I had kind of a boring weekend but I came across something online that kinda shocked me for a second. Just because it was so right on and I hadn't even thought of it. It was an article by some shrink that pointed out that when a person isn't ready to commit, they'll find little things that aren't good about the person they're dating to start to distance themselves. Eventually, all the little "problems" with the person give you a reason to break it off. It was like this chick had watched me in my previous relationships. If I decided to apply myself at all, I would eventually find a way to f*ck it all up and find something that I didn't like about her. I always thought it was just because of the hang ups in my head but apparently the reason I did it could be because I wasn't ready to be with any one person.
I was happy to realize that I've yet to try and do any of that with the mother of my child. I typically move slow (defense mechanism, I assume) but once I feel comfortable I'm quick to settle for the moment. However our relationship has been different this time around because it began as a fling for the moment and then evolved into, well, parenthood. The first time we dated, she was in the midst of a bad divorce and I was spiraling and still very much reeling from the death of the one I loved. Not ideal conditions but we really cared about each other. And we still do, even more so because we're connected through this amazing little person (who is now 3 mos. old, by the way). She never wanted to do the marriage thing again and I never want to do it period (but don't tell my mom) so it worked. I think this relationship has become so difficult now because we've forgotten how we ended up entangled in the first place.
I take you back to a beautiful late summer day in NYC in 2003 (like my rhymes?) when I was fixing a cable on the set of a show. I was in a trailer making sure all of the connections were tight when the door open and slammed into my rear end. This gorgeous woman walks in and apologizes for hitting me. Our eyes meet, she says, 'Wow, you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in my entire life,' gives me her number and the next night we went on our first date. The conversation was perfect and the attraction was ridiculously strong. We took it slow and eventually settled into a fairly old-fashioned kind of relationship. But, of course, there are always problems. Ours was her eventual ex-husband trying to get all he could in their divorce settlement and my reluctance to deal with my dead girlfriend issues. Still, we found something in each other and we wanted to hold onto it. We even talked of (and briefly tried) to have a baby but it wasn't meant to be (at the time). About a year and a half later, our issues caught up to us and we decided to split up even though we still felt very strongly about each other. She went her way and I went mine.
After an initial cooling off period we started talking every now and then whenever we had a minute, but only as friends. Then in the middle of last year she got out of a relationship and I was single and fate threw us together again. Then came baby. We had nine months of being completely devoted to this girl and how she would change our lives but we haven't focused on each other and what it means to be together now. I think that's what's been bothering me. We haven't really had any one on one time to find out if this is where we want and need to be. We've been on auto-pilot and that's never a good thing. We need to give this a legitimate shot for each other, not just for the baby. And if it works, that's fantastic. And if it doesn't, we need to be mature enough to know that and move on. Brand new eyes.
