I hate change. I'm sure I've started a past blog with those words because change and I are mortal enemies. But I am able to commit to change when it's absolutely necessary. I've made a lot of changes in my life this year. I was stuck in many ruts as 2015 arrived, and I promised myself I would not get stuck in anymore. It sounds stupid and cheesy, but this has been the the year of learning to love myself. That's been...difficult for me, not just in the Dark Ages, but throughout my life. The older I get, and the older Miss N gets, the more I realize how important it is to learn to live with what you are. And I'm not as terrible as I used to believe I was. I'm highly critical of myself, always have been and probably always will be. And that's ok. I'm learning not to be so hard on myself. I'm learning that while parts of my past have been difficult, and may be difficult for future partners to accept, other parts were pretty darn good. I'm a decent dude, I think. Sure, I'm moody and I can be fickle and I can be a bastard sometimes. But I'm smart, and caring and extremely loyal to the people I love. And I'm ok with the good and bad parts of my personality. I don't love me yet, but I finally like and accept me as is and that's a big accomplishment.
I don't believe in New Year's resolutions because they set people up to fail. Yeah, it's easy to say we're gonna change our lives when we're high on Christmas cheer (literally and/or figuratively), but then we come down off that month-long high and the reality of everyday, not so jovial life sets in. Then it becomes, "I'll start that tomorrow...or Monday...or next month", until you fall off the wagon, or just never even board it. I didn't make meaningless resolutions for 2015, I made conscious decisions to improve myself and my life. The first decision was to recommit myself to my faith. I fell off the path a bit for awhile and it had a negative effect on my life. I went back to using a substance or two that I should be staying clear of and, regardless of the reasons for this, I knew and should know better (but if I'm being brutally honest here, I'd still be an occasional user of two of my bigger vices if I didn't have a kid and if the come down from the highs weren't such a bitch). I'm proud to say that I've gotten to a point where I meditate almost everyday, and study a few times a week. And it's helped tremendously. It's made me calmer. It may have taken me a long time to find what works for me, but better late than never, right? And it's helped with decision number two, which was to make sure my health stays on point. Aside from a nasty recurrence of that awful ear infection that kicked my dainty ass last year, I've been successful. I don't eat much junk food anymore and I try to run just about everyday. Sometimes running actually helps to clear my mind (don't get it twisted though, I still hate cardio with a damn passion).
Some change can be good. But some change is a bitch. And sometimes your head and your heart don't get the same memo about changes. I don't have the greatest of memories, but one very vivid memory I have is of the night I met G. She was gorgeous and fiery and every bit the smartass. I fell hard and I fell fast. And that was my downfall. I could never un-love her. I could never mentally shake my damn self and let go of the possibility of our ending up together. In my view, she was damn near perfect. Yeah, some of her family and I had our battles, and she could be maddeningly indecisive and occasionally high maintenance, but I adored her, flaws and all. And she loved and accepted all of me, which was wonderful to feel. The relationship was amazing, one of the few I've ever been in where I felt, "Yeah, I could spend the rest of my life here and be just fine". But she could never hardcore commit to that. She loved me and she wanted it to work, but something in her just wouldn't allow it to. It'd get too deep or too serious and she'd pull away. At first, this meant we'd just slow our roll but stay together, however it later meant that we'd break up for awhile, then reunite and do it all over again. Eventually, it became a case of being broken up and falling back into one another when we got tired of the dating scene. I know my friends thought I was always setting myself up to get hurt because we all knew it was temporary and no real reconciliation was on the way, but I knew full well what was going on. I knew that we'd fall into each other, I'd start falling for her again, and before she could do the same, she'd be out and we'd be living separate lives. Yes, it hurt, but I still couldn't pull away.
