what keep friendships and relationships and great romances interesting and alive. I hope at least some of those people on this Last Chance dating site realize that and demand better for themselves.

12 Inches To A Yard

Friend: You digging out, mon?
Me: Yep. They said it would be one inch. It's 12 inches.
Friend: It's 12 inches, huh? lol
Me: LOL. The snow!!
Friend: Uh huh. Personally, I love when things are bigger than advertised, but maybe that's just me lol.
Me: lol Again, THE SNOW!
Friend: Yeah, yeah lol.

I Gets It From My Mama

The scene: Crazy Aunt walks into the room where my mom, the BF and I are sitting.

Crazy Aunt: Ho, ho, ho!

BF: Um...Merry Christmas?

Crazy Aunt: It wasn't a Christmas thing, I just saw three hos sitting at a table and wanted to call attention to it.

Mom: Excuse you, I haven't been a ho in at least 30 years! Wait, how old are you?

Me: ...33.

Mom: Okay, then I haven't been a ho in at least 26 years!

Me: Ewwww.

BF: LOL. Oh my god, I never realized until just now...but you and mom have so much in common!

Crazy Aunt: You're right. They're both hos.

Me: Excuse you, I haven't been a ho in at least 30 hours! Wait, what time is it?

BF: One o'clock.

Me: Okay, then I haven't been a ho in at least 12 hours!

Mom: That's a much bigger discrepancy than mine was.

Me: I have a worse memory than you do.

BF: And his hoing days aren't over.

Mom: Well, I always wanted my kids to have better than I did. And we know your siblings didn't get the ho gene.

Cousin's Girlfriend: Dude, your mom is awesome. She just dissed your siblings for settling down and having kids.

Dude, my mom IS awesome.

Dreams, Dreams Of When We Had First Started Things

Thursday night, I went to a holiday party at my friend T's place and ran into the youngin. I've known T since college and we both know a lotta people from a lotta places, but I couldn't figure out how she could possibly know the youngin since they never crossed paths during our time together. As it turns out, the youngin is dating a medical student who works with T's brother, an intern. Talk about it being a small world. Friday morning, I flew home for the holidays and whilst waiting for my bags I heard, "Hey stranger!". That would be K, an ex I had a not so great break-up with eons ago. Our run in was less WTF than the one with the youngin because K's dad is from my homestate and I know she comes back for all major holidays. K and I had an interesting time together way back when. She was just out of a divorce and had a young son when we started dating. We were both on vacation in Vegas and hung out for a week, then continued to sort of date, the situation made more difficult by the fact that we lived on two different coasts. We saw each other as much as possible, but I never considered us as going steady or anything because I knew I wasn't the only one she was seeing. I'd go days without hearing from her and then things would pick up again, on and off it went. I asked on a few occasions who the other guys were, but she always changed the subject and wouldn't admit there were others. I tired of the on/off nature of the whole thing and called it off and that's when she seemed to take an interest in my activities and who I was with. It got ugly and we didn't speak again until early this year when she reached out to congratulate me on something. She was newly single at that time and insinuated that we should maybe hang out but I declined the invitation. At the airport, she suggested we grab a drink and I agreed.
I find that when I reconnect with an ex who I either didn't treat very well or blindsided with my decision to walk away, there's a point where it becomes open season on asking every question either side had about why it ended up the way it did. And this is usually tremendously helpful on a lot of levels. K and I shot the breeze and talked about the relationship she'd ended earlier this year and she said something about how all of the magic and wonder had gone out of it. The fights had built up and taken their toll on both of them, so much so that when she floated the idea of calling it quits, he put up absolutely no defense. She remembered how great things had been between them in the beginning, how she'd considered spending her life with the dude. And then it all just stopped and they were strangers and it was over. This all sounded so familiar to me. I told her I was involved with someone who did the same thing she used to, go MIA when it suited her and make no effort to change. I asked why she did that and confirmed that she was with other guys during those times. I told her I didn't think BP was ever with someone else, but the behavior was maddening all the same. I mentioned that we also had some nasty arguments and that she never was interested in getting them squared away and getting to a decent place. Taking all of this in, K said, "Well...maybe she just wasn't into you anymore. It was familiar and that's why you both hung on.". And it's like a light bulb went on in my head. I remember towards the end of our association, I asked BP what she even got out of keeping me on the line but refusing to actually deal with shit and her answer told me all I needed to know, "Bc I'm curious". She tried to say she was curious about "what we could be", but I don't think that's what she meant. She enjoyed screwing with my head because up until that point, she'd been on the receiving end of that shit from her mother and brother. It was a chance to turn the tables and take back her power in some weird, dysfunctional way. I tell ya, the more time that goes by, the more I realize how lucky I was to get out of that shit when I did.

