Our Love Is Riding On Its Rails. It Sputters, Sparks, Then Fails

I am unhappy. That's the cliff notes version of my emotions right now. I started the day sad and somewhere along the way ended up even sadder before arriving in the land of pissed off. And I stayed there for about an hour and a half. I haven't been that angry in a long, LONG time. I've since come down from that and am just...I don't know. I had no outlet for my anger so I decided to work out and listen to some music (meditation just wasn't gonna cut it this time around). But that didn't help since the songs coming up on my shuffle were...let's just say interesting, given the situation at hand. And so I will write. Because everything else that usually helps is failing me at the moment.
I overheard a conversation while home with my family that got me thinking about a lot of things. I mean, A LOT of things. But while it was prompted by that convo, I'm sure it also has something to do with the season. I've never gone into a new year with so much uncertainty. And yet, everything will be resolved within two weeks time (some of it much sooner than that). There's a custody hearing that will (knock on wood) be the last one for awhile and put us into an agreement we can both live with long-term. There's a doctor's appointment that will tell me whether I'll be undergoing four more weeks of treatment for my anemia. There are two job interviews that will potentially affect the way I live. And then as the year moves forward, there will be dealing with sending my girl to preschool and watching my teenager move out on her own. I hate change. But ready or not, it's coming.
Before any of that, I have to deal with the state of a relationship that's important to me. I care very much about the other person and I want everything to work out in the best way possible for them. I want to fix things. But I can't help but wonder if that's even possible. Like, even if I do, am I still going to feel like I'm not being heard? Are there still going to be knock down, drag out fights where things that can't be taken back are thrown around? Is everything that's ever gone wrong going to be brought up again during those fights? Like I said in my last post, I genuinely do not know what to do. I want it to work, I don't want anybody to get hurt ever, but...I can't even explain it. I feel like I'm in a space that's too small. Picture a box and you're inside it and you're trying to get comfortable but it's four sizes too small. And it keeps being moved around for whatever reason and then repeatedly poked at with a stick. And every single blow is landing.
I definitely accept my role in all of this and know I am to blame for quite a bit of it. I'm not an idiot, I know what the score is. But just because I don't lash out about it doesn't mean I don't feel what's going on. I'm just emotionally spent. Today, especially. I dealt with family drama this morning and the relationship stuff all day long. It's been free falling over the edge, then pulled back up, then dangled over the ledge again needlessly. And as goes the relationship stuff, so go my emotions. Up and down and now...well, that brings me back to the beginning of this post. I just don't know how to feel. And I can't say that because it'd just be the wrong thing, since everything seems to be the wrong thing lately.
Someone pointed out to me recently that people communicate and fight in different ways but that part of a relationship is trying to walk a mile in the other person's shoes. And I've done that, I understand the issues here from the other person's perspective. The easiest way to explain is that I haven't given her what she needs, I feel like she doesn't listen to what I say and neither of us understands how the other one operates sometimes. One sentence sums up everything we're going through. When she's upset, she lashes out and she sometimes says things she'll take back once the storm blows over. When I'm upset, I stew about it and wait til I calm down to talk about it. When she's sad, she gets emotional and she needs to talk about it right away. When I'm sad, I get quiet and I'm stoic so I don't become a wreck. But just because I'm quiet on the other end of the line, that doesn't mean I don't feel anything at all or that I'm not equally upset about the state of things. *sigh* I don't know...it's been a long ass day and I need to sleep. If only I could...

If The Lyric Fits...

And I've spoken with all the other angels
They don't know what to do
And I agree with them wholeheartedly, I do.

Family Ties (Or Lack Thereof, Rather)

