E and I had a long conversation today about exes, specifically how we both have exes who were just awful to us at the end of the relationships. Y and myself can't help but feel partially responsible for the ish his ex put him through. She was a high school friend of ours who moved to the city and reconnected with us and Y thought she and E would be a good match. This chick seemed to have it all yo; career was on point, she was beautiful, she had two degrees and E fell completely head over heels for her. She knew of his past, that he'd lost his fiancee some years prior and that he was a cancer survivor and she took everything in stride. Within months, he was sure he wanted to marry this girl. I'd never seen him that happy before and it was fantastic. But all good things, right? They'd been together about a year and he was beginning to consider proposing when ish hit the fan in major fashion. By this time, she was coming and going from E's apartment pretty much whenever she wanted to, though he rarely spent time at hers. It was one of those, "Huh, that's kinda weird" moments when he mentioned this to the rest of us in conversation, but we thought nothing more of it. One afternoon, Y saw something between this chick and another guy that looked more than friendly, but she wasn't sure if it was her place to confront her about it. We decided to take a wait and see approach and it backfired majorly. A week later, E walked into his apartment to find her making out with some other fucker on his couch. She didn't even try to defend it and never apologized, only saying that he should've known all her business trips and nights when they weren't together were being spent with other men. He ended things immediately and she didn't put up much of a protest. He was a mess for years over her and then, inexplicably, he took her back when they ran into each other on a night out. I still remember when he told all of us they were back on. Our jaws all dropped in unison and then it was like we all took turns telling him how stupid a move it was. To his credit, ever the peacemaker, E listened to all of our concerns and thanked us for caring so much, and then quickly downplayed the severity of what he was doing. He made it seem as if he'd seen the light and was backing off, but really he was just keeping their being back together on the down low. And once she got her claws into him, she dug in deep yo. He was considering spending his life with her again and it was after he said he was heading in a proposal direction again that the ladies in the group broke it down for him and said she was probably still seeing other guys. He wouldn't believe it, but Y confronted the chick and sure enough, she had other men on the side again. And she was also still unconcerned about apologizing for her actions. She kept at it because she could and when she got caught, it was like no big deal and she moved on, not giving a damn about the mess she was leaving in her wake. I will never understand that ish. None of us ever understood it. But it was finally enough for E to ditch her altogether and, for that, I'm thankful. He hasn't dated much since and, of course, the cancer recurring didn't help matters.
While I did some pretty lowdown ish in my time, I never did any of it just because I could. I'm not saying that makes it any better, but I can't even wrap my head around fucking somebody over just because you know you can. And E pointed out that that's probably why I stuck it out so long with you know who. Yes, I cared about her and that was part of it, but it was also that I'd just never been involved with someone so manipulative and who could hurt someone so effortlessly and not feel a thing about it. And I had to sympathize with E's plight on a whole new level because I did the exact same thing with this chick that he'd done with his. There was no cheating, but she'd lash out, be very nasty and the whole thing would be called off and then she'd come back around with a fake ass apology and I'd take her back every time. She'd be nice for a week or two and then the whole cycle would begin again. It wasn't until she seemed to lose the handle on what she was doing herself that I finally saw the light. The niceness became a few days, maybe a few hours, before ish got screwed up again. I began to realize that I went into every interaction with her expecting a brawl and was constantly on the offensive because of it. And somehow, every time I thought we'd bottomed out, it became just another minor skirmish, par for the course if you will, and we kept fighting and hit yet another new low. I've been mad at myself for how I behaved, I said things I never should've even thought and never would say to anyone else, but I can't even be mad at myself for that anymore. It was a learning experience and one of the things I learned is that some chicks will break you down just for the hell of it. And others will bring you down because they can't get out of their own damage and be a part of something good and functional. The thing is...sometimes you can't see if a chick is a good egg or a bad egg until you're already fully engaged in the relationship. *sigh* It can never be easy, ya'll.
