I'm too hard on myself. This has long been the case, but only recently have I started to delve into why I'm so hard on myself. This problem pre-dates BP, I've always been quick to compliment others while never being able to take a compliment myself, but it got worse during and after our time together. Because nothing really ever was good enough for her. And somehow, even when I did nothing wrong or when I wasn't even involved in a decision or situation, I still ended up feeling like a jerk who could never do anything right. In the middle of our relationship, BP decided to sublet her apartment as a means of solving her constant money woes (which could've also been solved by taking one of the many gigs she'd been offered, but I digress). She ran the idea by me and I told her it was her decision and wondered out loud where she'd live while this was going on. Her reply was that she'd live with me and, maybe, she'd end up staying. My reply was, "Well, that's one idea" and I left it there, my lack of enthusiasm quite apparent. She later told me she'd probably either be out of town or staying with a friend for those two weeks and I thought the matter was settled. But soon after, she ambushed me as I was getting out of jury duty with a barrage of texts saying that her friend's place had fallen through and she wasn't going to be out of town, so she'll just stay at my place. Not asking, but assuming, which she did far too often. I'd been up since 5 AM and didn't want to fight so I told her we'd talk later, but she insisted I needed to agree right away for some reason, probably because she knew I was exhausted. I never knew which two weeks she'd been referring to and it turned it out I was going to be out of town during that time, and I'd promised my apartment to a friend and her child who were displaced by issues in their own building. When I told BP this, all she heard was that I was letting an ex stay in my place while leaving her "on the street". I reminded her that she had many friends who would take her in, while the ex did not, but she still wouldn't let it go. I even flat out asked her if she'd rather I leave this person, who is not just an ex but also a friend, and her kid with zero options for where to stay, just so BP could get what she wanted and she still didn't get it. She claimed her own friends weren't really thrilled about hosting her, which I believed because they always did go MIA when she truly was in need. But I still never wavered in my decision, and she ended up staying with the friend that had supposedly said no, yet I somehow ended up apologizing for it all. That's the kind of under the radar type manipulation she excelled at. And every time she pulled it, I ended up a little less sure of myself and a little more upset with myself for what she claimed I'd done wrong. I've no doubt her plan on this occasion was to stay for a few weeks, then convince me it should be for good, as if I ever would've wanted Miss N exposed to her in that way, and I dodged a bullet.
I was already too hard on myself before BP, especially post-accident, but she exacerbated it and took advantage of it. And that's not love. But I believed it was and that's why I took it so hard whenever I let her down, even if I really hadn't. Once I came out of that fog and began to see her for who she really was, I realized that I didn't care if I failed her because she certainly had never cared about what she'd done to me.she saw me breaking down and changing for the worse but it didn't deter her or stop what was ultimately a form of abuse. There were so many times I'd dropped everything to deal with her and her shit, no matter how minor it was and no matter if it was needless drama she'd brought on herself, but she was MIA a whole hell of a lot when I needed something. Finally getting it through my head that things would never change helped to start my departure from the relationship and what's been a long-ish journey back to someone I want to be, rather than the someone I'd let her turn me into. There were a few times I, for lack of a better term, fell off the wagon and gave into my dark ages temptations because the pressure and nastiness from her was just too much. And that, of course, was turned into me having done something TO her, nevermind the reason I'd gone back to all of that after years of not touching the stuff. That behavior stopped when she exited my life, but the being too hard on myself has continued. It pre-dated her, she took me down something fierce, so it's no surprise it's remained long after she's gone. I still have some trouble with myself. Not the kind of trouble I used to, where I self-medicated to deal, but trouble with not feeling I've done a good enough job on things. I obsess over tiny, not even noticeable flaws in my work. If I do a project that doesn't look exactly like I envisioned it in my mind, I'm displeased with it. If I make any kind of mistake, I beat myself up over it for hours or sometimes even days. And I desperately want to work on this part of myself. Because it's not good and it's not healthy. I know it'll be a process though. I hope I can follow through.
I was already too hard on myself before BP, especially post-accident, but she exacerbated it and took advantage of it. And that's not love. But I believed it was and that's why I took it so hard whenever I let her down, even if I really hadn't. Once I came out of that fog and began to see her for who she really was, I realized that I didn't care if I failed her because she certainly had never cared about what she'd done to me.she saw me breaking down and changing for the worse but it didn't deter her or stop what was ultimately a form of abuse. There were so many times I'd dropped everything to deal with her and her shit, no matter how minor it was and no matter if it was needless drama she'd brought on herself, but she was MIA a whole hell of a lot when I needed something. Finally getting it through my head that things would never change helped to start my departure from the relationship and what's been a long-ish journey back to someone I want to be, rather than the someone I'd let her turn me into. There were a few times I, for lack of a better term, fell off the wagon and gave into my dark ages temptations because the pressure and nastiness from her was just too much. And that, of course, was turned into me having done something TO her, nevermind the reason I'd gone back to all of that after years of not touching the stuff. That behavior stopped when she exited my life, but the being too hard on myself has continued. It pre-dated her, she took me down something fierce, so it's no surprise it's remained long after she's gone. I still have some trouble with myself. Not the kind of trouble I used to, where I self-medicated to deal, but trouble with not feeling I've done a good enough job on things. I obsess over tiny, not even noticeable flaws in my work. If I do a project that doesn't look exactly like I envisioned it in my mind, I'm displeased with it. If I make any kind of mistake, I beat myself up over it for hours or sometimes even days. And I desperately want to work on this part of myself. Because it's not good and it's not healthy. I know it'll be a process though. I hope I can follow through.
