What The Hell?

You would think cutting a friend/ex out of your life that you've known for a long time would be difficult. For me, it wasn't a huge strain just because I think I'd been expecting to have to step away from her for quite some time. In the month or so that we've not been speaking, I can honestly say I haven't thought of her once. I've been so happy with the person I'm with and with everything going on in my life that I haven't had the time to think about her. So imagine my shock when this person I'm not talking to showed up at my door. And it was not a good reunion. Not at all. It was like something snapped in her head and, since she was in town, she decided to come by and make my life difficult. I had such a wonderful yesterday and today wasn't going too bad and now this. Seriously, the first words out of her mouth when she walked in were, 'Are you seriously gonna marry this girl?'. Not exactly how you wanna start a conversation. I don't know what she heard or where she heard it but those words started quite the argument.
Here's what I don't get - for months now, all I've heard about is how happy she is with her boyfriend/fiance/whatever he is and how he is likely the one for her. When I was alone, it didn't bother me. Now, it doesn't bother me. But if you're soooooo happy with this dude, why are you at my door demanding that I justify my decisions to you?? It's like she just doesn't get that our personal lives are no longer entangled. What I do has absolutely no effect on what she does. I get that she still feels like we should be together. She feels like this arrangement of all or nothing isn't fair but obviously she can't handle anything but that.
I'm happy right now and I can't believe she can't accept that. I would never, ever show up at any one's door and demand something from them if I knew they were happy and moved on. I don't know her as well as I used to but I still get the feeling that she's not telling me all of the reasons why she won't let go. And I don't know how to make her tell me what's going on. And part of me doesn't wanna know. Sadly, another part doesn't care.

Hat Trick

Just when I thought it was safe to call it a recovery, I ended up in my second home, the ER, again last night. That makes three times in exactly a week. Only this time it wasn't an internal injury, it was an accident at my house. I was walking into my nephews' room when I realized that one of the screws on his door was coming undone and sticking out. So I decided to abandon my original mission of getting his shoe and instead go get a screwdriver and fix the door. Then, he shot off into the room, running at full speed, to get his shoes himself and I took off after him to make sure he didn't cut the corner too short and cut himself. Guess who did cut the corner too short and cut his arm? Yeah, me. While for most people this would be no big deal, you'd get a band-aid and move on with your life, I could very well bleed to death from even a small cut (yet another fun side effect of my meds), and this wasn't exactly small. So I grab the kid, grab a friend from across the hall and head to the hospital. The nurse at the desk is the same one who has helped care for me the last two visits and the look on her face was priceless. Seriously, how many people vacation every few days at their local hospital? She already knew why the cut was a big deal and she grabbed this gauze looking pad from the supply room and stuck it right on my arm. The bleeding immediately stopped. She sent me home with a box of these pads later on. Anyway, she said she should just let me go home and forget the entire visit happened, since I'd been their best customer lately. But no...she was concerned that I may have lost a little too much blood on the way over and so I had to stay for an hour to get tests. Thankfully, everything checked out and I got to go home at a reasonable time. I totally owe that chick coffee or something. So, I got the hat trick in hospital visits and I hope that'll be it for a long time to come. NOW, I'm hopeful that a full recovery is next.