Happy Holidays kids. I have had an...interesting few days, to say the least. I've had the toothache from hell for about two days now and it was so bad the night before Christmas Eve that I woke up at three in the morning and took a handful of Tylenol. Since then I've been on ibuprofen round the clock, but the toothache has kept my mind off the constant joint pain. If it ain't one thing, it's another. But I slept (almost) through the night last night and have felt little mouth pain today and for that I am thankful cuz it hurt like a MOFO. My holiday has been uneventful this year. Not the usual grouping of stories to report back about. Part of that is the uncomfortable...uh...ness of my brother and his wife not being on speaking terms. Yeah, that was fun. Another reason is probably that the 24th marked the one year anniversary of a death in the family and everyone is still unsure of how to navigate it. But the holidays are for family and we've all been able to spend tons of time together so that's been awesome. And crazy aunt's sister (other crazy aunt) gave me the usual holiday grilling about when I'll be having more kids (not for a few more years at the very least) and getting married (never, and hopefully this year she got the message that my decision has been made on that subject).
This morning I spent an hour driving around with my loved ones looking for a Starbucks that was open. The line took forever and while we were waiting I got a call from an unknown number. I answered and had no idea who the person on the other end of the line was, even though she knew my name. The holidays bring out a lot of people I haven't heard from in awhile so I figured I was just drawing a blank on which friend this was. Only it wasn't a friend, it was one of my half siblings. Enter mixed emotions. I've written before about my brother's desire to reach out to some of our half sibs but my sister and I not needing to know anything about them. I don't know if my brother even keeps in touch with any of them but I know he met at least one in the months following our father's death. I also met one, though not exactly voluntarily, and we talked for a few before I let it be known I wouldn't be in contact with them anymore. I thought we were on the same page there. I thought that she would at least respect my decision not to get to know any of them. And she did, for awhile. She wished me a Merry Christmas and asked how I'd been doing, etc. and I didn't say much before saying I had to hang up because we were about to get our drinks.
The entire call was 2 minutes but it's provoked hours of mixed emotions and thoughts for me. After we hung up she texted that she'd like to talk again soon but I never replied. I guess I don't know how to feel. I definitely do not want to talk to her (or any of them) again. It may sound harsh but it's not like these people mean anything to me. I vaguely remember my mom telling us when we were kids that we had half siblings, we even knew their names, but I never thought anything about it. In a lot of ways our father's death turned a page for me and I'm not anxious to revisit that time at all. But I've been thinking about it today. In the immediate aftermath of his death I was intrigued by the things we had in common and I went through this weird period of needing to know more about him. Then I started to to hate what we had in common and I wanted to distance myself from those things. I told myself I'd revisit the similarities later on, when the emotions were less raw. But it's been two years and I've yet to do so. I don't want to. But...maybe today was a sign that I should...

All I Want For Christmas Is Some Icy Hot

Actually, I would prefer that version of Icy Hot that doesn't have a scent. Because the smell of Icy Hot just screams, "There is an old person in this vicinity!" and I'm not ready to go there yet. I'm home for the holidays and yesterday it was sunny and about 40 degrees and you didn't even need a jacket. Today? A foot and a half of snow and about 15 degrees (it'll be 8 degrees overnight). I woke up with a backache and then shoveled some snow, which didn't make the pain worse but also didn't help it. I did find the shoveling oddly calming though, which was new. I'm indifferent about snow in general. I grew up around it and have been through more than a few blizzards and I always find it funny when people complain about a little bit of snow. I loved snow as a kid because I got to play in it and then go inside for hot chocolate. I loathed it as a teenager cuz it meant I had to shovel and clean off the car before school. But now I guess I don't really care one way or another. Snow is nice though when it brings out the kid in you and you throw snowballs at small children for kicks. And when you see kids building snowmen (or 'oh-mans', as the younger kids call them) before heading into the house for hot cocoa and breakfast (which brought us the phrase 'awfuls', instead of 'waffles'). So today's snow was good. Maybe it will be a white Christmas.

Ain't That The Truth

An exchange with old friend Agent W.

Me: I hope you'll be available for advice giving yo.
Her: I'll try my best. Kind of have an action packed weekend too.
Me: No worries. I make equally poor decisions when we don't talk.
Her: I so very much wish I could disgree.

Deck The Halls

This is my family.

Uncle: What are you doing?
Mom: Hookin'
Uncle: You got a job!

(And now the backstory. My mom is working on some latch hook rug project and was assessing her next move when my uncle called.)
--
And another one from back in the day (read: 70's or early 80's).

