And I'm Supposed To Follow, And I'm Not Supposed To Mind That You Keep Leaving Me Behind

I always joke that I can have a kid, a pet or a plant but not all three because one of them would die (but obviously the odds are stacked against the plant). As it stands, I have a kid and a plant and I often forget to water the plant, even though I have a reminder set in my phone to do so. Luckily, it's bamboo so it lives even when I don't remember to water it. Some living things are more resilient than others, but all of them need care and attention at some point to continue living. Even bamboo will die out if you neglect it too long. Relationships are their own living, breathing thing and, like anything else, require a certain amount of love and care to thrive. If they get neither of those things, they die out. Sure, a neglected relationship may linger and hang on to its last moments of life for awhile but, eventually, it has nothing else to do but die. I used to think I was the most terrible person at relationships, but the BP saga taught me that I'm actually pretty decent at them. At least, compared to her. BP did not seem to grasp the concept that you have to actually be present in a relationship for it to work out. In fact, she was dumbfounded when she went MIA for months and didn't return to the happy homecoming she'd expected from me. As usual, the sky fell on her end and she ran to me and I was there for her, but she dipped right back out of things the minute her life started to improve. I wasn't a priority, I was a last resort. When everything else fell through and no one else wanted to listen to her whine about her bullshit, that's when I was called up to the plate. And not a minute sooner.
A few months before our end, BP went on a two week work trip. She often went away for work, and we usually didn't talk much when she was out of town but we did text and occasionally she'd even get time for a call. How much effort she put into keeping in touch seemed to depend on her mood. If we were in a good place pre-trip, she would call everyday and text a lot. If we were in a not so good place, I'd barely hear from her. We were in a not so good place on this particular trip and for the first three days, I heard little from her. She said those would be the busiest days but that turned out to be wishful thinking. For about half of her two week trip, I heard absolutely nothing from her. Not a single text. I texted everyday in an attempt to keep the connection up in some way, but she rarely responded. When she did, it was all her-centric; my trip has been awful, everything went wrong, I'm exhausted. She'd contact me to bitch about something but never ask how I was and never respond to anything I said. I was annoyed but figured we'd catch up when she got back, as we usually did. Her first day home, she slept all day, which was the norm since she constantly worked herself sick. The next day, I woke up eagerly anticipating we'd hang or at least catch up over the phone. But my hope was short-lived. She didn't text me until almost three in the afternoon, denied she'd been ignoring me and said she did want to catch up. Oh, but she didn't know when that would be because a friend was coming over to hang out and she'd be unavailable all night. So...she's gone for two weeks, she bitches to me about the state of her life during that time, but she's in no rush to speak to or see me once she finally gets back. And supposedly, I was this person who meant the world to her. The following week brought more of this same 'meh' attitude. It was like someone had flipped a switch during her trip. I'd ask to talk and she'd be "busy". That was her go to answer for everything. But after a week of her BS excuses, I got wise. This wasn't being too busy to speak to someone you claim to love and be unable to live without. I've dated people who had much more hectic work schedules than hers and they still found time for me (when I said this, her response was to go on the attack because she claimed I'd said these other women were "better" than her). This was her flat out ignoring me and going on about her life. Even when she had a free spot in her schedule, I was still the last thing on her mind. And it was particularly torturous because she was still on my mind constantly. After a few more weeks of her avoidance, I snapped and sent a series of texts telling her that things were just ridiculous now; we didn't talk, we didn't flirt, we had no kind of interaction resembling any kind of relationship. I broke down and was completely vulnerable, hoping that would trigger something human in her and bring back the person I cared about. No dice. Her only response to all of my texts was, "Is this because you want to go fuck someone else? Go. You're free". It was unbelievable. I knew she could be a bitch but that was an entirely new level of coldness.