I don't believe in New Year's resolutions because they set people up to fail. Yeah, it's easy to say we're gonna change our lives when we're high on Christmas cheer (literally and/or figuratively), but then we come down off that month-long high and the reality of everyday, not so jovial life sets in. Then it becomes, "I'll start that tomorrow...or Monday...or next month", until you fall off the wagon, or just never even board it. I didn't make meaningless resolutions for 2015, I made conscious decisions to improve myself and my life. The first decision was to recommit myself to my faith. I fell off the path a bit for awhile and it had a negative effect on my life. I went back to using a substance or two that I should be staying clear of and, regardless of the reasons for this, I knew and should know better (but if I'm being brutally honest here, I'd still be an occasional user of two of my bigger vices if I didn't have a kid and if the come down from the highs weren't such a bitch). I'm proud to say that I've gotten to a point where I meditate almost everyday, and study a few times a week. And it's helped tremendously. It's made me calmer. It may have taken me a long time to find what works for me, but better late than never, right? And it's helped with decision number two, which was to make sure my health stays on point. Aside from a nasty recurrence of that awful ear infection that kicked my dainty ass last year, I've been successful. I don't eat much junk food anymore and I try to run just about everyday. Sometimes running actually helps to clear my mind (don't get it twisted though, I still hate cardio with a damn passion).
Some change can be good. But some change is a bitch. And sometimes your head and your heart don't get the same memo about changes. I don't have the greatest of memories, but one very vivid memory I have is of the night I met G. She was gorgeous and fiery and every bit the smartass. I fell hard and I fell fast. And that was my downfall. I could never un-love her. I could never mentally shake my damn self and let go of the possibility of our ending up together. In my view, she was damn near perfect. Yeah, some of her family and I had our battles, and she could be maddeningly indecisive and occasionally high maintenance, but I adored her, flaws and all. And she loved and accepted all of me, which was wonderful to feel. The relationship was amazing, one of the few I've ever been in where I felt, "Yeah, I could spend the rest of my life here and be just fine". But she could never hardcore commit to that. She loved me and she wanted it to work, but something in her just wouldn't allow it to. It'd get too deep or too serious and she'd pull away. At first, this meant we'd just slow our roll but stay together, however it later meant that we'd break up for awhile, then reunite and do it all over again. Eventually, it became a case of being broken up and falling back into one another when we got tired of the dating scene. I know my friends thought I was always setting myself up to get hurt because we all knew it was temporary and no real reconciliation was on the way, but I knew full well what was going on. I knew that we'd fall into each other, I'd start falling for her again, and before she could do the same, she'd be out and we'd be living separate lives. Yes, it hurt, but I still couldn't pull away.
Officially, G and I have not been a couple for close to nine years, but there has been much hooking up with each other over those years. For that reason, we've both felt that the other is there should we need emotional support of some kind, though we've rarely used each other for that. Last year, some stuff went down between us that ended up being cataclysmic and ending whatever was lingering between us. We didn't speak for months, and that was my choice. But she did reach out earlier this year and, having just gone through something else that had provided no resolution and a somewhat abrupt ending, I felt guilty for having just cut her off last year. So we talked and it was...uncomfortable, given the circumstances of her pregnancy. But we hashed out some things and agreed that whatever happens down the line, happens, if anything does. We've rarely spoken since, but I heard through the grapevine that she gave birth to a son late last month and I felt...I don't know the word for it, really. I guess there could be many words for it. I haven't been in love with her for eons, but it's always difficult when someone you used to be head over heels for moves on with their life, be it with a new partner or with having a child. I struggled with it for a few days before Agent W suggested I write one of them there letters I'll never send to G. I did that in an effort to get over someone else and it worked wonders. I felt much better after writing that same letter to G. I finally let everything go, I think. My trouble in letting it all go was that that relationship was probably the only one I've ever been at my best in. And it totally had everything I could ever want in a relationship; we were best friends, we were accepting of each other's beliefs and pasts, we could talk about absolutely everything, from random ish that didn't matter, to deep conversations about history and philosophy. It was not perfect, but it was a damn good relationship between two imperfect souls. But that ship has since sailed. Hopefully, there will be another great relationship in my future. And even if there isn't, that one taught me so much about myself that I don't regret a single second of it and I genuinely wish her and the new little love of her life the best. They both deserve that and so much more.