Still Unwell

I spent my weekend on the couch. Not by choice, but because breathing issues forced another doctor visit and his advice was to relax. I thought that's what I'd been doing but apparently not. Taking it easy is not at all an easy thing for me to do. From the time I get up in the morning, until the wee hours of the night, I'm always doing something. Very rarely do I actually just sit down and do nothing. It feels like a waste of time to me. But the girlfriend has layed down the law and informed me that resting is exactly what I'll be doing for the foreseeable future. On the bright side, I've gotten to spend a ton of time with the Mrs.
Last night, while out filling yet another prescription at the store, the Mrs. ran into an old friend of her sister, whom she used to date. It was obvious to her that this guy still felt something for her and he asked for her number, so he could call her and get her sister's number later on (she'd left her phone in the car). Sensing what was going on, she got his number instead to pass it on to her sister, then she came home and we launched into a conversation about our exes (during a rare moment of drug-free clarity for me). She was never really serious about this guy but she broke it off after he made it clear that he only wanted to hook up with her and nothing more because she's not the same race as him. She didn't see the point in sticking around anymore. Nothing surprises either of us about our pasts or past loves. We've both dated all kinds of colors and faiths and it doesn't seem like a big deal to us. I can honestly say that I've never thought twice about going out with anyone because of their color. And I've never felt like there was less of a chance of things working out because our colors or faiths were different. My family is one of the most tolerant bunch of people I know, so maybe that's why I don't think in terms of color. I wouldn't be here if not for an interfaith/racial relationship. My Grandma was Hispanic and Catholic and my Grandpa was white and a Southern Baptist. But they were also both stubborn and decided they were in love and that was that. My Grandpa was in the process of converting his religion so they could get re-married in a church, when he died. I think it's great that we live in a society that's growing more tolerant of mixed relationships. My girlfriend is a product of an interracial relationship and so is our daughter. As are a good amount of my nieces and nephews. I understand that some people would rather marry someone who is their own color or faith. I can see how that would make things somewhat easier. But I don't get those who completely close themselves off to the possibility of even dating anyone outside their race. The way I see it, you go with who you're drawn to. Who cares what color they are? Relationships are work either way. My girlfriend and I aren't an interfaith couple, but we are interracial. And that is, surprisingly, still a problem for some people. We get looked at when we're out together and our daughter (who has almost blonde hair, almost green eyes and darker skin) is always stared at. I'd like to think because she's so gorgeous but I know that it's likely for other reasons sometimes. Why the hate? Why not just accept that everyone loves differently and that people can be very proud of their heritage while dating someone of another background?

Parental Second Thoughts

While spending two fun-filled days and nights in the hospital this week for brain/head issues (nothing a few more meds couldn't cure, apparently), I had very little to do but watch cableless t.v. and sleep. I tried to get as much sleep as I could, but it was a hospital so that proved difficult. I had like twenty channels to choose from on this t.v and ended up watching some show called 'The Baby Borrowers'. Basically, they throw these teenage couples who feel that they're ready to be parents into a cul-de-sac and toss other people's kids on them. The first week is babies and then toddlers, pre-teens and, this week, teenagers. I had a feeling these rent-a-kids on this show were gonna run their pseudo parents into the ground and boy was I right. These kids had absolutely no manners at all. But they didn't have to do much to get on the nerves of the 'parents' because a few of their romantic relationships were already coming apart before the kids arrived. It was interesting to see how their arguing affected these kids who weren't even theirs. Most of them were children of divorce already and they'd only been with these 'parents' a few hours or days and already thought all the arguing was about them. That was kinda sad. If you read anything in this blog previously, you know that I'm on a magical mystery journey with the teenager I'm the legal guardian of. She turns 18 next month, but is still gonna be living with me as she starts college. I've known her since she was a kid and even though I've only had to deal with the later stages of child rearing, I feel so old. I felt all warm and fuzzy when she graduated a few months back and now she's getting set for college and I kinda understand why my mom acted the way she did when I was going off to college. I'm attached to this kid and we've only been living together seven months. I can't imagine how I'm gonna feel about my baby daughter after a full 18 years. It's been interesting and enlightening and crazy just how much I had to alter my life for someone who as pretty much developed all of her motor skills already (as in the teen). This is not at all where I thought I'd be halfway through 2008, but I guess it is where I'm meant to be. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything (although I could do without all the groping and ogling from her friends). I got to talking last night with my girlfriend about future kids. I've wanted to be a dad since I was nine years old. And then I went through a period of 'I'm not so sure'. I love kids, no doubt about that. I'm the happiest man alive when I'm goofing off with my nieces and nephews. My daughter has me completely wrapped around her little finger. But I felt like this was/is such a harsh world to bring children into. I guess the universe had other plans for me though and I couldn't be happier about that. I'm at the stage where I get all of the fun stuff, you know? Everything is new and I'm having a blast. My girlfriend (that title is back) has talked about having another one sometime soon. I don't know about that. We're still not yet on solid ground (though it's getting better all the time) and I really don't want another one now. Maybe it's another kind of selfish phase. But this time around, instead of being devoted to my own wants, I'm devoted to being with this little person and having her to myself. I think part of it is that I don't know that I could ever love anybody more than I love her. She's the one thing that I've ever done completely right in my life and, the more the merrier they say, but I really think she may be it for me. Never say never.