After that night, I felt myself begin to completely tune out. By now, it had been a month since her trip and we had not been getting along. She went away for a few days and I really started to move on emotionally. We went another three weeks in this limbo and I found myself more and more angry with her. I didn't see the point in what she had us doing. We obviously were not together, she clearly was done with me, but we weren't broken up. It was like she wanted to keep me on the line so I couldn't find somebody else. I contemplated ending it as I left for a week-long visit home. She also happened to be visiting family that same week and her family is an armful. In the past, I've been on call for when she needed a reprieve from them but I was in no mood this time around. Two days with her mother changed her attitude towards me dramatically. She started texting that she was sorry for taking me for granted and that she now realized what it must be like for me to deal with her since she was seeing the same things I called her out for in her mom (talked over me, exaggerated what I said, was mean, etc). She apologized profusely but, as usual, there was an excuse attached to the end of every apology. She was sorry BUT the reason she disconnected was because I was refusing to fully commit (fully committing being agreeing to get on a marital track. According to her, she didn't actually "have" me until I said I would be open to marrying her). I was not impressed by the apologies and I didn't believe that she had just experienced this big, view-altering change, but agreed to try again (or stick around while she tried since I'd never stopped trying). But I made it clear that I would no longer initiate conversations. If she wanted to talk to me, she could reach out. And, at that time, I almost believed she would change.
Following through with making changes in her life was not something BP had any real concept of. There were literally hundreds of things she'd claim to want to change or actually be changing, but her resolve would last only a few days before she fell off the wagon and made zero effort to get back on. It was almost childlike, the way a kid wants to be an astronaut one week and a doctor the next. She did this same thing on many an occasion, becoming enamored with making one change or another and then just giving up on it days later. To her credit, she began regularly keeping in touch and trying to make things right. I was open to that, but very cautious because I knew change did not come easy to her. She got pissy when I didn't just open up the door, roll out the red carpet and let her back into my life immediately. I told her that process would not be overnight and she claimed she understood that. But when we weren't back to "us" in a few days, she became disinterested again. She actually asked me how long it would take to get back to us and I had no answer. I didn't trust her. I didn't trust that she wouldn't just go MIA again whenever her mood changed. I certainly didn't trust her with my feelings anymore. And as if all of that wasn't enough, she brought a whole host of new issues to the table when she told me she'd taken up smoking. I'd always known she was an occasional smoker, and while I thought it was the stupidest habit a lifelong asthmatic could take up, I didn't have a problem with it so long as she only did it when I was not around, and as long as it wasn't an everyday thing. Once I started to let down my walls a bit was when she decided to tell me it was now an everyday habit, but she was trying to quit. Knowing her track record with committing to life changes, I began to pull away a bit because I knew she wasn't going to quit smoking at all, and the next week or so proved this as I asked just about everyday how quitting was going and she'd change the subject or say, "I only had three today but I needed them". Soon after, she tuned out some more and went back to barely speaking to me. I went out of town again and continued with only talking to her when she reached out to me, which was sparingly. I finally lost it though on a day when she sent me a grand total of 4 texts. It all started three nights prior when we were having an actual conversation and she said she would call me later that night. I waited, but the call never came, yet she was somehow able to text for three hours before passing out in mid-convo. I said something along the lines of how a call would've taken far less time than all the texting and I went to bed. The next day she came at me breathing fire from the start and we spent all day fighting, but again she refused to do anything but text. And this is someone who constantly held me in limbo, refusing to discuss anything via text because she wanted to actually speak, but didn't know when that would be. It was ridiculous. She went MIA for the next seven hours, only to text me at two in the morning to say she wasn't okay and that she'd been drinking too much. I told her to have a great time getting drunk and I went to bed. Then came the 4 text day. She said she was "sorry about everything" and I asked when we could speak. No reply for six hours, until she finally sends a text saying she's been with her mother all day and couldn't talk. By now, neither of us had any idea what was going on in the other's life and I knew that if she was with her mom, I'd never get any of her time anyway. So that was it for me, we had to be done. I told her we were probably done until she could find room in her life for this.