Til ________ Do Us Part

When someone close to me is going through something serious, I have a hard time getting it off my mind. I want the best for everyone I love and it's a pain in the ass when you realize that maybe some things just aren't meant to be. A friend of mine, two very good friends actually, have hit a rough patch in their 12-year marriage. They're both around my age and met waaaay back in 2001 (I introduced them). After about a year together, they married, my accident having made them realize how short our time on earth is and that they wanted to spend their lives together. Because of that, I was one of only a handful of people at the wedding. For the next decade or so, they flourished as a couple. They were happy, loved their work and spent a fair amount of time traveling together. Then, they began to explore the idea of becoming parents. They'd gone back and forth about it for years, wanting to do as much as a couple as possible before adding kids to the mix. But this chick was born to be a mother, she's one of the most caring and loving people I've ever known (I felt the same way about MOC during our time together and she's turned out to be an amazing mom). They began asking what parenthood is like, what the upsides and downsides are, etc. And then none of us heard anything else about it. We all figured they'd changed their minds so we never mentioned it again. In June of this year, she texted me and said she was moving back to her hometown and was going to work on getting her Masters degree. When I caught that she didn't include her husband in the scenario, she quickly corrected herself by saying that he would commute between NY and her hometown, and added that everything was fine between them (even though I didn't ask). That was the first hint of trouble. And things have only gotten worse since then.
As the months rolled by, friends and family began to notice that one of them showing up to an event without the other was becoming a common occurrence. At first, none of us connected the dots because we're rarely all in the same place at once and these absences were little more than a, "No, he/she wasn't there" sidenote in passing. But DMC's new wife pointed out that a lot of the changes the female friend has been making are the kind you'd expect of someone just out of a relationship. Worried, I bit the bullet last month and asked if everything was okay. And the response was not at all what we'd expected. Everyone assumed her decision to go back to school was spurred by the loss of her job. Instead, we were informed that they'd been trying to have a baby for the last two years only to find out that it's highly unlikely it will ever happen. That's why she's opted to make so many changes lately. And everything since June makes a ton of sense now that the last piece of the puzzle has been inserted. And I feel awful. It sucks when people who don't want kids can have a mess of them, while those who do and would be amazing parents can't even have one. I know how badly she wanted that. Apparently, they were in the process of discussing adoption when she began making all kinds of changes without consulting him (moving, college, etc).
When this friend divulged all of this last month, he was just beginning to worry about the state of the marriage but decided to go with a "wait and see" approach about it all. He said he believed she was just grieving over all that had happened but would rebound and they would get back on an adoption track. What a difference a month makes. She was sick over Thanksgiving, so she stayed behind while he flew home for the holiday and he seemed encouraged by how upset she was over missing being with the family (you grasp at straws when things are that dire, ya'll). The plan was for them to spend Christmas with his family, but when he arrived home last week he was sans wife and wedding band. The ring could be nothing, they were both eternally forgetful of them for years, but her evasiveness when asked about her holiday plans is starting to worry me. All either of them will say about anything is, "It's fine", and according to DMC he genuinely seems fine, not depressed or sad or any of that. There's a rather large family event coming up this weekend, so if she doesn't attend that, it's probably time to really worry. I hope they can work it out because they're both wonderful people.
My sister and I talked about the situation this morning and concluded relationships are hard. That's not news obviously, but our experiences are quite different since I'm a manwhore (or what we call Manwhore Lite, these days) and she's been happily committed to someone for 16 years now. She says to me, she says, "Look, relationships are hard under the best of circumstances, I can't imagine them at the worst...". And I was like, dude...your husband's brother had heart surgery a year into your relationship, then ya'll were teen parents, then your best friend died and your twin almost died, then your son was born prematurely and deaf in one ear and then you adopted another son who is also deaf. Methinks ya'll have seen the best of times and the worst of times. And our exchange got me thinking even deeper about a story from my London travels. I went on a long-delayed blind date while I was there and the chick turned out to be two years out of a divorce. They'd met young, dated for five years and then married when she was in her late 20's (he was older by about five years). Less than five years into the marriage, the whole thing was over. He fell into a depression over some things and was unwilling to try and pull himself out of it, or let her help him in any way. They tried counseling but he was uninterested when he bothered to show up, which was only once or twice. For a year, she tried to get ish back on track and be there for him and love him out of the hole he was in but it just didn't work. The disconnect led to the revelation that they'd been having problems even before his depression and they just weren't in love anymore. They divorced and months later he realized what he'd lost and tried to get her back, but she'd moved on emotionally. I'm worried these two friends of mine are heading towards a similar fate. But I really hope that's not the case...

