"The attitude of aspiring to be free from all problems and sufferings and to attain liberation"
That's where I want to be. That's where I feel like I'm on my way to and have been for quite some time and lately I've kinda fallen off the wagon and let things get to me that shouldn't. I've let people get to me and I shouldn't. This is new territory for me because I'm not one to care what anyone thinks about my decisions but lately it's been like everyone's eyes are on me just waiting for the f*ck up. Maybe I was too. But not anymore. I was free a few months ago. No problems and no sufferings at all. And a part of me is free, the part that is insanely in love with my daughter. But I want total freedom.
I didn't sleep well last night but I did have a dream that brought me to my senses a bit. This ex that I've contemplated letting back into my life has obviously weighed on me a lot lately. Somehow she's found her way into every corner of my brain and it's been hard to get away from the whole situation. Last night's dream, I think, was actually a warning. It was this photo album of everywhere I've been with this person and all of the places we could go. It reminded me of what I felt then and as I woke up, I felt nothing. Except nauseous. I take that to be a bad sign. So I've decided to not go back into this right now. I wish her the best and I know exactly what she's going through but I can't be there right now. I need to get back to where I was before a few months ago when she came back in my life.
