Nine and a half years ago my life changed dramatically within the span of a week. I don't remember hearing about my girlfriend's...leaving (I still can't say the 'D' word) for the first time but according to my mom she was the one to tell me and I didn't take it well. Then came my accident and I woke up two weeks later in a hospital bed and I didn't know what had happened to me but I knew something wasn't right because the one person I knew would always be there was not there. I had no recollection at all of what had happened to her. I asked where she was and the look on my mom's face told me all I needed to know. I wish I didn't remember hearing it the second time. I remember every feeling that went through me. I remember literally getting sick and needing to be sedated. And I remember the procession of shrinks and specialists that tried to get me to talk about my feelings in the days that followed. I've never experienced worse pain, in every way imaginable. There are some people in this life that I cannot stand but I wouldn't even wish that experience on them. It's too much. It's still too much sometimes when I think about it, as I've been doing a lot today. There isn't an adjective strong enough for how that felt. I could've just crawled into a hole and died as soon as I heard the news (both times, I imagine) and I came close to doing that several times. I didn't eat much, I could never sleep more than a few hours at a time and I kept thinking it was all just a dream. Every time I woke up after some nightmare I thought I'd be waking up to her. I completely shut down because I didn't know what else to do or how to react. I self-medicated because it was the only thing that didn't remind me of her. The only thing that would numb me and keep her off my mind. It was awful. It took me years to get back to being ok everyday and it wasn't until last year that I stopped thinking about her every other thought.
The entire experience of the accident and that kind of loss changed me in a lot of ways. I didn't cope well at all. I had PTSD and I was depressed but I refused to get help for either problem (hence the self-medication). I was in and out of a number of relationships but I applied myself in zero of them. I chain-smoked girlfriends and I didn't care what happened to me. Some called me on my behavior, some decided it wasn't worth it and moved on. My mentality was that everything and everyone dies so why get close to anything or anyone. Everyone dies, everything ends so accept that and close yourself off and don't get hurt again. I sabotaged and stopped things dead in their tracks before they could even start. I was a bastard. Nothing made me happy and I didn't like who I was at all because it wasn't me. And when you don't like yourself, you can't love anybody else. Eventually I found my faith, changed to a new way of thinking and realized the live keep living and I'm still here for a reason. I let go of most of my vices and I am a much better person for that. I'm definitely happier overall and I'm thankful for my second chance. But sometimes I still have a problem accepting the good things and I dwell on the negatives.
One area where I continue to be hesitant to accept love is my dating life. It took me a long time to be open to dating anybody seriously again and I still never really fully opened up. I'd get close but there would always be something held back. And even if I felt like I could really fall for someone, I still held back because of the 'what-if's'. What if I fall and the same thing happens again? It's completely irrational but it's how I felt. So I resigned myself to the fact that I'd probably just end up in and out of relationships the rest of my life but never have that same connection again. And that was fine, I'd already had it once and I was lucky for that. Then I was with someone I saw a real future with but things didn't work out. Not long after it ended I was talking to a friend of mine about it and she said something about how she was shocked this chick hadn't dug in her nails and fought harder for me. I was flabbergasted. It hadn't even occurred to me that anybody would want to dig in and stick it out and fight. I never really had (although I did try everything in that particular relationship), so why should I expect it from anyone else? I had more baggage than most and was not really worth sticking it out for. The next "big" (that term being relative since my relationships rarely last longer than 8 months) relationship I was in showed me what it was to fight. Only I wasn't the one doing the fighting, it was all her, because I didn't feel the same way she did. I cared about her, wanted her to be happy but I wasn't in love. But I understood finally what it meant to be on both sides; the one fighting and the one letting go. I felt a lot for one of these women but knew we probably weren't meant to go the distance. I loved the other one as a friend but I was never in love. And as much as I cared about both of them, I never felt the "it" that I would need to officially fall in love and be taken over by that awesome feeling.
So now I'm in something that has an incredible amount of potential. Something that makes me wanna fight and makes me feel like I want to let go and be completely taken over. But the 'what-ifs' are holding me back. And it's this paralyzing fear about losing someone I love all over again. I mean, I'm already in deep so if anything happened to this person it would shatter me anyway. (I get freaked out when she has a bad asthma day, forget about dealing with anything serious.) But I think this is also that arms length thing that I do creeping in. I'm still so afraid to keep anyone close because of what could happen. So I although I'm in deep and close and have fallen and all of that good stuff, I've also keep the distance because I'm terrified that it could all end badly and I know I couldn't handle that again. The funny thing is, it's been a very long time since I've been too close and yet, I feel like all I need is to be too close. I need to be with someone who wants to fight for me and who I'm willing to fight for. I need someone who flat out refuses to let me self-sabotage. Someone who understands where I've been and how awful it was and how much I never wanna go back to that place. So how do I let this last wall down and get myself to that person? That is I question I very much wish I knew the answer to...
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Breaking Down Is Easy
I feel all kindsa disoriented right now. Sometime within the next 48 hours I start my new drug regimen. Basically I have to sit in a chair (in the cancer ward, no less) once a week for the next four weeks and get pumped full of a drug that the doctor hopes will send my levels to where they need to be. As with the last course of treatment there are no guarantees and it's all very wing and a prayer. I think what annoys me the most is that this is going to be three hours a week where I am gonna be unable to do anything constructive cuz I just have to sit there. And when I sit too long with nothing to do, I start thinkin' and it rarely turns out well. The doc says the first dose will likely knock me on my ass for a day and a half so I should be ready for that. The rest of the doses shouldn't be as bad but they emphasized that everyone responds differently and that it is a drug typically used to treat cancer so it's not small stuff. That freaks me out more than a little. But not as much as the possibility of having my spleen removed. I had another blood test and unfortunately I've regressed. My levels are going the opposite direction of where we want them to be and are close to being where they were when I was first diagnosed, which explains why I've been more fatigued than usual lately. On top of that my spleen is (once again) swollen and the doc says he doesn't recommend removing it anytime soon but that I should keep in mind it could be a last resort. I feel like every time he tells me my spleen is swollen, he follows up by telling me to give it last rites. But that's a problem for another day. I'm just very nervous and not sure how to feel about all this. I knew this whole different drug thing was coming but that doesn't make it any less scary. I've been on edge the last few hours since I finished reading all the stuff the doctor gave me. I'm kinda in that place where you're on the verge of breaking down and feel like any little thing could be the catalyst (although that's about more than just the medical stuff). But I won't break down. I'll write this, then I'll internalize and then I'll try to get some rest.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Turkey Day Trauma: 2011 Edition
Ah, the traditions different families have for their Thanksgiving day. Some play football, some just watch football, some choose to make dinner an adventure. That last one is my clans' tradition. On one particular Thanksgiving in my youth, my mom and grandma...uh...well, there is no other word for it other than to say they violated a turkey in ways no turkey should be violated. They dropped it, they fondled it and my sister and I will be in therapy for years talking about the trauma the incident inflicted upon us. About eight years ago, my aunt didn't get a turkey until the day before the holiday and it didn't defrost in time and didn't finish cooking til 11 at night, so we didn't have turkey that day. We've also had incidents with deep frying turkeys and, though I don't know whose idea it was to do it, hunting our own turkeys. And of course there was last years debacle of us not eating until eight in the evening. So, as much as I love Thanksgiving and the food and everything else, I am understandably a little uneasy when it comes to the actual dinner part of the day. And this year was almost another miscue.