For the next two months, I heard very little from her. She was overseas for most of that time, having been fired from a job in the States because she chose her own ambition and clients over the good of the company. Losing that job left her with very little income since she was down to having only one client who was not yet profitable. I never understood why she made all or nothing decisions like that. She claimed to be such a diplomat and have a handle on her ish but she always, always chose herself over any and everything else in life, whether that was in her career or her love life. You do that for 37 years and eventually you're gonna find yourself alone. And she did. Out of the blue, she texted me to say she'd lost someone in her family and work was a mess and she was lonely and by herself in a foreign country. I'm not a total bastard, so I responded with condolences but made sure it didn't go beyond that. She asked to talk but I also resisted that as best I could. But she continued to text me everyday and seemed to be back to a nicer version of herself, the version I'd known when we first began. After a few weeks, I caved and decided to talk. It cut off abruptly due to connection issues but I really had enjoyed the conversation and asked to speak again. And she agreed...but didn't know when that would be. The next week she flew home and told me she "couldn't wait" to speak to me. But another week went by and I had not heard anything from her. I shot off a message that said I felt used by her, that she ran to me only when it was convenient but could give two fucks the rest of the time, and she definitely did not seem interested in my life at all. She denied it, of course, claiming she turned to me because she wanted to and because she loved me, not because she just needed a sympathetic ear. I didn't believe her, but I didn't continue the conversation we had going either. Once she'd finished venting, she went MIA again and by then I knew what was on the horizon. I cut off that noise and moved on for good, though she still contacts me occasionally. It's funny though, I used to be physically unable to not respond when she sent me a message and now I'm at the other extreme of not really caring when I see her messages.
I saw a quote recently that said once you learn how to be happy, you won't settle for being around anyone who makes you feel less than that. And it's true. I was a bit of a mess during my time with BP and it melded well with her brand of crazy, to the point where we got stuck in this seemingly endless loop of breaking up and making up and arguing. Every conversation, every moment was just a prelude to a fight of some kind. And I accepted all of that because I just didn't have motivation to find something better. It was only as I pulled away from her, or she pulled away from me, rather, that I was able to start getting out of that rut and recommitting myself to my faith and career and being healthy. Once I started on the path to all of that, her drama became such a bore and so unnecessary that I couldn't in good conscience allow it to be a part of my life anymore. For so long, I'd tried to reason with her and talk sense and all she got out of it was made up nonsense and twisted words. What I should've done, and what I do nowadays if I happen to hear from her, is just push it aside and keep going with my own life. I know I was different when she and I first started than I was at the end of it. And I hated that because I changed in very negative ways and was never able to go back to who I was before. But now I'm completely different from who I was while I was with her. I'm in such a great place right now, a place where I actually like who I am and think that, most days, I'm a decent human being. Even just hearing from her reminds me of how messed up I was with her and so it's easy to shut the door on communication. As I've grown out of all she and I used to be, I've been able to see her and the relationship with brand new eyes. Sadly, she looks the same whether I'm looking through my old specs or my new ones. She was narcissistic, self-centered and work-obsessed (though unemployed) when we began, and she's still all of those things today, almost five years later. No growth as a person in five years is pretty dire. I feel sorry for her because I remember thinking that maybe the good parts of each other could rub off and we could be something great one day. But it was never going to work because she's not genuinely interested in changing anything about herself. We all have things we want to change or fix in our lives, and we can make a million excuses to put them off until tomorrow, but eventually you get to a point of where you have to change it so you do. Maybe she's just not to that place yet, I don't know, but it's not a good thing that she hasn't hit that point in 37 years. More likely, I think she just likes who she is and where she's at and all the ish about wanting change is just a smokescreen. She once told me that her favorite thing about herself, and something she was often complimented on, was her ability and willingness to change and improve upon herself. But in our time together, I never saw that. Either she didn't love me enough to try for anything, or she just didn't want to try. I deserved better than that then and I deserve way better than that now. She no longer has the power to leave me behind anymore.

