Only Know You Love Her When You Let Her Go

Life is funny...back in the dark ages, I would've been the one that everyone was worried about and wanted to slap because I was doing something stupid. But my how the tables have turned. My cousin is determined to make a decision so stupid that if it were possible, I'd fly back east and slap him my damn self. I'm a little surprised at his decision making lately. He's been one of the most even keeled people I've ever known up until the last few years or so. Back in 2013, he met AK, and she quickly became one of my most favorite people on the planet. She's hilarious, she's inappropriate, she's just my kinda people, and the family's kinda people. Her best friend is dating one of his close friends and she decided to introduce AK and the cousin. It was a slow burn, to say the least. He was coming off that ridiculousness with his ex and trying to make sense of her turning around and marrying some other fool five minutes later. Eventually they did start dating casually but then it abruptly ended for about six months. They got back together last year and for awhile things seemed great. But he started to become somewhat...distant, I guess. You could tell she adored him and was hoping things would work out between them, but they were apart a lot for work and he claimed that was the reason things weren't going smoothly. So she started making an effort to go along with him on work trips and bring him with her whenever possible. But nothing changed. Normally, I would be one of the people he'd talk to about whatever is going on but he's isolated himself from a lot of us lately in favor of work. Word slowly started to make its way through the family that he may be seeing someone else on the side, but I wasn't sure I believed it. Then, my bro-in-law sent a text that changed everything.
AM is the cousin's high school sweetheart. They met when they were 15 and dated until they were about 20. She went overseas for college and he stayed in the States and it became too difficult to maintain a relationship so they amicably split. He dated someone else for a few years, then met the beast from hell that was his girlfriend for the next 7 years. Early in that relationship, it was apparent that she was VERY jealous of the friendship he maintained with AM. In fact, while he and the beast were in conflict after only about a year together, he went out with a group of friends that included AM purely so he could flaunt the friendship to the beast. Once they reunited, she made it clear that he wasn't to keep in touch with AM, which we all found ridiculous but the cousin went along with it. A few years later, and out of nowhere, AM got married and invited him and a few other family members to the wedding. He declined, and never told the beast about the invite, but was obviously taken aback by the announcement. They didn't speak for years after she got married, during which time he and the beast had a nasty breakup. One night in '13, drunk and upset, he called AM and said he wanted to talk and she came out to pick him up and make sure he was okay. Apparently, he professed his love and she told him he was drunk and upset and he'd get over it and take care. As far as I know, they have not spoken since.
My bro-in-law's text yesterday informed me that AM is in the process of getting a divorce from her husband and the cousin, though still in a relationship with AK, is seriously considering asking AM to give their relationship another shot. He seems to believe she's his one that got away and that they're older and (in theory) wiser now and can make it work this time. I mean...the headlines write themselves here, kids. You want to leave someone who loves you and who you told me over the holidays you would seriously consider wifing for someone you haven't even really known for a decade and who is about thirty seconds removed from a marriage? Cuz that has 'good life choice' written all over it. At the end of the day, he and AM are acquaintances. Yes, they dated way back when, during the most formative of their years, but they're both 31 now and a lot of change has happened since. There's a very good chance they're not even compatible anymore. Not to mention, it is sometimes the person we consider our one that got away who we randomly turn to when ish hits the fan. Don't you think she might've reached out to you when she knew it was ending, the way you reached out to her during a rough time way back when? Also, this fool needs to think about whether it's really, really worth it to let AK go. I admit, I didn't see much of a match when I first met her but after seeing then together for a few years, I think she's really good for him. She brings him out of his shell. Yes, we would all be devastated if he chose to end it and she left the family (we sound like the mob in that sentence, but we're slightly less violent than that). But it's not just our feelings about her leaving that are making everyone scratch their heads about his considering ending it for such a ridiculous reason. I really hope he does the right thing...

Thanks For The Mammaries

In honor of Agent W's "21st" birthday today:

Thursday

I put together an elliptical machine on Wednesday night and got hit in the head by it the next morning (thanks, Y). I sent a picture to Agent W of the machine and she asked me where one is supposed to sit on it.