My family does turkey breast instead of whole turkeys and my aunt tasked my cousins and I with getting this year's birds into the oven while she was out getting us coffee. Imagine our surprise when we cracked open the packaging to find that these birds had legs, something you don't find on turkey breast. We had whole turkeys and no idea how to cook 'em. Someone (read: my mother and I) didn't read the packaging correctly and thus we ended up with big birds. I called my aunt to ask her if we needed to change anything in the cooking but got no answer so I called my mom, whose first reply to my saying, "We have a problem, these are whole turkeys, what do we do?" was, "Wow...we got a whole turkey for $10?". Not helpful. We threw the birds in the oven and went on about our day and checked them four hours later and they looked done. They were not done. So dinner was delayed an hour and was a little slim on turkey since we could only carve the parts that were done. But it's no biggie when you consider we got to eat before nightfall this go round.
All in all, this year was pretty tame compared to years past and for that, I am thankful. A few other highlights of my day:
~ The night before Turkey Day I went to a hockey game with my 53-year-old uncle and he got hit on by some woman. Old people hitting on each other is G.R.O.S.S.
~ Crazy aunt began drinking at 11:30 in the AM when she asked my cousin to put a little liqueur in her Starbucks cup. Four hours later, my cousin walks into the living room to find her (wine glass in hand) completely enthralled by an infomercial for a Trojan vibrator. My cousin walks right back out of the room and claims he is temporarily blind. Later in the night, I come downstairs after taking a phone call and overhear crazy aunt say, "Well I don't see how a ball gag is a turn on". I wish I had been temporarily deaf at the time.
~ Mr. R was moved out of the ICU and is expected to come home on Saturday afternoon. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that the little dude is finally on the mend.
~ Whilst attempting to season a turkey, I get a shot of poultry seasoning in the eyes and up my nose. Burns. Like. A. MOFO. I rinse out my eyes and my sinuses but both still burn hours later. A few minutes prior to dinner I also burned my arm on a turkey pan, making two consecutive Thanksgivings where I've been burned (although this year I was burned in more ways than one. Here's to progress).
~ A definite highlight was getting a chance to sit down and talk to my brother for the first time in awhile. It was borderline productive. Again, here's to progress.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING GIRLS AND BOYS.
My family does turkey breast instead of whole turkeys and my aunt tasked my cousins and I with getting this year's birds into the oven while she was out getting us coffee. Imagine our surprise when we cracked open the packaging to find that these birds had legs, something you don't find on turkey breast. We had whole turkeys and no idea how to cook 'em. Someone (read: my mother and I) didn't read the packaging correctly and thus we ended up with big birds. I called my aunt to ask her if we needed to change anything in the cooking but got no answer so I called my mom, whose first reply to my saying, "We have a problem, these are whole turkeys, what do we do?" was, "Wow...we got a whole turkey for $10?". Not helpful. We threw the birds in the oven and went on about our day and checked them four hours later and they looked done. They were not done. So dinner was delayed an hour and was a little slim on turkey since we could only carve the parts that were done. But it's no biggie when you consider we got to eat before nightfall this go round.
All in all, this year was pretty tame compared to years past and for that, I am thankful. A few other highlights of my day:
~ The night before Turkey Day I went to a hockey game with my 53-year-old uncle and he got hit on by some woman. Old people hitting on each other is G.R.O.S.S.
~ Crazy aunt began drinking at 11:30 in the AM when she asked my cousin to put a little liqueur in her Starbucks cup. Four hours later, my cousin walks into the living room to find her (wine glass in hand) completely enthralled by an infomercial for a Trojan vibrator. My cousin walks right back out of the room and claims he is temporarily blind. Later in the night, I come downstairs after taking a phone call and overhear crazy aunt say, "Well I don't see how a ball gag is a turn on". I wish I had been temporarily deaf at the time.
~ Mr. R was moved out of the ICU and is expected to come home on Saturday afternoon. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that the little dude is finally on the mend.
~ Whilst attempting to season a turkey, I get a shot of poultry seasoning in the eyes and up my nose. Burns. Like. A. MOFO. I rinse out my eyes and my sinuses but both still burn hours later. A few minutes prior to dinner I also burned my arm on a turkey pan, making two consecutive Thanksgivings where I've been burned (although this year I was burned in more ways than one. Here's to progress).
~ A definite highlight was getting a chance to sit down and talk to my brother for the first time in awhile. It was borderline productive. Again, here's to progress.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING GIRLS AND BOYS.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Get Well Soon Mr. R
I had a blog all ready to go about my sister and her partner contemplating have baby number four. But I just got a call from my sister informing me their youngest son is back in the hospital and they think he has pneumonia. Scary stuff for sure. This kid is ridiculously articulate and the sweetest kid I've ever met in my life. My sister and bro-in-law had debated adopting for awhile before starting the process, which took less time than they anticipated when they were given the chance to adopt a child with "special needs" (in quotes because I don't think being deaf is necessarily a special need but whatever). They adopted him two years ago and he and my daughter have been inseparable since. Whenever they're in the same place, they're together. I think the two of them sign better than any of the rest of us and it's cute to watch. This is the second time in about a month that little Mr. R has had to go to the hospital, but the last time was much less serious. I was supposed to head home this weekend for the holiday anyway but my trip just moved up. I wanna be there and help out anyway I can. Get well soon little dude.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Double Trouble
Last night I was a little hopped up on caffeine and had a tough time getting to sleep. So I watched TV for awhile and ended up on some show about twins. Apparently fraternal twins aren't all that interesting because everyone they chronicled was an identical twin. I don't really get the fascination with twins, but that's probably because I am one. And because twins run in my family; I have two sets of aunts who are twins, then my sister and I, and my cousin has twin boys. And every single one of us is fraternal. The thing about identical twins is that 99.9% of their DNA is the same, so they're basically the same person. Fraternal twins are basically just siblings who occupied the womb at the same time but are otherwise the same as any other pair of siblings. But there are still similarities in personality. My sister and I are almost identical in terms of personality and it's kinda crazy that we're still the same since my personality changed after the accident.
The thing in this special that kinda struck me was how all of these identicals talked about the connection they felt with one another. Just about all of them referred to their twin as a soul mate and I can't say I disagree with that. And I guess I understand why people are fascinated by twins in that sense because we're born with an immediate connection to someone else. And at the end of the day everyone wants to feel like they're connected to something or someone. But there's been a definite downside to the whole twin connection thing. Well, sometimes it's good because we can sort of sense how the other is feeling without even being in the same state. Many, many times when I've been on the brink of making a questionable decision, my phone rings and it's my sister. It creeps people out sometimes when that happens. And when I got into my accident, my sister says she knew something wasn't right and she felt sick. Then the stress of it all sent her into premature labor and her, my nephew and I were all in the hospital at the same time.
This show also made me realize I am very, VERY thankful my mom did not give my sister and I names that rhymed or started with the same letter. And that she didn't dress us in anything matching (some people do that even with fraternal twins, it's disturbing). I'm also glad she encouraged us to be individuals but then I think she had to do that after my brother came along. She knew she wouldn't be having anymore kids and she didn't want him to feel left out. So many of these people in this documentary talked about their parents keeping them in the same classes and not encouraging them to blaze their own trails independent of each other. Up until fourth grade my sister and I were always in the same classes because we had no other choice, our school only had one class for each grade level. After that we were, for the most part, always in different classes and we ran in different crowds in high school (some people didn't know we were even related). So we're lucky to still have an awesome connection but also be able to do our own thing.
