I Heart Me (Finally)

K and I, the ex I reconnected with late last year, have been doing pretty well in building a friendship. You know those people that you can have hours long conversations with about the universe and religion and spirituality with? She's one of those. Sometimes when we get into those convos, I wonder if our time together was incomplete but then I realize why it ended and snap back into reality. Still, I appreciate our convos immensely and they led me to another realization. I have a tendency to fall for girls who are either hot and a hot mess, or girls who are hot and deep (apparently hot is non-negotiable). Occasionally, a few of them fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, but usually it's one or the other. In my younger years, I didn't really mind the drama because it's not like I wasn't bringing some myself. But even then, I noticed that I tried more for the ones I felt a real connection to, which were often the ones who were deep. I'm a huge fan of open-minded people, and it comes in especially handy in a relationship. Looks fade, so it's important that there's much more than that in common with the person you spend your life with.

Back when we dated, K and I had a few philosophical discussions but not many on religion or faith since I didn't really have either at the time. Her parents are very open-minded, spiritual peeps and that's something she's applied in her own life, though she stops short of declaring herself a member of any religion. We both meditate everyday are constantly striving to become better versions of ourselves. She reminded me that when we were together, we were both kind of wanderers but she had a better grasp on who she was than I did on who I was. One night she asked me if I liked myself and I made jokes about it and brushed it off so she dropped the subject, but not before dropping some knowledge and telling me, quite prophetically as it turns out, I'd never be successful in a relationship until I learned to love myself. It sounds cheesy, right? Or like your ego must be massive if you love you. But it's true. And she was right, I went through all kinds of relationships but there was always something missing. I'd chalk it up as something I didn't like about the woman or some impossible divide between what we wanted down the line, but really what was missing was that I didn't take care of or love myself enough. That's why nothing ever worked out.
As the best friend gets closer to beginning preparations for her wedding, I find myself in this space of wanting to be where she is. Not necessarily getting married, I am still me after all, but just in something stable and happy and...content. I've had stable and happy before, but never that contentment. Sometimes I wonder if that's just what's destined for me. Other times I think the restlessness from my past has poisoned the well of the future. I'm not someone who needs a relationship, I can be perfectly happy single and I am right now. I'd rather be alone and happy than be in something that wasn't 100% fulfilling and didn't make me want to be a better person. But I wouldn't say no to something if it made me happy and was really good. I feel like I'm at that point where I can devote everything to a relationship because of the changes I've made in the last year. I'm a better man now than I was a year ago and, also thanks to the last year, I'm very aware of what my worth is and what I can and cannot tolerate in a relationship. But for now, family and friends are enough for me. I feel like a college player waiting on draft day to see where he ends up. And I'm okay with that.