The Dark Knight

I was a big fan of the 'Batman' movies of the 90's and even got hooked on the way old version for awhile when I was a kid. I was never into comic books of any sort, so I only knew Batman through the movies. I don't care what anyone says, I liked the 90's movies. They were just fun, not to mention Michelle Pfeiffer was hot as Catwoman. When 'Batman Begins' came out in 2005, I wasn't at all excited to see it. I didn't wanna dip into the psychology of Batman, I mean...he's Batman, we all know why he does what he does. (What remains a mystery, however, is how no one recognizes he's Bruce Wayne once he covers the top part of his face, but I digress.) But I watched it last summer on FX, just out of sheer boredom, and actually really enjoyed it (except for Tom Cruise's pet, Katie Holmes), and have been looking forward to the sequel ever since.
In January, when Heath Ledger passed away, it hit me somewhat hard. Part of the reason was likely because I had a similar incident with perscription drugs last year that landed me in the hospital for a week. The other part is because I've always thought of him as an amazing actor. This was someone with such a rare talent to just literally become someone else for long stretches of filming. Someone who was doing what he loved and never cared at all about the accolades. And even sadder was the fact that he left behind such a beautiful daughter who will never truly know her father (that gets me a lot too). I went and saw 'The Dark Knight' this weekend, like just about every other person on the planet, and I have to say it was incredibly well done. Everyone's been talking about a possible Oscar nomination for Heath and I can't say I disagree at all. He played the role of 'The Joker' absolutely unapologetically. He was a terrorist with no rhyme or reason to what he was doing. As it's explained to Bruce Wayne, he just wanted to watch the world burn. (Why anyone would wanna live in Gotham anyway is beyond me.) And he had a point in some of his random ramblings. There is no him without the vigilante Batman. And good cannot exist without evil and what a fine line it is between the two. The make-up, the voice, the laugh...it was all perfect. Everytime he left the screen, all you wanted to do was see his next scene. Even though you know it's him playing the role, there was absolutely no sign of the man, only his character. That's damn good acting. It is a sad moment when you hear the Joker tell Batman they could be engaged in this battle forever. I could've watched them go at it for two or three more movies and it seems like the Joker was indeed set up to return in the next film. Sadly, we know he won't and walking out of the theater, that's what really got me. This movie would have made him an absolute star and given him access to any role he wanted in the future. You leave this movie wanting to see more from him. Wanting to see what he would do next. Wanting another Batman movie. And then you realize it isn't going to happen. You realize that this is it - his last full film. And what a talent we lost.

Ready, Set, Settle?

I had kind of a boring weekend but I came across something online that kinda shocked me for a second. Just because it was so right on and I hadn't even thought of it. It was an article by some shrink that pointed out that when a person isn't ready to commit, they'll find little things that aren't good about the person they're dating to start to distance themselves. Eventually, all the little "problems" with the person give you a reason to break it off. It was like this chick had watched me in my previous relationships. If I decided to apply myself at all, I would eventually find a way to f*ck it all up and find something that I didn't like about her. I always thought it was just because of the hang ups in my head but apparently the reason I did it could be because I wasn't ready to be with any one person.
I was happy to realize that I've yet to try and do any of that with the mother of my child. I typically move slow (defense mechanism, I assume) but once I feel comfortable I'm quick to settle for the moment. However our relationship has been different this time around because it began as a fling for the moment and then evolved into, well, parenthood. The first time we dated, she was in the midst of a bad divorce and I was spiraling and still very much reeling from the death of the one I loved. Not ideal conditions but we really cared about each other. And we still do, even more so because we're connected through this amazing little person (who is now 3 mos. old, by the way). She never wanted to do the marriage thing again and I never want to do it period (but don't tell my mom) so it worked. I think this relationship has become so difficult now because we've forgotten how we ended up entangled in the first place.
I take you back to a beautiful late summer day in NYC in 2003 (like my rhymes?) when I was fixing a cable on the set of a show. I was in a trailer making sure all of the connections were tight when the door open and slammed into my rear end. This gorgeous woman walks in and apologizes for hitting me. Our eyes meet, she says, 'Wow, you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in my entire life,' gives me her number and the next night we went on our first date. The conversation was perfect and the attraction was ridiculously strong. We took it slow and eventually settled into a fairly old-fashioned kind of relationship. But, of course, there are always problems. Ours was her eventual ex-husband trying to get all he could in their divorce settlement and my reluctance to deal with my dead girlfriend issues. Still, we found something in each other and we wanted to hold onto it. We even talked of (and briefly tried) to have a baby but it wasn't meant to be (at the time). About a year and a half later, our issues caught up to us and we decided to split up even though we still felt very strongly about each other. She went her way and I went mine.
After an initial cooling off period we started talking every now and then whenever we had a minute, but only as friends. Then in the middle of last year she got out of a relationship and I was single and fate threw us together again. Then came baby. We had nine months of being completely devoted to this girl and how she would change our lives but we haven't focused on each other and what it means to be together now. I think that's what's been bothering me. We haven't really had any one on one time to find out if this is where we want and need to be. We've been on auto-pilot and that's never a good thing. We need to give this a legitimate shot for each other, not just for the baby. And if it works, that's fantastic. And if it doesn't, we need to be mature enough to know that and move on. Brand new eyes.

