?

I can't sleep. I should at least try to since I've slept sparingly over the past 48 hours. I don't even know where to start. Maybe by first apologizing to friends and some distant family for not returning your messages. Believe me, it's not intentional. My phone can't be on in the hospital and I keep forgetting to turn it back on when I leave. Everything's just been very overwhelming but I'll get back to you as soon as I can and try to keep you up to date on what's going on. See, the thing is...i have no idea what's really going on. All we know so far is this: my brother is currently in the ICU with a variety of injuries. He got into some kind of fight or altercation with a guy (or a few guys) and ended up in police custody. the cops say he seemed fine and said he didn't need medical attention so they took him into the station and about a half hour later, he keeled over and passed out. That is literally all we know. He's been in and out of surgery the past 48 hours and is doing better but still not over the worst of it (I've never hated the words 'touch and go' so much in my life). And I don't know how to feel. I feel TERRIBLE that my mom has to deal with this again. She's now had to hold vigil at all three of her childrens' bedsides in the ICU at some point. I can't even imagine. I'm confused as to how we ended up here, but then many of my brothers' decisions the past few years have confused me. His son is having trouble dealing, what kid wouldn't at 8-years-old. His estranged wife is at his bedside and not sure what to make of anything. So...I guess right now I'm helping everyone else deal and not letting myself feel anything. Except guilt. I don't know why. He's 28-years-old and I know I'm not "officially" my brothers' keeper but I feel like I should've/could've tried to understand him more. Maybe listened more instead of telling him what I thought he was doing wrong. I know it likely wouldn't have changed anything but...I'm just exhausted. My eyes hurt, my chest hutrs and my brain will not stop running with scenarios of what could've been done differently and what was done and what happened to him this week. I love him. And I want him to wake up. That's all that matters now. And...I don't knw if this makes me a horrible person or not but it makes me almost physically ill to sit with him. He looks fine (aside form the tubes and machines) but...I wanna be there the entire time but can't force myself for more than about 20 minutes. ANd I can't help thinking that whatever this confrontation was about, it wasn't worth what he's going through now.

We Are The Music Makers & We Are The Dreamers Of Dreams

I read a story awhile back about a group of kids in First Grade who were instructed by their teacher to draw a picture of what they wanted to be when they grew up. One student drew a picture of himself as a singer. The teacher picked it up, looked it over and gave it back to him and told him to draw something 'realistic'. I remember being pissed off at the story when I first heard it because childhood should be a time when you're allowed to let your imagination run wild and believe that you can be whatever you want when you grow up. There should've been nothing to stop that kid from believing he could be a singer someday. My niece is 12 and wants to be a hockey player when she grows up. My nephew wants to help others with hearing impairment. My other nephew wants to write books. My teenager wants to be a filmmaker. And my daughter is too young to know what she wants to be yet but will know as she gets older that she can be whatever she damn well pleases.
I think this post began in my head a few weeks ago. My cousin went back to college last year at the age of 27. He has an art degree but he's a nerd who loves to learn (I can say that since I'm one too) and wants to get a degree in literature or history. I walked in on a conversation he was having with another cousin about school and age and the future. The first thing I heard was one of them saying, "You could so not be a doctor..." and then when my college cousin saw me, he asked if I thought he could get his PhD. I said of course he could, he could be a doctor or anything else he wanted and everyone went their way and the conversation ended. But it got me thinking about how people just don't dream as much once they're adults. It's like all of that gets thrown by the wayside once we reach a certain age. And that sucks.
As a kid, I must have gone through twenty different scenarios of what I was gonna be when I grew up. I don't remember as much about my childhood as I wish I did, but I do remember wanting to be a medical doctor at some point. And an artist, even though I knew I couldn't draw well at all. I know that from the time I was 5, I wanted to be a musician or a record producer because music was always on in our house and I loved it. Then in elementary school I wanted to be a writer, I didn't care what kind. I would never have guessed film would take over my life in high school and beyond. So what do I dream about these days? A lot of stuff actually. But I very rarely allow my dreams to run away with me like they did when I was a kid. That's one thing that's changed I guess. But I still believe you can be whatever you want, regardless of age or situation. Part of me knows better but the other part doesn't care and would like to carry on being a dreamer. Wouldn't have it any other way.