I can't count how many times I've been asked what it's like to be a twin and I still have no idea what to say to that. I mean, I don't know any different. I don't know what it's like to not be a twin anymore than someone who isn't one knows what it's like to have a twin. I don't even understand what kinda answer people are looking for when they ask that. Whether I say it's terrible or it's awesome, I have to elaborate on why it is what it is. And what it is is pretty awesome.
The thing in this special that kinda struck me was how all of these identicals talked about the connection they felt with one another. Just about all of them referred to their twin as a soul mate and I can't say I disagree with that. And I guess I understand why people are fascinated by twins in that sense because we're born with an immediate connection to someone else. And at the end of the day everyone wants to feel like they're connected to something or someone. But there's been a definite downside to the whole twin connection thing. Well, sometimes it's good because we can sort of sense how the other is feeling without even being in the same state. Many, many times when I've been on the brink of making a questionable decision, my phone rings and it's my sister. It creeps people out sometimes when that happens. And when I got into my accident, my sister says she knew something wasn't right and she felt sick. Then the stress of it all sent her into premature labor and her, my nephew and I were all in the hospital at the same time.
This show also made me realize I am very, VERY thankful my mom did not give my sister and I names that rhymed or started with the same letter. And that she didn't dress us in anything matching (some people do that even with fraternal twins, it's disturbing). I'm also glad she encouraged us to be individuals but then I think she had to do that after my brother came along. She knew she wouldn't be having anymore kids and she didn't want him to feel left out. So many of these people in this documentary talked about their parents keeping them in the same classes and not encouraging them to blaze their own trails independent of each other. Up until fourth grade my sister and I were always in the same classes because we had no other choice, our school only had one class for each grade level. After that we were, for the most part, always in different classes and we ran in different crowds in high school (some people didn't know we were even related). So we're lucky to still have an awesome connection but also be able to do our own thing.
I can't count how many times I've been asked what it's like to be a twin and I still have no idea what to say to that. I mean, I don't know any different. I don't know what it's like to not be a twin anymore than someone who isn't one knows what it's like to have a twin. I don't even understand what kinda answer people are looking for when they ask that. Whether I say it's terrible or it's awesome, I have to elaborate on why it is what it is. And what it is is pretty awesome.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Talk Me Down
I had a bad day. And yet, I still wish there were more hours in this day so I could sort out how I feel. I've spent the last few hours being talked down by a friend but I still have a lot to get off my chest. I feel frustrated. I just came down from being pissed off. I feel like what I've tried to say today fell on deaf ears. I feel a lot of things that I probably won't feel in the morning but I have to get them out somewhere and this is my forum.
I don't do many things right. My long list of fuck ups has been well documented here and everyone in my life knows just about everything I've fucked up cuz I'm an open book with my inner circle. But the reason I love these people is because they don't throw my fuck ups back in my face. In the moment, they will tell me everything I need to hear about what I'm doing wrong (constructively, of course) but once that moment has passed they move on from it (unless there's a reason to remind me of it, but that's never done in a malicious way). Because throwing someone's screw ups back in their face only takes them back to a bad place and makes them feel bad about themselves. And when you feel bad about yourself, you don't want to gravitate towards the good things because you don't believe you deserve them. And so, if you're me, you self-sabotage yourself to within an inch of your life because of that feeling of not being worthy. It's a fucking vicious cycle. I hate having the times I fucked up thrown in my face and I LOATHE when I feel like I'm not being heard. I don't care if I come down on the right or wrong side of an argument, I just need to know that what I'm saying is actually being heard. And I don't feel like that's the case right now. Maybe it's another miscommunication, I don't know. But it doesn't feel like a miscommunication. It feels like I was asked why I'm not okay and I said why I'm not okay and it didn't matter anyway. The response was that the other person got defensive and constantly reminded me of everything I've fucked up and nothing was any better than before we started having the conversation. Actually that's not true, things may have been made worse by my saying how I felt. And not for the first time. I'm just so fucking drained right now. There's so much I wanna say and so much I wanna do but none of it feels like the right thing. And I feel like I've gone completely inside myself because every time I try to come out and be honest and answer the question of how I feel, it gets turned into something else and I'm still not okay anyway. And then the other person cries and isn't okay and that's worse than my not being okay.
Another thing I can't stand is when something is repeated to me over and over like I'm an idiot who didn't hear it the first twenty times. Yes, I've fucked up and on many, many occasions. And they've said their peace and I've taken in what they say and genuinely listen to it and understand it but it always comes up again and gets tossed back at me. And now it feels like even if I right the ship and follow through and do all the things I should, it wouldn't make a fucking bit of difference. I'm sure I'd just fuck up the follow through in some way or another. I don't know. I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't wanna fight. I don't wanna repeat my position or hear them repeat theirs. I want things to be okay but I'm nowhere near that and I don't know how to get either of us closer to that. I've taken responsibility for my part in the fights and I've tried to figure out how to get over it and be okay but I can't just conjure myself into that state. I can only feel how I feel and they can only feel how they feel but I seriously feel like what I say doesn't matter. If I'm quiet, then it's assumed I'm moody or being "weird". If I'm honest, that seems to backfire too. If I say I don't know how to be okay, it gets turned into me saying that I want out. So what the hell am I supposed to be? That's when I retreat and I internalize everything and I get quiet. And we talk about "sides" (and maybe I was wrong to use that word in the context I did) and seeing different ones and I didn't mean it to sound as if this person exposed some hidden side of themselves because I know that's not true. But I don't feel like I've shown a side of myself they didn't know either, even though they tell me differently. And no matter how much I say or write, it's still not enough. I still feel off. It's just another cycle and I hate it.
*sigh*...SO...what is my problem? Apathy, that's my problem. And it's not a new one. When I get hurt, I retreat and something clicks and I go into apathy mode until it feels safe to come out. Apathy is my bomb shelter. If you don't open up, you don't get hurt. If you don't care, you don't get attached and thus you can't get hurt. I think apathy did it's damnedest to take over in the midst of this fight and in the immediate aftermath. But it couldn't do its usual job because I already care SO much. I can't not answer a text or ignore an email because this person has a pull on my heart. So instead I distanced myself and was not fine. Then I felt a little bit better but not 100%. So I threw open the doors of my shelter and put it all out there in an effort to repair things. Big. Fat. Mistake. Because now I feel even worse. And now things are even worse and they were already weird to begin with. And I care so fucking much about this person that it hurts. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say and I'm just really tired. But even in my frustrated/angry/whatever the hell I am right now state, I want this person to have the absolute best out of life and get everything they've ever wanted. They deserve all of that and so much more and definitely deserve more than I've given. So I don't know. I have no idea where things stand with us or where they'll stand in the morning. We certainly didn't solve anything today. This sucks.