I'm A Mr. Waiting, And Never Patient, Can't You See That I'm The Same The Way You Left Me

13 years...it's crazy to think that you've lived longer without someone than you have with them. My grandmother, who I was very close to, passed away when I was 9. That was 25 years ago this year. My surrogate grandma has been gone for nearly 8 years. My great grandfather, the best dude I have ever known, has been gone for 3 years. All people who had a very significant impact on who I am today. All of whom will, someday, have been gone longer than they were a part of my life. And the same is true of the girlfriend. We only got 7 years together, so she's already been gone almost twice as long as she was here. That's wild to think about. It's also crazy how time does heal some of the hurt, but not all of it and that last little part remains. I think you lose little pieces of your heart when someone you love is no longer here. We all have moments of, "Wow, I wish that person was here to see/experience this with me". I get that a lot when it comes to the girlfriend. Every year older, every new life that comes into mine, every big accomplishment and every minor accomplishment...I think of her. I know life would be very different if she were here and we likely wouldn't even be together. Hell, we may not even have been a part of each other's lives at all by this point, I'm not blind to the problems we had. But we were young. And, even if we were no longer friends, it would still be a comfort just knowing she was wandering around somewhere on this big old planet. And she is. But not in a form that I know or can contact. Although, after the events on my birthday...I don't know what to think about the whole contact thing. Either way, I miss her terribly.

All That You Can't Leave Behind

...Yesterday, I turned 34. It was a wonderful day, followed by a pretty damn good night. But towards the end of the evening, something happened. And I don't know how to take it. And I don't know what to think.

I Think You're The Same As Me, We See Things They'll Never See

I became an uncle when I was 19 and it was quite the transformative experience for me. I instantly fell in love with this tiny little monster. We're talking total love at first sight. I was so enamored with her. I remember staring at her when she was a baby and just thinking how crazy it was that I was going to be there for her from day one until the day I died. This is the first person who's life I was a part of from the very beginning. I was the third person to ever hold her. And now, exactly 16 years later, I sit here with my mind all boggled at how these last 16 years just flew by. How does that tiny little being turn into a beautiful, witty, talented teenager? It's equal parts amazing and depressing. Amazing because she is just about the coolest person I know and she operates on a level of smartass that is well beyond her years (I'm so proud!). Depressing because in a few years she'll be a full-on grown up who is more than likely leaving the nest and going out into the world, and that terrifies me as much as it does her parents. My mom has always called her my mini me because she reminded her of what I was like as a kid, and she's held onto those traits even as she's gotten older. We spent the day together building houses and talking and watching hockey (I'm proud but I'm also jealous because she actually got to play hockey and literally kicked major ass). It was a pretty damn good day. And I'm happy. I'm happy to be here to watch her grow into this fantastic young woman. Kids, man...it really is something to watch them grow up, and to have that moment where you realize they're adults. You spend so much time watching your mouth and trying to set a good example and then they get to be old enough to think for themselves and make decisions and crack dirty jokes and there's this, "Oh, okay" moment where it hits you that they're big kids now. And they deal with big kid problems and issues and thoughts and feelings. It's extraordinary to see someone develop over the course of a lifetime. I'm so blessed to be a part of several little lives in such a way. And I adore them all. Happy Birthday, Miss R.

