Parental Second Thoughts

While spending two fun-filled days and nights in the hospital this week for brain/head issues (nothing a few more meds couldn't cure, apparently), I had very little to do but watch cableless t.v. and sleep. I tried to get as much sleep as I could, but it was a hospital so that proved difficult. I had like twenty channels to choose from on this t.v and ended up watching some show called 'The Baby Borrowers'. Basically, they throw these teenage couples who feel that they're ready to be parents into a cul-de-sac and toss other people's kids on them. The first week is babies and then toddlers, pre-teens and, this week, teenagers. I had a feeling these rent-a-kids on this show were gonna run their pseudo parents into the ground and boy was I right. These kids had absolutely no manners at all. But they didn't have to do much to get on the nerves of the 'parents' because a few of their romantic relationships were already coming apart before the kids arrived. It was interesting to see how their arguing affected these kids who weren't even theirs. Most of them were children of divorce already and they'd only been with these 'parents' a few hours or days and already thought all the arguing was about them. That was kinda sad. If you read anything in this blog previously, you know that I'm on a magical mystery journey with the teenager I'm the legal guardian of. She turns 18 next month, but is still gonna be living with me as she starts college. I've known her since she was a kid and even though I've only had to deal with the later stages of child rearing, I feel so old. I felt all warm and fuzzy when she graduated a few months back and now she's getting set for college and I kinda understand why my mom acted the way she did when I was going off to college. I'm attached to this kid and we've only been living together seven months. I can't imagine how I'm gonna feel about my baby daughter after a full 18 years. It's been interesting and enlightening and crazy just how much I had to alter my life for someone who as pretty much developed all of her motor skills already (as in the teen). This is not at all where I thought I'd be halfway through 2008, but I guess it is where I'm meant to be. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything (although I could do without all the groping and ogling from her friends). I got to talking last night with my girlfriend about future kids. I've wanted to be a dad since I was nine years old. And then I went through a period of 'I'm not so sure'. I love kids, no doubt about that. I'm the happiest man alive when I'm goofing off with my nieces and nephews. My daughter has me completely wrapped around her little finger. But I felt like this was/is such a harsh world to bring children into. I guess the universe had other plans for me though and I couldn't be happier about that. I'm at the stage where I get all of the fun stuff, you know? Everything is new and I'm having a blast. My girlfriend (that title is back) has talked about having another one sometime soon. I don't know about that. We're still not yet on solid ground (though it's getting better all the time) and I really don't want another one now. Maybe it's another kind of selfish phase. But this time around, instead of being devoted to my own wants, I'm devoted to being with this little person and having her to myself. I think part of it is that I don't know that I could ever love anybody more than I love her. She's the one thing that I've ever done completely right in my life and, the more the merrier they say, but I really think she may be it for me. Never say never.