I can't tell you how many times I've heard the, "you screwed up your life and now you want my kids" routine and it's just ridiculous now. I didn't screw up my life in the slightest. I went through some tough times, but now I'm happy and I have a beautiful daughter of my own. The irony here is that he also went through a dark period, but did so while he was already a husband a father. I was flying solo during the dark ages and mostly only hurting my own damn self. So tell me again who screwed up their life? This dude had everything going for him over a decade ago; girlfriend who adored him, scholarship to the school he wanted to go to, bright future ahead. Even after they got pregnant, he still had a bright future ahead, it was just going to be a little harder to achieve it. But it's almost like a part of him tuned out of the program after the pregnancy news because his career ambitions took precedence over taking care of the family he'd created. Many would say, "Well, he was 19". So were my sister and her then-boyfriend and they both realized they now had to be grown ups and did just that. I'm incredibly close to their children too, but they don't come around bitching and moaning about it because they know that at the end of the day, they are good parents who are there for the kids. If my brother had actually made some kind of major permanent change and devoted himself to fatherhood and family, he could've turned the whole thing around. Instead, he promised he'd be better at ish, convinced his wife they should have another kid (you know, one he would actually be there for long after he created it) and then did a complete 180 in less than a year.
To the brothers' credit, he has been there for his youngest child, but in a way that's not exactly healthy for the family as a whole. He obviously favors the baby, likely because it's the only kid who he actually cared for right after birth. When Mr L was born, he was around for the birth but had baseball practice later in the day and never thought twice about missing it. I couldn't believe he left the sister-in-law to basically fend for herself with a newborn. Knowing what my sister had gone through with her daughter a few years earlier, I was aware that babies are very much a five person job and I missed a week and a half of classes to help with Mr L. My brother dipped in and out of helping but was mostly absent, not a diaper change or a late night feeding to speak of. In fact, he spent most of his nights at my place because he "needed to rest" for one thing or another. When it became clear this was as good as it was going to get, my girlfriend (and first love) suggested the four of us share one roof to make it easier to care for the baby. It turned out to be a very good idea, considering the brother still showed little interest in his own kid. The girlfriend said that one day he'd realize what a dick he was being and lament what he missed out on in the early days of fatherhood. When we heard Miss M was on the way (by this time, all of us co-existing under one roof on the opposite coast of where we'd been with Mr L), those words echoed in my head and I'd hoped he was about to see the light. But he didn't. Not even close. He chose to make a big deal out of how pregnancy was not even supposed to be an option because he'd secretly gotten himself snipped and then he continued on in his dark phase, this time not even bothering to check in on how his wife and unborn child were doing. I was there for all nine and half (sometimes torturous) months of the sister-in-law's pregnancy. (I say torturous because Miss M and her mother sharing a body was not good for humanity as a whole - mom was always cranky and demanding as hell and baby made her eat everything in creation.) I was there when Miss M was born, I was there for all of the late nights and just about every first she ever had to this point. The same way I was there for all of Mr L's firsts and late nights. Those first three years are crucial and I was there for all of those years, while their father was off doing what he deemed to be more important things. And over a decade later, he's bitching about how terrible I am for all that? Please. I have no sympathy for those who create their own drama and that's all this was.
I reached out to a couple of friends last night to talk through all of this because, for just a minute, I felt some guilt. But they were quick to point out that I didn't do anything wrong and in fact went well beyond what I could've to make sure the kids were okay the sister-in-law wasn't overwhelmed. The brother had two choices when he learned he was going to become a father - man up and be an actual father or continue on with life as he knew it. He chose the latter option and these are the consequences of that. I adore all of my nieces and nephews but it's never been a mystery as to why Mr L, Miss M and I are so close. They shouldn't feel bad about that and neither should I. I'd readily drop everything again if either of those kids needed anything. Of course I hope my brother gets his ish together and decides to parent all three of his kids. But the way incidents like this flare up so easily makes me think that will never be a reality. And I wouldn't care if his jackassery were only affecting him, but it's also affecting everyone else, especially his kids. How do you think it makes Mr L and Miss M feel to see the father who's never been there for them offer up himself and his time to their younger sibling who entered the picture about five minutes after he came back into their lives full-time? I'd venture to guess it makes them feel exactly the same way he did when he found out our own father was actually a father to his other kids right up until his death. I guess some cycles are just meant to repeat, sadly.
