When I wore a younger man's clothes, I went through a span of about a year where like four of my exes got married, had kids or did some variation of both. But I didn't have that, "Oh, man I should get my life on track, look at what they're doing" moment. I was very meh about it all. Three of the four were born to be mothers so I was happy for them, but that was about it. A year later, I became a parent myself and became one of those people who recommends having a kid because it's awesome when you get a little one like Miss N. And now, almost a decade after that first group of exes taking the parental plunge, it looks like it's time for round 2. G is now the proud mama of a son and the Youngin is due, also with a boy, later this year. There's about ten years of difference in age between these ladies, but they both seem much more prepared for parenthood than I am, and I have a 7-year-old. Things have improved considerably between the Youngin and her doctor babydaddy. He's taking some time away from work to make sure he spends time with the Youngin and the baby, and she's graduating a year early before starting her own photography business. And I'm happy it's going well, she deserves an awesome life. The same is true for G, one of my better exes and one of those people who you just wanna see have the happiest of endings. We don't really speak anymore, but it's not like I would ignore her call if it ever came down the line. I almost wish we were on better terms so I could see how an eternal commitment phobe is going to handle being a mom. I wish her the best, and I wish the father would get on board and be a part of the kid's life. Whether he does or not, G's little one has a wonderful mother who adores him.
Unlike the first round of ex pregnancies, this one has brought on the, "Awww, I want one too" feeling. I've always gone back and forth about more kids, but I kinda can't stop thinking about the idea lately. I don't love that there'd be such a huge age difference between Miss N and her sibling, but there can be upsides to that (built in babysitter, yo). Kids are tough and I used to think I wasn't cut out for parenthood because of my restless nature, but I do miss the days when I had an actual little one. This is a bad analogy, and will make me sound like a bad parent, but I liken it to how people feel when their puppy grows up and becomes a dog. Yeah, you still adore it and you're committed to it and all, but you always remember when it was a puppy and all the firsts that came along with that. Puppies and babies are cute, and that's how we're all lured into having them. We get so tied up in the cuteness that we sign on the dotted line without reading the fine print about how they grow and learn and, in the case of children, find us less and less cool and interesting. By the time all that rolls around, it's too late to bail out. So even though I know a second kid would eventually leave me the way Miss N is fixin' to, I still am in that sucker stage where I want one. Of course, I'd prefer to be with someone who wants the same thing. And therein lies the delay.
Agent W and I are both single at the same time for the first time in pretty much ever. We've always joked that we have a sort of yin and yang effect; if she's having a good day, I'm having a bad one, if she's in a relationship, I'm not in one. But it would seem our cycles have synced (haha). Whilst she's seeking Mr. Right via dating every halfway interesting guy that comes her way, I chose to bench myself for about a month so I could figure out what I wanted and how to get it. Spoiler alert: it did not last. The womensz have always been my downfall, so it's not shocking that my resolved didn't last long. But that's not to say the brief moment on the bench didn't provide some clarity. One of the things I realized is that I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where I didn't feel like one of many options to the other person. I mean, I've been in a few good relationships and I've been in love a few times, but never felt like that other person didn't have one eye on something else. No one has ever come in and been like, "I'm not letting you go" and then proven it to be a true statement. G was eternally in and out of things, as was my first love. There were maybe one or two people besides that who kinda, sorta fought for a minute, but obviously it didn't last. Admittedly, I've not been much of a fighter in most of my relationships, particularly during the dark ages when I could not have cared less about whether a chick chose to stay or go. But I feel like I have done a lot of fighting in some of them and it still hasn't made a difference. I relayed all of this to Agent W and she said she felt the same way, that most of the losers she's been dating seem to disappear after a few dates. We concluded that dating is just ridiculous anymore. It was hard enough back in the old days (you know, back before either of us were alive), but now people want instant gratification. And I'm guilty of that mindset too, I don't like wasting time on small talk when on a date. I want to be in something amazing, but the work it takes to find someone interesting, potentially fall in love and then get to the happy relationship stage seems daunting. Prior to Y's broken engagement, E and I were the only singletons in the group (though he's since met someone), and we were surprisingly okay with that. Yeah, we'd both rather be in relationships but neither of us have a problem being single. Is that part of my problem, maybe? I don't mind having time to myself and being able to do whatever I want, and maybe I've gotten too used to that? I don't think so. But I guess it's a possibility. Whatever the reason, I hope the right chick is on the horizon. And that she has all kindsa fight in her. That's something I will not lack in my next relationship.
