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I can't sleep. I should at least try to since I've slept sparingly over the past 48 hours. I don't even know where to start. Maybe by first apologizing to friends and some distant family for not returning your messages. Believe me, it's not intentional. My phone can't be on in the hospital and I keep forgetting to turn it back on when I leave. Everything's just been very overwhelming but I'll get back to you as soon as I can and try to keep you up to date on what's going on. See, the thing is...i have no idea what's really going on. All we know so far is this: my brother is currently in the ICU with a variety of injuries. He got into some kind of fight or altercation with a guy (or a few guys) and ended up in police custody. the cops say he seemed fine and said he didn't need medical attention so they took him into the station and about a half hour later, he keeled over and passed out. That is literally all we know. He's been in and out of surgery the past 48 hours and is doing better but still not over the worst of it (I've never hated the words 'touch and go' so much in my life). And I don't know how to feel. I feel TERRIBLE that my mom has to deal with this again. She's now had to hold vigil at all three of her childrens' bedsides in the ICU at some point. I can't even imagine. I'm confused as to how we ended up here, but then many of my brothers' decisions the past few years have confused me. His son is having trouble dealing, what kid wouldn't at 8-years-old. His estranged wife is at his bedside and not sure what to make of anything. So...I guess right now I'm helping everyone else deal and not letting myself feel anything. Except guilt. I don't know why. He's 28-years-old and I know I'm not "officially" my brothers' keeper but I feel like I should've/could've tried to understand him more. Maybe listened more instead of telling him what I thought he was doing wrong. I know it likely wouldn't have changed anything but...I'm just exhausted. My eyes hurt, my chest hutrs and my brain will not stop running with scenarios of what could've been done differently and what was done and what happened to him this week. I love him. And I want him to wake up. That's all that matters now. And...I don't knw if this makes me a horrible person or not but it makes me almost physically ill to sit with him. He looks fine (aside form the tubes and machines) but...I wanna be there the entire time but can't force myself for more than about 20 minutes. ANd I can't help thinking that whatever this confrontation was about, it wasn't worth what he's going through now.