Two of my uncles and their girlfriends decided to go caroling one year and were pretty decent singers. When they went to their grandparents house to carol, grandpa looked out the window, saw who was outside and turned off the lights and shut the blinds. Awesome.
--
In a few days I might be heading home for the holidays. I say 'might' because although I planned to go home, my doctor reminded me this week that I have to learn to take it easy and rest more. He's worried the stress of holiday flying might do more harm than good and I really don't wanna spend my time home being sick. But I also don't want my daughter to miss out on the holidays with the family. I figure I'll see how I feel after my treatment (the last one!) and then make the decision. If I choose to stay put I won't be alone but it will be a bit of a letdown to not be with all of my loved ones (Crazy Aunt, I'm talking to you). And it won't be the first Christmas I've spent away from home, I spent the holiday with a girlfriend's family a few years ago. I remember that being so foreign to me. Her family was great and we all pretty much got along but it was the first time I wasn't around my own family for the big day. Whether I go home or stay put though, I have to kinda, sorta do all of my shopping in like two days. I've done like 10% of my shopping so far. I'm a chronic last-minute shopper when it comes to Christmas but I'm not sure why, since I'm generally well prepared for whatever I need to get done. In years past I could blame this on my nog intake but I've given up drinking this month so I can't use that as an excuse. Maybe I just like being in a store and fighting two hundred other people for the last thing on the shelf. Upside: I can bring my pepper spray to aid with all my last minute shopping needs this year. Score.

A Simple Prop To Occupy My Time

I was up way too early this morning and I ended up at my best friend's place. I've been very down the past three days or so and she delved right into what was bothering me. And then we started talking about "the click". What is this "click" I speak of, you ask? Well it's been the death of the majority of the relationships this boy has had. And apparently it's contagious since a few members of my inner circle have dealt with the same thing. And we all hate it. I want to change it and maybe I've already turned a corner. I certainly hope I have. The cliff notes version of "the click" is that it's a light switch kind of moment where you tune out of a relationship. It's prompted by something, usually something small and happens primarily when you're looking for a way out of the relationship. It's kind of the same thing as not being ready to stay put so you look for ways to sabotage. And just like that, you shut off your feelings and start to move on, even if you're still technically with that person. I've dished out "the click" many times but have never been on the receiving end. I was, however, turned away by an ex once who was a victim of my tuning out.
Awhile back a close friend of mine introduced me to someone she thought would be good for me. She was beautiful, an Ivy Leaguer, and a music loving nerd like myself. She wasn't really my type physically but we had a lot in common so I pursued it anyway. It went surprisingly well at first. She was very forgiving of what I perceived to be my flaws. I even met her mom not long after we started dating because she was very close to her family and it didn't send me running for the hills to be taking what is usually a big step in a relationship. She left for work and things were great between us. Then her first night back I woke up in the middle of the night and looked over at her lying next to me. And I felt nothing. Still cared about her as a friend, wanted the best out of life for her, but I wasn't feeling the "it" that had drawn me to her in the first place. I didn't say anything and figured it was just one of those moments in a relationship when one person isn't as in it as the other but the pendulum would swing back around and we'd be fine. But after a few weeks things were still strained and I called it off, something she fought tooth and nail. We tried again a few months later but it was never the same. Eventually we both moved on and I became a father and things changed for me. We'd stayed friends (actual friends, not like when you say you're gonna be friends and then never speak again) but had never talked about trying again. Last year I went to a get together she had at her place and it struck me how awesome I'd really had it and I brought up the subject of us dating again. Shot. Down. She said she was happy I'd become the person she always knew I could be but that she didn't think our friendship could survive another try at dating and she didn't wanna lose me as a friend. Then she got brave and asked how things could've changed so suddenly for me when we dated before and I didn't know what to say. I tried to explain it to her and she thought for a second and told me I should've talked to her about "the click" instead of tuning out and making up my mind that that was it. And she's obviously right. We still talk now and then but aren't really friends anymore. But I'm glad we got that last chance to sort everything out between us.
I realize that I've stopped a lot of things that could've been great dead in their tracks because of this whole tune out thing. Everybody gets bored at some point in relationships but that's why you talk about it and get past it, rather than internalize and cut and run. Lesson learned. But the lesson is not always applied and that's what I need to work on. I just don't understand why I feel so on edge and upset right now. I have no real reason to be. And it annoys me that I don't know why. But I'm happy that it doesn't have anything to do this time with "the click". I guess that's something huh.