A Night On The Town

I went to sleep early last night because I was still shaking some jet lag. At around 3 in the morning, I wake up and hear some kind of tapping outside my window, which is odd since my window is a couple of stories up. I pay no attention to it and roll over and try to go back to sleep. Then I start thinking about how weird it was that that kind of tapping woke me up so easily. I'm a fairly sound sleeper and I live in the city, and have all of my life, so I'm used to sleeping through gunshots and horns honking and all that stuff. As I'm thinking about this, more tapping outside and then my phone rings. "Do you not hear me flinging things at your window right now? Come outside." I recognized the voice and, reluctantly and only half awake, headed downstairs.
I'd never realized how dark my street can be at night. It's probably not a street you should walk down all alone. Fortunately, I had a friend along for the ride and what a ride it would turn out to be. It wasn't a voice I expected to hear when I answered the phone, the author of the letter that has caused so much of a ruckus. We decided not to talk or communicate because it was complicating things. But we can't live without each other either. So we hop into her car and just start cruising around the city. No clue where we're headed, me sitting in the passenger seat pouring out my heart about my predicament. I can't even recall where we ended up but we sat outside and talked and then it just starts to pour all of a sudden. We ran over to the doorway of a nearby building and sat there for what seemed like forever, until the rain stopped and then watched the sun come up. We eventually made our way to breakfast and then I got home around nine and got an hour of sleep in before my 14 hour day today.
Despite being totally exhausted, I wouldn't trade last night/this morning for anything. She did what no one has lately, she listened to me. My relationship with the mother of my child (yes, I've stopped using girlfriend in reference to her) is riding its rails. And I needed somewhere to go and tell all of this to. Someone who wouldn't judge it but who would just hold it and ask me what my gut is telling me to do. And now it feels like I can look at this through brand new eyes and finally come to a decision and be at peace with it. Thank you, G.