I don't do many things right. My long list of fuck ups has been well documented here and everyone in my life knows just about everything I've fucked up cuz I'm an open book with my inner circle. But the reason I love these people is because they don't throw my fuck ups back in my face. In the moment, they will tell me everything I need to hear about what I'm doing wrong (constructively, of course) but once that moment has passed they move on from it (unless there's a reason to remind me of it, but that's never done in a malicious way). Because throwing someone's screw ups back in their face only takes them back to a bad place and makes them feel bad about themselves. And when you feel bad about yourself, you don't want to gravitate towards the good things because you don't believe you deserve them. And so, if you're me, you self-sabotage yourself to within an inch of your life because of that feeling of not being worthy. It's a fucking vicious cycle. I hate having the times I fucked up thrown in my face and I LOATHE when I feel like I'm not being heard. I don't care if I come down on the right or wrong side of an argument, I just need to know that what I'm saying is actually being heard. And I don't feel like that's the case right now. Maybe it's another miscommunication, I don't know. But it doesn't feel like a miscommunication. It feels like I was asked why I'm not okay and I said why I'm not okay and it didn't matter anyway. The response was that the other person got defensive and constantly reminded me of everything I've fucked up and nothing was any better than before we started having the conversation. Actually that's not true, things may have been made worse by my saying how I felt. And not for the first time. I'm just so fucking drained right now. There's so much I wanna say and so much I wanna do but none of it feels like the right thing. And I feel like I've gone completely inside myself because every time I try to come out and be honest and answer the question of how I feel, it gets turned into something else and I'm still not okay anyway. And then the other person cries and isn't okay and that's worse than my not being okay.
Another thing I can't stand is when something is repeated to me over and over like I'm an idiot who didn't hear it the first twenty times. Yes, I've fucked up and on many, many occasions. And they've said their peace and I've taken in what they say and genuinely listen to it and understand it but it always comes up again and gets tossed back at me. And now it feels like even if I right the ship and follow through and do all the things I should, it wouldn't make a fucking bit of difference. I'm sure I'd just fuck up the follow through in some way or another. I don't know. I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't wanna fight. I don't wanna repeat my position or hear them repeat theirs. I want things to be okay but I'm nowhere near that and I don't know how to get either of us closer to that. I've taken responsibility for my part in the fights and I've tried to figure out how to get over it and be okay but I can't just conjure myself into that state. I can only feel how I feel and they can only feel how they feel but I seriously feel like what I say doesn't matter. If I'm quiet, then it's assumed I'm moody or being "weird". If I'm honest, that seems to backfire too. If I say I don't know how to be okay, it gets turned into me saying that I want out. So what the hell am I supposed to be? That's when I retreat and I internalize everything and I get quiet. And we talk about "sides" (and maybe I was wrong to use that word in the context I did) and seeing different ones and I didn't mean it to sound as if this person exposed some hidden side of themselves because I know that's not true. But I don't feel like I've shown a side of myself they didn't know either, even though they tell me differently. And no matter how much I say or write, it's still not enough. I still feel off. It's just another cycle and I hate it.
*sigh*...SO...what is my problem? Apathy, that's my problem. And it's not a new one. When I get hurt, I retreat and something clicks and I go into apathy mode until it feels safe to come out. Apathy is my bomb shelter. If you don't open up, you don't get hurt. If you don't care, you don't get attached and thus you can't get hurt. I think apathy did it's damnedest to take over in the midst of this fight and in the immediate aftermath. But it couldn't do its usual job because I already care SO much. I can't not answer a text or ignore an email because this person has a pull on my heart. So instead I distanced myself and was not fine. Then I felt a little bit better but not 100%. So I threw open the doors of my shelter and put it all out there in an effort to repair things. Big. Fat. Mistake. Because now I feel even worse. And now things are even worse and they were already weird to begin with. And I care so fucking much about this person that it hurts. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say and I'm just really tired. But even in my frustrated/angry/whatever the hell I am right now state, I want this person to have the absolute best out of life and get everything they've ever wanted. They deserve all of that and so much more and definitely deserve more than I've given. So I don't know. I have no idea where things stand with us or where they'll stand in the morning. We certainly didn't solve anything today. This sucks.
Silenced.
I had this space marked for a long blog about my not so great day and even worse night. But I have yet to post it and don't know if I will because it was written in anger and frustration. If it's one thing I've learned this week, it's that words wield some kinda power. Words can be amazing and convey incredible emotions; whether it be you saying the actual words or letting the lyrics of a song say how you feel. Words can be like daggers and cut deep and it can be difficult to stop the bleeding. Words can both make everything okay or make everything worse. Words can lose their meaning and no longer be enough. All this is what makes words beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
Last week I used my words in a hurtful manner while in the heat of an argument (see here). It was stupid and juvenile and I still have not fully recovered from it. I take full responsibility for my part in it and for, unintentionally, escalating it. I know better and I should have stopped using my words and called for time out until both parties could converse with cooler heads. Maybe things wouldn't be in such a fucked up place right now if I'd put away my words sooner a week ago. Another lesson learned.
Tonight I'm left feeling as if my words are not being taken in the way I mean them to be. I withheld my words for most of the day, a side effect of being a thinker, and I wasn't happy. I couldn't really find the words to say what I wanted to anyway. I know which words are daggers and which words calm the storm, but none of them seemed to describe how I was feeling. But then I used the only words I could find to describe how I felt - and it only made things much worse. One more lesson learned. And now...well, I guess I'm out of words.
Last week I used my words in a hurtful manner while in the heat of an argument (see here). It was stupid and juvenile and I still have not fully recovered from it. I take full responsibility for my part in it and for, unintentionally, escalating it. I know better and I should have stopped using my words and called for time out until both parties could converse with cooler heads. Maybe things wouldn't be in such a fucked up place right now if I'd put away my words sooner a week ago. Another lesson learned.
Tonight I'm left feeling as if my words are not being taken in the way I mean them to be. I withheld my words for most of the day, a side effect of being a thinker, and I wasn't happy. I couldn't really find the words to say what I wanted to anyway. I know which words are daggers and which words calm the storm, but none of them seemed to describe how I was feeling. But then I used the only words I could find to describe how I felt - and it only made things much worse. One more lesson learned. And now...well, I guess I'm out of words.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Familial Discord and Talk Of Sex Swings...These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things.
In exactly one week, I will be venturing home for the first of the major holidays. It'll only be for a week and I won't be taking my daughter with me, but I'm still very much looking forward to it. Thanksgiving is about the only holiday that just about everyone in my family goes home for. In fact, this time of year provides some of the better material for this blog and stories to tell friends in general. There was last year's great turkey debacle, followed by the construction of the play kitchen from hell. And, I'm not sure if this one made it to my blog or not, one of my favorite conversations ever took place last year a few days before Turkey Day. When most of the fam, young and old, were watching an episode of 'Law & Order' and my uncle made a crack about handcuffs and whether or not they had a latch on the side or if there's a key (a dig at my alleged bedroom activities). Without missing a beat my female cousin answered the question in a very knowledgeable way, which mortified my uncle who raised her but made the rest of us laugh hysterically. Then we all launched into a conversation about bondage. So...yeah, not your traditional family, nor Thanksgiving. But it's fantastic. I love these people and the trouble than ensues when we're all in one place.
But this year I'm not really sure what to expect from the festivities. Same characters, but the plot has totally changed from a year ago at this time. I mean, do we talk about my brother's issues or do we ignore all that and move on? Does anybody say anything about my cousin's ex-girlfriend getting engaged to her boy toy of thirty seconds, five minutes after she broke up with my cousin? Is it rude to bring up my other cousin's decision to freeze her eggs before we have dessert? Since our great grandma is no longer around to ask, should someone else ask yet another cousin if he's 'still one of the gays'? These are the questions I go into the holiday with. I think we're all pretty much done with my brother's drama. Thankful that he's even around to celebrate another holiday but still pissed at what he's put his wife and kids through. So I guess it's a season of uncertainty for my fam. And that makes me a little uneasy. But I'm gonna go out to see everyone anyway and just try and enjoy the ride. And I'm definitely not building anymore play kitchens.
