My niece S. turns 13 today. And while it is not my first experience with a teenager (nor will it be my last), it is different. I didn't meet my own teenager until she was about five and, even then, we weren't really close until she was 12 or so. But I was there when S. was born. Hell, I was there for the nine months before she was born. I remember when my sister told us she was pregnant. It was my girlfriend, my sister and me and I knew something was up with her but had no clue what. She said she was pregnant, our jaws dropped and I don't think any of us said another word for an hour. Talk about stunned silences. But eventually we settled in and nine months later there was a little person in our lives. We were all kids still ourselves, 19 and 20, and hadn't really been around babies. We're from a big family but we're all close in age so it's not like we were used to having little people around all the time. I wasn't even really sure how to hold a baby until the nurse at the hospital showed me. And I fell in love on the spot. Of course, after the initial euphoria and new car smell of having a baby wore off, it was like, 'what now?'. Babies be high maintenance and a little boring sometimes. So there was a few months where we weren't sure what the hell came next. But we were all so in love with her that it didn't matter that she didn't really do any party tricks. You do the best you can.
S. was 3 when her godmother, my girlfriend, unexpectedly exited all of our lives. They adored each other and I'd always felt like she was too young to remember much about her. But I guess I was wrong because today we got into a pretty detailed discussion about the person we lost. My niece and I were at lunch and I had a bit of a flashback to her birth. Except instead of having no idea how to hold a baby, I now had no idea what to talk to a 13-year-old about. I still can't quite believe she's that old (or that I'm as damn old as I'm gonna be). I'm not a great conversationalist anyway so we had many hurdles to climb during lunch. But she kinda took the reigns and blurted out that she wanted to know if I'd take her to the cemetery to visit her godmother's resting place. (Remember that stunned silence we fell into when we discovered this girl was on the way? Yeah, it made a guest appearance today.) She said my sister doesn't talk about that subject and she's never sure if I'm open to talking about it so she's kinda kept all her feelings on it inside. So I took her out there and we did talk about it for awhile. (I know exactly how she feels cuz no one talks to me about it either.)
I think I've written before that I missed the girlfriend's funeral because I was enduring my own medical crisis. But I've never felt bad about it. I flat out refused to go to the cemetery for months afterward. I told myself I didn't need to go, that I didn't want to remember her that way. About a year later, I had a meltdown and ended up with her. I took a notebook and a pen and I sat there and I wrote to her, which I'd always done but it was like that particular channel had become blocked until I was sitting next to her that night. It helped me a lot, but I still didn't return to her for some time. And when I did, I decided not to take anything to write with. We just talked. I never understood people who went to cemeteries to talk to their loved ones before that trip. Since then I've continued to write and talk to her when I need to. It's been a big step in the whole healing process. Another big step has been mending fences with her mom, who despised me for a long time before the accident, and for awhile afterward. We're in that acquaintance stage where we talk every now and then but nothing really in depth. But she texted me today and asked if we could talk before I leave. I haven't responded yet. I'm conflicted about what to do. I don't know how she's handling the anniversary. We could be on completely different pages. I don't know what to do.
I'm not sure how the actual ten year anniversary will hit me in a week's time. The only thing I know is it will hit me and it will most likely hurt. It's so hard to comprehend that it's been a decade. But that's next week's problem. Today was about how awesome my niece is growing up to be. Yes, she's a teenager now but I can forgive her that as long as she keeps thinking I'm cooler than her parents (cuz, newsflash, I am and always will be. Why? Because I'm younger than both of them. Ha. Ha.) She's into poetry and photography and history. Her godmother would be SO proud of who she's turning out to be. And I'm definitely very proud. I can't even fathom that mine is gonna be the same age in less than a decade. It's also hard to wrap my head around my niece being three years away from driving and five years away from being 18. Wow, I'm old.
*sigh*...I'm exhausted. And my legs and back are killing me and have been for three days now. No idea what that's about. But I haven't been able to sleep much. I get some rest but it's not that deep, restful sleep. It's more that sleep where you feel in a daze and wake up a bunch of times during the night. Last night I woke up for a minute when I got a text and reached for my phone to check it. I read the text, started to text back, passed out and woke up this morning with my phone in my hand. Yeah. I just have so much crap on my brain right now. I don't even know how to articulate it all. Which is why I just lie awake at night thinking. In fact, I'm off to do that now...
