I am unhappy. That's the cliff notes version of my emotions right now. I started the day sad and somewhere along the way ended up even sadder before arriving in the land of pissed off. And I stayed there for about an hour and a half. I haven't been that angry in a long, LONG time. I've since come down from that and am just...I don't know. I had no outlet for my anger so I decided to work out and listen to some music (meditation just wasn't gonna cut it this time around). But that didn't help since the songs coming up on my shuffle were...let's just say interesting, given the situation at hand. And so I will write. Because everything else that usually helps is failing me at the moment.
I overheard a conversation while home with my family that got me thinking about a lot of things. I mean, A LOT of things. But while it was prompted by that convo, I'm sure it also has something to do with the season. I've never gone into a new year with so much uncertainty. And yet, everything will be resolved within two weeks time (some of it much sooner than that). There's a custody hearing that will (knock on wood) be the last one for awhile and put us into an agreement we can both live with long-term. There's a doctor's appointment that will tell me whether I'll be undergoing four more weeks of treatment for my anemia. There are two job interviews that will potentially affect the way I live. And then as the year moves forward, there will be dealing with sending my girl to preschool and watching my teenager move out on her own. I hate change. But ready or not, it's coming.
Before any of that, I have to deal with the state of a relationship that's important to me. I care very much about the other person and I want everything to work out in the best way possible for them. I want to fix things. But I can't help but wonder if that's even possible. Like, even if I do, am I still going to feel like I'm not being heard? Are there still going to be knock down, drag out fights where things that can't be taken back are thrown around? Is everything that's ever gone wrong going to be brought up again during those fights? Like I said in my last post, I genuinely do not know what to do. I want it to work, I don't want anybody to get hurt ever, but...I can't even explain it. I feel like I'm in a space that's too small. Picture a box and you're inside it and you're trying to get comfortable but it's four sizes too small. And it keeps being moved around for whatever reason and then repeatedly poked at with a stick. And every single blow is landing.
I definitely accept my role in all of this and know I am to blame for quite a bit of it. I'm not an idiot, I know what the score is. But just because I don't lash out about it doesn't mean I don't feel what's going on. I'm just emotionally spent. Today, especially. I dealt with family drama this morning and the relationship stuff all day long. It's been free falling over the edge, then pulled back up, then dangled over the ledge again needlessly. And as goes the relationship stuff, so go my emotions. Up and down and now...well, that brings me back to the beginning of this post. I just don't know how to feel. And I can't say that because it'd just be the wrong thing, since everything seems to be the wrong thing lately.
Someone pointed out to me recently that people communicate and fight in different ways but that part of a relationship is trying to walk a mile in the other person's shoes. And I've done that, I understand the issues here from the other person's perspective. The easiest way to explain is that I haven't given her what she needs, I feel like she doesn't listen to what I say and neither of us understands how the other one operates sometimes. One sentence sums up everything we're going through. When she's upset, she lashes out and she sometimes says things she'll take back once the storm blows over. When I'm upset, I stew about it and wait til I calm down to talk about it. When she's sad, she gets emotional and she needs to talk about it right away. When I'm sad, I get quiet and I'm stoic so I don't become a wreck. But just because I'm quiet on the other end of the line, that doesn't mean I don't feel anything at all or that I'm not equally upset about the state of things. *sigh* I don't know...it's been a long ass day and I need to sleep. If only I could...