But this year I'm not really sure what to expect from the festivities. Same characters, but the plot has totally changed from a year ago at this time. I mean, do we talk about my brother's issues or do we ignore all that and move on? Does anybody say anything about my cousin's ex-girlfriend getting engaged to her boy toy of thirty seconds, five minutes after she broke up with my cousin? Is it rude to bring up my other cousin's decision to freeze her eggs before we have dessert? Since our great grandma is no longer around to ask, should someone else ask yet another cousin if he's 'still one of the gays'? These are the questions I go into the holiday with. I think we're all pretty much done with my brother's drama. Thankful that he's even around to celebrate another holiday but still pissed at what he's put his wife and kids through. So I guess it's a season of uncertainty for my fam. And that makes me a little uneasy. But I'm gonna go out to see everyone anyway and just try and enjoy the ride. And I'm definitely not building anymore play kitchens.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Holy Roller
One of my favorite people on earth visited me last week and we hadn't seen each other in almost a year. I've mentioned this before but my cousin is awesome. I love everyone in my family and I know I shouldn't play favorites but the two of us get on very well and always have. The crazy thing about that is we're actually very different people. Same sense of humor but we live our lives very differently. She would marry Mr. Right tomorrow if he came along today and have his babies by the weekend, whereas I am quite content to wait a few more years before I have more kids and set down roots. She's religious and goes to church every Sunday, I'm not religious and well, ya'll know my Sunday routine. Oddly, our difference in religion seems to be one of the things that's brought us closer over the years. My family isn't all that religious (that I know of anyway, more on that later) but I remember being home a few years ago, back when I was still questioning and hadn't found what worked for me yet, and my mom and I were in the car and the talk turned to god. I don't remember what I said but I know I offended her and that was the last time I ever talked about my own beliefs (or hers) with my mother. That is also how I learned to shut my mouth about religion.
Last year I joined a dating site (something well documented here) and it asked about religion and I didn't list specifics but let it be known that I'm quite serious about what I do believe. I didn't think it would be a big deal to date or talk to someone with different beliefs since it hasn't been in the past. But then I got a very large number of messages from women who listed themselves as Agnostic or Athiest and it bothered me for some reason. I have friends who are Agnostic so that wasn't a big deal but I still don't think I could date one and especially not an Athiest. Everything is a learning experience and I learned that, while I don't really care what religion the person I date believes in, they have to believe in something or else it's not gonna work. One of my last girlfriends was pretty religious and so was her family and I was a little worried about how that would work out for us in the beginning. But on our second date, we had a very long and in-depth conversation about all things religion and we both knew what page the other was on. She did her thing, church every Sunday and Bible study every week, and it was just that - her thing. I understood how important her faith was to her and she understood how important mine is to me. And that acceptance on both ends was awesome.
I think I give off some kind of vibe about religion and I'm not sure why. I'm not anti-religion at all, I actually like reading up on religions and, eventually, I'm gonna make it through most of the sacred texts. What I don't like is the commercialization of religion and I don't understand mega-churches and how some people claim to be uber-religious but cast that by the wayside when it's convenient for them. And the way some people try and force their beliefs on others is really a pet peeve of mine. Someone called me anti-religious the other day and it really bothered me for some reason. I mean, I don't have a religion but that doesn't mean I'm against others who do. I think whatever works for people is their biz unless they choose to share it. But I know it's a very personal thing for a lot of people and it can also be an uncomfortable topic, which is probably why there's so much ignorance about other people's faiths.
I was raised Catholic, attended a Catholic school for two years and most of my family would still classify themselves as Catholic. But the thing about my family is that we don't tend to talk about big stuff like religion much, if at all. I don't know why that is. We talk about everything except religion and my accident. And they both feel like some big secret we're not supposed to speak of. I doubt the majority of my family even know what I believe nowadays. In the aftermath of my accident and the worst year of my life, I heard a lot of, "It's god's will" or, "She's in a better place" and it rubbed me completely the wrong way. And no one's said much since. I guess they're just glad I believe in something after all the hell and the dark ages and such. But I don't know why we can't talk about it. I know beliefs are deeply personal to everyone and it's easy to get offended when someone says something about what you believe. But when you think about it, it's called 'faith' for a reason. The majority of people believe in something they have no concrete proof of. *sigh* I have no idea why I'm so religion-y today. Just something to think about I guess. I'm sure I'll expand on this later.
Last year I joined a dating site (something well documented here) and it asked about religion and I didn't list specifics but let it be known that I'm quite serious about what I do believe. I didn't think it would be a big deal to date or talk to someone with different beliefs since it hasn't been in the past. But then I got a very large number of messages from women who listed themselves as Agnostic or Athiest and it bothered me for some reason. I have friends who are Agnostic so that wasn't a big deal but I still don't think I could date one and especially not an Athiest. Everything is a learning experience and I learned that, while I don't really care what religion the person I date believes in, they have to believe in something or else it's not gonna work. One of my last girlfriends was pretty religious and so was her family and I was a little worried about how that would work out for us in the beginning. But on our second date, we had a very long and in-depth conversation about all things religion and we both knew what page the other was on. She did her thing, church every Sunday and Bible study every week, and it was just that - her thing. I understood how important her faith was to her and she understood how important mine is to me. And that acceptance on both ends was awesome.
I think I give off some kind of vibe about religion and I'm not sure why. I'm not anti-religion at all, I actually like reading up on religions and, eventually, I'm gonna make it through most of the sacred texts. What I don't like is the commercialization of religion and I don't understand mega-churches and how some people claim to be uber-religious but cast that by the wayside when it's convenient for them. And the way some people try and force their beliefs on others is really a pet peeve of mine. Someone called me anti-religious the other day and it really bothered me for some reason. I mean, I don't have a religion but that doesn't mean I'm against others who do. I think whatever works for people is their biz unless they choose to share it. But I know it's a very personal thing for a lot of people and it can also be an uncomfortable topic, which is probably why there's so much ignorance about other people's faiths.
I was raised Catholic, attended a Catholic school for two years and most of my family would still classify themselves as Catholic. But the thing about my family is that we don't tend to talk about big stuff like religion much, if at all. I don't know why that is. We talk about everything except religion and my accident. And they both feel like some big secret we're not supposed to speak of. I doubt the majority of my family even know what I believe nowadays. In the aftermath of my accident and the worst year of my life, I heard a lot of, "It's god's will" or, "She's in a better place" and it rubbed me completely the wrong way. And no one's said much since. I guess they're just glad I believe in something after all the hell and the dark ages and such. But I don't know why we can't talk about it. I know beliefs are deeply personal to everyone and it's easy to get offended when someone says something about what you believe. But when you think about it, it's called 'faith' for a reason. The majority of people believe in something they have no concrete proof of. *sigh* I have no idea why I'm so religion-y today. Just something to think about I guess. I'm sure I'll expand on this later.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Odds & Ends
I have about eight posts that are in various states of completion so I decided to combine a couple because I'm a bit lazy today. It's like a blotter of random crap. Don't worry, it won't be a common occurrence. We will return to our regularly scheduled blogging soon.