W: I was just staring at your machine and finally made out the pedals.
Me: BUT can you find the seat?
W: Ha. Ha.
Me: Well, I think I'm funny. Especially for a handicapped person.
W: You also might have a concussion sooooo.....
W: And yet, I have no excuse lol
Me: LOL. I love when you do the work for me.
Me: "Oh yeah??? Well, I'm slow just cuz so there!"
W: LOL Yes sir, you are welcome.
W: Sure showed you.
Me: lol Damn right you did.

=========================

Friday

Agent W posted a picture to Facebook of a...um...I guess pastry her mother had put candles on and presented to her as a birthday offering. The thing is, her birthday wasn't on Friday. And the pastry looked like a breast, complete with nipple.

Me: LOL. I'm glad Mama B remembers the important things. Like your correct date of birth.
W: LOL Right?
W: I look at her, "I'm no expert, ma...but you were there, right?"
Me: lol And then she brings you some random bun.
W: Yep, a bun that looks like a tit.
Me: Well, she did shover her mammaries in your face 30 years ago. Maybe the bun was for old times sake.
W: "Flashback Friday for what you drank dry".
W: Mom said she was hoping the candles would hide the nipple.
Me: lol Now there's a sentence you don't hear everyday.
W: LOL I just re-read the sentence.
Me: I don't which part of it was better. Your mom trying to hide a nipple or her thinking candles were the way to go.
W: LMAO

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGENT W!

I Heart Me (Finally)

K and I, the ex I reconnected with late last year, have been doing pretty well in building a friendship. You know those people that you can have hours long conversations with about the universe and religion and spirituality with? She's one of those. Sometimes when we get into those convos, I wonder if our time together was incomplete but then I realize why it ended and snap back into reality. Still, I appreciate our convos immensely and they led me to another realization. I have a tendency to fall for girls who are either hot and a hot mess, or girls who are hot and deep (apparently hot is non-negotiable). Occasionally, a few of them fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, but usually it's one or the other. In my younger years, I didn't really mind the drama because it's not like I wasn't bringing some myself. But even then, I noticed that I tried more for the ones I felt a real connection to, which were often the ones who were deep. I'm a huge fan of open-minded people, and it comes in especially handy in a relationship. Looks fade, so it's important that there's much more than that in common with the person you spend your life with.

Back when we dated, K and I had a few philosophical discussions but not many on religion or faith since I didn't really have either at the time. Her parents are very open-minded, spiritual peeps and that's something she's applied in her own life, though she stops short of declaring herself a member of any religion. We both meditate everyday are constantly striving to become better versions of ourselves. She reminded me that when we were together, we were both kind of wanderers but she had a better grasp on who she was than I did on who I was. One night she asked me if I liked myself and I made jokes about it and brushed it off so she dropped the subject, but not before dropping some knowledge and telling me, quite prophetically as it turns out, I'd never be successful in a relationship until I learned to love myself. It sounds cheesy, right? Or like your ego must be massive if you love you. But it's true. And she was right, I went through all kinds of relationships but there was always something missing. I'd chalk it up as something I didn't like about the woman or some impossible divide between what we wanted down the line, but really what was missing was that I didn't take care of or love myself enough. That's why nothing ever worked out.
As the best friend gets closer to beginning preparations for her wedding, I find myself in this space of wanting to be where she is. Not necessarily getting married, I am still me after all, but just in something stable and happy and...content. I've had stable and happy before, but never that contentment. Sometimes I wonder if that's just what's destined for me. Other times I think the restlessness from my past has poisoned the well of the future. I'm not someone who needs a relationship, I can be perfectly happy single and I am right now. I'd rather be alone and happy than be in something that wasn't 100% fulfilling and didn't make me want to be a better person. But I wouldn't say no to something if it made me happy and was really good. I feel like I'm at that point where I can devote everything to a relationship because of the changes I've made in the last year. I'm a better man now than I was a year ago and, also thanks to the last year, I'm very aware of what my worth is and what I can and cannot tolerate in a relationship. But for now, family and friends are enough for me. I feel like a college player waiting on draft day to see where he ends up. And I'm okay with that.

