I was up way too early this morning and I ended up at my best friend's place. I've been very down the past three days or so and she delved right into what was bothering me. And then we started talking about "the click". What is this "click" I speak of, you ask? Well it's been the death of the majority of the relationships this boy has had. And apparently it's contagious since a few members of my inner circle have dealt with the same thing. And we all hate it. I want to change it and maybe I've already turned a corner. I certainly hope I have. The cliff notes version of "the click" is that it's a light switch kind of moment where you tune out of a relationship. It's prompted by something, usually something small and happens primarily when you're looking for a way out of the relationship. It's kind of the same thing as not being ready to stay put so you look for ways to sabotage. And just like that, you shut off your feelings and start to move on, even if you're still technically with that person. I've dished out "the click" many times but have never been on the receiving end. I was, however, turned away by an ex once who was a victim of my tuning out.
Awhile back a close friend of mine introduced me to someone she thought would be good for me. She was beautiful, an Ivy Leaguer, and a music loving nerd like myself. She wasn't really my type physically but we had a lot in common so I pursued it anyway. It went surprisingly well at first. She was very forgiving of what I perceived to be my flaws. I even met her mom not long after we started dating because she was very close to her family and it didn't send me running for the hills to be taking what is usually a big step in a relationship. She left for work and things were great between us. Then her first night back I woke up in the middle of the night and looked over at her lying next to me. And I felt nothing. Still cared about her as a friend, wanted the best out of life for her, but I wasn't feeling the "it" that had drawn me to her in the first place. I didn't say anything and figured it was just one of those moments in a relationship when one person isn't as in it as the other but the pendulum would swing back around and we'd be fine. But after a few weeks things were still strained and I called it off, something she fought tooth and nail. We tried again a few months later but it was never the same. Eventually we both moved on and I became a father and things changed for me. We'd stayed friends (actual friends, not like when you say you're gonna be friends and then never speak again) but had never talked about trying again. Last year I went to a get together she had at her place and it struck me how awesome I'd really had it and I brought up the subject of us dating again. Shot. Down. She said she was happy I'd become the person she always knew I could be but that she didn't think our friendship could survive another try at dating and she didn't wanna lose me as a friend. Then she got brave and asked how things could've changed so suddenly for me when we dated before and I didn't know what to say. I tried to explain it to her and she thought for a second and told me I should've talked to her about "the click" instead of tuning out and making up my mind that that was it. And she's obviously right. We still talk now and then but aren't really friends anymore. But I'm glad we got that last chance to sort everything out between us.
I realize that I've stopped a lot of things that could've been great dead in their tracks because of this whole tune out thing. Everybody gets bored at some point in relationships but that's why you talk about it and get past it, rather than internalize and cut and run. Lesson learned. But the lesson is not always applied and that's what I need to work on. I just don't understand why I feel so on edge and upset right now. I have no real reason to be. And it annoys me that I don't know why. But I'm happy that it doesn't have anything to do this time with "the click". I guess that's something huh.
