Breaking Down Is Easy

I feel all kindsa disoriented right now. Sometime within the next 48 hours I start my new drug regimen. Basically I have to sit in a chair (in the cancer ward, no less) once a week for the next four weeks and get pumped full of a drug that the doctor hopes will send my levels to where they need to be. As with the last course of treatment there are no guarantees and it's all very wing and a prayer. I think what annoys me the most is that this is going to be three hours a week where I am gonna be unable to do anything constructive cuz I just have to sit there. And when I sit too long with nothing to do, I start thinkin' and it rarely turns out well. The doc says the first dose will likely knock me on my ass for a day and a half so I should be ready for that. The rest of the doses shouldn't be as bad but they emphasized that everyone responds differently and that it is a drug typically used to treat cancer so it's not small stuff. That freaks me out more than a little. But not as much as the possibility of having my spleen removed. I had another blood test and unfortunately I've regressed. My levels are going the opposite direction of where we want them to be and are close to being where they were when I was first diagnosed, which explains why I've been more fatigued than usual lately. On top of that my spleen is (once again) swollen and the doc says he doesn't recommend removing it anytime soon but that I should keep in mind it could be a last resort. I feel like every time he tells me my spleen is swollen, he follows up by telling me to give it last rites. But that's a problem for another day. I'm just very nervous and not sure how to feel about all this. I knew this whole different drug thing was coming but that doesn't make it any less scary. I've been on edge the last few hours since I finished reading all the stuff the doctor gave me. I'm kinda in that place where you're on the verge of breaking down and feel like any little thing could be the catalyst (although that's about more than just the medical stuff). But I won't break down. I'll write this, then I'll internalize and then I'll try to get some rest.