Ode To The Birthday Girl

Miss M...been a long couple of years for you, kid. And yet it doesn't seem like that long at all. I still remember the day you were born. I definitely remember your mother's pregnancy and the mood swings that would not end. Good times for all. Now here we are on your second birthday and you are nothing like what any of us expected. But then maybe we should've expected a little hell raising considering your genes and the fact that your mom went into false labor six times before you finally decided to grace us with your presence. (I still maintain you were laughing every time we got all excited about the possibility of birth, you kicked something fierce after every trip to the hospital). I love all of your cousins but I do feel some kind of extra bond with you and your brother, probably because I've actually had a hand in raising you both. And I write to all of you on your birthdays and other special days because they fly by way too fast and I hope that someday ya'll get to read what I wrote you. And maybe you'll think I'm a gigantic nerd for doing it but maybe you'll understand why I do it once you get older and/or become parents yourselves.
You are more mobile than any child I have ever been around. You started walking at nine months (so did I, high five!) and you have terrorized anyone who's in charge of watching you since. And when you take off you run like the devil is chasing you. Maybe you're gonna be an Olympic sprinter someday and you're just training yourself early. But it's both funny and terrifying when you run off because sometimes you try and run for the street. (And you need to stop that or someone is gonna get hit by a car trying to catch you.)
You are a very resourceful young lady. This time last year you discovered how to unlatch your crib and your playpen and gave your mother a heart attack when you tumbled out of your crib. You've since taken this skill a step further and figured out how to undo every child lock known to man. If we turn our back on you for thirty seconds you're into a cabinet or trying to open a door. Maybe you're gonna bust yourself (or your boy toy) out of a maximum security prison someday. I hope not, but hey it's still a good skill to have.
You are a climber. And you are less than graceful in your scaling. (Don't fight your lack of coordination, it's a family trait.) A few weeks ago you and I spent some time together and I turned around to talk to somebody. When I turned back to check on you, you were climbing on the couch, lost your footing and fell onto the carpet. You cut your little arm and I patched you up and held you while you cried for twenty minutes. Then you decided you didn't need no band-aid and you ripped it off and stuck it to the coffee table in defiance. Maybe you're gonna be as stubborn as me when you grow up. (Another family trait, although there is some discussion about whether or not you can fight it.)
You are in love with all things sports. Nick Jr.? Not for you. The ONLY way to make sure you stay on the couch and are quiet and entertained is to turn on a sporting event of any kind. You will sit there fascinated for hours and blink so little that we have to snap our fingers in front of your face to make sure you're alive. Hockey (woo!), football, baseball, soccer, basketball, boxing, you don't care as long as there's action. And it's hilarious to see this tiny little girly girl in all pink watching sports. Maybe you're gonna be a coach or a statistician or an athlete. Personally I think you would make a darn good coach now. And if you choose to be that, I will be at all of your games to watch you coach. Not sure what the equivalent of that is for statisticians but I'll figure it out and do that too.
The point is that I will love and support you no matter what you choose to be. And I cannot wait to see how all of that is going to turn out. You're very independent and as soon as you learn to do something, you wanna do it without assistance from then on. You're unlike anyone else in this sideshow of a family. And although it hasn't been the easiest of rides your first few years, I promise you it will only get better. You have a million people who love you and would do anything for you. Never forget that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS M!

"Friendship Is A Single Soul Dwelling In Two Bodies" - Aristotle

I got a text around noon yesterday saying, "I heard you died. Soooo...can I have your coffee maker? ;p". And with that, I was launched into some quality time with the best people I know. I was a huge fan of "Lost" and while a lot of people didn't like the series finale of that show, I thought it was brilliantly done and I loved the takeaway. The idea that we're linked to certain people in this life, the next and every life past who are there for all the important moments of our lives really struck a chord with me. I like that idea a lot. And I definitely have my little group to move through the ages with. These folks are without question soulmates to me. I've known all of them at least a decade, and a few since childhood. We've been through major losses, huge gains, two weddings, five engagements, two babies, a car accident, cancer and countless good and bad ideas. I can't imagine what I'd do without them. We're like a bunch of old marrieds now. Everybody knows everybody's business and everybody dishes out unsolicited advice. And that is incredibly comforting. They were there when the world came down the first time and they'll be there if it ever happens again. They bring me back down when I get too excited and carried away about something, as I am so often prone to do. They set me straight when I screw up or when I get in my own way and try and sabotage what's good for me. They show up unexpectedly when I've had a bad day or a health scare and cheer me up without even doing anything special. We're very similar in some ways (relationship patterns, anyone?) but extremely different in others. But we still gel. And it's amazing we're all still standing considering where we've been. And times like this weekend remind me of how lucky we really are. I don't use the word blessed very often but I definitely feel very blessed to have all of them in my life. Both this life and the next one.