The Starbucks Incident

I went home over the weekend to visit the family and basically recharge the batteries. Every Sunday, regardless of what state or part of the world I'm in, I go to Starbucks for my coffee. Yesterday I went with two of my best friends to get coffee and one of them picked up the Times and started to look over the cover as we were waiting in line. There was something on the cover about Buddha or the caves of Buddha and friend number two asked something about Buddhism and directed the question towards me. I answered it and thought that was the end of the matter. But there was a husband and wife standing in line behind us and we heard them start whispering to each other and I could feel their eyes on us. All I could make out was the husband whispering something along the lines of, "Isn't that the terrorist religion?". Then, the wife, without any kind of warning, starts talking to me about how my "kind" of "idiot terrorist radicals shouldn't be allowed in the country," amongst other things of that nature. Before I had a chance to say anything one of my friends went off on the wife and that caused the husband to jump in. So now it's a bit of a loud arguing match between our two groups and the rest of the Starbucks junkies are all taking notice of this. Someone brings what's going on to the attention of two police officers who happened to be in the same shopping center. By the time the cops actually get into the store, it's the five of us arguing and an older Muslim man getting involved. I probably did the least amount of arguing because I just plain didn't see the point in saying much. I don't feel the need to defend my beliefs to anyone. But I have been thinking a lot about the whole thing. I don't know what irks me more - that he had no clue what he was talking about in the first place, or that anyone could be that stupid to assume that just because someone believes in a certain religion (and it's not even actually a religion), they must be a terrorist. Not to mention he stated several times that I shouldn't be allowed in the country I was born in. I don't know why you would just go off on somebody like that. They weren't provoked at all.
Eventually, the cops threatened the couple with arrest and they backed down and were escorted out at the request of the Starbucks employees. The Muslim gentlemen apologized to us for having to even put up with that guy and I don't know why he did. It wasn't his fault and I think he had every right to jump into the fray the way he did. We got our coffee and headed out of the shop and on the way out, a woman handed me some kind of pamphlet or magazine about Jesus and then asked if she could introduce him to me. Slightly taken aback, I just told her we'd already met but thanks for the offer. Who asks to introduce someone to Jesus at a Starbucks? I guess it just served to prove to me that not everyone's as open-minded as I wish they were. I live in New York, one of the most diverse states in the world, and I've never had anything like this happen before. And I didn't expect it to happen in my home state either, since it is also very diverse. But we were closer to the burbs and further from the city, so maybe that has something to do with it. The whole situation was ridiculous and the lady offering me "salvation" at the door just topped it all off. Then, this morning I saw a story on CNN about South Carolina wanting to offer Christian license plates to its citizens. The network took calls to see what their viewers thought about the idea. A few said that it was a violation of the whole church and state separation and that if they're only offering plates to that one religious group, than it shows a bias that shouldn't exist. I agree. One lady called up and went on a live on the air rant about the separation of church and state being the problem with our country and that there should be no separation and if all of the people who don't believe in God would only read the bible, than they would know that it is truth and America could be a Christian country again. Even the news anchor taking the call looked shocked at the rant. Unfortunately, I wasn't. I expected someone to call up and say something like that. She's the kind of chick that gives people the illusion that all the people who share her faith are just like her and I know that's not true. That's part of why this country is great in the first place. You can worship or not worship whatever speaks to you freely, even though it doesn't seem like that sometimes. I don't have a problem in the world with any other religion but I do have a problem when people try to force their religion on me or take on the philosophy of "find God or go to hell". I've actually been told that before. Fortunately, I don't believe in the Christian version of hell so it didn't really offend me. I think one's faith should be their own thing. If someone wants to know more about yours and asks you to have a conversation about it, cool, let's talk. If they want to just assume and call you names, don't waste your time or your breath. That's the view I took in this whole thing. The sad thing is that this guy is just gonna keep walking around with his views and then likely pass those on to his kids and the cycle could just continue that way. That's unfortunate.

Determination To Be Free

"The attitude of aspiring to be free from all problems and sufferings and to attain liberation"

That's where I want to be. That's where I feel like I'm on my way to and have been for quite some time and lately I've kinda fallen off the wagon and let things get to me that shouldn't. I've let people get to me and I shouldn't. This is new territory for me because I'm not one to care what anyone thinks about my decisions but lately it's been like everyone's eyes are on me just waiting for the f*ck up. Maybe I was too. But not anymore. I was free a few months ago. No problems and no sufferings at all. And a part of me is free, the part that is insanely in love with my daughter. But I want total freedom.
I didn't sleep well last night but I did have a dream that brought me to my senses a bit. This ex that I've contemplated letting back into my life has obviously weighed on me a lot lately. Somehow she's found her way into every corner of my brain and it's been hard to get away from the whole situation. Last night's dream, I think, was actually a warning. It was this photo album of everywhere I've been with this person and all of the places we could go. It reminded me of what I felt then and as I woke up, I felt nothing. Except nauseous. I take that to be a bad sign. So I've decided to not go back into this right now. I wish her the best and I know exactly what she's going through but I can't be there right now. I need to get back to where I was before a few months ago when she came back in my life.