Break Your Neck This Christmas Season, Fa La La La La, La La La La

The conversation as relayed by my cousin, who is already home enjoying all of that Christmas cheer.

Aunt: One of these days he's going to break his neck messing with some stupid decoration or another. And if your father falls off the roof this year, I'm going to leave him there to rot.
Cousin: You've said that the last three years...
Aunt: Well, he hasn't fallen yet. And the waiting is exhausting.
Cousin: LMAO. Uh...rooting for you, ma. This year is the year!
Aunt: lol I hope so. 2014's jackass with a broken neck is 2015's gory Halloween decoration.

I can't wait to get home to these freaks this weekend.

Key Party

Friend: Don't forget you have to wear an ugly sweater to this party.
Me: I don't own an ugly sweater.
Friend: You can make one.
Me: I don't wanna make an ugly sweater.
Friend: Fine, then just wear a sweater so you don't look like a total nerd.
Me: I don't own a sweater.
Friend: Okay smartass,..then why don't you just show up in Magic Mike chaps and an open leather vest and show off your assets. 
Me: I'll buy a sweater.
Friend: LOL. Well, there goes the holiday cheer I promised all the ladies at the party.
Me: lol I knew it. I wasn't a guest, I was the entertainment.
Friend: lol Can't blame a girl for trying. Do you really not own a sweater?
Me: No ma'am. I don't like long sleeves in general but sweaters are too constricting.
Friend: Huh. So if I let you wear short sleeves to the party...where do you stand on a Speedo?
Me: LOL. I'll buy a sweater AND pants.
Friend: lol Damn. Okay, what about sex with strangers?
Me: ...Are you trying to hire me as a prostitute for your party?
Friend: No. I mean, not if that offends you.
Me: LMAO. I might not wanna go now...
Friend: LOL. Oh, it'll be fine. Just ignore the jar of condoms on the table and make sure to throw your keys in the bowl.
Me: LOL. Well, I don't wanna be an ungracious guest so I will comply.

White Lines

Y: Ugh, I'm so over this pressure to plan a wedding.
Me: *points and laughs*
Y: Shut up! You're coming along for the ride as Man of Honor. You're basically my bitch.
Me: lol And that differs from the first 33 years of our friendship...how?
Y: lol Good point. And now his family wants all this random stuff.
Me: Like what?
Y: Like white people stuff. OMG! There are going to be embarrassing white people dancing at my wedding!! Ugh. I hate white people.
Me: LOL. First off, I've never heard anyone use the phrase "white people" so much in one text. Second, you're half white and your fiance is Swedish...it don't get much whiter than that. So consider this yo letta of acceptance.
Y: LMAO. I don't take orders from "The Man", sir!
Me: lol If I were "The Man", life would be a whole lot more fun to live for those in my jurisdiction.
Y: Oh yeah, I can see it now. Casual Thursdays and naked Fridays, but only women and not guys.
Me: Correction: Naked Fridays, but only for brunette women and not for white guys. I gotchu, baby!
Y: LOL. You so good to me, sweet cheeks.
Me: And when you anger me, ONLY white guys naked on Fridays.
Y: You suck. You can't come to the wedding.
Me: I don't wanna come to your wedding anyway. There's gonna be a bunch of awkward white folks doing the Electric Slide or some ish.
Y: LMAO. Bitch.
Me: IT'S ELECTRIC!

