Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Hey Man, Women Are Crazy

Y: No gratuitous nudity.
Me: What is this "gratuitous" you speak of?
Y: You know when we were at the restaurant and Crazy Aunt made you switch seats?
Me: Yeah.
Y: She did that so you'd be facing the staff's break room and giving the waitresses a show. That's gratuitous.

Me: LOL. I knew that seemed odd...
Y: lol That's why she wants you to move to Vegas. So she can pimp you out and live comfortably. And the fact that you didn't catch on until someone told you what had happened means you're just pretty enough to fall prey to get evil plan.

Me: LOL. "But why do I have to stand on this street corner? It's dark and my clothes are missing.". *sips juice box unsuspectingly*
Y: LOL. Yep.

==========

5 minutes later...

Me: Are you trying to move me to Vegas so you can pimp me out and live off the money I bring in?
Crazy Aunt: Whaaaaat? 
Me: Don't lie to me, woman! Y told me about the restaurant and why I had to move seats.
Crazy Aunt: Listen, mijo...it could be good money!
Me: Sorry, my chastity won't allow me to do it.
Crazy Aunt: Yeah, okay. I'll ask the 40 women you slept with about your chastity.
Me: 'Scuse you, I have not slept with 40 women.
Crazy Aunt: lol Okay. And I've never slept with one either. Since we're lying.
Me: lol first of all, thank you for that disturbing mental image. And second, I honestly have not slept with 40 women.
Crazy Aunt: Really? I would've if I were as handsome as you. Enjoy it, mijo!
Me: "I'm sure your one female lovah found you plenty handsome," he says to his great aunt, wondering how his day took such a horrific turn.
Crazy Aunt: LOL. This is what the holidays are about.
Me: lol Is that where you got 40 women? From Jesus' 40 days and nights in the desert?
Crazy Aunt: It may be. I did just read the church bulletin.

===========

3 minutes later...

Y: Why did I just get a text from Crazy Aunt that says, "Snitches get stitches"?
Me: Cuz I ratted you out...wait...
Y: lol Then you in danger too, gurl.
Me: lol I'm in danger in worse ways than that when you see the convos I've had today.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Twelve Inches To A Yard

Y: Prepare for 4-10 inches!
Me: ...Um...that's a wide margin. Not sure if I should feel sorry for you or be impressed.
Y: LOL. Dammit. Of snow. 4-10 inches of snow. And damn right you'd be impressed. 

Me: lol I'm gonna get a banner that says, "Prepare for 4-10 inches" and put it above my bedroom door. 
Y: LMAO. And the beauty of it is first they'll be impressed and then they'll feel sorry for you.

Me: LOL. That'll certainly make it awkward when I hand out the morning after treat bags; "Thanks for playing [Write Your Name Here]".
Y: LMAO. Yes!! Filled with memorabilia like Derek Jeter used to hand out.

Me: ...And you know this how...?
Y: Uh...I read it somewhere. Yeah, that's it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Spatchcock You Very Much

Me: I was only half paying attention to the TV when I hear, "I am ready to spatchcock this turkey". Followed by one of the women saying, "My hand is all the way inside this turkey. I am a spatchcocking champion." lol.
W: lol Wait...what?
Me: Apparently it's a term from the 18th century that means to split open poultry before grilling it. It's shorthand for, wait for it...dispatch cock.
W: LOL. It makes sense when you explain it.
Me: When a big cock comes along, you must spatch it! Now spatch it. Into shape. Shape it up. Pretend you straight. Spatch your cock forward. Use your head. It's not too late. To spatch it. Spatch that cock good.
W: LMAO. I cackled in the grocery store and scared a child.
Me: LOL. Worth it.
W: Bastard...it was worth it. You're too much, man.

==========

Crazy Aunt has retired and thus we don't see her as much. But fresh off the plane, she decided to get right down to business while watching football with my gay cousin and his husband...

Crazy Aunt: When are you gonna have another baby?
Cousin: I don't know if we are. Probably adopt again at some point.
Crazy Aunt: Why don't you make one? You know, a surrogate?
Cousin: We'll see.
Crazy Aunt: Mijo, you should think about it. Why don't you have one of those twice gay babies? Where they take both of your cojones and mix them. I saw it on the internet.
Cousin: ...Uh yeah, that's something to consider.

==========

My cousins and I were watching a show on Investigation Discovery about a murder. The females in the room were all fawning over the attractive lad playing one of the lead roles in the show. The cops get the guy's alibi and he says he was playing "Dungeons and Dragons" all evening with friends.

Cousin: Well, now we know that actual guy isn't as ridiculously hot as the actor.
Me: You don't know that! He could be attractive and like nerd things.
Cousin: I can prove that the real guy is not as pretty as the guy on TV.
Me: ...How?
Cousin: What is "Dungeons and Dragons", Giuseppe?
Me: It's a board game...right? *turns to the room that is now laughing*
Cousin: Point proven, my friend.

I was later informed that it is a dice game. But it's not a sex dice game, so I'm not interested.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Lemme Welcome Eerbaady To The Wile Wile West

Me: I'll plagiarize all your speeches for you.
Her: lol Thank you.
Me: Be quoting Ice Cube and ish.
Me: Press: How was your trip to China? You: Well Diane, while I was there I didn't even have to use my AK. So I have to say it was a good day.
Her: LOL. Start my inaugural acceptance speech with, "Now lemme welcome eerbaddy to the wile wile west, a state dats untouchable like Elliott Ness". 
Me: LOL. "I promise to give you the best for your Jimmy in the city of sex".
Me: You could have campaign posters that show your face looking off in the distance in presidential ponderment. With one liners like, "Make this a bomb ass state where the bad ass hemp be," or, "Make this a state where you never find a dance floor empty".
Her: lol Yes! #EverSinceHoneysWasWearinSassoons
Me: No, no. You run on a platform of you've been defeating ISIS since honeys was wearin' Sassoons.
Her: Brilliant.

==========

Her: A spider got into my car. Made webs and shit. Had no idea where it was and starved to death on my floor mat. Male black widow.
Me: lol Yeah, when you said starved to death I assumed it was a man. A female spider would've been more resourceful.
Her: Nice save. You know damn well that was a dig at my lack of cooking skills!
Me: Twas not. Twas a dig at my gender. Way to read between the lines, Melania.
Her: lol I thought it was, and I narrowed my eyes so hard. 
Me: lol This is why ya'll didn't win president. Be taking offense to ish that even about you.
Me: And it's STILL the man's fault.
Her: LOL

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Barricades Can't Block Our Way

It has now been an entire week since the election from hell was decided. I spent about two days in denial, avoiding all news coverage, then a day or so in anger, followed by two days of fear over what's to come. And I've finally, reluctantly, hit the acceptance stage. Because it's not like we can change shit now. The last week has been interesting in that the hate Trump preached during his campaign has already started to spread like a disease across the country. Six of my friends have experienced some sort of racist comment, and I got in on the fun over the weekend when someone told me I'd have to go back to my country now. These aren't minor incidents, these are the first steps of something major that will happen now that Trump is going to be in office. And it would be bad enough to have to worry about the safety of your children in such a racially charged environment, but then you realize how much more scary shit is on the horizon. Trump will not have unlimited power but he will be able to change the way we all live. Republican presidents use their favoritism of the rich to bring about tax cuts at the expense of the middle and lower classes. That means fewer jobs and more people in need of public assistance that probably won't be available anymore, at least not in the way it exists now. This is less than a week after he's been elected and we're already seeing how some white folks bought into his promises of getting rid of all other colors. I don't even want to imagine what it will be like in a few months when he actually takes office.
During the acceptance phase of my grief, I've had time to think about some things. The first being that while I loathe Trump and all he stands for, the diehard optimist in me would like to see some kind of evidence that he's not as vile in his policies as he showed during the campaign. Or at the very least, that he'd hire one or two capable people who actually know how government works to guide him. So far, neither of these has proven true as he's hired the apocalyptic version of The Avengers; a man with a picture of himself as Jesus in his home and numerous people with histories of endorsing policies that harm homosexuals, women or minorities. These are the people that will make our decisions for us until 2020 when, god willing, we're still alive and around to elect someone decent. I won't root for Trump to fail because that's rooting for the entire nation to fail, but I'm finding it difficult to be even cautiously optimistic about his decision making. It's also telling that neither his youngest son, nor his wife seem all that interested in their new roles. Let's face it, Melania is a trophy wife, not First Lady material. I don't think she realizes she's been given a full-time job and considering she couldn't even write her own speech, I highly doubt she'll be able to handle all that comes with being First Lady. I also don't think Trump has any fucking clue how most of the government works, which is another reason to worry about what he's going to do in office. This is a man that throws money at his problems or denies his role in them, neither of which will fly as the leader of the (for now) free world. I don't believe he fully grasps that every decision he makes will have an equal and opposite reaction and you can't go around like Napoleon dictating what every nation will do for you. Not to mention, he does not have unlimited money to throw at shit to fix the government. For every project he wants to get done, like his infamous wall, there's some other part of the budget that will have to suffer, like education. Supposedly he wants to send everyone to college - how's he gonna pay for that? Students aren't even educated enough to get into college because public schools suck. And we all know damn well that Mexico is not funding any wall and cannot be forced to do so. If you wanna build a wall in your country, on your property, then you pay for it yourself the same way you would if it were putting a fence outside your house. Trump promised all kinds of doomsday shit within his first 100 days in office, but I'd guess it'll take at least that long for him to learn just what a president's job is.
In my last post on this topic, I shamed every minority who cast a vote for Trump. I've been asked if I still feel that way and the answer is yes, I do. I can't respect anyone who voted for someone who preaches hate the way that Trump does, or anyone who fails to see that this is not about one political party versus another. Politics are the last thing this had to do with, ironically. This was about an experienced candidate who saw equality for all, who believed every American regardless of color was equally American and entitled to the same rights and freedoms, versus a man with no political experience whatsoever who refuses to pay taxes or the minority workers who build his properties, a man who believes anybody of a different color needs to be stopped and frisked and vetted before we decide if they're good enough to have any rights. I will never back down from saying a vote for Trump was a vote for hate, was a vote against women and homosexuals and minorities, was a vote that endorsed the idea that we are not equals in this country. I've seen news stories of minorities defending their vote for Trump, but it's all bullshit. They can say whatever they'd like to convince themselves they're not racist or perhaps even self-hating, but they voted for someone who insulted them directly in saying Mexicans are rapists or Muslims are terrorists or African-Americans are criminals. I don't respect anyone who voted for Trump, regardless of race, but I hold particular disdain for minorities who voted for him. I certainly hope ya'll don't get the rug pulled out from under you when he comes for you based purely on what color you are. You think he's gonna ask for receipts about who you voted for before he classifies you as a rapist/terrorist/criminal? Nope.
At the end of the day, my final thought on this election shit is that I'm going to cross all of the burning, hate-filled bridges when I come to them. I'm going to try and enjoy Thanksgiving, try to enjoy Christmas and ignore the fact that our doom is lingering on the horizon. Because what else can we do, really? We can't change what's happened, only hope that will happen isn't as terrible as it all seems it's going to be right now. And hope is about all we have, ain't it? The hope that young voters who so overwhelmingly voted for Hillary will make their voices echo even louder in 2020. The hope that if we all buckle down and refuse to stoop to the level of Trump's racist supporters, maybe somehow the tide will start to turn. As Michelle Obama says, "When they go low, we go high". And hope that we can lead by example.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