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Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't
My medical stuff has potentially taken a turn in the past few days. I feel okay and, thankfully, the side effects of the steroids have been less. But the doc thinks it might be better for me to start a new form of treatment sooner rather than later. It was decided that I could try the steroids for a few more weeks and then if my levels weren't where they needed to be, we would try the next option. The problem for me is I've done some research on the next option and it leaves much to be desired. Steroids make me a crazy person sometimes (although my stubborn nature seems to be helpful in overpowering some of the side effects) but this new drug is basically a cancer medication and the side effects are literally a mile long. But that's not even the scariest part. Apparently this medication has been linked to some brain disorder that kills people in a matter of months. That do not sound pleasant. Also, while I only have to take this one four times a month, it has to be done in a hospital intravenously and I have to plan to sit there for at least three hours at a time. Ugh. I don't know what to do. The doc says it's "unlikely" my levels will get where they need to be with the steroids and he's uncomfortable tapering off the dosage when I'm not stable. But the side effects of the new drug could be worse than the benefits. So after researching some more, I decided I want to give the steroids a little more time. It's likely not going to make things any worse anyway. The doctor has decided to try and convince me otherwise and we have a meeting in the A.M. so he can address my concerns and we can figure out what actually comes next. *sigh*...Decisions to make...
==============
Scenes From A "Marriage"
Today, for the first time in EONS, I got to talk to a friend of mine (the one previously mentioned to be dating a holy man) that is better known as my "wife", if only on Facebook. Awhile back she was being pestered by some dude on her FB page to come to a singles mixer or something and to get him off her back she listed me as her husband. It worked and the dude backed off and we've both been too lazy to change it since (but I also don't use FB much anymore so I don't really care what my status is). It makes for good comedy anyway. How many people can talk about the people they're dating with their "spouse"? Anyway, here are a few highlights from our conversation of awesomeness.
W: And the dingbat Kardashians....
Me: How fucking ridiculous is that? 72 days.
W: Thank you!
W: Even you would last longer.
Me: lol Um...thanks for that backhanded compliment.
W: lol I was about to say, "You're welcome for the vote of confidence."
=====
W: I'm Catholic but just to get the holy man going, I mention the Easter bunny and Jesus in the same sentence.
=====
W: My co-worker's roomie will call and say, "W., this is God...I know what you're doing at night. And I don't approve."
Me: lol My wife will talk to me about the little Jesus on the shoulder of whatever lady friend I happen to have at the time.
W: LOL
W: There are all kindsa things wrong with what you just said that they would freak out any person that didn't already know us.
=====
W: Speak of the reincarnated devil.
Me: Ok, it's the second post on the page.
W: I don't have the link saved on this computer.
Me: Oh for the love of reincarnated God, hang on...
W: LMAO
==============
Waisted
A few weeks ago, I had a little too much to drink on the advice of my mother. I had pain in my shoulder and she told me to have a drink to relax. I had like six drinks and I is not as steady on my feet after six drinks as I was in the pre-steroid era. But texting turned out to be my real problem. Basically if I tried to write more than five words in a text, I made a typo. It provided fun for my loved ones and, whilst my shoulder pain went away, my head throbbed for days after. Let this be a lesson kids - NEVER drink and text. And NEVER trust your mom when she says drinking will solve your problems.
"I may be a little durnk"
(Self-explanatory)
"Wouldn't it be cool if you died?"
(My attempt at...actually, even if you know the story behind it it doesn't make it any better so let's move on.)
"My mam told me to drunk for my shoulder pan"
(Change 'mam' to 'mom' and 'drunk' to 'drink'. Oh yeah and it should be 'pain', not 'pan'.)
"Well she's gonna be someone else's bird so you have to get over to her."
('Bride' was the word I was looking for. Also, there should be no 'to' between 'over' and 'her'.)
"I didn't know you were such a rapist"
(Was supposed to say 'racist'.)
Friend: "Maybe you should stop texting, I think you're too wasted."
Me: "Waisted. You know I'm a gramma whore."
Friend: "LMAO! Read that back."
Me: "Damn it. WASTED. You had it right."
Friend: "Uh, I'm more concerned with you whoring out grandmas dude."
(Again, self-explanatory)
=============
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't
My medical stuff has potentially taken a turn in the past few days. I feel okay and, thankfully, the side effects of the steroids have been less. But the doc thinks it might be better for me to start a new form of treatment sooner rather than later. It was decided that I could try the steroids for a few more weeks and then if my levels weren't where they needed to be, we would try the next option. The problem for me is I've done some research on the next option and it leaves much to be desired. Steroids make me a crazy person sometimes (although my stubborn nature seems to be helpful in overpowering some of the side effects) but this new drug is basically a cancer medication and the side effects are literally a mile long. But that's not even the scariest part. Apparently this medication has been linked to some brain disorder that kills people in a matter of months. That do not sound pleasant. Also, while I only have to take this one four times a month, it has to be done in a hospital intravenously and I have to plan to sit there for at least three hours at a time. Ugh. I don't know what to do. The doc says it's "unlikely" my levels will get where they need to be with the steroids and he's uncomfortable tapering off the dosage when I'm not stable. But the side effects of the new drug could be worse than the benefits. So after researching some more, I decided I want to give the steroids a little more time. It's likely not going to make things any worse anyway. The doctor has decided to try and convince me otherwise and we have a meeting in the A.M. so he can address my concerns and we can figure out what actually comes next. *sigh*...Decisions to make...
==============
Scenes From A "Marriage"
Today, for the first time in EONS, I got to talk to a friend of mine (the one previously mentioned to be dating a holy man) that is better known as my "wife", if only on Facebook. Awhile back she was being pestered by some dude on her FB page to come to a singles mixer or something and to get him off her back she listed me as her husband. It worked and the dude backed off and we've both been too lazy to change it since (but I also don't use FB much anymore so I don't really care what my status is). It makes for good comedy anyway. How many people can talk about the people they're dating with their "spouse"? Anyway, here are a few highlights from our conversation of awesomeness.
W: And the dingbat Kardashians....
Me: How fucking ridiculous is that? 72 days.
W: Thank you!
W: Even you would last longer.
Me: lol Um...thanks for that backhanded compliment.
W: lol I was about to say, "You're welcome for the vote of confidence."
=====
W: I'm Catholic but just to get the holy man going, I mention the Easter bunny and Jesus in the same sentence.
=====
W: My co-worker's roomie will call and say, "W., this is God...I know what you're doing at night. And I don't approve."
Me: lol My wife will talk to me about the little Jesus on the shoulder of whatever lady friend I happen to have at the time.
W: LOL
W: There are all kindsa things wrong with what you just said that they would freak out any person that didn't already know us.
=====
W: Speak of the reincarnated devil.
Me: Ok, it's the second post on the page.
W: I don't have the link saved on this computer.
Me: Oh for the love of reincarnated God, hang on...
W: LMAO
==============
Waisted
A few weeks ago, I had a little too much to drink on the advice of my mother. I had pain in my shoulder and she told me to have a drink to relax. I had like six drinks and I is not as steady on my feet after six drinks as I was in the pre-steroid era. But texting turned out to be my real problem. Basically if I tried to write more than five words in a text, I made a typo. It provided fun for my loved ones and, whilst my shoulder pain went away, my head throbbed for days after. Let this be a lesson kids - NEVER drink and text. And NEVER trust your mom when she says drinking will solve your problems.
"I may be a little durnk"
(Self-explanatory)
"Wouldn't it be cool if you died?"
(My attempt at...actually, even if you know the story behind it it doesn't make it any better so let's move on.)