Color Blind

If you know me, you know that I'm a devout viewer of TLC's 90 Day Fiance. But this season doesn't have the ooomph that the first one did. It follows too many couples (six, instead of four) and every one of them is ignoring some kind of glaring red flag as they prepare to skip down the aisle. The couples in the first season at least seemed to know each other on a basic level and had worked out most of the logistics of being a couple before getting hitched. This season's couples are all hot messes, most of them throwing up blinders when it comes to the fact that their foreign fiance is either playing them or is a complete and total bitch. I could go on for hours about the issues with these peeps, but this post is about one couple in particular.
Danny is the whitest of white boys from middle of nowhere Pennsylvania. He is the youngest of seven children, all of whom are annoying as hell. Danny pings the Gaydar of a lot of my fellow viewers. He likes tight clothing and he has a questionable haircut and he doesn't seem comfortable in much of any situation. While on a trip to Australia, Danny met Amy, who is originally from South Africa. They struck up a friendship that eventually turned into a romantic relationship and led them to obtain a fiance visa. Amy is beautiful, sweet and overall just too good for Danny and his annoying family. When he picks her up at the airport, in the dead of night, they barely speak or interact at all as she's driven to his brother's farm, 40 minutes from civilization. Danny and Amy have decided to abstain from anything more than quick pecks, so she's going to live in his brother's attic until they get married. Not being able to live under the same roof with your fiance that you're not having sex with seems to be a recurring theme on this show and it's the oddest ish. I don't know what kind of reasoning is behind thinking someone is better off in a house of strangers than in a room down the hall, but I digress. Danny leaves Amy that night without any clear indication of when they're going to see each other again, and because of the late hour, she doesn't even meet his brother and sister-in-law until the next morning when the brother bangs on her door and enters without permission. He then proceeds to say to her face, "Wow, you really are tan! Say something in African". Amy handles his idiocy with more grace than most, but you can see the shock and annoyance on her face. Danny's brother also seems to think it's funny to invade the one date night they have, squeezing in between them on the couch solely to remind them they can't have sex. Just days after her arrival, and having spent next to no time with her fiance, Amy is whisked off to a dinner with all of Danny's siblings and their significant others. Yet again, his family leads with ignorance, assuming she must be from some mud hut village in South Africa and asking her to, "Speak African". Not surprisingly, Danny does not say anything to put a stop to any of this and Amy is left out on her own to deal with it all. Oh, and there's one more thing - Danny's dad is a racist. He doesn't call him that though, of course. Instead, he tells Amy his dad "lives in Texas so he doesn't have a lot of experience with interracial marriage", and he isn't a fan of the practice. Danny reassures Amy that no matter what his dad thinks of them, he is still going to marry her and just days before the wedding, they set off to Texas to meet the parents.
Danny's dad just looks like one of those Republican mofos who would be bitching about keeping his guns and calling Obama's birthplace into question. He's an older man in a plaid shirt with glasses and an instantly sour disposition upon seeing his son and future daughter-in-law walk in. Danny's mom gives Amy a hug and welcomes her to the family and is as gracious as one should be. But then they sit down to meet dad (who never gets up from his chair, not even to greet Amy) and he asks where Amy is from and she tells them a bit about South Africa, emphasizing how beautiful it is (especially compared to bumfuck Pennsylvania), to which his dad says, "That's not somewhere that, uh...we'd ever want to visit" (his loss, South Africa is gorgeous). Dad quickly turns his attention to asking if they were fully prepared for an interracial marriage and proceeds to tell Amy that it's "not something that's accepted" in the U.S. Amy has previously said she's not sure of U.S. customs and what's acceptable, having come from a country where apartheid was the norm and Danny's dad exploits that uncertainty for all its worth. Displeased that Amy's relatives (most of them Black) are flying in for the wedding, he emphasizes to them both that it isn't too late to call the whole thing off. after some awkward silence, Danny and Amy hit the road and head back to Pennsylvania, still with the intent to marry in a few days.
Oh, where to begin. The obvious statement is that Danny's dad is an ignorant prick who couldn't have been ruder to Amy. This girl is in love with your son and has given up the only life she's ever known to be with him. She's in a new country and with no friends or support system other than her new family (unfortunately). Second, it was awful to mislead her by telling her we don't accept interracial marriage, the same way it was wrong for Danny to try and explain away his father's racism by saying he lives in Texas. A real man would've gone in there and said, "Look, I fell in love with this amazing girl from South Africa, yes she's Black and color doesn't matter to either of us and we're gonna get married, end of discussion.". But Danny made a million excuses for his dumbass family, as if they live in the fucking Ozarks or some shit and don't know it's not the 1960's anymore. "Are you ready for the challenges of an interracial marriage?" was a question the couple were asked. Having dated every color and nationality under the sun, having a daughter who is bi-racial and being a product of an interracial marriage that persevered long before it was even kind of acceptable, I can tell you that there are indeed challenges to marrying someone of a different color. But not the kind that his father tried to pass off, like they would be pointed and laughed at and possibly worse just for being in a damn Target together. Sadly, there are still a lot of people who view things as Danny's father, but most of us don't see color. I can't imagine what it was like for my grandparents back in the 50's when race was a huge thing and the civil rights movement was years away. And I hope things are much different when Miss N finds her lobster. Good luck to Amy and her new in-laws...