This Is The Way The World Ends

Wow. As I write this, it is almost 11 PM on the east coast and I cannot even process all of my emotions. I'm not one of those who took this man's campaign lightly. Like most others, I joked a year ago about the possibility of him actually winning office, and that was way before any of the super shocking and awful facts about him surfaced. But I was never of the mind that it would be a landslide loss for him. Two things made me realize how dangerous this man's pull was. The first was BP, who is whiter than white, trying to reason why he wouldn't be such a bad president because he's supposedly good with money. I reminded her he'd filed for bankruptcy more than once and, oh by the way, he's racist (this convo was after his comments on Mexicans). This got me thinking there would probably be a lot of white folks who felt similarly to BP. The second convo that hammered home the danger was one in which my mother made a comment about how there would be many people who would vote for him because they secretly agreed with his most egregious campaign promises; deporting Mexicans, keeping out all immigrants, letting any and everyone who wants to carry guns be allowed to have as many as they want. He said things that many people in this country think, as evidenced by the outcome of all this. I expected there would be fellow racists and sexists and rednecks who agreed with him. What I did not expect that is so many minorities would buy into his hate. I can't even wrap my head around that actually. How do you in good conscience vote for a man who has called you a name based solely on your skin color or ancestry? How do you look your children in the eye and explain to them that hate is the right path for the country? How do you believe that a man who would rather say, "Fuck you" if you don't agree with him, rather than listen to the country's issues and work towards resolution will make things better? And how is it that we've struggled for so many years and waged so many seemingly winning battles for equality, only to put a bigot, serial sex offender in office? Fuck, why not just vote for Jared from Subway if that's how ya'll feel about shit. This election was not about politics, it was about the divide that still exists in this nation, the divide that people said had magically disappeared once an African-American man took office. Of course, most of us knew that was not true at all, especially minorities who still live with racism and hate everyday. This man (and I will not use his name, nor ever refer to him as the president) could've raped someone live on Fox News and had it played on a continuous loop for two months and he still would have been considered a viable candidate, even with zero political experience. He's a liar, he's a racist, he's a misogynist and the people who voted for him are no better than him. For the first time in my 35 years, I'm genuinely ashamed to call myself an American.
This isn't a case of someone being bitter because their candidate didn't win, I want that made crystal clear. I didn't have a candidate to begin with. No one; not Hilary, not Bernie, not any third party candidate won me over. I voted for the lesser of the evils and, like many of us, recognized that while Hilary was not an ideal candidate, the man running against her was a terrible example of a human being. I voted for Hilary because I knew that I would not have to constantly worry about certain things for the next four years. I voted for her because I knew the alternative, now the reality, would be cataclysmic. And here we are. What a mess this election made of democracy. It turned what should be the most important part of government into a sideshow and the smoke and mirrors won out. I'm not bitter that my choice did not win. I'm terrified about who did win; terrified for my family and my freedom and the world in general. Anyone who isn't white should be terrified about this result, whether they voted for him or not (and shame on you if you're a minority who did). I've been Latino for my whole 35 years and I've been the parent of a bi-racial child for almost nine years now. And nothing gives you insight into how racially divided this country still is like having a child who is obviously mixed. You get looks, you get questions, questions people wouldn't dare ask someone with a kid who was not multi-racial. The same is true of being in an interracial relationship. I've been in those most of my life, but the hate L and I have experienced on a few occasions has been ridiculous. If that kinda shit happens now, in 2016 with a black man in the White House, what is it going to be like in a year's time? That's if our family is even allowed to be together in this country in that time. Hell, I could be sent back to Mexico and L deported back to London and MOC on a boat to Africa for all we fucking know. Those are things the white folks in this country don't have to worry about. That uncertainty is not present for them. That hate is not in their faces everyday.
I'd be offended if I were in the Armed Forces, having fought for the freedom of this country only to have the people I fought for spit in my face and vote to take away that freedom from certain citizens.
I'm not someone who can "pass" as white. I'm a mutt and I look like a mutt. Throughout my life, my ethnicity has been guessed as everything from Middle Eastern to South African. I'm a multiracial dude living in America and I've never been more worried about what ways my skin color will affect my future. I was born and raised in this country, but like any other person of color, or homosexual or transgender, I have never been afforded all of the opportunities of being an American. And now that gap will widen considerably. For the last eight years we progressed, not as much as we wanted to but it was still progress. Now one horrible person will peel back all that progress and the saddest part is that this country voted for it to happen. People knew his politics and his hate and they voted for that to represent their country to the world. The people who voted for him, whether they admit it or not, believe that I'm less of an American because I'm not white. They believe my daughter is less of an American because she's not white. They believe we're not entitled to the same freedoms and opportunities as white Americans. It's like we've been trying to climb up a ladder for decades and with one whack, we got knocked back down to the bottom. I'm disappointed that so many people believe the same shit as this man. I'm flabbergasted as to how someone with no political experience and clear evidence of crimes and misdeeds having been committed even made it onto the ballot, nevermind into the White House. Enjoy these last three months of freedom while we still recognize what freedom looks like. After he takes office, we're all royally fucked. Thanks, America.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