Ride It

Me: I just heard the best hooker name ever.
Me: Carousel. Because everyone gets a ride.
W: That is a good one. I almost want to change my name to Carousel...it just sounds pretty.
W: Go ahead. Judge.
Me: I will support you by getting you a bumper sticker that says, "Everyone gets a ride".
W: 'Magine how much more legit BJ will sound with Carousel Bermudez as one of the founders.
Me: LMAO. I hadn't put it with your last name yet.
W: lol AND Giuseppe Carrasco!
Me: I sound sub-par. I need a hooker name now.
W: Hmmm...I'd just call you Cinnabon. Cuz a girl is left sticky and full of regret.
Me: LOL. I don't know if I should slap you or commend you for your fine work, my friend.
W: LOL. I'm sure you'll find a way to do both.
W: "Carousel and Cinnabon" should be a buddy sitcom.
Me: Cinnabon Carrasco. My bidness cards can say, "I'm all about that glaze, bout that glaze and love Fruity Pebbles".
W: LOL. "Hey guuuurl, want some of this love frosting?"
Me: Fonz bless Carousel for inspiring this conversation.

And The Truth Is We Don't Know About How Or Why Or Where Or When We Go

In a few months, Miss N will be turning 7 and I will be turning 34. I'm having a harder time wrapping my head around my daughter being 7 than I am about being 34. I think that's because I don't feel 34. Hell, I don't even feel like I'm in my 30's most of the time (fortunately my body slaps my dainty ass back into line by saying, "Nah, son, you're not young enough to do that kinda physical activity anymore".). I think people place too much emphasis on age. For years, you're supposedly too young to know things, then you cross the line into being too old to learn new things or change your ways. And then we die. Well, that last part was morbid but you get the point. I firmly believe we're only as old as we feel and I'm feeling younger than my 33 3/4 years. Admittedly, I enjoy poking fun at the ages of others (who doesn't?) but have found that I'm surprisingly unaffected when people try to make fun of mine. I mean, I did threaten to throw the teenager (who graduates from COLLEGE this year, btw. So freakin' proud.) out onto the street if she called me, "Old man" one more time. But aside from that, all the age comments just roll right off me. Yeah, I'm about to be 34. And you know what? I'm glad to have the opportunity. This year marks 13 since I almost bit the dust, 13 years since I was given Last Rites and my family was told to say their goodbyes. And here I am still hanging around after all this time. I've always been told how lucky I am to have come through all of that but rarely does it occur to me just how lucky I really am. I think this year will be the one I do everything I've ever wanted to but have been putting off. No time like the present, right?

U-G-L-Y, You Ain't Got No Alibi

I just...I don't even have words.

Y: I ran into [college acquaintance] last night. She hasn't even aged a day. Bitch.
G: That's because she's black.
Me: ...Holy racism, Batman!
G: lol It's not racist. Everyone knows people o' color, including you and I and our Latin tiger blood, age better than white folks. That's why you still look like fucking Benjamin Button at 25 and I don't have a wrinkle to speak of. Sorry, Y.
Y: What do you mean, 'sorry'? It's not like I look my age either.
G: But you're white. So time will catch up with and then proceed to beat you.
[This is where I sipped my coffee anxiously and looked anywhere but at these two fools as I anticipated her to lunge across the table and kick his ageless ass.]
Y: Uh, HALF-white. Meaning there's that whole other half that won't age. Bastard.
G: Or the white power is so strong that it overtakes the color. And BAM, you age horribly and you all ugly.
Y: You know what? I hope I age horribly so I can hop in my DeLoreon, come back to this moment in time and whoop your ass before proceeding to age fabulously.
G: ...So you hope you age badly so you can age badly is what I'm hearing...because DeLoreon's don't exist.
Y: Shut up.
Me: ...So...I hear hoverboards will be out by the end of the year, that's kinda neat.
Y: And fuck you too for not aging!

I just cannot win with the ladies today, ya'll.