"My mam told me to drunk for my shoulder pan"
(Change 'mam' to 'mom' and 'drunk' to 'drink'. Oh yeah and it should be 'pain', not 'pan'.)
"Well she's gonna be someone else's bird so you have to get over to her."
('Bride' was the word I was looking for. Also, there should be no 'to' between 'over' and 'her'.)
"I didn't know you were such a rapist"
(Was supposed to say 'racist'.)
Friend: "Maybe you should stop texting, I think you're too wasted."
Me: "Waisted. You know I'm a gramma whore."
Friend: "LMAO! Read that back."
Me: "Damn it. WASTED. You had it right."
Friend: "Uh, I'm more concerned with you whoring out grandmas dude."
(Again, self-explanatory)
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Chastity Belts
I have two friends in very similar situations (though on opposite coasts) in their relationships. One I have known since college, way back when she was still a "rookie", a nickname I gave her because she was still a virgin (she, in turn, gave me a nickname - "bastard"). Eventually she ditched her virginity and later on became involved in a little something with a guy on the track to become a priest. Good idea? Eh, as long as she's happy. That didn't work out and she moved on to a long-term relationship that ended a few years ago. She's been dating a nice young lad (I can say that cuz they're both younger than me) for awhile now and it was made clear very early on that he is also considering becoming a holy man and fornication is a no no. This was not really an issue in the early days cuz they were just letting it take them where it may and sex was an afterthought. However, they are now in the stage of really, really, REALLY liking each other and my friend is...well, she ain't liking this drought business. The other day she texted me that they'd gone to second base and I was oddly proud of that. But the day after that happened she was greeted with a lecture from the holy man about how they're not going to second base again. Something about how he's saving himself for his future wife. So although her kitchen be totally open for business, he's made it clear he will not be patronizing it unless a ring is put on it (if one ever is, it's still early). And so, the drought continues. Years ago, I would have said I didn't understand her attitude of staying with someone still in the shrink wrap, and she can vouch for that. But now, slightly more mature, I understand it's not about sex. It's about connection and so on. And as long as she's happy with him and it works, then more power to those crazy kids. If it doesn't work out, well maybe she can go for the hat trick of holy men.
The other friend of mine in this situation turned 34 this year and has a couple false starts in the 'happily ever after' category. He was engaged at 19 to his high school sweetheart but she was killed. He met and fell hard for one of my old high school friends a few years ago but that ended when she cheated on him (in his apartment, no less). Then he had an affair with a married lady ten years his senior (but no one thought that was gonna work out anyway). Now he's dating a chick his mom set up him up with and they really like each other. She's 33 and a virgin and told him on their second date that they would not be getting down anytime soon. He said he's willing to put sex on the back burner and see what happens between them. Well, apparently stuff is happening at an accelerated rate because she's started dropping hints that she wants him to meet her family. It could be nothing, their parents already know each other (that's how they met). But he feels like it could be a bigger deal. On top of all this, her family is VERY religious and he isn't so he's not sure how the meeting is gonna go. But people with different religious views date all the time and what's important is they like each other and they respect and can live with the other's views. I really hope this works out the way he wants it to, he deserves to be happy and I know he is (for the moment) with her. And out of all my friends, he's probably the most...well, he's probably the only one out of all of us that can go without for years (if need be). So more power to him.
It's funny how views change as you get older and experience more of life. In college I thought anyone who was still a virgin beyond 24 was some kind of religious weirdo. And there was no way I would have ever dated one. I did date an uber-religious chick who had only been with one other dude but that was post-college and was ill-fated from the start. I've always been attracted to older women so the virginity issue has been non-existent in my own dating experience. But my friends seem to be all over (pun intended) older virgins this year. A new trend I guess.
The other friend of mine in this situation turned 34 this year and has a couple false starts in the 'happily ever after' category. He was engaged at 19 to his high school sweetheart but she was killed. He met and fell hard for one of my old high school friends a few years ago but that ended when she cheated on him (in his apartment, no less). Then he had an affair with a married lady ten years his senior (but no one thought that was gonna work out anyway). Now he's dating a chick his mom set up him up with and they really like each other. She's 33 and a virgin and told him on their second date that they would not be getting down anytime soon. He said he's willing to put sex on the back burner and see what happens between them. Well, apparently stuff is happening at an accelerated rate because she's started dropping hints that she wants him to meet her family. It could be nothing, their parents already know each other (that's how they met). But he feels like it could be a bigger deal. On top of all this, her family is VERY religious and he isn't so he's not sure how the meeting is gonna go. But people with different religious views date all the time and what's important is they like each other and they respect and can live with the other's views. I really hope this works out the way he wants it to, he deserves to be happy and I know he is (for the moment) with her. And out of all my friends, he's probably the most...well, he's probably the only one out of all of us that can go without for years (if need be). So more power to him.
It's funny how views change as you get older and experience more of life. In college I thought anyone who was still a virgin beyond 24 was some kind of religious weirdo. And there was no way I would have ever dated one. I did date an uber-religious chick who had only been with one other dude but that was post-college and was ill-fated from the start. I've always been attracted to older women so the virginity issue has been non-existent in my own dating experience. But my friends seem to be all over (pun intended) older virgins this year. A new trend I guess.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Perspective
Ah, idiocy. It comes in so many forms these days. It's hard to believe that there are those who invented the wheel and those who are too stupid to get out of the way when they hear the wheel hurling towards them. A fellow in my building is a definite member of the lesser caveman group. He's a nice enough guy but he lacks more than a few common sense brain cells. Let's start from the beginning. A few nights ago, the power in my building went out. It was down for about ten minutes before there was a thirty second spark of light and then it went down again. Thirty minutes later there was power again, but only for thirty minutes (I guess that night's number was 30 and it was brought to us by the moron downstairs). Then - OUT. For I don't even know how many hours. It was only our building so people were flipping their fuse boxes and trying to figure out the issue. But there was nothing we could do so I sat in the dark with one flashlight and one candle and a toddler who was nervous and wide awake because of all the ruckus outside our door. Then the power kicks back on again but it only lasted about five minutes. Finally, it comes back on to stay and things start to calm down and the kid falls back asleep.
Yesterday we found out what the cause of this mini blackout was and it was...idiocy. I don't even know how else to describe it. Last week this dude decided to paint his apartment (in freakin' October) and brought in a big fan for the fumes because he didn't want to open the windows. This was genius move number one. The fan was too much electricity and the power went out in the middle of the day for about two hours (I wasn't home at the time). Genius move number two, although to his credit he did learn something from his mistake, was renting a generator to plug his new toys into. He also got some bright ass lights so he could "see the paint color better" but didn't plug those into the generator. Cuz those won't be too much for a normal electrical circuit, right? Genius move number three. So he's running all this crap at the same time and, surprise surprise, the power goes out. Does it occur to him that he's the reason it went out? No. Does he close up shop and stop plugging stuff into every outlet in his place? No. In fact, after the power came back on the first time he fired everything up and kept painting. I don't think dude is playing with a full deck, if even a half deck. So, the second time he plugged everything in was too much and thus the power was down for the count.