The Not-So Great Debate

*sigh*...Here's the thing about this election - it matters a whole fucking lot who wins it. I've heard people who think it's like any other Presidential election and no matter who wins, shit doesn't get fixed so why does it matter if you vote or not? But this is quite different. And rarely has there been an election with such a dire possible outcome. If you know me, you know I loathe politics and I typically tune out in election years once I've decided who to vote for. This year, it wasn't difficult to make that decision since one candidate is a racist fucking lunatic, so I've been decided for quite awhile now. Unfortunately, because of what's at stake in this election, there's no way to escape all the news about it. I decided to watch the debate this week because I was curious to see if Hillary would go off on Trump or be able to keep her cool. I thought she did very well, looked very professional and stuck to the facts when she was asked a question. She got a few digs in at the idiot, but did not lower herself to his level. On the other hand, I could not believe the shit Trump was spewing and that he was getting applauded for some of it. Go back and watch the whole debate and you'll notice he did not directly answer a single question Lester Holt (a bad choice for moderator, btw because he rarely interjected to try and keep shit on topic) posed to him. Everything had a long-winded answer about how much money he has and, "That's what's wrong with this country" without really telling us what is wrong with it. He interrupted Lester or Hillary fifty-five times in less than two hours. A debate is meant to be a healthy discussion between two people with opposing views, with each person getting the chance to say their part. It is not meant to be one person directly answering questions while the other constantly interrupts to lie in his own defense or throw out ridiculous digs.
A few things stood out in the debate, none of them good. I know just about every minority in the country who was watching opened their ears wide to hear what Trump had to say about race relations in America. I can't say I was surprised by what I heard. Stop and frisk should be reinstated because it works, despite the fact we all know which colors are most likely to be stopped for looking "suspicious". According to Trump, every neighborhood of color is a third world ghetto where people live under terrible conditions and rampant crime sprees and gun violence. That assertion was funny to me because I grew up in such a neighborhood and while it was no picnic, we certainly didn't have to board up our windows and not go outside at night because crime was so awful. Hell, we lived a few blocks from the actual projects and crime still wasn't a huge deal. I highly doubt Trump has even been to a neighborhood like this in his life though, so how would he know how they operate? Also of note was how he evaded questions about his tax returns and continued to throw out claims about his wealth, none of it making sense. Absolutely nothing is preventing him from releasing his tax returns, standard practice for Presidential candidates, he's just refusing to do so. And I'm very curious as to why that is. Given how often he's been audited, and that he's declared bankruptcy six times, I wouldn't doubt he's taken deductions he shouldn't have or that he's not as well off as he claims to be. Hiding something shady is the only reason not to release those documents. I'd guess the reason he said he was supposedly going to say nasty things about Hillary and her family but chose not to was some misguided attempt to show he was a "nice" guy. Buuuuut saying you were gonna do that and then didn't shows the opposite - it makes you look like a dick. You're acknowledging you have it in you to say such awful things, and we know he does anyway cuz he's always been that way, but trying to gain brownie points for not actually saying it? Nah, son. It doesn't work that way. Besides, it'd be the biggest case of the pot calling the kettle black in history. Hillary's husband cheated on her numerous times, so what? You started banging your next wife before you divorced the previous ones. Hillary was cheated on and now she's got Bill by the cojones, whereas Trump gets rid of his wives as soon as they start to show too much mileage. And what the fuck does it matter if Bill cheated anyway? He was a great President, he balanced the budget and he's not the one running, she is. I feel the same way about the email scandal, I'm so tired of hearing about it. Was she less than forthcoming? Yes, she was. But it was investigated and that's the end of it. No politician bats a thousand in their career and no one politician can change everything or fix everything the way Trump is promising or seems to have expected Hillary to already have done. She wasn't President, she was Secretary of State for four years and there's only so much power that comes with that position. The last thing that jumped out was Trump flat out lied about the whole birther thing, as well as his stance on the Iraq war. My memory is crap and even I can recall him being all out and proud about the war, and calling for Obama to resign because he wasn't actually born in the U.S.. Like this is shit that is in writing for the world to see, but he continues to deny it. In one of Lester Holt's few moments of bringing down the hammer in the debate, he pressed Trump on why he continued to deny Obama was an American long after a birth certificate had been produced. Again, he didn't directly answer the question and when pressed he lied yet again.
Trump showed himself to be an outright liar, out of touch with minorities and an all-around dick. Anyone who brags about how he doesn't pay taxes and doesn't pay the people who build his resorts because, "maybe they didn't do a good job" is a disgusting human being. I feel like the government squanders my taxes and not everyone I hire to do a job does it well, but I don't have the luxury of not paying them. It's that entitled attitude that bothers me. How are you going to fix the nation's debt when you're $650 million in debt yourself? Why the fuck are you even in that situation if you allegedly have sooooo much cash flow? He wants to slash taxes on the rich in the hopes they put that saved money back into their companies and hire more people. Bush did that and no one put money into anything, they just enjoyed the kick back and watched everyone else languish in the recession. That doesn't work, we already know that. Trump's ideas on money and minorities are dangerous as all hell, but it's something he brought up himself that's my biggest worry - temperament. The fact that Hillary didn't crawl across that stage and punch the lights out that mother fucker shows she has more patience than anyone. I couldn't have done it. Someone tweeted right after the debate that they'd never vote for Hillary because, "Americans died because of her". That can be said of just about any President who went to war or inherited a war. I firmly believe Bush ignored chances to stop 9/11 and look how many Americans that killed, not to mention those who died in the needless war that followed. If Trump wins, I guarantee you we will see casualties (home and abroad) like never before because he's a hot head who can't control himself. The man said if he were a sailor being taunted by foreign sailors, he'd blow up their ship for fuck's sake. That's an act of war over schoolyard level shit. And he wants to argue who has the better temperament? He wants to claim he's A-Ok to have nuclear codes and that kind of power? Yet despite all this, many news outlets said they thought he did a pretty good job in his first debate. I'm not sure what they were watching, but hell no. If Satan himself were running against Trump, I'd be pounding the pavement to get Satan some votes. Trump is a massive threat to the future of minorities, no doubt, and I cannot respect one who chooses to vote for him. But he's also a threat to the fate of the world in general. The rest of the world, both leaders and in many cases citizens of other countries, can see what a threat he is, but Americans can't. And that's extremely concerning. It is genuinely scary to think about wait awaits us in a little over a month's time...

Friday, September 23, 2016

Cuz Every Monster That They Make Was Once A Happy Child

G and I had an interesting conversation today. She wondered out loud if her aversion to staying put in a good relationship has to do with her childhood. Her dad was divorced with kids when he met her mom and then they had kids of their own. The whole family was pretty tight-knit even though her oldest siblings were almost two decades older than her. But she doesn't recall her parents' relationship ever being 100% great. They didn't often fight in front of the kids but little ears have a way of hearing more than we think they can. She remembers thinking some of their fights were comical and it didn't strike her until they divorced that all the fighting was legit. Once they did finally split up, she and the sibs lived with her mom and saw dad every other weekend. Things remain civil and relatively peaceful between her parents now, mostly because they rarely see one another. The last time they interacted was years ago when G's brother died and everyone went to the funeral. I recall some awkwardness at the actual funeral but it didn't go beyond that because mom didn't go to the reception. Dad has since remarried, gained some grown step-kids and found himself occasionally estranged from his own kids for various reasons, the most common one being that he feels they all favor their mother/step-mother over him.
G considers our relationship to be the only truly functional one she's ever been in (I know, scary huh?). When things were good between us, they were great and when they were bad, they were awful and we were usually apart. I've been looking back on some of my journals from that time and I can see what she's talking about when she says her childhood affected how she deals with men. I didn't know it at the time, and maybe she didn't either since we were both so young, but I was working so hard to hold onto us in vain. Nothing I did, nothing we patched up was ever going to be good enough for her and it's not because I wasn't good enough or the relationship was lacking in some fatalistic way. She just had some sort of block that prevented her from taking it all in. The irony is that I don't know a single person who is more about love than she is. It's something that drives her. But it's also something she can't always accept when it's thrown her way. Fortunately, she is choosing to break the cycle when it comes to her little dude. She's not surrounding him with temporary men or situations, only the best of everything, and I'm so proud of her for that.
While I agreed with G that yes, our childhoods do play a significant part in how we handle relationships as adults, I felt the need to point out that a crap childhood isn't an excuse to be a dick in adulthood. I haven't been involved with a lot of people who have tried to excuse their ridiculous behavior with equally ridiculous stories of what they witnessed growing up but the one time I was it was quite the education. What we experience in childhood, whether it be how our father treats our mother or how our parents handle conflict, is beyond our control. How we choose to apply those lessons as adults, however, is completely under our control. I could treat women like crap and excuse it with, "Well my dad was absent so I never learned how to treat a woman". There's some truth to that statement since I didn't witness many, if any, functional romantic relationships growing up. But I was raised with respect and knowing how to treat people in general and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that you treat someone you're dating that much better. My problems in past relationships have been because I couldn't get out of my own way, or because I was in a selfish phase of my life, but never have they resulted from childhood crap. That said, I do feel for people who didn't have the happiest of childhoods. In my opinion that should be the one time you're able to be carefree and not have any weight on your shoulders. Kids should be kids, even if they end up being smartass kids like Miss N. I feel quite fortunate to have avoided any major traumas in my childhood, fortunate to not have had to navigate dueling parents or being forced to make adult decisions way before I was capable of doing so (cuz let's face it, I'm barely capable of doing so now at 35). That's becoming even more of a luxury nowadays that far too few little ones are afforded.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Justice? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Justice!