Do Not Blindly Believe What Others Say. See For Yourself What Brings Contentment, Clarity and Peace. That Is The Path For You To Follow.

I found out today that my family's holy man (aka priest) died a few days ago. This dude knew our family through four generations and actually played a pivotal role in what happened to me post-accident. We had a conversation while I was still in the hospital, our first one in years since I hadn't gone to church in ages. He had been on call to give Last Rites if need be but instead ended up counseling me once I woke up. He was in his 70's at the time and had just talked to me about my girlfriend's accident a week or so earlier. Ironically he was about the only person who didn't tell me that it was "god's will" or any other crap try to tell you when you lose someone. He'd just listened. And he listened again while I was in a hospital bed telling him I didn't believe in anything anymore. His response? "Well I don't blame you, son." It was definitely unexpected but it was exactly what I needed to hear. Nobody else seemed to get that I just needed to be upset and grieve in my own way. A few weeks after I got out of the hospital I walked into church for the first time in a long time. We talked for a few hours about so many different things and I told him that I didn't understand why any of this stuff had happened and that I was so pissed off about it. He said I was having a major crisis of faith and that I needed to seek out something to believe in or else I was gonna self-destruct. That holy man knew what he was talking about. I did start seeking but I also took a break to self-destruct. I got caught up in all the bad stuff and lost touch with him, but he still talked to my aunt and company and knew what was going on with the family. One day I was reading through one of my books on religion and a certain passage (also the title of this post) reminded me of him. It was everything he'd told me years before. I saw him for what turned out to be the last time almost exactly a year ago. He looked good and he told me he was proud of me for getting things together. I told him I felt much better than before and was very much at peace with where I was, especially spiritually. He said he wanted to have a conversation about my "journey" but since it was the holidays, he was pretty booked up. I left before we could have that talk and now we won't get the chance to. But I will always be grateful for the talks we did have. RIP Father.

Break On Through To The Other Side

Hello there, it's good to be back in the land of the bloggers. It's good to be back in general. A very hectic and kinda scary few days round these parts. My teenager is still wanting to move out once the year turns over and, while I'm on board with the plan, her father is not. He wants her to stay with me until she graduates in 2013 (rapture permitting, of course). She's resistant to that idea and I can't say I blame her. She's thought about moving out for awhile, she can afford to do it if she has roommates and I'm sure she'll do just fine out in the world. Her dad vetoed the plan and when she resisted to doing what he wanted, he threatened to pull her tuition. What the hell kinda sense does that make? Granted, college degrees (especially in "creative" majors) are a bit obsolete now but she's more than halfway home so she may as well finish the race. And what kind of message is he sending anyway by making it more difficult for her to get an education? I don't get it. Dude can hold a grudge like nobody though and I know he's still upset that I agreed to take in his daughter instead of sending her right back to him. He's yet to actually follow through on the threat (I think because my aunt has taken him to task about it) so the plan to move out is still in motion. And I don't see the big deal. I love her like she's my own and if I had a single worry about her leaving then I would be protesting about it. But I really feel like it's the best thing for her. We've had five years together and it's been quite a ride but I think our relationship will improve greatly if we're no longer under the same roof. I just hope her father comes around.
The scary part of the last day or so involves the teenager and me and my anemia. Monday I had my second round of IV drugs but didn't get the same drunken high the first batch gave me (much to the chagrin of...well, everyone I know and love, who were looking for another free show). Instead I got this awful joint pain, which I had the first time but not immediately and not as bad. I'm supposed to check with the doc before I take any other medication so I inquired about what I could use for the joint pain and he recommended an OTC pill. I took two and it barely made a dent in the pain. The next day I called the doc again and he prescribed another painkiller, something I wanted to avoid like the plague but was willing to try cuz the pain was so terrible. It worked very, very slowly. I took the pill at like 4 but still had pain until about 1 in the morning. On top of that I have this cough (side effect of the IV meds) that is getting on my last damn nerve. Yeah, that was all kindsa fun. I finally fell asleep around 2 and had set my alarm for 9 so I could deal with some stuff in the morning. But that never happened. My alarm went off and it didn't rouse me. The teenager came home from a class and heard the alarm going off and came into my room to find me still asleep in bed. She tried to wake me and couldn't and she swears that I wasn't breathing when she found me (but I was more likely just deep sleeping). She freaked out, shook me really hard and I woke up and started coughing and it was hard for me to take a deep breath. I spent the day in the hospital and I'm off the painkiller now but it was definitely a little freaky. I cannot wait to be through with the last two doses (I hope) of this medication.