The Only Thing I've Understood, Nothing's Ever Good Enough

I'm too hard on myself. This has long been the case, but only recently have I started to delve into why I'm so hard on myself. This problem pre-dates BP, I've always been quick to compliment others while never being able to take a compliment myself, but it got worse during and after our time together. Because nothing really ever was good enough for her. And somehow, even when I did nothing wrong or when I wasn't even involved in a decision or situation, I still ended up feeling like a jerk who could never do anything right. In the middle of our relationship, BP decided to sublet her apartment as a means of solving her constant money woes (which could've also been solved by taking one of the many gigs she'd been offered, but I digress). She ran the idea by me and I told her it was her decision and wondered out loud where she'd live while this was going on. Her reply was that she'd live with me and, maybe, she'd end up staying. My reply was, "Well, that's one idea" and I left it there, my lack of enthusiasm quite apparent. She later told me she'd probably either be out of town or staying with a friend for those two weeks and I thought the matter was settled. But soon after, she ambushed me as I was getting out of jury duty with a barrage of texts saying that her friend's place had fallen through and she wasn't going to be out of town, so she'll just stay at my place. Not asking, but assuming, which she did far too often. I'd been up since 5 AM and didn't want to fight so I told her we'd talk later, but she insisted I needed to agree right away for some reason, probably because she knew I was exhausted. I never knew which two weeks she'd been referring to and it turned it out I was going to be out of town during that time, and I'd promised my apartment to a friend and her child who were displaced by issues in their own building. When I told BP this, all she heard was that I was letting an ex stay in my place while leaving her "on the street". I reminded her that she had many friends who would take her in, while the ex did not, but she still wouldn't let it go. I even flat out asked her if she'd rather I leave this person, who is not just an ex but also a friend, and her kid with zero options for where to stay, just so BP could get what she wanted and she still didn't get it. She claimed her own friends weren't really thrilled about hosting her, which I believed because they always did go MIA when she truly was in need. But I still  never wavered in my decision, and she ended up staying with the friend that had supposedly said no, yet I somehow ended up apologizing for it all. That's the kind of under the radar type manipulation she excelled at. And every time she pulled it, I ended up a little less sure of myself and a little more upset with myself for what she claimed I'd done wrong. I've no doubt her plan on this occasion was to stay for a few weeks, then convince me it should be for good, as if I ever would've wanted Miss N exposed to her in that way, and I dodged a bullet.
I was already too hard on myself before BP, especially post-accident, but she exacerbated it and took advantage of it. And that's not love. But I believed it was and that's why I took it so hard whenever I let her down, even if I really hadn't. Once I came out of that fog and began to see her for who she really was, I realized that I didn't care if I failed her because she certainly had never cared about what she'd done to me.she saw me breaking down and changing for the worse but it didn't deter her or stop what was ultimately a form of abuse. There were so many times I'd dropped everything to deal with her and her shit, no matter how minor it was and no matter if it was needless drama she'd brought on herself, but she was MIA a whole hell of a lot when I needed something. Finally getting it through my head that things would never change helped to start my departure from the relationship and what's been a long-ish journey back to someone I want to be, rather than the someone I'd let her turn me into. There were a few times I, for lack of a better term, fell off the wagon and gave into my dark ages temptations because the pressure and nastiness from her was just too much. And that, of course, was turned into me having done something TO her, nevermind the reason I'd gone back to all of that after years of not touching the stuff. That behavior stopped when she exited my life, but the being too hard on myself has continued. It pre-dated her, she took me down something fierce, so it's no surprise it's remained long after she's gone. I still have some trouble with myself. Not the kind of trouble I used to, where I self-medicated to deal, but trouble with not feeling I've done a good enough job on things. I obsess over tiny, not even noticeable flaws in my work. If I do a project that doesn't look exactly like I envisioned it in my mind, I'm displeased with it. If I make any kind of mistake, I beat myself up over it for hours or sometimes even days. And I desperately want to work on this part of myself. Because it's not good and it's not healthy. I know it'll be a process though. I hope I can follow through.

