That damn letter just brings up more and more crap for me. I wrote it to move on and it hasn't helped me do that at all. Maybe because the feelings I put down weren't complete. There was no finality to it at all because...well, I don't know how to put an end to it. If I knew that, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. The reply to my letter is something I've tried not to read but find myself going back to every few days and thinking over what it says. It's interesting how sometimes those closest to you point out things you never knew. Sometimes they're wrong. They say that you're one way when you're really not. Other times, they point out things you never even thought of but subconsciously always knew. I've been mulling through my subconscious a lot lately. No one has ever gotten me and gotten under my skin more than the author of this reply. No one has even come close. I can't really explain just what it is or if it's a bad thing. But as much as I want to be rid of it, I just can't. What bugs me more than anything is that if I were on the outside looking in on my situation, I would tell myself to walk away and never think about it again. That's the right thing to do. But I can't force myself to do it. I've been told many times that I get bored easily. Bored with my relationships, with life in general, with my work. And when I do, I move on to the next thing I wanna do. I think it's probably apparent to the women I date, fairly early on, that there's a chance it's not gonna work because of my boredom tendency. I don't dispute that at all. Hell, there's times I don't even try and she does all the work and then when it starts to fade away, I just watch it go. No one's seemed worth the trouble the last few years. Then this person came around and she was soooooo worth it but I had already made my bed with someone else and we had a baby.
And it's hard for me to trust. How well can you truly ever know someone? You can never know everything about anyone. It's not just trust issues though, as this letter pointed out. It's some kind of fear. Fear of marriage and realizing that all the old wives tales about it are true. And yet, still fearing the alternative of never actually finding anybody. It's not like I'm old or anything, but as your friends start to settle and have kids, you start to look at the whole thing differently. I don't want anyone who's gonna put a leash on me and try and control me and I know that's a cop out. To read the words of someone you still love, and shouldn't love, and have them tell you that a part of them felt unsafe with you the entire time you were together is tough. I never knew until now. I've been told by many an ex that they're both scared of and attracted to me. I'm not a bad boy but I can sort of see where those kind of remarks would come from. There's like this wall I put up whenever I sense someone might be getting too close to me in a relationship. It's almost like flipping the switch for your armor to go up on a spaceship or something. I don't wanna be this way.
And I never realized that maybe not all of my needs were being met in any relationship I've ever been in. The one you're in love with should be someone you go to with and for everything. You shouldn't have to try too hard, it should just fit. And that's my problem. This person and I just fit. I didn't have to try at all and I felt comfortable with her. And, even worse, all of my needs were being met. I'm a very sensitive person and it's not something that's common knowledge. Unless I really know you and trust you, it's not a side you get to see. For many, if not all, of my past relationships, I've been the rock and the non-worrier. I thought that was okay. But it's not okay for the long run. I need someone who gets that I need my off days too. I don't wanna be the rock, the one holding it all together all of the time. I need to stop just patching up the holes in my life and going for the quick fixes. I need to make a decision here and I don't know what to do. Every little thing in me wants to reach for this person and never let them go this time. The part of me that's succeeding in keeping my distance is getting smaller everyday (though you know I would never cheat). I wonder how much longer I can keep that small part at bay. It seems like I'm fighting an inevitability. No matter how hard I fight it, something's going to happen. Maybe I'm fighting because I know that the people I love aren't going to agree with my decision to stop fighting. But it really isn't about them, is it? It's about my happiness, in the end. And it's about trust and whether I can trust this person again. People do stupid things when they're young and they handle things differently. I'm as guilty of that as anyone else. And I have questions in my mind about what happened the first time and what's supposed to happen now. Nothing happens without you playing a part in making it happen. No conditions are ever permanent and I wonder if this isn't just how this is supposed to go down, you know? Everyone says how things should be and what I should feel but no one knows for sure that this isn't where we should be right now. Maybe I am an idiot but I can't turn my feelings on and off. And no one currently telling me that I'm an idiot knows the complete story, though I doubt that anything would change if they did.
*sigh*...This is just too complicated. I wish I had someone who could just listen to the facts and decide. Like a judge. Let's just lay it all out there and see what an unrelated party thinks of it all. But it can never be like that. Some decisions have to be made on your own. And that sucks.
