All that said, I am guilty of keeping a few secrets in my last relationship. Sometimes I felt like we could talk about anything, but even then I would hold back some stuff. Especially things about my sex life back in the dark ages. She told me very early on that she could never be with someone who had experimented in certain ways sexually and I filed that little tidbit away. At one point the subject of threesomes came up and I admitted to having had one. She was taken aback but got over it. The problem for me was that I've had more than one and, out of panic, I had said, "Yes" when she asked if it was "just the one time". And it wasn't really panic, it was just that I felt incredibly judged at that moment. When I said I had been involved in one threesome, she immediately threw out some line questioning my character and I didn't wanna know what the reaction would be if I fessed up to the full extent of my activities. She claimed it bothered her because she was worried I would want a threesome again in the future and that was never going to happen with her, which I already knew. We went happily along for awhile before the subject of how many people we'd been with came up. I've always believed that numbers are just that - numbers. It doesn't matter and it doesn't have any bearing on where we are now because it's in the past. She, however, delved deeper into the threesome thing and eventually I confessed to having had a few over the years, including one that was ongoing for a few months. The entire time I was answering her questions about it, I felt so uncomfortable but still didn't think it would be a big deal. And it wasn't until she said I was a liar for not telling her these things earlier, as if I was keeping something that had a direct effect on her life at that moment from her. Yes, I omitted some things and I shouldn't have said, "Yes" when she asked if it was a one time thing, but I tried to explain to her that she's never been in that position before of having her character questioned over a past experimentation. It fell on deaf ears. And, as if I didn't know to keep things to myself already, I decided not to share anything else about my past exploits. But I felt...I don't know, I just didn't like having to keep a whole section of my life and my past to myself when I should've been able to share it with someone I cared about (though not details, mind you).
The thing that made this conversation between her and I so laughable is that it was such a double standard. Because I often joke about being a manwhore, she took that to mean my "number" was a lot higher than it actually is. And once we started comparing, it turned out she'd done more volume than me in recent years. Prior to this chat I was under the impression (because she said as much) that she'd been with five guys total. Then the number jumped to seven, which I still had no opinion on. But as she started going through the list I noticed that our views on sex varied some. She talked about having spent a night she regrets with a friend, but went out of her way to say it was not a one night stand. So you had sex with someone once...never had it again with that person...but it wasn't a one night stand? Okay. It was like she had all these reasons why certain times didn't count and why her number really wasn't her number at all, etc. But if I had tried to say the same things, she would've been on me about lying about my past. She said all this even though she knew I didn't care. If she'd banged all seven guys in one week, I wouldn't have cared. The past is past and, as long as our pasts didn't leave us with anything disease-wise, they shouldn't matter. I also explained repeatedly that who I was in the dark ages is not who I am now. I've become a parent since then, I've grown up since then. And just because I had a few threesomes back then doesn't mean I'm gonna jump at the first opportunity to have them again in the future. People change and circumstances change. Yes, I did it because I could in my 20's but I've since learned that just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. That's called maturity (or so I hear).
Why is it so difficult to accept things a lover has done in the past? If our friends tell us about their exploits we laugh and joke along and help them when they need to find a way out of something. But when it's someone we're dating and/or sleeping with, there's a whole new set of rules that apply. I know part of it is jealousy, no one wants to think about the person they love being with anyone else, even if it's already happened. Another part of it is morals, we all have an idea of what is wrong and what is right in our opinion and for some people there is no grey area. I think that was the problem with her is that things were right or wrong, they were black or white and you just can't go through life like that. Or at least I can't. Hell, I spent the better part of my 20's living in that big ass grey area. My own perception of right and wrong were skewed. But I still don't regret anything I did sexually and I shouldn't be made to feel ashamed about it just because it goes against what someone else deems acceptable. She never scolded me for it or anything but I knew she was somewhat religious and that she didn't approve of my past activities. I would say, "What does it matter? It's all past, I'm with you now and I only want you", but it wouldn't change anything. She'd just make some comment about how I'd lied before about my past and she just wanted to make sure I wouldn't do it again. She'd say it was okay for me to tell her stuff in one breath and then in the next condemn the very same behavior she had asked me about. And I hated feeling guilty about it all the time. Or rather, I hated that there was this silence that made me feel like she wanted me to feel guilty about it. I never really did though. I did it, I'm not sorry I did it, but that doesn't mean I want to do it again. It's not like I thought I would wear her down on the threesome thing and just turn to her one day and say, "If you love me, you'll do this". That never even crossed my mind because I knew how against it she was. The irony was that she has more gay friends than anyone I have ever known but also has the most conservative views on sex (in some ways) of anyone I know. The other irony is two of her seven people were married when she slept with them, something I wouldn't ever do. My multiple partners are so hard for her to wrap her head around but her married ones should be no big deal. One thing I have learned from that experience though is that I need someone who I can spill all of my secrets to, not just select the ones that won't get me into too much trouble.