I Want Love That Won't Break Me Down, Won't Brick Me Up, Won't Fence Me In

I had a long conversation with MOC on the flight back home the other day. I made some comment about my personal life and she said maybe I need to take a new approach. We've known each other over a decade now and in that time she's seen me date other women and seen how that's not worked out for me. MOC took an immediate dislike to BP and did her best to sabotage the relationship, back when we were in conflict. I asked what she meant by changing my approach and she said every woman I've settled in with and had something great with has happened because I've was either super into them, or because they swept me off my feet. And neither of those scenarios left any time for me to doubt things or pull away. I have a tendency to go all in very quickly when I feel like something has great potential. I'm not a fan of dating and prefer to be in a relationship, so if there's a hardcore connection I move into relationship mode quite easily. Of course, that has its downsides. The main one being that you shouldn't be in a romantic relationship with someone until you both know each other well, and leaping into one before that tends to produce a bunch of revelations after the fact. G and I were pretty much set on being a couple after night one and within a week we made it official. Then, it slowly became clear that full on commitment was not her strong suit and that became our biggest issue. On the flip side, this same thing can happen even if I slow it down and pace myself. BP and I were a slow burn because I didn't quite know what to make of her, and it wasn't until she had me hooked and in a relationship that her skeletons came flailing out of the closet. By then I was invested and couldn't walk away so easily. So taking it slow or moving too fast both seem to produce the same results. What does that mean? That I'm stupid? Well, obviously. But also that I'm just not very good at relationships. I can go in full-assed, I can go in half-assed, but the outcome always seems to be the same.
The logical response to all this is to say I just have yet to find the right person to make a go of it with. And that's true. But sometimes I wonder if there even is a "right" person. I have a lot of qualities that make me not so great in a relationship. To make matters worse, I bought into the idea of 'partnership' with BP, only to be severely burned when all of that went to hell. And that left me with a bad taste in my mouth about being in a partnership. I'm very independent and I tend to pull way back when I sense that independence may be infringed upon. I get bored easily and can sometimes mentally check out of a relationship, albeit only briefly, to clear my head. Usually, I come back into things with brand new eyes and recommit and try to better myself and the relationship, but sometimes I enjoy having been on my own for a minute and end things. And methinks that might be my biggest issue now - I don't mind being alone. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm living a monk-type existence where I'm alone all the time. But there's something freeing about not being in a relationship. I don't know if I've grown used to that, or if I'm just happy to be in that place after the whole BP thing. But I've noticed this sort of...resistance to getting into something again, at least getting too deep into something. It's one of them there enigmas. I want to be in love, I want to fall for someone for good, but I also don't wanna give up my freedom. Yes, there's a way to maintain your freedom in a relationship, and I know that and I've done that. But...I don't know. Maybe MOC is right. Maybe I should change the way I do things. And maybe I should stop myself from thinking, or over-thinking, about it all.

When Someone Said Count Your Blessings Now Before They're Long Gone, I Guess I Just Didn't Know How

*sigh*...April...it was tough to get out of bed the last couple of days. There's so much swirling around in my brain about the next week and a half. I dread it. But at the same time, I don't because there are a lot of good things about next week; the sis-in-law's birthday, Miss R's 16th birthday (ok, that one is also depressing) and the sister and I also have a birthday. All good things. But, as always happens with this month, I'm so in my head about the negatives of the past. And I miss her...a lot...

Familiar Strangers

Family. Tis a complicated subject for most people. And while I believe that friends count as family, what I'm talking about here is the brood you're born into. Some of us hit the jackpot and are born into all kinds of awesomeness. Some of us, not so much. BP used to like to defend her own family by saying I didn't understand the dysfunction behind it because my family is "perfect". They're far from that, few families are actually perfect, but I won't argue that I made out a lot better than she did in the family department, and I was never more thankful for that than after I saw what she went through on a daily basis with hers. I've trekked a long, sometimes complicated road with a lot of my family members. We were a very close group at one time, starting in childhood for my mom, aunts and uncles and continuing on until I was about 9-years-old. That year was a traumatic one for everybody as my grandma passed away late one evening after we all rushed down to the hospital. The accident took away a good amount of my childhood memories, but not the one of that night. It was all so surreal and unbelievable. After we found out she'd passed, my uncle asked the siblings and I if we wanted to see her and my brother opted to go in, but the sister and I said no. Neither of us wanted to see her in that way, we wanted to remember her as she was (though, in hindsight, had I known I wouldn't remember it anyway, I probably would've gone in). 

Grandma's death started a chain of events that fractured the family for years, like a real life, Latino version of "Soul Food". It brought our prodigal son uncle out of the woodwork and he re-committed to being a part of the family after years being on his own and sparingly speaking to any of us, including his own mother. He was still a dick a lot of the time, but at least he seemed to take an interest in actually knowing his own family. Years later, this would come back to bite us when he had a falling out with all three of his kids (over politics, of all things), and later attempted to get money out of my mother. Perhaps the biggest thing that came with grandma's death was the loss of our house, which we were forced out of by the other side of the family. If not for the help of the decent side of the family, we would've been homeless and these other fuckers did not care in the slightest. And I've never understood that. How do you spend all of your life with people, love them, have BBQ's and then not give two fucks about kicking them out onto the street? And how do you do that to your own flesh and blood? The greed I understand, but that is some serious sociopathy going on there when you do it in the way they did. Our side stopped speaking to that side of the family after that, though there have been attempts by some of them to try and get back into our good graces. A couple of my cousins from that side have contacted me on Facebook, but I've never replied. We were kids when all this went down but I still wouldn't know what to say, and frankly, I have not missed their presence in my life. With age comes wisdom and my side of the family has realized that not everyone who exits our lives is a loss.