In the end, it was a minor annoyance but you know how we are these days. Even minor annoyances become major in a hurry. Until you're brought right back down to earth by your own health issues. I had an appointment the other day with my doctor to see how my steroids are working. The news was about what I expected; they may be working a bit but we don't know if they're working as well as we'd hoped. Ideally, my levels start to stabilize (though not get back to normal since they'll likely never be even close to normal again) and I can scale back on the steroids until I get to a dosage that just manages everything. (There's a tiny chance I could even go into remission at some point, but that's only if I'm REALLY lucky.) But all of that could be a ways off now. My levels are borderline and now I have two choices for treatment. I can stay the steroid course for a few more weeks and hope my levels get just over borderline, although it's unlikely to see anymore improvement from the steroids. Or I could start treatment with some cancer drug and hope it works it's magic. Oh, and it's more likely to work it's magic if they remove my spleen first. Fantastic. Given that I have grown quite attached to my spleen in the past 30 (there's that number again) years, I've opted to go the steroids route. I know it likely won't change anything but my levels are better than they were before I started them so maybe a few more weeks does help. It's a leap of faith but I really don't want to consider surgery and even harder core drugs yet. I don't know. It could be the wrong decision altogether. The hardest thing about this is that nobody I know has dealt with it before so nobody knows how to give me advice about what to do. So I'll go with the steroids. And hope that it works out.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
I Like You...Let's Get Married But Continue To Live Separately
I've had a couple of conversations the past few days about kids and marriage and what it all means. It's amazing how your views change as you get older and have more life experiences. For the longest time I wanted three kids, which is not unusual since you usually want the same amount of kids you grew up with. Then I didn't want any cuz this world is a little much to bring a little being into. Then I had one and it was the greatest thing ever. It still is the greatest thing ever (some days) but my little being is no longer at an age where she thinks everything I say or do is awesome. She's now at the age where she realizes her dad is a gigantic nerd who is probably gonna cry when she starts school in a few years. And honestly, although I love the girl more than life, I miss her younger years. So it's probably not surprising that I've been looking at younger kids on the street and it's making my clock tick. The other night I was asked how many more kids I want and, for the first time in awhile, I lacked an immediate response on the subject. Normally I would immediately say I was done or I was on the fence but neither of those were what my gut told me. Instead, I went with at least two more kids, three at the max. That would be four kids total for me and that would be chaos. But it does sound kinda fun (on the good days, anyway). The person I was having this convo with said she knows me and knows how much I love kids and know for a fact that I want more. So I guess I can't say I'm on the fence anymore and I do definitely want more kids at some point. And it will happen if it's meant to be.
Today this same person and I had a conversation about marriage, and not for the first time. The first time we talked about it I said something about how I never wanted to get married and made it sound like the plague. I got called out and she said she thinks my opinion on marriage has everything to do with the fact that I'm not at that place in my life yet and so I run away from it. You stick with what you know and I know how to not be married. Our convo today veered off into cohabitation and whether it's a necessity for two people before they get married. I think if you're together long enough then you don't really need to live together before you get hitched. But I feel like if I were that into somebody I would probably wanna live with them, if I was sure they were it for me. My friend's opinion is that the big hold up about marriage for her is that whole pesky living together thing. She needs her space and thinks that living together would be too monotonous and would limit her freedom. And I get the whole needing space thing, most people need their own space, but I don't think it has to be so black and white. My sister and her partner have lived together forever and they're both the type to need their own space and time apart, and they get that. On the other hand, my cousin and his (now ex) girlfriend lived together for a few years and fought like cats and dogs because it was too much togetherness. So I guess it depends on who you end up with. If you end up with the right person, ya'll balance each other out and you navigate your way through it and everyone gets the amount of alone time they need. And it's interesting that that's the view I take on it cuz I'm a very independent dude myself. You would think I would be on board with a plan that calls for living separately but still being committed to one another. I don't know. Definitely something to think about I suppose.
The marriage talk today was prompted by the whole 72 day reality show wedding debacle. I love how this story had pissed so many people off for so many different reasons. It's ridiculous. It doesn't directly affect any of our lives and yet people are still both fascinated and upset. I don't understand the disconnect between these two people though. He seriously thought she was gonna move to middle America and be a basketball wife? Bless him if he truly believed that was gonna happen. This chick made like millions upon millions of dollars off of a sham wedding. I'm sure a lot more of us would get hitched if it only required a 72 day commitment and paid us $100,000 a day. Which brings me to another part of today's marriage convo - leasing with an option to...uh...keep leasing. I think that's the way to go about any relationship, really. Let's commit to five years, see how it goes and if we both still feel like it's the right thing, we'll re-up for another five years. Marriage is a contract after all. But it seems like marriage is becoming less and less sacred. I'm not exactly traditional (though I am in some ways I guess) but I do believe that if you commit to something forever, you should do all in your power to make it last for the long haul. Nowadays peeps get hitched on a whim and figure they can always just divorce at the first sign of trouble. It's so stupid. I don't know if this lease option will catch on but I wouldn't be surprised if it did. Traditional marriage seems to be losing favor since it's so easy to make a mockery of it. But, although I'm still firmly on the fence, it's nice to think that that old school kinda love might be possible.
Today this same person and I had a conversation about marriage, and not for the first time. The first time we talked about it I said something about how I never wanted to get married and made it sound like the plague. I got called out and she said she thinks my opinion on marriage has everything to do with the fact that I'm not at that place in my life yet and so I run away from it. You stick with what you know and I know how to not be married. Our convo today veered off into cohabitation and whether it's a necessity for two people before they get married. I think if you're together long enough then you don't really need to live together before you get hitched. But I feel like if I were that into somebody I would probably wanna live with them, if I was sure they were it for me. My friend's opinion is that the big hold up about marriage for her is that whole pesky living together thing. She needs her space and thinks that living together would be too monotonous and would limit her freedom. And I get the whole needing space thing, most people need their own space, but I don't think it has to be so black and white. My sister and her partner have lived together forever and they're both the type to need their own space and time apart, and they get that. On the other hand, my cousin and his (now ex) girlfriend lived together for a few years and fought like cats and dogs because it was too much togetherness. So I guess it depends on who you end up with. If you end up with the right person, ya'll balance each other out and you navigate your way through it and everyone gets the amount of alone time they need. And it's interesting that that's the view I take on it cuz I'm a very independent dude myself. You would think I would be on board with a plan that calls for living separately but still being committed to one another. I don't know. Definitely something to think about I suppose.
The marriage talk today was prompted by the whole 72 day reality show wedding debacle. I love how this story had pissed so many people off for so many different reasons. It's ridiculous. It doesn't directly affect any of our lives and yet people are still both fascinated and upset. I don't understand the disconnect between these two people though. He seriously thought she was gonna move to middle America and be a basketball wife? Bless him if he truly believed that was gonna happen. This chick made like millions upon millions of dollars off of a sham wedding. I'm sure a lot more of us would get hitched if it only required a 72 day commitment and paid us $100,000 a day. Which brings me to another part of today's marriage convo - leasing with an option to...uh...keep leasing. I think that's the way to go about any relationship, really. Let's commit to five years, see how it goes and if we both still feel like it's the right thing, we'll re-up for another five years. Marriage is a contract after all. But it seems like marriage is becoming less and less sacred. I'm not exactly traditional (though I am in some ways I guess) but I do believe that if you commit to something forever, you should do all in your power to make it last for the long haul. Nowadays peeps get hitched on a whim and figure they can always just divorce at the first sign of trouble. It's so stupid. I don't know if this lease option will catch on but I wouldn't be surprised if it did. Traditional marriage seems to be losing favor since it's so easy to make a mockery of it. But, although I'm still firmly on the fence, it's nice to think that that old school kinda love might be possible.
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