This week we watched the highly anticipated premiere of CBS' "The Case of JonBenet Ramsey". And I don't think I have ever been so upset at a TV show, ya'll. There has been an onslaught of shows about the Ramsey murder this month because December will mark 20 years since it took place (why everyone settled on airing these in September, rather than around the time of the actual murder, I don't know.). A&E had a special a few weeks ago that was pretty good and went through the evidence with a fine toothed comb and exposed how the Boulder cops had very little evidence against the Ramsey family, yet refused to rule them out and pursue any other suspects. Investigation Discovery had a three-night event of their own last week that basically laid out the case from beginning to end and shed light on some very intriguing leads that were apparently never followed up by the cops. Both of those shows were investigative and informative without being exploitative. But CBS' show is just utter bullshit. The sad thing is that it will get the biggest audience and many of those people will take what they say as gospel. And what CBS is doing with their platform is quite disturbing.
"The Case of..." doesn't waste any time jumping right into the deep end, beginning with a former FBI investigator and a Scotland Yard-trained British investigator telling us all about their length of time as investigators and introducing us to their team that will supposedly look at the case with fresh eyes. Dr. Henry Lee, a renowned forensic pathologist, is one of the members of this team and that's disappointing because I always thought he was better than this. The rest of the team consists of former this or that from the FBI or other police forces but it's made clear who is running the show - the Brit and the Fed. The two of them depart for a music studio where they have an engineer "clean up" the audio of the 911 call because there's some chatter at the tail end of it before Patsy Ramsey hangs up. This sequence is incredibly boring, even for me (and that's saying something since I edit for a damn living), as we watch the engineer isolate this and then turn down that. In the end, the investigators say they hear three voices on the tape; a man's voice saying, "We're not talking to you" in a "stern" manner, followed by a woman's voice saying, "What did you do? Help me, Jesus" (or just two "Help me, Jesus'", they couldn't be sure), and then a boy's voice saying, "What did you find?". I heard none of that, nor did anyone else on my couch. What we did hear was two people trying to make their ideas fit the evidence. Once they determined this is what they heard, they presented it to everyone on the team and every witness they interviewed as an absolute, when the truth was you could barely make out a damn thing on that tape. Even more disturbing was that none of the investigators, who we're told have a combined 250 years of experience, consider any other explanations for what was allegedly heard on the tape. "We're not talking to you" could've been said to the son as he walked in and heard mom on the phone, or heard his parents talking, and inquired about what was going on. "What did you do? Help me, Jesus" could've been Patsy talking to herself upon realizing her daughter was gone and she'd had thousands of people traipsing through her house the week before for some home show. "What did you find?" could've been an innocent question asked by 10-year-old Burke Ramsey. The conclusions the investigators jumped to were not the only possible explanations. The Ramseys, as well as Burke, always said the boy had stayed in bed throughout the chaos of that morning, even once investigators arrived. This is odd, but it may not be what actually happened since the mind plays tricks on your under extreme amounts of stress. The phone the call was made from was an old school corded phone attached to the wall so I highly doubt Patsy could've believed she'd hung it up when she actually had not and all of this chatter was accidentally recorded. Making up what you hear from a 20-year-old 911 call and then assuming it was a familial conversation that they didn't know was being recorded is lazy investigating.
The investigators next turn their attention to the ransom note found on the stairs that morning by Patsy Ramsey. The note has always puzzled most people because it's all over the place in terms of content, is unusually long for a ransom note, is written with pen and paper from the Ramsey home and demands a ransom that is almost the exact amount of John Ramsey's Christmas bonus from that year. The note has always troubled me because, whether you believe the killer is a Ramsey or an intruder, it doesn't make sense. The Ramseys were both college educated people, why would they put the ransom amount so close to John's bonus total? Unless it was the only number they could think of in a panic. Parents covering up the murder of their child and then writing a note that contains what this one does speaks to psychopathic tendencies. It'd be a diabolical thing to do, whether the murder was accidental or intentional. But of course the investigator who takes the lead on the note determines it was written by a female, most likely a mother, who was over thirty and under stress. Of course it was. The team wonders why someone would write a long ass letter when they could've gotten the point across in a few lines and then notices some of the letter references popular movie quotes and, oh what do you know, the Ramsey family has several movie posters in their basement (we don't get to see if they are of the movies the ransom note lines were lifted from). So that explains that in their minds. Next, they do a bizarre ritual of having all the experts write out the letter themselves word for word while they time how long it would've taken. They clock it at 23 minutes but surmise it would've taken even longer than that because the author would've had to be thinking of what to write as they were writing it. "Why would a killer spend an extra half hour in a house?", they ask. However Lou Smit, an investigator hired by the Boulder D.A. who questioned whether the cops were properly investigating the case, believed the killer had been lying in wait in the house for hours before the Ramseys returned home from a holiday party. That gives plenty of time to write such a note. The killer also could've familiarized himself with the layout of the house (which was a labyrinth) in that time. The team does not look into any further suspects or possibilities after settling on a woman having authored the letter.
The next portion of the program shows a complete reconstruction of the Ramsey house in an airport hangar, down to bringing in the same items that were on counters and kitchen tables. To this scene, the investigators bring the only FBI agent who had briefly been on the case in 1996 and ask him to recreate his movements on that day. And it's all rather sketchy. The 911 call reporting a kidnapping came in at around 5 in the morning and child abductions fall under the jurisdiction of the Feds, yet this dude wasn't called until around 8 and didn't arrive at the scene until almost 2, when the body had already been discovered and moved twice. That's a mighty lot of time gaps there. When he arrived, he says he discussed with another detective how the body had been found and then proceeded to the basement to see where it had been found, but didn't stray too far from the doorway. And that was the extent of his involvement because it was now a murder and therefore fell under the Boulder PD's jurisdiction. Wow, what riveting TV that was. They follow this up with an interview with the 911 operator whom they claim must have copious amounts of pertinent information that she surely remembers 20 years on. They meet with her and she tells them she was put under a gag order until a trial came about and the seasoned investigators react as if this is some big deal. They play the 911 tape in its entirety (again) for her and by now we've heard the whole tape at least five times. The 911 operator has a completely different recollection of what was said at the tail end of the call, claiming she heard Patsy borderline confess to some sort of cover-up. Again, the investigators jaws drop as this information is just so shocking. They leave the 911 lady and hit the city to talk to neighbors who they apparently believe are the exact same neighbors that lived in these houses 20 years ago and are repeatedly shot down. They talk to the Ramseys BFF's who were at the house that day, or at least say they will, but the couple don't want cameras on them and seem to send the investigators packing when they try and force them to speak on camera. We see all this as 15 minutes of the investigators driving up a hill while the camera crew stays behind, then driving down the hill to say the couple don't want cameras but have "fascinating" things to say, then go back up the hill to bargain some more before coming back down and saying nope, they still won't talk on camera. We don't actually hear any of the so-called fascinating things they said. So they move on to a Ramsey friend who has been talking to anyone that'll listen for the last 20 years. Her daughter was three years older than JonBenet but got along well with the little girl and the parents ended up as friends too. This woman rides the line about whether she believes they killed their daughter but expresses shock at how they cast her out of their lives when she chose to speak to the media all those years ago. *sigh* Where to start? It is not unusual for people involved in cases, especially high profile ones, to be put under gag orders. Yes, the 911 operator was told not to talk to anyone until the trial, but the only way she would've been called at trial was if she had some kind of evidence to testify to. We heard the same thing she did on the 911 tape and she offered up nothing more than her opinion about Patsy's inflection and what she supposedly heard at the end of the tape. That's inadmissible because it is opinion and not concrete fact. Nothing about her interview was the least bit shocking. And that gag order has long since expired so nothing prevented her from going to the media with her story if she thought it was so earth-shattering. As for the "friend" who was surprised by her exile...come on now. It's a fact that the Ramseys asked their inner circle to refrain from talking to the media so as not to add to the circus of misinformation that was already out there. If a friend asks you not to do something and you promptly turn around and do it anyway, even if it is in their defense, can you really claim to be surprised when they cut you off? This wasn't, "Hey man, don't eat my sandwich okay?" and then they eat the sandwich and we all laugh about it. This was at a time when the Ramseys were on trial in the media for their lives and could've gone to prison because of the tiniest detail, even one that came from a friend trying to lend public support. They asked her not to do that and she did it anyway. This chick got what she deserved and I don't find her at all credible. Besides, if she believes the Ramseys capable of such a vicious act then I'm not sure why she's so butthurt over the dismissal anyway. Who wants to be friends with cold-blooded murderers?
