I had a long conversation with MOC on the flight back home the other day. I made some comment about my personal life and she said maybe I need to take a new approach. We've known each other over a decade now and in that time she's seen me date other women and seen how that's not worked out for me. MOC took an immediate dislike to BP and did her best to sabotage the relationship, back when we were in conflict. I asked what she meant by changing my approach and she said every woman I've settled in with and had something great with has happened because I've was either super into them, or because they swept me off my feet. And neither of those scenarios left any time for me to doubt things or pull away. I have a tendency to go all in very quickly when I feel like something has great potential. I'm not a fan of dating and prefer to be in a relationship, so if there's a hardcore connection I move into relationship mode quite easily. Of course, that has its downsides. The main one being that you shouldn't be in a romantic relationship with someone until you both know each other well, and leaping into one before that tends to produce a bunch of revelations after the fact. G and I were pretty much set on being a couple after night one and within a week we made it official. Then, it slowly became clear that full on commitment was not her strong suit and that became our biggest issue. On the flip side, this same thing can happen even if I slow it down and pace myself. BP and I were a slow burn because I didn't quite know what to make of her, and it wasn't until she had me hooked and in a relationship that her skeletons came flailing out of the closet. By then I was invested and couldn't walk away so easily. So taking it slow or moving too fast both seem to produce the same results. What does that mean? That I'm stupid? Well, obviously. But also that I'm just not very good at relationships. I can go in full-assed, I can go in half-assed, but the outcome always seems to be the same.
The logical response to all this is to say I just have yet to find the right person to make a go of it with. And that's true. But sometimes I wonder if there even is a "right" person. I have a lot of qualities that make me not so great in a relationship. To make matters worse, I bought into the idea of 'partnership' with BP, only to be severely burned when all of that went to hell. And that left me with a bad taste in my mouth about being in a partnership. I'm very independent and I tend to pull way back when I sense that independence may be infringed upon. I get bored easily and can sometimes mentally check out of a relationship, albeit only briefly, to clear my head. Usually, I come back into things with brand new eyes and recommit and try to better myself and the relationship, but sometimes I enjoy having been on my own for a minute and end things. And methinks that might be my biggest issue now - I don't mind being alone. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm living a monk-type existence where I'm alone all the time. But there's something freeing about not being in a relationship. I don't know if I've grown used to that, or if I'm just happy to be in that place after the whole BP thing. But I've noticed this sort of...resistance to getting into something again, at least getting too deep into something. It's one of them there enigmas. I want to be in love, I want to fall for someone for good, but I also don't wanna give up my freedom. Yes, there's a way to maintain your freedom in a relationship, and I know that and I've done that. But...I don't know. Maybe MOC is right. Maybe I should change the way I do things. And maybe I should stop myself from thinking, or over-thinking, about it all.
The logical response to all this is to say I just have yet to find the right person to make a go of it with. And that's true. But sometimes I wonder if there even is a "right" person. I have a lot of qualities that make me not so great in a relationship. To make matters worse, I bought into the idea of 'partnership' with BP, only to be severely burned when all of that went to hell. And that left me with a bad taste in my mouth about being in a partnership. I'm very independent and I tend to pull way back when I sense that independence may be infringed upon. I get bored easily and can sometimes mentally check out of a relationship, albeit only briefly, to clear my head. Usually, I come back into things with brand new eyes and recommit and try to better myself and the relationship, but sometimes I enjoy having been on my own for a minute and end things. And methinks that might be my biggest issue now - I don't mind being alone. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm living a monk-type existence where I'm alone all the time. But there's something freeing about not being in a relationship. I don't know if I've grown used to that, or if I'm just happy to be in that place after the whole BP thing. But I've noticed this sort of...resistance to getting into something again, at least getting too deep into something. It's one of them there enigmas. I want to be in love, I want to fall for someone for good, but I also don't wanna give up my freedom. Yes, there's a way to maintain your freedom in a relationship, and I know that and I've done that. But...I don't know. Maybe MOC is right. Maybe I should change the way I do things. And maybe I should stop myself from thinking, or over-thinking, about it all.