‎It Is Difficult To Accept That We Are Both The Prisoner And The Guard.

A friend of mine has a brother (we'll call him S to make this story a little easier to tell) who is 21, drinks too much and has two children by two different women, the most recent of which was born a week ago. S lives in one state, baby mama number two (henceforth known as Mary) was in another state in a home for mothers giving their babies up for adoption. S is supposedly "engaged" to some other chick but begged his sister to help him get to Mary so he could see the birth of his first son (we'll call him Jesus, in the spirit of the season). So his family pooled together and got him a bus ticket to where he wanted to go and he got there without incident. Part of his trip was to try and convince Mary not to give up the baby for adoption, something she had been on the fence about doing anyway. The baby was born and, after a lot of back and forth, they decided to keep him and named him (although not Jesus, nor any other name I suggested but I digress). And that's when an even bigger mess began. Mary and Jesus wanted to get back to her home state within hours of the baby's birth, partially because they had nowhere to go since she opted to keep the baby and couldn't go back to where she'd been staying. S seemed to think his family could just wave their magic wand and make everything he wanted a reality. He wanted his sister to fly to where they were and drive a ridiculous amount of hours to get mother and child (but not him) home. But she said no and they decided he'd drive overnight and stay with a friend of his sister's for a few days before figuring out their next move. While staying with his sister's friend, he drank and smoked and was generally uninterested in what was happening, other than trying to figure out how to get home. His sister said she'd fly him and the baby and Mary back to their home state but he didn't want to go. Actually it seemed like he didn't want to spend anymore time with either of them, he just wanted to get back to where he lives. So he was offered a flight to where he wanted to go and he refused it because of his anxiety about flying. Instead he opted for a two day, 40 hour bus ride. Early on in the ride he called his sister and asked her to get him a plane ticket in the next big city the bus would stop in because he was worried about some shady characters on the bus. She refused because he'd made his decision about what he wanted to do and he had to live with it. Later in the day he calls again, drunk, because he was kicked off the bus for (supposedly) being an innocent bystander in the midst of a fight between two dudes. He was more than halfway home when this altercation took place. It was midnight, he was stranded at a bus station and he was using some stranger's phone because the battery on his had died. And the phone call was the same as so many previous ones with him wanting his sister or his mom or anybody other than him to fix the mess he'd made. Eventually they figured out how to get him to the airport (although he almost got arrested on the cab ride over) and onto an airplane and, with any luck, he gets home without anymore incidents. But the whole thing is so stupid.
This was far from the first time this dude's sister and mother have had to clean up his messes. They're all tied together because mom would freak out if anything happened to him but she's dependent on his sister to be the go-between and figure everything out. And he doesn't seem to care about any of it or anything but himself. Earlier this year, he had moved to a new state to live with his brother and try and get his life together. He was sober, he was on a set schedule and he had a job that he was doing very well at. He was channeling his energy in a positive way and everyone was better for it. His sister's relationship with her mother improved because their every conversation was no longer about his latest fuck up. Not to mention they were both unburdened by wondering what his next fuck up would be. The downside for him of course was that the spotlight was no longer on him and he wasn't controlling everybody's situations. And apparently that bored him. After a few months of good behavior, he took off and started drinking again and met some chick he says he's engaged to. And everything went to hell again. And even if any of them were to cut the cord, I'm sure he'd still find a way back in and they'd still have to deal with whatever he does next. And round and round we go. As much trouble as my own brother has been this year, I know he's not a complete monster and that he will eventually come around (as he seems to be doing now). I can't imagine what it's like to not know if there's light at the end of this kind of tunnel. I'm exhausted and I haven't even dealt with any of it, so I know it's ridiculously tough for the people actually involved.
At the end of the day he's technically an adult (if only in age and not in mental capacity) and he's going to do what he's going to do. If he doesn't want to raise his kids, he won't. If he doesn't want to stay sober, he won't. Those are choices he makes for himself and the paths he choose will lead him wherever they may, and that would be fine if it were only affecting him but it's not. It's affecting everyone around him and that stuff is like a virus that will just weave its way through until something happens to stop it. And even if he's not 100% adult-like in his thought process, he can still choose to not do this to everybody. The fact that he was able to stay straight for awhile proves that. He was choosing not to engage in the bad stuff and then he chose to go back to it. Yes, addiction is a disease but it's one you do have the power to overcome. But HE has to be the one to choose that, you can't help somebody who won't help themselves. Nobody's conspiring to keep him down, this is all his doing. He makes the mess but someone else always cleans it up. And the most maddening part of it all is that he's just so ungrateful; uprooting everyone's lives because he doesn't feel like doing the right thing. He calls out for help, gets the response and attention he's looking for, apologizes and then does it all again. I hope for the sake of all involved, especially his kids, that he finds a way to get it together and keep it together. I don't know what that's going to take but hopefully it's sooner rather than later.