As Long As I Can Dream, It's Hard To Slow This Swinger Down

Ah, friends. The smartassed little sounding boards sent down to help us make sense of the world....or talk us down from the ledge. I am one of those with a tendency to get myself all worked up over things in record time. I've been told it's a good quality cuz not many people can get excited about things with a childlike enthusiasm when they're thir...uh...let's say, older. But it can also have the downside of major letdowns, which is why I'm glad I have friends to talk me down (even if in a smartass manner). Yesterday I was talking to a friend in my usual very excited manner and, in typical fashion, she was dousing water on the flames and bringing me back down to earth. I don't say that as a bad thing at all because I needed to see the other side of things. And it helped me but, also in typical fashion, I pretty much ignored the advice. Not ALL of it, just the usual amount I ignore her advice.
This is the nature of my relationship with this person. I jokingly call her my Yoda or my moral compass (since only zombie me has morals) because she has a remarkable ability to put up with me like few can. Somehow she knows stuff; when I'm upset, when my day sucks, when I'm genuinely happy. I can't count how many times I've told her about one chick or another I was excited about and every time she told me to slow my roll because it was too early to tell. Nor can I count how many times she's put on her chick hat and counseled me about how women think. What do I contribute to the conversation, you ask? Well...I make her laugh. And I make her feel like she's banging her head against the wall when I ignore her advice. So yeah, not sure what she gets outta this but I'm glad she puts up with me.
For the longest time, we were the yin to each other's yang. If she was having a bad day, I was having a fantastic one. If I was in the midst of romantic turmoil, she was happily taken. We even joked that if I had the worst day known to man, she'd probably win the lottery. Most of this yin and yang effect has only been about our romantic lives and hasn't really extended to any other area of our lives. In fact, we're both totally thrown by the fact that our lives now seem to be running parallel. For the first time, we're both navigating the dating world at the same time and the stories are eerily similar. Same drama, same 'you wouldn't believe what happened on my date' stories. It's crazy. I finally feel like I have something to contribute to the relationship since I have no shortage of dating experience. It'll be interesting to see if it stays this way or if we shift back to the opposites thing. Of course, the one thing that will apparently never change, is that I still get overly excited and she still talks me down. And the irony of it all is that it's a usually dreamy Aquarian who has to bring a normally grounded Taurean back down to earth.

The Devil You Know

Somebody I love found her long lost half-brother via Facebook last night. The back story of it all is complicated but she's been reeling from the news ever since. All this reminded me of when my father died and my brother had similar issues with our half-siblings. We have several half-sibs and he felt the need to try and find and contact them in the wake of our father's death. We had no idea if they knew about us at all. I admit to looking all of them up on Facebook right after he died, just to see what they looked like. But that was enough for me. I thought about it and decided that was enough for me, I didn't need to know anymore about them and I had no desire to meet them. The same went for my sister (twins coming to the same decision, what a shock huh?) and we put it behind us. A few months later we found out that our brother had been talking to one of our half-sisters, something we'd both said we would rather he not pursue. Then, I met a different half-sister out of the blue and we talked for a few minutes and the I decided I didn't need to know that other side. She told me our paternal grandmother and our father's widow both wanted to meet us but I opted not to go that route and that was pretty much the end of it.
I realize now that it wasn't my place to tell my brother what he should or should not do or what he should feel.  We're very different, always have been, and whomever he chooses to invite into his life is his own business. Even though we're both technically related to these people, it doesn't meant I'd have to get to know them just because they're a part of his life. It's funny how all that came flooding back after hearing of my friend's situation. She has three siblings, none of whom know that she's found another (though they know of him) but she doesn't think they would be at all interested in meeting him. I told her this is her choice and not theirs but stopped way short of telling her what to do, other than to sleep on it for awhile. So many things could happen, there are more variables than I can probably even think of. But the most glaring one is rejection. If she makes the first move and he's not interested...that's gonna hurt. If he's open to what she has to say, there's the possibility another side of the family comes into play and then everyone on all sides has to figure out what they're gonna do. And I feel weird in that I've been in a similar situation but since I pretty much shut myself down about it, I can't really recall how I felt at the time. So I'm kinda useless here but still around if she needs a sounding board.