Wait Til Your Father Gets Home

Last night I had it out with my brother in rather spectacular fashion. He's always had a habit of blaming me for every little thing that's gone wrong in his life. I don't know why this is but it's almost a guarantee that when ish hits the fan in his life, he's going to somehow find a way to make it my fault. This used to bother me, but it hasn't for some time now. I'm not his keeper, I'm not his life coach, the mistakes he's made are his own and most have nothing to do with me. The center of his rage on this occasion was his oldest son, Mr L, coming to me to talk about something and then declining his father's invitation to also speak to him about it. And it came on the heels of his daughter, Miss M, being glued to my side throughout the holidays which annoyed him for some reason. He launched into a tirade about how his kids don't respect him or come to him with anything and that's all my fault. Why my fault, you ask? Because I was there for his kids when he wasn't and have always been there for them when needed, I'd guess. I'm pretty much numb to his tantrums anymore so I just listened, interjected when only absolutely necessary and cut off the convo when he started to get flat out mean.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the, "you screwed up your life and now you want my kids" routine and it's just ridiculous now. I didn't screw up my life in the slightest. I went through some tough times, but now I'm happy and I have a beautiful daughter of my own. The irony here is that he also went through a dark period, but did so while he was already a husband a father. I was flying solo during the dark ages and mostly only hurting my own damn self. So tell me again who screwed up their life? This dude had everything going for him over a decade ago; girlfriend who adored him, scholarship to the school he wanted to go to, bright future ahead. Even after they got pregnant, he still had a bright future ahead, it was just going to be a little harder to achieve it. But it's almost like a part of him tuned out of the program after the pregnancy news because his career ambitions took precedence over taking care of the family he'd created. Many would say, "Well, he was 19". So were my sister and her then-boyfriend and they both realized they now had to be grown ups and did just that. I'm incredibly close to their children too, but they don't come around bitching and moaning about it because they know that at the end of the day, they are good parents who are there for the kids. If my brother had actually made some kind of major permanent change and devoted himself to fatherhood and family, he could've turned the whole thing around. Instead, he promised he'd be better at ish, convinced his wife they should have another kid (you know, one he would actually be there for long after he created it) and then did a complete 180 in less than a year.

To the brothers' credit, he has been there for his youngest child, but in a way that's not exactly healthy for the family as a whole. He obviously favors the baby, likely because it's the only kid who he actually cared for right after birth. When Mr L was born, he was around for the birth but had baseball practice later in the day and never thought twice about missing it. I couldn't believe he left the sister-in-law to basically fend for herself with a newborn. Knowing what my sister had gone through with her daughter a few years earlier, I was aware that babies are very much a five person job and I missed a week and a half of classes to help with Mr L. My brother dipped in and out of helping but was mostly absent, not a diaper change or a late night feeding to speak of. In fact, he spent most of his nights at my place because he "needed to rest" for one thing or another. When it became clear this was as good as it was going to get, my girlfriend (and first love) suggested the four of us share one roof to make it easier to care for the baby. It turned out to be a very good idea, considering the brother still showed little interest in his own kid. The girlfriend said that one day he'd realize what a dick he was being and lament what he missed out on in the early days of fatherhood. When we heard Miss M was on the way (by this time, all of us co-existing under one roof on the opposite coast of where we'd been with Mr L), those words echoed in my head and I'd hoped he was about to see the light. But he didn't. Not even close. He chose to make a big deal out of how pregnancy was not even supposed to be an option because he'd secretly gotten himself snipped and then he continued on in his dark phase, this time not even bothering to check in on how his wife and unborn child were doing. I was there for all nine and half (sometimes torturous) months of the sister-in-law's pregnancy. (I say torturous because Miss M and her mother sharing a body was not good for humanity as a whole - mom was always cranky and demanding as hell and baby made her eat everything in creation.) I was there when Miss M was born, I was there for all of the late nights and just about every first she ever had to this point. The same way I was there for all of Mr L's firsts and late nights. Those first three years are crucial and I was there for all of those years, while their father was off doing what he deemed to be more important things. And over a decade later, he's bitching about how terrible I am for all that? Please. I have no sympathy for those who create their own drama and that's all this was.