And A Cognac Kitchens We Will Go

Remember that fear I had about my new drug regimen? Fear no more. Because I have discovered that I do not get depressed or sick or moody on my new drugs. I. Get. AWESOME. I was warned up and down about what the side effects might be, especially after the first dosage. The list of potential side effects was literally a mile long and it's kind of a crap shoot as to who reacts badly and who doesn't. So I go in to get this thing started and have to take a couple of drugs and wait 30 minutes before I start the heavy stuff. They hook me up to this machine and to a blood pressure monitor and for the first hour or so, this nurse stares at me to "watch for any reaction". My only reaction was annoyance and apparently that's not a side effect they're worried about. The meds went in very slowly and they increased the dose every half hour or so. There weren't really any complications, although my blood pressure did drop quite a bit when they upped the meds the second time and I had to take a few hits of oxygen. I felt fine while I was getting drugged up, except I was bored out of my mind (the nurse would later tell me I could bring my laptop to my appointments to pass the time). I started feeling really cold the last hour I was hooked up to the machine and then I felt kinda out of it. And here is where the fun began. As soon as I was liberated from the doctor's office, I was on some kinda high. I don't even know how to explain it, I felt okay but very up and I found almost everything to be hilarious. I dropped my sandwich on the floor and just laughed at it. A friend asked me if I was excited about the NYC tree lighting and I said I didn't know if I was excited and then laughed my ass off for a good few minutes. I was texting about "wandagons" (which was supposed to be bandwagons), changed 'counting kitchens' to 'cognac kitchens' and told my mom half a dozen times that I loved her in the span of a half hour (think a drunken "I love you man!" but with the last part changed to 'mom'). I also yammered on to my sister about something I wasn't supposed to tell anybody, within earshot of one of the people I wasn't supposed to tell. Yeah. I was a blast. I almost felt drunk and I know I certainly sounded like I was.
Everything in life is an adventure and my foray into the new drug program was no different. And while I was seriously freaked out about the potential side effects (particularly the one where your brain disintegrates), I came away from it with a bit of a different perspective. First off, I had to be in the chemo ward to get my meds and I think I was the only one there not being treated for cancer (thank god for that). That put my illness into perspective cuz I very well could have been one of those people. The other thing that happened while I was there was I got to read up on how other patients have responded to this drug, both those who have what I have and those who don't. It could have been depressing since it really does seem random who sees improvement and who doesn't. But instead I chose to focus on the good stories and there were quite a few to choose from. A couple of people went into complete remission and were there for years afterward. That's obviously the best, best case scenario. We're going for stable but would gladly take remission, even if it's temporary.
So I guess at the end of the day I had less to be concerned about that I originally thought and that's always a good thing. I still have to take precautions though now that I'm on this drug. I can't be around people who have received live vaccines (flu shots, etc.) for too long since my immune system is suppressed. I also have to avoid sick people because they could literally be the plague if they pass on their illness to me. But all of that is minor since things could always be much worse. And I would avoid sick people anyway since I don't like having the flu (although I haven't had it since I was a kid). That's really been the only downside to the steroids is the way they suppress the immune system. I had trouble adjusting my moods and sleeping when I started them but once my body got used to them, that got much better. My immune system was already kinda weak to begin with but now it's like if someone breathes on me I have to be very aware of it. But like I said before, it could always be worse. And I am very thankful it isn't.