It's amazing the places your mind drifts off to when you call an end to your engagement. I was a mess during my own engagement and had no business attempting to get hitched as it was, so you can imagine where my head was at when it ended. In theory, it should be no different than any other relationship break-up. But it's not really like that. You wonder what you did wrong, then you blame the other person, then you think you'll never find anyone again, then you reason why you should go back and try again with the same person. And then you get wise. Y has been going through most of these motions the last week, having very recently ended her engagement with H. The point of our trip and time together is to try to accelerate her healing, though I've already cautioned her not to move so quickly through the stages of grief that she ends up not dealing with it at all. I'd worried she was glossing over the ending as a way of avoiding the inevitable breakdown over letting it go. But last night she finally hit bottom. And all I could do was listen and comfort and tell her, "Gurl, you ain't need no man" (well, except for me obviously). And that sucks. You never want anyone you love to be in pain, and I know she has to deal with it in her own time and on her own terms. But I wish I could do more. Hopefully, this is the beginning of her working everything out though.
One of the conversations Y and I have had over the course of this trip was about being old...er, and single. Y was married in her mid-20's, and I was engaged around the same time, yet here we are a decade later both single and, one of us, mingling. I don't mind that so much, but she had a freak out moment about being, "35 and single". Mind you, she just turned 34 last month so she's not even close to 35 yet. But I guess she's assuming that'll be the case next year when she does get there. My reply to the idea of being 35 and single was, "Who cares?", which surprised her. For years, I had this big ass clock in my brain that said I had to be hitched by this time, or have kids by that time. It was annoying and it affected my romantic relationships somewhat. That clock seemed to shatter sometime in the last decade, and I'm glad it did. I don't care about age anymore or being "old" in the eyes of anyone (except my girls, I will forever loathe being called old by Miss N and the teenager). Things happen when they are meant to happen, I truly believe that. There's a reason Y became engaged, and there's a reason why it ended. The reason may not be apparent right now as she peruses the wreckage, but upon further investigation she'll realize why it had to end, and what comes next.
Y asked me if I thought this was how either of our lives would turn out. I thought that sounded a bit melodramatic, especially considering we're not doing all that terribly. We both have girls we adore, we have great friends and family, we love our work. I have to tell ya, my life is pretty damn good 90% of the time. Would I love a relationship? Yeah. But that doesn't define how happy I am. I look at it as being a nice piece of the puzzle to have, but if it's not meant to be, that's fine too. But Y wants to find her lobster and she's sad that she has yet to do so. Maybe part of that is her being a chick and me being a dude, I don't know. But I'm fairly content with where I've ended up at 34. I could've done much worse than being a single dad who gets to do what he loves for a living. And though she feels like she's made a mess of her personal life, Y could've done worse than where she is too. People act like 40 is a death sentence and we should all have our ish figured out by then, including the house and car and 2.5 kids. But that's not meant to be for everyone, and for others it takes longer than the 40 years. Everything in due time.