Ch-Ch-Changes

My daughter's illness finally seems to be on the mend (although we still have no idea what it is and have to go back to the doc next week) and she was full of energy this morning. So I took her along to what was supposed to be a breakfast to discuss custody with her mother. It's no secret her mother's behavior has been erratic the past month and I wanted to know what was up. Well, be careful what you wish for. I could tell she had something major to tell me so I just sat back and paid attention. She started with the whole hospital incident and said she did show up after hearing what was going on but they told her we'd already been discharged and she couldn't get a hold of me after that (which is true, my battery was running on empty so I had to turn off my phone). I was relieved to hear her say that cuz it clears up a lot of questions. Then she went on to her next announcement - she's going to inpatient treatment for depression. That's why she's been MIA, she's been struggling and she knew she couldn't take care of a kid like that. She was trying to work through it on her own but has realized that isn't going to work so she's taking steps to get help. I wasn't shocked, I know she's had a history of depression, but more bummed out. We have our differences and we've butted heads a lot over the past year but I still care about her and want her to be healthy. I love her (as the mother of my child, not in any other way) and I want the best for everybody I love so this is no different.
The next thing we talked about was what happens next. She's going to a program for at least a month and I'll have full custody for that month but she'll get visitation. There is no plan beyond that, I think we're both hoping she'll be better (or on her way to better) by then. We're going through the courts on this one because I feel like I have to protect the kid and myself in case her mother changes her mind and tries something down the road. Her mom understands this and isn't fighting me, so that's one good thing. But now things change drastically. It's been one week on, one week off in terms of custody of our girl and now I'm gonna have her 100% of the time for the next 30 days (at least). I know I can handle it but it's just a big change, probably more for the kid than for me. I look forward to the extra time. It's definitely gonna make for an interesting situation though.

Growned Up Stuff

"Do you feel like you're ready to find 'the one' or do you think you still have some living to do before you settle down?"

That was the question posed to me last night. It was a very good question and made me think. In the end, my answer was a simple one; that I'm open to finding something long-term but I'm not actively looking. If you look for something like that, you'll never find it. And the best relationships I've had were ones I just fell into unexpectedly. I was very closed off to anything serious for a very long time, solely because I wasn't fit for commitment. I didn't know what I wanted but I knew I didn't wanna stick it out when times got tough (yes, I was a bastard). Then I went through a period of having to find my footing with this parenting, and later single parenting, thing. I didn't really think about relationships during all that yet somehow managed to arrive at the conclusion that I'm open but not looking. It's amazing how clarity can come about sometimes.

Another thing that came up in this conversation was how different it is to date now than it was in our roaring early and mid 20's. In your 20's it's all about hook ups and having fun and experiencing life, learning what you do and don't like. And most of the people you come into contact with are fellow twenty somethings who are on similar journeys. In your 20's there's still the chance that you can settle with someone who hasn't really started their life or career yet. But once you get to your 30's the landscape changes considerably. Suddenly it's time to apply what you learned in your 20's and pick a direction and go. The people you date now have life stories and experiences and careers and in some cases, divorces behind them and kids to raise. Now it's about merging your lives rather than starting them together. But I like that. It should be a merger to create a partnership, not a takeover or one person losing their identity in the relationship.

I like the partnership thing and I think that's the best case scenario for me. But I also know it could never happen for me and I'm okay with that too. I'm glad I didn't settle down in my 20's. Will it happen in my 30's? Who knows. But at least I'll be much better prepared for the long haul if it comes knocking.

Sole-O

It's been well documented that my ex wanted a baby more than anything in the world the first time we dated. I don't know what her feelings on the subject were right before we actually managed to get knocked up but she seemed very happy. So riddle me this - how does someone who waits nearly 40 years to become a mother suddenly detach from her own child? I don't get it. But my family has started to point out some stuff I missed the first time around. Like how this attitude of hers seemed to move to the front of the line after the baby and I bonded. Prior to that, it was the two of them against the world and girl power. But now the kid and I are ridiculously close and, whenever given the choice, she chooses to be with me. I think this is harmless and probably has to do with her being freaked out by her mother's boy toys. I think she's too young to be picking a 'favorite' parent. It could also have to do with her mom being much stricter than I am. I don't let the kid swing from the chandeliers or anything but I'm much more laid back than her mother in terms of what she eats, where she plays, how to discipline, etc. I mean, what kid would run to the warden when she can chill out with a lenient guard?

