Thursday night, I went to a holiday party at my friend T's place and ran into the youngin. I've known T since college and we both know a lotta people from a lotta places, but I couldn't figure out how she could possibly know the youngin since they never crossed paths during our time together. As it turns out, the youngin is dating a medical student who works with T's brother, an intern. Talk about it being a small world. Friday morning, I flew home for the holidays and whilst waiting for my bags I heard, "Hey stranger!". That would be K, an ex I had a not so great break-up with eons ago. Our run in was less WTF than the one with the youngin because K's dad is from my homestate and I know she comes back for all major holidays. K and I had an interesting time together way back when. She was just out of a divorce and had a young son when we started dating. We were both on vacation in Vegas and hung out for a week, then continued to sort of date, the situation made more difficult by the fact that we lived on two different coasts. We saw each other as much as possible, but I never considered us as going steady or anything because I knew I wasn't the only one she was seeing. I'd go days without hearing from her and then things would pick up again, on and off it went. I asked on a few occasions who the other guys were, but she always changed the subject and wouldn't admit there were others. I tired of the on/off nature of the whole thing and called it off and that's when she seemed to take an interest in my activities and who I was with. It got ugly and we didn't speak again until early this year when she reached out to congratulate me on something. She was newly single at that time and insinuated that we should maybe hang out but I declined the invitation. At the airport, she suggested we grab a drink and I agreed.
I find that when I reconnect with an ex who I either didn't treat very well or blindsided with my decision to walk away, there's a point where it becomes open season on asking every question either side had about why it ended up the way it did. And this is usually tremendously helpful on a lot of levels. K and I shot the breeze and talked about the relationship she'd ended earlier this year and she said something about how all of the magic and wonder had gone out of it. The fights had built up and taken their toll on both of them, so much so that when she floated the idea of calling it quits, he put up absolutely no defense. She remembered how great things had been between them in the beginning, how she'd considered spending her life with the dude. And then it all just stopped and they were strangers and it was over. This all sounded so familiar to me. I told her I was involved with someone who did the same thing she used to, go MIA when it suited her and make no effort to change. I asked why she did that and confirmed that she was with other guys during those times. I told her I didn't think BP was ever with someone else, but the behavior was maddening all the same. I mentioned that we also had some nasty arguments and that she never was interested in getting them squared away and getting to a decent place. Taking all of this in, K said, "Well...maybe she just wasn't into you anymore. It was familiar and that's why you both hung on.". And it's like a light bulb went on in my head. I remember towards the end of our association, I asked BP what she even got out of keeping me on the line but refusing to actually deal with shit and her answer told me all I needed to know, "Bc I'm curious". She tried to say she was curious about "what we could be", but I don't think that's what she meant. She enjoyed screwing with my head because up until that point, she'd been on the receiving end of that shit from her mother and brother. It was a chance to turn the tables and take back her power in some weird, dysfunctional way. I tell ya, the more time that goes by, the more I realize how lucky I was to get out of that shit when I did.