I fell asleep soon after that last segment because every question they posed was answered by pointing the finger at the Ramsey family. I know one of the M.E.'s said he believed a large flashlight seen in the house may have been the murder weapon and, according to L, they later tested this theory by having a young boy swing the flashlight at a dead pig wearing a blonde wig. On the second night of the show, which I avoided like the plague, the investigators concluded that 10-year-old Burke Ramsey killed his sister. According to their extremely flawed theory, the family did not go straight to bed after coming home from their holiday festivities. Burke was given a bowl of pineapple and a glass of tea by his mother and when JonBenet tried to steal a bite, he reacted violently and bashed her over the head with a flashlight that was on the kitchen table. Supposedly he did this because he had violent tendencies and was upset over Christmas gifts. Mom and dad then proceeded to start the cover-up of the crime in order to protect their other child and thus everything; the note, the 911 call, the discovery of the body, was one big performance. Oh and the DNA found in JonBenet's underwear was chalked up as not being important because it could've just been contamination from the lab. There's no evidence of that at all, but they tossed the DNA out anyway because if they didn't, it would not allow them to fit the evidence to their version of events. I'm not sure if Burke, now a grown man, knew CBS' show was going to throw him under the bus and back over him when he agreed to do the Dr. Phil interview. If he did, that's just sad. If he didn't, the interview did not do him any favors from what I hear. The pathetic thing is that a peruse of social media shows that most people ate this BS up and questioned nothing. Anyone who does that is truly a moron.
Here's the thing about CBS' theory of the crime - it doesn't fit. DNA is the one thing in crimes that you can't explain away quickly and that is absolute. Because of this DNA convicts the criminals and exonerates the innocent. It has been a force in crimes and in cases for decades now. You can't just decide, "Oh, maybe someone at the lab did that" and toss it out the window. Furthermore, the DNA is often described as a "stain" which points to it most likely being either semen or blood. If a forensics lab is getting either of those things on evidence then you have a much bigger problem on your hands than the unsolved murder of a little girl. Clearly the first officers on the scene from the Boulder PD believed the DNA to be significant because they took John and Burke Ramseys DNA for comparison, as well as samples from other suspects years later. And these are officers who firmly believed in the Ramseys guilt. I'm baffled as to how so many people, and seasoned investigators, are unconcerned with how this type of DNA ended up in a 6-year-old girl's underwear. It's truly disturbing how no one cares actually. Another major flaw with CBS' theory is that the blow to the head was not what killed JonBenet. It was the garrote fastened around her neck that turned out to be the cause of death. The head blow was severe enough that it would have killed her eventually, but not instantly. There were also nail marks around her neck, near where the garrote was placed, which means she was likely conscious during the strangulation. If the parents thought she was dead after the head blow and began to immediately stage the scene, they would've seen her wake up - and then proceeded to kill her themselves. Yet CBS wants to have it both ways, they want to call this an accidental death and cover-up, while still acknowledging that the act that resulted in her death was intentional. I can believe Patsy Ramsey had a temper, you can see it in her interrogation tapes, but it's no secret that JonBenet was the favorite child in that household. If your "lesser" child appears to kill the favorite, then she springs back to life while you're attempting to cover it up, you're most likely going to take her to the hospital, not finish her off. The Ramseys wouldn't have known the head wound was unsurvivable, they would've seen her come to and reacted as most parents with an injured child would. Even if she hadn't woken up (which we know she did), she would've still had a pulse and been breathing. Also, why would a garrote, something typically used in BDSM, be the weapon of choice for these two parents? Is there any evidence they even knew what a garrote was or had ever used one before? If the sole mission was to strangle her until she died, they could've used the rope that was a part of the garrote. Why take the extra step of attaching it to a broken paint brush? The purpose of a garrote in sexual practices is to deprive the submissive of oxygen and heighten the intensity of an orgasm. The way a garrote is put together allows the dominant to ease up or increase the pressure on the submissive's neck as needed. Unless the Ramseys were into some very kinky stuff, I don't understand why they would go that route to kill their daughter. It is quite literally overkill and speaks more to someone who is into those types of practices as being the culprit. CBS also did not explain why there were taser marks in two places on JonBenet's body. People who believe the family to be guilty have claimed these marks originated from one of the track sections of Burke's train set being jabbed into the skin, but that has been ruled out as a possibility. The Ramseys did not own a stun gun and the actual weapon that made the marks on her has never been found. Again, you cannot just throw out any evidence that doesn't fit your theory and call it insignificant.
So if not the Ramseys themselves, then who did kill JonBenet? Sadly, I doubt we'll ever know the truth about that and I can only hope her mom got the answer and found some peace after passing. It's mindblowing how twenty years later there is still so much misinformation on the case, still so many people who believe the family had to have done it despite the evidence pointing to an intruder. And the Boulder PD is fully at fault for this case still being unsolved. Once they settled on their suspects, they did not pursue a single other lead unless they were absolutely forced to. And that is why the case remains in limbo. That is what enabled the real killer to get away. The ID special on the case did bring about some interesting suspects not named Ramsey though. A 26-year-old dude who co-owned a junkyard with his family sounds like the strongest suspect to me. Michael Helgoth, according to a friend who worked with him, was an odd bird. He boasted to this friend about a month prior to the murder that he and a partner were about to come into some money, about $60,000 apiece (John Ramsey's bonus that year was around $120,00 and the note asked for $118,000). The friend disengaged because he got the feeling he didn't wanna know how this money was going to come into Helgoth's hands. After the news of a blow to JonBenet's head became public, the friend remembered Helgoth once wondering out loud what it would be like to crack open a human skull and began contacting the Boulder PD. But they didn't seem interested in what he had to say and never returned his calls. Two months after the murder the Boulder D.A., who did not believe the Ramseys to be involved in the murder, held a press conference telling the killer or killers that it was only a matter of time before they were apprehended. Two days after that press conference, Helgoth was found dead in his home of a gunshot wound to the chest. Also found in his possession, and in photos from the scene of his death, were boots similar to the ones that made a partial print in the Ramsey basement and a stun gun. Inexplicably, cops ruled Helgoth's death a suicide despite the fact the gun was found near his non-dominant hand, the wound was at an upward angle and in an odd place for a suicide  and a pillow with powder burns on one side and blood on the other was found on the bed. I've never heard of a suicide like that. It sounds a lot like a murder though. Perhaps he did have a partner who was going to commit the crime with him and the partner is the one the DNA belongs to. Helgoth was a violent character, but it's possible he flipped out after the press conference because he thought the jig might be up. And his partner acted accordingly, making sure he wouldn't talk. There were a string of home invasions in the Ramsey household leading up to the murder. Oddly, nothing was ever taken in these invasions, the intruder seemed to be doing it just for thrills. Those crimes were also never solved. The cops did eventually test Helgoth's DNA and the boots but said neither was a math, though they refuse to say what exactly didn't match about the boots.
Suppose Helgoth and his partner did the home invasions and then decided to turn their attention to kidnapping. Maybe they saw JonBenet at a pageant, maybe they toured the house in the weeks before Christmas. Helgoth had told someone his girlfriend's young daughter "wasn't safe" around him and she had caught him naked with the child on at least one occasion. Maybe the intent was to assault her, get the money and run, maybe it was all about the money. Maybe it was not intended to be a kidnapping at all, who knows? The fact that the Ramsey house was open to the public for tours would've made it very easy for anyone considering the crime to case the joint. Some investigators believe the intruders entered the house prior to the family arriving home and waited for their moment to strike. The taser could've been used to subdue her while they took her out of the basement window, where a suitcase was waiting beneath the window and the boot print was found. But she woke up and they panicked and took her to the farthest corner of the basement where she was later found to try and quiet her down. They slammed her head against the concrete, or grabbed something to hit her with and believed she was dead. They stage the note and improvise by using the Ramseys paper and pen, and the partner (or both) decide to sexually assault her. She wakes up during the assault and the garrote is placed around her neck and she's eventually killed. An intruder theory, not necessarily this one but any intruder theory, explains a lot of the evidence. It does not explain the pineapple on the table or in her system, but keep in mind no theory presented so far explains all of the evidence. If anything did, the case would've been solved by now. Unfortunately, I don't think we'll ever know who committed the crime, unless there's a DNA hit that comes up down the line. Even if we do find out, the more time that passes, the more likely it is the perpetrators are dead anyway. It's sad that this little girl was robbed of her life and that her image continues to be used as a means of accusing her family of having ended her life.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Ouchie

