Last night, the family got so bored (after what was just not a good day yo) that we ended up watching something called, "Christian Mingle: The Movie". And it was about as awful and ridiculous as you'd expect. It featured heavy promotion for the dating site as it followed a woman "approaching middle age" (she was 32...that's not middle age, you religious bastards!) who, with a string of failed relationships behind her, decides to put up a profile and find god's match for her. The caveat being that she's not exactly a Bible thumper (and Lord knows there are no dating sites out there for people who aren't Christian, right?). She fakes her way through a first date with a Christian man and it develops into something more (no physical stuff though, of course), and that's when his super-religious family suspects that she's not as religious as she claims to be. A break-up ensues and that is the catalyst for her to - wait for it -find Jesus. All in one montage, she's readin' the Bible, going to a church and throwing out scripture. When her friend from work starts quoting scripture back to her, she says, "I didn't know you were one!", meaning a Christian and making it sound like it was some big, rare find. This, of course, has the ex seeing in her a brand new, holy light and they end up together. In a nutshell, it was a stupid movie. But it did provide this gem...
G: Why so glum, chum?
Me: Meh. Too much on my mind.
G: What can I do?
Me: Meh.
G: What's the matter? Do you need some time...on your own? Do you need some time all alone? Cuz everybody needs some time on their own. Do you need a Snicker's bar cuz you're not you when you're hungry? Do you need to find god's match for you on Christian Mingle?
Me: LOL.
Y: LMAO. Yes! That's what we all need. You vs. the Bible.
R: LOL. I'll take the Snicker's bar though.
A: Oh my god (pun totally intended lol). You could be the girl in that movie!!
E: Uh...I don't think the Christians are into that kind of roleplay scenario...
A: LOL. Nooo! He could go on there, be all about Jesus and ish and then maybe find Jesus himself.
Me: I already found him lol.
G: lol And as with everything, it didn't take.
Me: lol Pretty much. It was like an egg hunt - doggedly pursuing the prize and then when it's over, I was all, "Now what?".
E: LOL. You're going to hell.
G: LMAO. An egg hunt.
Y: Or...you could pick fights with the believers who are haters and don't like gays and stuff. That could be entertaining for all of us.
R: Oooooh, I like that!
E: What's that one site that doesn't match up the gays? Mingle?
Me: That's e-harmony. I don't know if they still have that policy or not though.
Y: They do. But who needs that old fuck anyway.
A: The rest all do though, right?
Me: As far as I know. The two I was on did.
G: How pathetic it is that ya'll know the ins and outs of different sites #Desperate
Me: Well, you would know about desperate. My cousin was desperate and that's why she married you.
R: LOL. BURN.
G: lol How dare you, sir. We married purely because I needed the money. You'll ruin our reputation!
Y: Dating sites are not desperate, fucker. And you would've been on one with E, Giuseppe and I if you hadn't married young.
G: Would not.
Y: Would too. You know why? Because we all do fucking everything together lol.
G: Like a congregation!
E: Or a team.
Me: Or a cult!
Y: LOL. That's probably accurate.
A: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go find god's match for you so we can see if it's even possible for you to pick up a Bible without burning your hand.
Me: LOL. You think that's wise? Remember when I walked into the church for G's wedding and the wind kicked up outside? That mofo tried to cast me out with the quickness.
G: LOL. That was glorious! Pun obviously intended.