I'm using these scenarios as my guide to whether or not to file for sole custody of our kid. Up until now we've been civil and out of court but I've seen some things that have concerned me over the past month. Her mother has cut out - twice - on date nights they were supposed to have. This weekend I told her our girl was under the weather and her response was, 'I trust you'll do what's right for her'. WTF? I've never missed an illness this kid has had, whether it happened during my week or not. Now all of a sudden she can't be bothered to even talk to her kid when she doesn't feel well? Something's not right there. And she won't talk to me about what the issue is, if there's an issue at all. And so my only option left is to consider protecting both me and the kid by filing for sole custody. I've heard horror stories about custody battles, and seen some with my own eyes. I really, really, really, really, really, really don't want to go that route but I don't think I have many options left. And that sucks. If she would just have a conversation with me about what's going on, this could all be avoided. But she doesn't want that apparently. My mind is not yet made up but I'm definitely leaning.

D-N-A

Genetics can be a funny thing. Skin color, eye color, hair color can sometimes be a bit of a toss-up. For example, my eyes are green and my daughter's eyes are blue. Her mother's eyes are brown so the last thing we expected was a blue-eyed kid (especially since green eyes are scary dominant in my family). She was also blonde, something attributed to her grandma being blonde. Kid looks nothing like me. My sister's oldest son also has blue-ish eyes, despite both his parents and his sister having green eyes. My brother's kids both look very Asian but are actually only about 1/4 Chinese. Nowadays you can't tell anything about anyone by how they look. (Of course people still try; in the last week alone I've heard people tell me I look Middle Eastern and Greek).

My sister's partner is of Cuban and Mexican descent; the son of a brown eyed mother and a green eyed father. He has green eyes himself, his sister has brown eyes and both bare quite a resemblance to their parents. Their brother, however, has a noticeably lighter skin tone and blue eyes and looks nothing like the rest of the family. It's no secret that their parents had a terrible marriage and were off and on for awhile so there's always been that question in his mind about whether or not the man who raised him is his biological father. I remember years ago he told me he'd always felt like his dad had treated him differently than he did the other kids. I never really advised him about what to do cuz I didn't know what to say. Everybody has suspected for years that there's something up with how he came to be but no one has ever talked about it. And I think what he's always needed is for someone to validate how he feels about the whole thing.

This friend and I were very close growing up and into adulthood. We had a falling out back in 2005 that left our friendship in ruins but have since reconciled and I'm VERY thankful for that. It's taken him a few years to find his footing and get on track but he's in a great place right now. The other night he just blurts out that he's decided to get a DNA test to find out if his dad is his father. I was taken aback but I understand his wanting to know the truth. Even though my own father was never a part of my life, at least I know who he was and what he did with his life. I can't imagine being totally in the dark about it. So I told him he should talk to his brother about it (they've long had a very complicated relationship but have repaired it outside of what happened with their parents). They've decided to get a DNA test together so they can see the results without bringing the parents into the situation. If it turns out they're only half-brothers, then they'll talk to mom about the circumstances. I think this is an excellent idea, it's very important to know where you come from. But I'm not sure which outcome is better for them. Being 100% related but having felt neglected by your father and not understanding why. Or being 50% related and having no idea who your real father is or if he's still alive or if your mother will ever tell you who he actually is. Toss up, I guess.

Lack Of Justice

I've followed the Caylee Anthony case from the very beginning. I have a terrible memory but I still remember seeing the story for the first time; an adorable little girl in Orlando who had gone missing. Then the case exploded when the world found out she'd been "missing" for over a month and her mother had not reported it. "What kind of mother doesn't tell the cops her kid is missing?" was the first question everyone asked. We would learn that this baby's mother was dysfunctional and narcissistic and entered hot body contests and got a tattoo during the time she was supposedly conducting her own investigation into her child's abduction by what would turn out to be a fictional nanny. Enter the grandparents of the baby and the baby's uncle, equally dysfunctional, and the story gets amped up even more. The mother of the child was lying about everything and everybody knew it. Once the baby was found, tossed away like trash in a swamp, everyone was sure this mother had killed her daughter. She was charged, we waited through years of motions and judicial red tape and the trial finally began six weeks ago.