They say you find out who your friends are when a crisis emerges. I believe that's true. But you also find out just how much you're loved when ish hits the fan. I've spent the better part of August dealing with a health crisis of sorts and I can't tell you how much my loved ones have helped me through it. The BFF's have been their wonderful selves, as have MOC and Gio. The rest of my family have also been super invested in every doctor visit and (mofo painful) test. I've been offered the organs, bone marrow and blood of dozens of people in the last few weeks. Fortunately, I don't need any of it (right now, ya'll better reserve that ish just in case though). I'm on the mend and, though the symptoms looked mighty suspicious for a minute, I have been given the all clear by the docs. The last few weeks seem like a whirlwind though. The illness came on quite suddenly and what I thought would be a quick doctor visit evolved into a week-long odyssey of doctor's offices and tests. I honestly didn't think it was anything serious, but better safe than sorry. All of this has had one good side effect though. It's reminded me how blessed I am to finally have the right people in my life. I'm very lucky to have an amazing family and friends who are like family to get me through the whole thing. And there was an odd sort of comfort in that during the uncertain times. Whatever the outcome, I knew I would have these people to support me. Thank ya'll for being fantastic.







Thursday, June 16, 2016

Just Can't Feel Casual About Casualties

Another day, another mass shooting, this time the deadliest in American history with a gay club the target. We've now had mass shootings in colleges, high schools, middle schools, grade schools, churches, workplaces, movie theaters, malls and now a nightclub, each one with a higher death toll than the last. Remember when Columbine was the deadliest mass shooting in history? Remember when Virgina Tech took over the title of deadliest shooting? Remember the uproar about changing gun laws and improving mental health programs in the aftermath of Newtown? I think the problem is that no one remembers any of those things for long. The reporting on Columbine was more extensive than the coverage of the Orlando shooting will be, in part because no one could fathom such a thing happening. We didn't know it at the time, but Columbine was ushering in a new era of gun violence. And while the US is not the only country to have mass shootings, we do hold the distinction of having an absurd amount of them. This country is supposedly the greatest nation in the world - but it is also the most violent. And we win that race by a landslide. Which is why there will be less coverage of Orlando. We've become so desensitized to these kinds of things that the latest shooting takes over the headlines for a few days or a week, and then the next big news story happens and we move on. We no longer react to mass shootings with shock, instead we ask where this one is and wait to hear what the death toll will be. The media tries to dissect the motivations behind each attack, but they always seem to mirror each other in more ways than not. There's usually some kind of mental illness or self-hate, a stockpiling of weapons, missed warning signs and the death of the shooter that prevents any real motivations from being discovered. Rinse and repeat. And it's getting ridiculous now. Actually, it's been ridiculous for a long time but once the story fades from the news, the cries for change subside. And we wait for the next shooting. People talk about change but actually changing things never seems to happen. And that's why all we do is wait for the next shooting.
Though ISIS has taken responsibility for the Orlando shooting, I suspected there was more behid it than just a simple terrorist attack. Nearly every mass shooter attacks somewhere familiar, and if a ruthless group of terrorists were behind a plot like that, they wouldn't care if the people they were killing were gay or straight. We've seen how ISIS operates, the mission is to kill as many people as possible, period. The Orlando massacre had a different ring to it and now it's being reported that the shooter may have been gay and definitely frequented the nightclub. This was a hate crime where a specific group of people were targeted, not a college kid randomly shooting at classmates. We don't yet know the Orlando shooter's motive, and we probably never will truly know it, but the news that his wife knew of his plan and did nothing to stop it is sickening. Missed warning signs are why these things keep happening, but rarely does a shooter flat out declare what his plan is, down to where he will attack and what guns he will use. This woman went with her husband and their child to scout out possible locations for the shooting, including Disney World. She went with her husband to buy ammunition for the guns he would use in the attack. As far as I'm concerned, she is responsible for the deaths of all 49 people at that club, and the law would agree. All she had to do was call 911 or walk into any police station to report her husband's plans and if she had, Sunday morning would've been like any other club outing for those unfortunate souls. I hope the wife is charged and never sees the outside of a prison for the rest of her life. But she isn't the only one to blame for what happened. How was someone on the terror watch list, who was twice brought in for questioning by the Feds, even allowed to purchase guns without a red flag going up somewhere? How is it that you can be on such a list, yet your name doesn't come up in some government database when you purchase an automatic weapon? Maybe the powers that be should spend less time monitoring the boring shit that goes on in our day to day lives and pay more attention to who's buying assault weapons.
Every time a mass shooting happens, half the country says guns kill people and the other half says people kill people. But that debate is also a part of the problem. Guns don't walk out of the store and randomly shoot people by themselves, but the fact that they are so easy to access and makes them the weapon of choice. We never hear about a mass knifing and rarely hear of a mass poisoning. Guns, particularly automatic guns, provide an easy, impersonal way of taking out as many people as possible, as quickly as possible. The Aurora theater shooting took 7 minutes and Columbine was over in less than hour, yet the death tolls in both were double digits. Obviously guns make mass shootings possible, but someone has to choose to plan and carry out that shooting. People use guns to kill other people, and the former set of people have taken a particular shine to automatic weapons that make their attacks that much more deadly. If the only guns available to a mass shooter were handguns or shotguns, they would have to alter their plan of attack dramatically since they couldn't just go in guns blazing and fire dozens of shots a second. The death tolls in these shootings would be far less, and I'd bet the number of mass shootings would decline, as has been the case in countries where guns have been more strictly regulated than they are in the US. The answer isn't to eliminate guns from society altogether, for every mass murderer who uses them to kill, there are many other people who own guns and never commit a murder. Post-9/11 the world changed dramatically overnight and part of those changes were no longer being able to take large quantities of liquids or box cutters on flights. ONE attack prompted those changes. So why is it that after multiple shootings, one in an elementary school, the automatic weapon of choice for mass shooters is still so readily available? Is it because no single shooting has killed 3,000 people? You'd think the deaths of 23 &check& children would cause some sort of change to happen. But nothing changed after Newtown. Not one damn thing. And as long as we continue to do nothing, the shootings will continue to happen. I side eye the hell out of people who don't want a ban on automatic weapons. There is absolutely no reason for a private citizen to need one and because we've seen the carnage they are capable of, I cannot fathom why people don't comprehend the root of the problem. Hiding behind the second ammendment is whatever, you can have your other guns, but fighting against a ban on automatic weapons purely for the sake of it is what keeps enabling killers to do what they do. Fuck the, "our forefathers wanted us to have guns" bullshit, they sure as hell didn't want us committing these kinds of atrocities with them. Along with that ban on automatic weapons shoud be a longer waiting period when buying any gun because, again, we've seen what happens when people buy on impulse; they shoot themselves in a depression, they shoot someone else out of rage, people do all kinds of stupid shit with guns. Will a longer waiting period stop all crimes of passion? Of course not. But it will have an impact. Will a ban on automatic weapons go a long way in preventing the next mass shooting? Absolutely.
If theaters, malls, schools and nightclubs are no longer safe, then worse atrocities in other public places are surely on the horizon. In the aftermath of 9/11, the airline industry took a major hit since people were afraid to fly, even afraid to go into airports. We didn't see it coming the first time, how could we know if something else was in the works? Terror attacks are meant to strike fear and cause panic, the terrorists want you afraid to go places and always looking over your shoulder. It's a two-headed monster that kills a large amount of people and traumatizes those who weren't even where the attack took place. That fear after 9/11 lingered for years, I remember discussing with my girlfriend how scared we were just to go to sleep that night, and we weren't even near NYC. I no longer go to clubs, but I can't say I'd be concerned about me or a loved one going to one after this shooting. The same way I don't think twice about going to a mall or a movie theater. Why is that? Yes, 9/11 killed far more people than any single mass shooting has so far, but a terror attack is a terror attack. Just because some unhinged kid in Connecticut commits mass murder, doesn't mean a kid somewhere else in the country won't do the same thing. It's like when someone is killed in a small town and people say, "Stuff like that doesn't happen around here," even though it just did. These shootings can happen literally anywhere; any city, any state, any public place. But we've become so numb to it, and to violence in general, that we simply mourn the dead and go on with our lives. Each shooting is a footnote in history, partially because there are so damn many of them. The same experts and analysts will be on the same news networks talking about what needs to happen in order to prevent another Orlando from happening, much like when they were talking about preventing another Newtown or Virginia Tech. Take away the guns, encourage people to report the warning signs, expand the reach of programs for the mentally ill. But none of it ever comes to fruition. How many more people, how many more kids, have to die before shit finally changes?
This latest shooting is the first one Miss N has asked questions about. She's at an age where she's comprehending the world around her in a much bigger way and asking questions about what she doesn't yet understand. Anyone who thinks guns aren't a huge part of the problem should try explaining a mass shooting to their 8-year-old. If you can do that and still come out of it believing that regulating guns would provide no benefit, then gold star for you. This kinda thing wasn't happening when I was a kid. My mom had to explain many things to us, but never why someone stormed into a public place and slaughtered dozens of people. She never had to reassure us that a trip to the movies was safe. And as much as we reassure our kids and, to some extent ourselves, that public places are safe, the reality is the next shooting could be in our own city, in a store or mall we frequent, in a school our children attend. And unfortunately, it doesn't look as if any steps will be taken to prevent the next tragedy from happening. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

It's Too Late To Say You're Sorry, How Would I Know, Why Should I Care?

Mentioning BP at all on the blog is like saying, "Bloody Mary" three times in front of a damn mirror - it causes her to reappear, ya'll. We hadn't spoken for quite some time and the last time we spoke had ended so badly that I'd blocked her number and her emails to prevent any further contact. Unfortunately, my phone company only allows a three month block on numbers before they expire. You can renew them again and again, but I forgot and thus BP was able to sneak on through. She did her typical routine of testing the waters, sending just, "Hi" and waiting for a response. Days later I answered by asking what she wanted and she launched into a multi-text rant about how much she misses me and "would do whatever" to get me back. When I was less than impressed with all of that, she said she didn't know how to get rid of her feelings for me and tried to play up how lonely she is traveling the world for work and having nothing to come home to. I said I was sure she'd find a way to get rid of her feelings and suggested she find a hobby if her life was lacking excitement, to which she replied, "You've gotten cold". I didn't take kindly to that and said as much, and she decided to switch gears and say she knew we weren't all the way finished and she just wanted to be with me and didn't understand why we couldn't just exchange texts while she was gone and then go out when she got home. And I was flabbergasted. For a good year, probably longer than that, I hung on to shit and played by her rules and she'd given me nothing but apathy. I was quite clear when it ended that it was done for good and I wasn't going to double back and recycle her. And here she was asking for yet another chance and failing to comprehend that another chance was not an option. I told her I was done, I couldn't do this ish and wouldn't allow myself to fall back into the cycle, and she asked if I wanted her to leave me alone. Before I could answer, I got a message that said she intended to text me everyday whether I wanted her to or not. I said I never should've responded to her and got back, "I'm in Germany sitting at a penny slot", like we were having some casual conversation. I asked if she was okay because I was genuinely concerned something mental was going on, the way she was jumping from accepting the end to trying to avoid it altogether was odd. She said she was having a "big issue", and that it was her work life sucking and having to travel constantly for it and feeling alone. I told her I got all of that being a pain, but that I couldn't help her with any of it since we're over and we're not friends. We exchanged a few more messages (including a handful of her trying to give me the third degree about my personal life), before she dropped off and I didn't hear from her for about a week. But I knew I would eventually. And I was right.
Yesterday she texted me again, talking about how her upcoming week was going to be hell and insinuating she wanted me to get her through it. I'd previously told her not to text me anymore, so she shifted gears and asked if I'd be on WhatsApp if she wanted to get a hold of me and I said she wouldn't need to. I was about to get on a plane so I asked if she had any last words and what does she say? "I love you". My initial reaction was *gag*. I could almost feel the desperation coming from her end of the line, and I wondered why she was even bothering to try and keep me in the fold. Many, many, MANY times we'd "ended" things, only to pick back up with her promising to be better at communication and then promptly spit me back out whenever it suited her. I have neither the interest, nor the patience for that dance anymore. I said I didn't buy it and didn't wanna hear it, but she continued, "Yes, I still do. Have a safe flight, love. I'm gonna keep saying it.". Had I not been just about to take off, I would've told her the only reason she's going to keep saying it is to convince her damn self that it's true, but I didn't get the chance. She repeated it yet again and I had to ask why she doing this shit, to which she replied, "Because sometimes love covers all...And I'm not leaving you.". I wanted to say, "No, you're not leaving me. I'm leaving you and this BS behind," but I refrained. I said "love", and especially faux love, wasn't covering anything this time and told her to take care. She asked if we could talk later in the week and I said no and requested she say goodbye. To my surprise, she complied - but then came, "Have a good trip. I love you.". That, I didn't reply to.
The thing that I always marveled at with BP was how she thought her charm would carry her back into my good graces, no matter how badly she'd fucked up, or how mean she'd been. But she wasn't even that charming, and I don't break that easily. I don't know what prompted this latest contact, but I have a feeling it has to do with her being alone overseas, annoyed at the state of her life and thinking I'm somehow the answer to her woes. What's sad about that is she's in the exact same spot she was in when we were a thing; still always on the verge of getting fired, still traveling too much for work, still unhappy with her life in general. I'm a very caring person by nature, which is why it was so difficult for me to fully let go in the first place, and I was saddened to hear how unhappy she is. In the past, she'd resurface, we'd argue for a day, then agree to put a Band-Aid on shit and the cycle would repeat again, and it would stall any progress I'd been making in trying to move on from her. But this occasion was very different. I found myself almost instantly annoyed when I saw her number come up, and I kept that wall of annoyance up the entire time we spoke. Everything is so dramatic with her, everything is feast or famine and I remembered how exhausting it was to live with that kind of thinking. I know she was grasping at straws with the, "I love you" stuff, but I just couldn't buy in. I don't honestly know if she took me seriously last night when I said goodbye, survey says probably not, so I blocked her number again just in case. And I emailed her this morning, one line saying we need to not speak again. I've no idea when she'll actually get that message since her wifi access is spotty, but I would not be surprised if she attempts to WhatsApp me in the coming days (apparently I can't block her on there). But I gotta ignore anything else she sends down the line. There's no point in responding to it, she just latches on to that small bit of contact and tries to forget we're not a thing anymore. I hope she does find a way out of the rut she's in though. I don't like her, I hate who I became during our entanglement, but I don't wish badly on anyone.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Soul Food