I reached out to a couple of friends last night to talk through all of this because, for just a minute, I felt some guilt. But they were quick to point out that I didn't do anything wrong and in fact went well beyond what I could've to make sure the kids were okay the sister-in-law wasn't overwhelmed. The brother had two choices when he learned he was going to become a father - man up and be an actual father or continue on with life as he knew it. He chose the latter option and these are the consequences of that. I adore all of my nieces and nephews but it's never been a mystery as to why Mr L, Miss M and I are so close. They shouldn't feel bad about that and neither should I. I'd readily drop everything again if either of those kids needed anything. Of course I hope my brother gets his ish together and decides to parent all three of his kids. But the way incidents like this flare up so easily makes me think that will never be a reality. And I wouldn't care if his jackassery were only affecting him, but it's also affecting everyone else, especially his kids. How do you think it makes Mr L and Miss M feel to see the father who's never been there for them offer up himself and his time to their younger sibling who entered the picture about five minutes after he came back into their lives full-time? I'd venture to guess it makes them feel exactly the same way he did when he found out our own father was actually a father to his other kids right up until his death. I guess some cycles are just meant to repeat, sadly.

You Can't Fix Stupid...And Some Men Are Really Stupid

HAPPY 2015! I hope you and yours had a wonderful holiday season and aren't terribly hung over from last night's festivities. If you're like me, your tongue and vocal cords are still on fiyah after having taken a shot of the devil's liquor last night, which contained chile, tequila and (supposedly) chocolate. Early in the evening, T brought up the harassment she got from her family over the Christmas holiday over not yet being married. Her grandmother, very old school Indian, told her the reason she's not hitched is because she doesn't know how to keep a man (isn't family fun?). When asked how exactly one goes about keeping a man, grandma didn't have an answer. But she was still sure T was the problem and not the copious amount of men who aren't relationship material. Eventually, someone else in our party brought up a book they read about that is being pitched as a "dating guide". It's penned by several men (there's your first clue as to how stupid it'll likely be) in various states of their lives; single, engaged, married, divorced, and the aim is to tell ya'll ladies how to land a man and keep him. The book isn't out yet, there's only a website and excerpts from interviews with the authors. And it's almost all ridiculous. Not even like, "Oh wow, that's bad advice" kinda ridiculous but, "No wonder women stay single, men are idiots" ridiculous.
Where to begin? All of these fools insist that every man wants to get married and those who deny it are "lying". Um...I don't and I can assure you I'm not lying when I say as much. In fact, I know of several dudes who don't want to get hitched and are dead serious about it. I've heard this same thing before but it's usually women who are said to all want to get married, no matter how much they deny it. Marriage isn't for everybody and claiming all people secretly want it is like saying everybody on earth likes mustard. A lot of people like mustard, but if someone says they don't then they don't and that's it. You don't go in on that person and demand they confess that they secretly love mustard. Another "tip" in the book is that women should always, always cater to their men in any and every way possible because, "When he gets his ego stroked, he will be more inclined to love you more". Seriously? I was not aware that how much you love a woman was influenced by how much she stroked your ego. And I certainly wouldn't love a woman more if she was hovering over me all the damn time cooking every meal and tending to me like a child. It's absurd to suggest a woman should drop everything and give a dude whatever he needs, regardless of the affect on her, or that she should go so far out of her way to try and "keep" you. Almost everything in the preview of this book was total crap that screamed "mommy issues". These dudes want a cross between a 1950's housewife and their own mothers, a super-obedient chick who sees them as the center of the universe no matter what (I can't imagine why one of the authors is divorced!). I think dating advice books in general are crap since no one things works for everybody. You love who you love and it lasts if you work at it on a daily basis. Furthermore, the idea that women have to do all the work to keep ish afloat is laughable. Both sexes are equally capable of taking something for granted and screwing it up, or working hard at it and making it last. It takes two to make a thing go right, as they say (or as Rob Bass said in the 90's anyway). I genuinely hope no one is stupid enough to take the "advice" in this book.