I watched nearly every minute of this trial and I tried my best to watch it as if I were a juror, disregarding everything I already knew about the case. I know a lot of what the public knew was not allowed into the trial proceedings (though I don't understand why some some major stuff was thrown out). Even going just on what was shown in court, the same evidence that those 12 jurors heard, I could find more than enough to convict this woman of manslaughter. From the start I thought the prosecution made a mistake in charging her with first degree murder and seeking the death penalty. I don't believe in the death penalty to begin with but I felt like this whole thing was an accident (and was on the mother alone, not her family) and that's not first degree murder. Yes, the case was circumstantial but 75% of criminal trials are circumstantial and murderers have been convicted on less evidence than what was presented here. After the prosecution rested, my first thought was that they had proved manslaughter but would never get first degree murder. I still felt that way after closing arguments. I felt sick when they let her walk on every charge having to do with the murder. I was pissed off and I still am to some extent. But I've cooled down a bit since.

The one thing that continues to make me fume is hearing the jurors try to defend their decision (and that they're profiting off of all this, which I think is disgusting). If you make a decision and you believe in it, then you shouldn't feel the need to defend it. Apparently 10 of these 12 jurors first vote was guilty. I'd like to know what was so convincing that it swayed them to the other side in only 11 hours. Everybody I've talked to about this - regular old citizen or legally inclined - has said the prosecution proved manslaughter. EV-RY-BODY (yes i know I'm missing a letter there, it's for effect). One juror said that the cause of death was never proven and that was a big factor. Who the fuck cares?! They told you from the beginning that they couldn't prove that from the very beginning. And why couldn't they? Because the killer dumped the body in an area where animals fed on it and a combination of time and weather conditions washed away most of the forensic evidence. There is no plausible reason to put duct tape on a baby's mouth other than to kill them. There is no reason to put duct tape on any person's mouth post-death. But the jury disregarded all that, let a baby killer go free and now have the balls to say, 'the evidence just wasn't there'? I can't even articulate how pissed off that makes me. At least own up to your decision, don't try to justify it. It sounds like they put the entire family on trial, rather than just the defendant. Yes, this family is fucked up but show me a family that isn't in some way. These people were looking for a smoking gun, even though the state told them there wouldn't be one, and when they didn't get it, they voted for acquittal. If I were one of these idiot jurors I would never want my name or my face out there in public. But had I been a juror on this case, she'd either be in jail or prepping for another trial cuz I woulda hung that jury.

And so a baby killer goes free next weekend. Obviously she can't stay in Florida, but where can she go that nobody knows who she is? Europe? I believe she's on probation for awhile so she can't leave just yet. I've actually heard some people say they feel sorry for her because she'll never get to live a normal life. I in no way endorse vigilante justice and would hope no one's stupid enough to try that. But in terms of her being recognized and having trouble getting a job - GOOD! She shouldn't be able to kill her child and just continue with her life. There won't be any punishment legally, it may as well come from somewhere. I wish you could get her fixed so she can never have anymore kids. I have no idea how that family moves on from this. Even her parents believe she had a hand in the kid's death and she threw them both under the bus to save herself by accusing her father of molesting her. How do you have a relationship of any kind with someone who knows exactly what the last moments and days of your granddaughter's life were like but will never tell you that information? You can't. But I think blame for this case rests with quite a few people so I'm not really all torn up about what happens to her or her parents. Little Caylee got lost in this case, in the innuendos of abuse, in the problems of her narcissistic mother. And then she was further victimized by a jury apparently as stupid and narcissistic and self-serving as the mother who killed her. I'll never understand it. Poor girl.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

So while my brother is still off being an idiot, my sister-in-law has been off trying to get on with her life. Part of this practice has involved spending a fair amount of time with me and some of my friends. It's been fun but my best friend recently pointed out that there may be some sort of treachery afoot. Basically, it seems as though my best guy friend and my sister-in-law may have something going on with one another. *insert raised eyebrow here* At first I denied my best friends claim that there was something up, I told her she was just seeing things that weren't really there (if you knew my best friend, you'd find my assuming she's crazy to be a reasonable first conclusion in this situation). But lately I've started to realize she's right. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