It all started out so innocently...

Me: Buy me some food. And also, pay for my food.
G: You putting out?

Me: No.
G: Then buy your own food.

Me: Great! I accept your offer to buy me food.
G: A gentleman always pays!

Me: That's when we were dating and neither of us had kids.
G: Kids eat free! And you will too if you do me a favor.

Me: Anything!
G: Watch Mr. M for me on Thursday.
Me: Oh. Then no.
G: LOL. So you want to eat free only as long as it doesn't inconvenience you at all.
Me: Pretty much lol
G: lol Ass.

And then...

G: What happened to the high school friend? I thought ya'll were still talking?
Me: Nah. Never spoke again after I left. Vibe wasn't right anyway though. It's funny; when I was young and stupid, chicks wanted to marry me. Now that I'm old and wise, the well has run dry.
G: I never wanted to marry you.
Me: Thank you for the reminder.
G: And you're not old and wise. But I get what you mean. I need to work on my own stuff before I get into something again, but you're ready for something serious.
Me: Yeah...
G: But you need to summon a little of that bastard thing you had going back in the day and set higher standards. You need someone who calls you on your crap and makes you WANT to put in the effort everyday. And somebody who you gel with on more than one or two levels. I'm looking for men, not boys. You need to start looking for women, not girls.
Me: You know what? I came here for free food, not to get my weave snatched and told what my problem is, thank you very much.
G: But I'm not wrong...
Me: True.

The problem with someone who knows you well is that they know you well. #SheRightTho

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Let's Get Phallical

Agent W and I had some trying times in the month of May. She took a walk with her dog yesterday to shake off the negativity and posted a pic to Facebook. And then...well...

Me: What is the purple phallic thing sticking outta your backpack in the pic with the dog?
W: LOL. That's a baggie for picking up dog doo. I had just pulled some out to give to an unprepared owner.
Me: Oh thank god. I was concerned for your safety.
W: lol No you weren't.
Me: Ok, I wasn't. I was actually wondering which category I was gonna list the video under on PornHub.
W: LOL. That, I do believe.
W: I'm feeling romantical.
Me: You should. Not every girl has a husband who tries to profit off her sexual proclivities.
W: lol Oh right, that. Yes, that's why.
Me: Whyfore?
W: No reason, really. But today I can stand listening to love songs.
Me: Because you less bittah, after your long, phallic walk.
Me: And now you realize that you're every woman. And anythang you want done baby. You gotta do your damn self.
W: LOL. Makes sense.
W: I'm too tired and sore to be bitter.
Me: I'ma print that on a t-shirt for my one night womensz to wear lol.
W: LOL. And on the back  - #StickyAndFullOfRegret
Me: lol YES. I need to copyright this now.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

This Is A Story Of A Male Female Threat To Society

My BFF has been enamored with Johnny Depp pretty much her entire life. I cannot tell you how many of his movies I have been forced to sit through, some of them multiple times. Of course, she's also followed his personal life and was disappointed when he broke up with his longtime girlfriend and mother of his two kids. She was even more dismayed when it widely reported that a contributing factor to the breakup was Depp's infatuation with actress Amber Heard. I remember a conversation Y and I had shortly after the two announced their engagement in which she said she had a bad feeling about the whole deal. And, well, she was right. In case you've been living under a rock, Heard very publicly filed for divorce last week after a mere 15 months of marriage, and followed that up by filing for a restraining order based on accusations that Depp abused her. When people widely disbelieved her account of him having allegedly thrown an iPhone at her face and striking her, she lawyered up and released photos of her injury. The LAPD had responded to a domestic dispute on the night in question, but she refused to press charges and said it had just been a loud argument. Officers have stated multiple times that they did not see any signs of physical violence at the residence, and no sign of any injuries to her. So of course, the next day Heard's attorneys release more stories of other abuse incidents that took place during their marriage, partnering with "People" magazine (for a price, I'm sure) to tell the story of how she's a "hero". Gag.
Lest you have read this far and believe I'm anti-woman or believing the man's story simply because I am a man, let me make some things perfectly clear. I have not decided which side is telling the truth, and a large part of that is because domestic violence is an issue close to my heart, one that has existed in my own family on more than one occasion. My biological great grandfather was a manipulative, violent SOB that ruined many lives. My aunt's ex-husband took a swing at her before she put him out and never spoke to him again. Another aunt lived for years with one abuser, only to break free and end up with another one. Even my mother has had experience with domestic abuse. I'm not one to side with a man in an abuse case in some misguided male solidarity. But I will tell you this - Heard is shady as fuck and came off that way long before she became Depp's wife. And that's what makes it difficult for me to believe what she's saying about all of this alleged abuse that took place. She didn't come out with the abuse story until the public scoffed at her divorce filing. She's been lashing out every chance she gets through her lawyers about how the media is portraying her as a golddigger when she is actually a victim. Yet she has not filed a police report or asked for an investigation and possible charges against Depp. I find that very telling. If she had all her ducks in a row and good representation, she would've had the abuse documented the night it happened by the police and filed for the restraining order then, and that would've strengthened her case in the divorce significantly. Properly documented abuse is a game changer in divorce cases like this. Instead, she sent the cops away and later had friends take pictures of her injuries, which apparently they also did for her during previous fights. There are few reasons not to file a police report on this latest fight; she was too afraid to do so (doubtful since she wasn't afraid to call the cops in the first place), she didn't know it would be their last fight (also doubtful since it sounds like she'd been planning to leave for awhile), or nothing actually happened and she's at least wise enough to know that she could be charged with filing a false report if found out. Very curious, indeed. Add to that the fact that Heard's finances were disclosed and girl spends money like it's going out of style. Three-hundred dollars on laundry, thousands on vacations and gifts and eating out. In my opinion, 15 months of marriage should not be enough to get spousal support, even if there was abuse in the marriage. And that "lifestyle I've become accustomed to" crap should only apply when there are children involved. As I said, I don't know who's telling the truth but parts of all this scream that she just wants out of the marriage and with all the cash she can grab. Depp has been awfully quiet which makes it seem like maybe he knows something the rest of us don't and is waiting for the case to go to court before he shows his hand. But whether it's true or not, he's learning a valuable lesson - don't break up your happy, settled home life just because you're infatuated with a chick that everybody told you was gonna turn you out eventually.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

But Where Were They Going Without Every Knowing The Way

Well, it actually happened - the "teenager" graduated from COLLEGE. And I'm equal parts proud and depressed. I still remember my own college graduation and it seems like it wasn't long ago, until I do the math and realize it was 12 years ago. Ouchie. But let's focus on the good news here - I successfully put a kid through college. And, oh yeah, she successfully made it through college and got a degree. I guess she should be proud too.
Twas nearly a decade ago when the teenager, then actually a teenager, was dropped on my doorstep. Her mother had passed away when she was young and she hadn't had an easy go of it with her father in the years that followed. When her father and my cousin got together in high school, her parents were less than thrilled that this dude their daughter loved had a daughter of his own at such a young age. But it all kinda worked. He and his youngin became family, to the point where my aunt and uncle eventually adopted his younger brothers (one of these being the gay cousin, I swear I'm gonna do a chart here someday to show who's who in my family #Mexicans). My cousin was a stabilizing influence on the teenager, but once her dad and the cousin split, he spent more and more time away from the family, isolating the two of them. And he had trouble relating to his daughter, in a more severe way than most dads probably do. By the time she was 15, things hit a fever pitch and she regularly began running to me for help. Being on the fringes of the Dark Ages, all I could do was let her chill out for awhile and tell her things had to get better eventually. When they didn't, she came my way and begged to live with me. I thought, "Oh, hell no" initially, but when I realized how bad things were for her at home I had to seriously consider taking her in. G turned out to be the one to make the decision for me. I poured out my feelings to her and asked what I should do and all she said was, "There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're mean to be. It's easy.". Mind you, G already had nieces and nephews who were teenagers so her experience with such things far outweighed mine. But knowing she'd be there to help me navigate it all helped me decide that the teenager and I could probably make it to 18 without one of us dying. Couldn't be that difficult, right?
I didn't know it then, but taking in the teenager would turn out to be a lifelong commitment. I came to view her in the same light I view Miss N - she's one of my kids. Neither of us knew where we'd end up, we both assumed the arrangement would last a few years and that would be that. Anytime you have a kid, you're venturing into the unknown but it's a whole new ballgame when you inherit a teenager. At that time, she was just trying to make it to legal adulthood so she could do her own thing, had no eye for the future, no plans for what to do once she reached adulthood. And now she's a college graduate. That's pretty nifty. Even better than all that is she's grown up to be an amazing young woman (I feel too young to be using that term) who is smart, funny, empathetic and talented. We never could've imagined the journey would bring us to where we are now. I'm proud of her. And as G (who came to the festivities since it's all her fault anyway) pointed out, I should be proud of me for not mucking the whole thing up. I was a mess of a manwhore when the teenager and I got thrown together and it very easily could've turned out to be the worst situation ever. But we made it work. And now she can support me in my old age. Or probably not since college degrees don't get you much these days. But that's a battle for another time. Right now we bask in the awesomeness of having made it this far. Congrats, kid!

