I had a bad day. And yet, I still wish there were more hours in this day so I could sort out how I feel. I've spent the last few hours being talked down by a friend but I still have a lot to get off my chest. I feel frustrated. I just came down from being pissed off. I feel like what I've tried to say today fell on deaf ears. I feel a lot of things that I probably won't feel in the morning but I have to get them out somewhere and this is my forum.
I don't do many things right. My long list of fuck ups has been well documented here and everyone in my life knows just about everything I've fucked up cuz I'm an open book with my inner circle. But the reason I love these people is because they don't throw my fuck ups back in my face. In the moment, they will tell me everything I need to hear about what I'm doing wrong (constructively, of course) but once that moment has passed they move on from it (unless there's a reason to remind me of it, but that's never done in a malicious way). Because throwing someone's screw ups back in their face only takes them back to a bad place and makes them feel bad about themselves. And when you feel bad about yourself, you don't want to gravitate towards the good things because you don't believe you deserve them. And so, if you're me, you self-sabotage yourself to within an inch of your life because of that feeling of not being worthy. It's a fucking vicious cycle. I hate having the times I fucked up thrown in my face and I LOATHE when I feel like I'm not being heard. I don't care if I come down on the right or wrong side of an argument, I just need to know that what I'm saying is actually being heard. And I don't feel like that's the case right now. Maybe it's another miscommunication, I don't know. But it doesn't feel like a miscommunication. It feels like I was asked why I'm not okay and I said why I'm not okay and it didn't matter anyway. The response was that the other person got defensive and constantly reminded me of everything I've fucked up and nothing was any better than before we started having the conversation. Actually that's not true, things may have been made worse by my saying how I felt. And not for the first time. I'm just so fucking drained right now. There's so much I wanna say and so much I wanna do but none of it feels like the right thing. And I feel like I've gone completely inside myself because every time I try to come out and be honest and answer the question of how I feel, it gets turned into something else and I'm still not okay anyway. And then the other person cries and isn't okay and that's worse than my not being okay.
Another thing I can't stand is when something is repeated to me over and over like I'm an idiot who didn't hear it the first twenty times. Yes, I've fucked up and on many, many occasions. And they've said their peace and I've taken in what they say and genuinely listen to it and understand it but it always comes up again and gets tossed back at me. And now it feels like even if I right the ship and follow through and do all the things I should, it wouldn't make a fucking bit of difference. I'm sure I'd just fuck up the follow through in some way or another. I don't know. I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't wanna fight. I don't wanna repeat my position or hear them repeat theirs. I want things to be okay but I'm nowhere near that and I don't know how to get either of us closer to that. I've taken responsibility for my part in the fights and I've tried to figure out how to get over it and be okay but I can't just conjure myself into that state. I can only feel how I feel and they can only feel how they feel but I seriously feel like what I say doesn't matter. If I'm quiet, then it's assumed I'm moody or being "weird". If I'm honest, that seems to backfire too. If I say I don't know how to be okay, it gets turned into me saying that I want out. So what the hell am I supposed to be? That's when I retreat and I internalize everything and I get quiet. And we talk about "sides" (and maybe I was wrong to use that word in the context I did) and seeing different ones and I didn't mean it to sound as if this person exposed some hidden side of themselves because I know that's not true. But I don't feel like I've shown a side of myself they didn't know either, even though they tell me differently. And no matter how much I say or write, it's still not enough. I still feel off. It's just another cycle and I hate it.
*sigh*...SO...what is my problem? Apathy, that's my problem. And it's not a new one. When I get hurt, I retreat and something clicks and I go into apathy mode until it feels safe to come out. Apathy is my bomb shelter. If you don't open up, you don't get hurt. If you don't care, you don't get attached and thus you can't get hurt. I think apathy did it's damnedest to take over in the midst of this fight and in the immediate aftermath. But it couldn't do its usual job because I already care SO much. I can't not answer a text or ignore an email because this person has a pull on my heart. So instead I distanced myself and was not fine. Then I felt a little bit better but not 100%. So I threw open the doors of my shelter and put it all out there in an effort to repair things. Big. Fat. Mistake. Because now I feel even worse. And now things are even worse and they were already weird to begin with. And I care so fucking much about this person that it hurts. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say and I'm just really tired. But even in my frustrated/angry/whatever the hell I am right now state, I want this person to have the absolute best out of life and get everything they've ever wanted. They deserve all of that and so much more and definitely deserve more than I've given. So I don't know. I have no idea where things stand with us or where they'll stand in the morning. We certainly didn't solve anything today. This sucks.