The Letter

That damn letter just brings up more and more crap for me. I wrote it to move on and it hasn't helped me do that at all. Maybe because the feelings I put down weren't complete. There was no finality to it at all because...well, I don't know how to put an end to it. If I knew that, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. The reply to my letter is something I've tried not to read but find myself going back to every few days and thinking over what it says. It's interesting how sometimes those closest to you point out things you never knew. Sometimes they're wrong. They say that you're one way when you're really not. Other times, they point out things you never even thought of but subconsciously always knew. I've been mulling through my subconscious a lot lately. No one has ever gotten me and gotten under my skin more than the author of this reply. No one has even come close. I can't really explain just what it is or if it's a bad thing. But as much as I want to be rid of it, I just can't. What bugs me more than anything is that if I were on the outside looking in on my situation, I would tell myself to walk away and never think about it again. That's the right thing to do. But I can't force myself to do it. I've been told many times that I get bored easily. Bored with my relationships, with life in general, with my work. And when I do, I move on to the next thing I wanna do. I think it's probably apparent to the women I date, fairly early on, that there's a chance it's not gonna work because of my boredom tendency. I don't dispute that at all. Hell, there's times I don't even try and she does all the work and then when it starts to fade away, I just watch it go. No one's seemed worth the trouble the last few years. Then this person came around and she was soooooo worth it but I had already made my bed with someone else and we had a baby.
And it's hard for me to trust. How well can you truly ever know someone? You can never know everything about anyone. It's not just trust issues though, as this letter pointed out. It's some kind of fear. Fear of marriage and realizing that all the old wives tales about it are true. And yet, still fearing the alternative of never actually finding anybody. It's not like I'm old or anything, but as your friends start to settle and have kids, you start to look at the whole thing differently. I don't want anyone who's gonna put a leash on me and try and control me and I know that's a cop out. To read the words of someone you still love, and shouldn't love, and have them tell you that a part of them felt unsafe with you the entire time you were together is tough. I never knew until now. I've been told by many an ex that they're both scared of and attracted to me. I'm not a bad boy but I can sort of see where those kind of remarks would come from. There's like this wall I put up whenever I sense someone might be getting too close to me in a relationship. It's almost like flipping the switch for your armor to go up on a spaceship or something. I don't wanna be this way.
And I never realized that maybe not all of my needs were being met in any relationship I've ever been in. The one you're in love with should be someone you go to with and for everything. You shouldn't have to try too hard, it should just fit. And that's my problem. This person and I just fit. I didn't have to try at all and I felt comfortable with her. And, even worse, all of my needs were being met. I'm a very sensitive person and it's not something that's common knowledge. Unless I really know you and trust you, it's not a side you get to see. For many, if not all, of my past relationships, I've been the rock and the non-worrier. I thought that was okay. But it's not okay for the long run. I need someone who gets that I need my off days too. I don't wanna be the rock, the one holding it all together all of the time. I need to stop just patching up the holes in my life and going for the quick fixes. I need to make a decision here and I don't know what to do. Every little thing in me wants to reach for this person and never let them go this time. The part of me that's succeeding in keeping my distance is getting smaller everyday (though you know I would never cheat). I wonder how much longer I can keep that small part at bay. It seems like I'm fighting an inevitability. No matter how hard I fight it, something's going to happen. Maybe I'm fighting because I know that the people I love aren't going to agree with my decision to stop fighting. But it really isn't about them, is it? It's about my happiness, in the end. And it's about trust and whether I can trust this person again. People do stupid things when they're young and they handle things differently. I'm as guilty of that as anyone else. And I have questions in my mind about what happened the first time and what's supposed to happen now. Nothing happens without you playing a part in making it happen. No conditions are ever permanent and I wonder if this isn't just how this is supposed to go down, you know? Everyone says how things should be and what I should feel but no one knows for sure that this isn't where we should be right now. Maybe I am an idiot but I can't turn my feelings on and off. And no one currently telling me that I'm an idiot knows the complete story, though I doubt that anything would change if they did.
*sigh*...This is just too complicated. I wish I had someone who could just listen to the facts and decide. Like a judge. Let's just lay it all out there and see what an unrelated party thinks of it all. But it can never be like that. Some decisions have to be made on your own. And that sucks.