Monday, May 16, 2016

Dammn, Baby

If you read here, you know I love me some Janet, though I'm not as cray cray about her as I once was. I'm still a big fan, but I had trouble supporting the crap music her troll of an ex-boyfriend threw at us for years. That said, her latest album is fantastic and I was hopeful her tour would follow suit. Her last few tours were...lacking, to say the least. She didn't even take a full band with her, settling on pre-recorded music for one tour and a three piece band and DJ for another. I didn't go to either because I refuse to pay for glorified karaoke, no matter who is singing it, but thought about attending this year's tour. And then I found out she was still carrying only a three piece band and only doing a handful of songs off her new album, and not even the best songs. I opted not to take a friend up on an offer for tickets and it's a good thing I did because the tour was postponed indefinitely once news broke that JJ is expecting - at 50 years of age. Normally, I'm not one to judge others on life decisions because it's not like I make the best life decisions my damn self. However, I have to say I don't quite understand a few things about her current situation, such as the timing.
Much of Janet's 2016 had already been spent postponing tour dates, supposedly because of vocal issues. And then came the big announcement a few months back that she urgently needed some kinda medical care and would have to put the whole thing on hold for an undetermined amount of time. People worried about her health, especially with the previous health woes early in the year, but she said it wasn't that serious and the story died down. Weeks before her 50th birthday, it was announced that she's with child and, oops, there goes the remainder of the 2016 tour dates. Supposedly, 2017 will be when the tour resumes but let's be real - it's highly unlikely a new mother, and one of her age, will be heading out on tour. This isn't a 20-year-old pop starlet who's gonna snap back into fighting shape within a few months. What I don't get is why she and her husband planned this (presumably) IVF business during a damn tour. It's not like the tour just came up outta nowhere and it's also not like she just happened to get knocked up the old-fashioned way, which is kinda what it seems like she wants us to believe. The second postponement screams something along the lines of needing to take a break because the IVF may actually be working. It's nearly impossible to have an, "Oops" baby at 50. And though it does happen, one would have to have some kinda luck to be; A Jackson, an international pop legend, have a husband a few decades their junior, AND get naturally knocked up by the husband at an advanced age all in one lifetime. Clearly, they were trying for a kid so why even plan a tour? Even if you thought a baby was a long shot, the cost of scrapping the whole thing (and the fan outrage over the ticket fiasco) has to be more costly than just never scheduling it in the first place. And it's not like she needed the money, she's and millionaire married to a billionaire. I don't get that line of thinking at all. Just release your album, give thanks that it was well-received and retreat to the desert to have a kid.
The other thing I don't understand is any the hell anyone has kids after a certain age. I'm 35 and I question whether it's responsible for me to procreate within the next five years, and I certainly won't reproduce after 40. Men believe we have all the time in the world to have kids, and many do so well into their 50's and even 60's, but just because you can doesn't mean you should. What isn't as prominent in news stories about autism as vaccination is the link between older fathers and autism. Granted, that isn't an issue in Janet's situation since her husband is fairly young, but it's something I doubt many older potential fathers think about. The main thing in this case is the age of the mother. Kids are exhausting. Egg-zaust-ing. At every age, nearly everyday. Keeping up with an 8-year-old at my age is a challenge, I can't imagine doing so while pushing 60. Not to mention the generational gap. I remember one or two friends in my school days having older parents who were mistaken as grandparents, and I don't remember either of them boasting about the experience. I don't think it's fair to the kid to have them so late in life. Ideally, we get to grow old with our parents before we have to say goodbye to them, but kids with much older parents don't even get that option. They're cheated right off the bat. I will be 45 when Miss N graduates high school and nearly 50 when she graduates college. If she gets married in her twenties (which she won't since she's my kid) or her thirties, there's a decent chance I'll be around to see it. But if I have a kid next year, the chances I'd be there for its wedding go down dramatically. I'd have to make it til 70 to see that one walk down an aisle. And with my health history and the potential problems that may already lie ahead, that's pretty iffy. My child would be cheated out of the chance of my being at their wedding because I made the selfish choice to have them so late in life. And here's where the other side says, "Well, not everyone finds the right person early in life", and I can sympathize with that. But maybe it's not your path to have a kid if that's the case. Miss N wasn't planned and had she not happened, I'd be single and childless right now. Maybe I'd be okay with that, maybe I wouldn't, but my stance on not procreating after a certain age would still be the same. And the risk of complications of a woman carrying a child at that age are huge, for both mother and baby. The baby could have birth defects or a disease and the mother could have any number of health problems that may follow her the rest of her life, potentially shortening that life and taking those years with mom away from the child. Obviously, I hope all goes well with the latest Jackson and everyone emerges healthy. To each their own on how they live their life and all that.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Me, I'm The One You Chose, Out Of All The People, You Wanted Me The Most

My cousin is getting married next month to someone our family just freakin' adores. AK is a mess, but she's fun and hilarious and has done wonders my cousin A's confidence. His ex put him through the ringer after they broke up, so it's been awesome to see him move on and find the kind of happiness he has now. The two of them are crazy about each other and neither can believe they get to marry the other one. I had a convo with a friend last night about the impending nuptials and she made a comment about how nice it must be "to have someone choose you". I've been sitting with that thought for awhile now and she's right, it is nice when that happens. It happened to me once, but I was too young to appreciate it. The first love and I were back and forth and on and off many, many times. Youth and inexperience kept both of us from truly appreciating what we had. But in college, she was the first to fully grasp how special we could be together and when we got back together for what would turn out to be the last time, we had a long talk about our past mistakes. I asked her what made it this go round any different from all the other ones, why I should trust that we weren't going to fail again, and she said I should trust it because she'd learned from all the past ish and she was choosing me and would continue to choose me for the rest of her life. And she did. And though our time together was cut very short, I never did doubt she was serious about her commitment of putting us before all else. I don't think I really understood how rare that is, or how lucky I was to have experienced it, until this conversation yesterday.
To know someone would absolutely choose you over all else, and not think twice about it, is a beautiful thing. It's also rare in that not everyone gets to experience that, and not everyone is genuine when they say they would choose you over all else. The way the cousin and AK feel about each other has evolved over the last few years. They were introduced by a mutual friend and it was kind of a slow burn because AK thought A wanted to fast track marriage and kids (he didn't) and A thought AK may not have been too keen on adulthood (I mean, who is, really? But while she talks a good game about being immature, she actually has her crap together...well, kinda). Then, they had an ugly-ish break-up in 2014 that resulted in them not even speaking for a few months (AK says the catalyst to end the silence was hearing Toni Braxton's "Another Sad Love Song" multiple times within a one week span). Even when they got back together it was touch and go because A had dated someone else during the time apart and it didn't sit well with AK. But they found a rhythm last year and you could tell they were low-key crazy about one another. Late last year, a number of our friends walked down the aisle (traitors!) and it sparked a convo between them about marriage and the future and all that and, somehow in the chaos, A decided to propose. They ditched being low-key crazy and became all out crazy about each other, not caring who knew it. It's sweet, actually. I look forward to the wedding and I hope someday I get to experience the same thing (sans wedding, of course) of someone choosing me and me choosing them and all feeling right with the world. That'd be nifty.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

There Has Been An Awakening

It was 84 years ago (okay, more like ten) when Miss R and I first played "Lego Star Wars" on the Wii. The game was awesome, taking us through all 6 episodes of the "Star Wars" series, but we grew uninterested with it when certain parts of the game seemed too difficult. We put it down, only to pick it back up a few years ago on the Xbox 360, starting from scratch and getting about halfway through the game. Last week we finally did what was once the impossible - we got to 100% completion of the game. And it wasn't easy. And I didn't wanna do it, but once we got to about 80%, the kid exploited how much I adore her to get me to things I hated in order to finish the game. And apparently being a pushover for the little ladies is the way to the hearts of the older womensz:

Her: You're a good uncle
Me: Why? Because I let a teenage girl bully me? lol
Her: Yes. It's kinda sexy.

Me: Well stick around for eight more years when Miss N, Miss M and Miss L are all teenagers at the same time. I'ma be all kindsa sexy then.
Her: lol It's a deal.