If my sis-in-law had already filed for divorce, or even legal separation, I would not have a problem with her doing whatever she may be doing with my best guy friend. But that's not the case. So I find myself torn about the entire situation. I don't condone cheating in any form but part of me can't blame her. And he's a fantastic guy who deserves to finally get a break but the circumstances might also lead to him getting very hurt. Nobody wants that. It is possible that it's just a fling for him and an early attempt at rebounding by her. But I've seen him like this before and I don't think it's a fling. I haven't said anything cuz I know it's not my business. But...I hope this doesn't explode and turn into something bad.

Holy Matrimony, Batman!

I had a conversation with someone last week who scoffed at my saying I will never get married. Now usually I would be one of those who says 'never say never' about anything, but not when it comes to this topic. It's well known I was on the fence for a very long time about whether marriage was something I wanted in my life. Then in a moment of clarity I realized it wasn't for me, one of the reasons being that it's not what it was or what it should be. It's been cheapened and I want no part of that. The person I was talking to about all this - a commitment phobe, no less - agreed that marriage is a lot less sacred than it used to be and we moved on to another topic. The marriage talk came up again a few days later (as if she thought I'd change my mind in that time span?) and I again tried to explain my stance. Her opinion being that when I meet the right person, I will be chomping at the marital bit and be walking down an aisle within months. She's entitled to her opinion, of course. But I know, with 2000% certainty that goes up a few more percentage points everyday, that I do not ever want to be a married man. I'm not the marrying kind and I know that now.

I couldn't sleep the other night and started running my brother's situation through my mind and that led me to start thinking about the married people I've known in my life. My family's track record with marriage (or commitment, really) is not good at all. But I threw out the statistics about my elders since they're from a different time. Thinking about people around my age I realized I don't know anyone who married in their 20's that is still married now that they're near or in their 30's. (Phew, dodged a bullet with that whole failed engagement thing huh?) Of those who are now divorced/divorcing, a solid 99% have said they don't want to get married ever again. The general sentiment being, 'Well that was "fun" but I'm done now'. They seem to have realized it's something they just don't need in their lives. That is very interesting to me. I might dive deeper into this later on, but I have to gather my thoughts first.

Swept Away

It's seems like it was eons ago when I last fell for someone in that 'what the hell is this I'm feeling?' kinda way. It all started with my first ever blind date (hers too). How it came to be still makes me laugh because I think the entire thought process was something like her sister saying, 'Hey! My sister is the last of three kids and the only one without kids and/or a partner', and my cousin's then-fiance saying, 'Really? My boyfriend's cousin is one of three kids and the only one without kids and he's single too! They should go out'. Yeah. That was it. I fought the set-up, my set-up fought the set-up but we ended up agreeing to go just to shut up the powers that be. What followed was an insane and unexpected affair. Sounds mad cheesy but from the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew I was done for. Things evolved quickly from there, but they also became complicated very quickly. She wasn't ready for what we could've become and so we sputtered, then lingered, then finally ended. But the way I felt with her was amazing. They were feelings that had become foreign to me for a very long time. Even though it eventually crashed and burned, I don't regret a single thing. She completely swept me off my feet and I loved every minute, the good and the bad.

Someone pointed out to me today that I was "different" in the beginning stages of that relationship. I was open to it and let it take me wherever it was meant to take me. I went in wholeheartedly but took it slow, as opposed to my usual M.O. of fanning the flame as quickly as I can and then losing interest once it's burning bright. What's that saying? The hotter the flame, the quicker the flame out? Yep, that's me nine out of ten times. Not proud of it but it is what it is. Lately though I've been feeling like a major overhaul of my M.O. is required. I don't know how to go about that or if it's even possible. I assume it can be changed, it's just a habit after all. Maybe this is part of that whole 'aging' biz, supposedly you get a better idea of what you want as you get older. Or maybe it's a phase. Who knows. All I know is I need a change. I want to change. And it's been a long ass time since that's happened...