Despite being severed from the other side of the family, we've still had our fair share of issues. And a lot of them stem from the accident. Four years ago, a friend listened to me talk about specifics of the accident and offered up that my family sort of seemed to go MIA on me in the aftermath of it. I realized she was right, and it caused me to look at everything a little differently. I adore my family, but there are few of them I can go to when I need to talk about the loss I experienced during that time, or my own issues stemming from all of that. We're a loving, affectionate bunch but talking about the serious and emotional stuff is just not really an option. Sometimes I wish it was, especially when I hear about other people's families and how they can tell them ish whenever they need to. I wish I had that. But other times, I'm thankful I got the family that I did. We can't discuss everything but they're still good people. And when it comes down to it, I believe any of us would do anything for each other. I guess I should consider myself lucky to have that, rather than pining for something more.

A Series Of Intersecting Lives And Incidents

As anyone who knows me can tell you, I am not a fan of organized religion. There are many reasons behind this, some that have been documented here and some that have not, but my main issue is how religion has become more about making money and controlling people and less about faith. Simply put, I think too many people present themselves as god-fearing, devout believers on Sunday, but are anything but the other six days of the week. I also don't care for the rampant judgement that the uber-religious set pass on others, especially about things that have absolutely no effect on their own lives. I don't believe Jesus died so that mega churches could be built and people can hide behind the Bible as a reason for preventing people from living the way they were meant to live. The commercialization of religion is ridiculous, but people have a right to believe what they believe. That said, questioning my Catholic upbringing was one of the best things I've ever done in my life. It happened long before the accidents, but all of that negativity is what ultimately delivered me to my destination of finding a faith that works for me. And that's really what it's about, right? Finding something you wholeheartedly believe in that enriches your life and gives you a sense of peace. Asking questions is how we learn about the world around us, yet a lot of people never question the religion they've been brought up in. You should be able to explain not just what your belief is, but why you believe it. Otherwise, you're just blindly following what someone else has told, or taught you to believe.
This evening I watched HBO's much hyped documentary about Scientology. I don't normally pass judgement on anybody's religion or beliefs because it's not my place (it's not anyone's, really), but I will tell ya'll this - Scientology is a cult. For all of the religious seeking I did in my twenties, Scientology is one thing that I never even considered. I remember a classmate of mine in college being in the early stages of getting involved in it and inviting me to join in, but I had no interest in that and declined. And boy, did I dodge a bullet. For those that have yet to see "Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief", it is based on an extensively researched book into the inner-workings of the often secretive "religion". The film features interviews with former high-ranking Scientology officials, as well as former followers, all offering a glimpse of what they saw and experienced during their time as Scientologists. Spoiler alert: It wasn't pretty. I've often wondered whether Scientology has any kind of truth behind it, or if it's just a big, shiny cult. There have always been rumors about it, but all religions have former believers who will tell you the downsides of having bought into one thing or another. But none of those are quite like this. The documentary went into the origins of it and, frankly, the founder was most likely mentally ill. Upon his passing, the current "leader" took over and has created an even more vile, shadier version of the "religion" that deserves all of the criticism it gets. Once you hear what the actual foundation is, and the back story followers are only told about after years of study and thousands of dollars in donation, you realize just how stupid the whole thing is. It doesn't make any sense. And not in a, "Oh, okay, could a Jew really have turned water into wine" kinda way, but in a, "Oh...so millions of years ago, people lived in a way similar to the 1950's and were cryogenically frozen and A-bombs were dropped? Millions of years before flight or cryogenics or the 50's were even actual things? Ok then." kinda way. Yes, all of those are things in Scientology. That's part of the back story of man, according to its founder L. Ron Hubbard. At its core, Scientology is about indoctrination - the basis of any good cult. People are lured in with the promise of free thinking and a better life, only to be told exactly how they should think, interrogated at length about all areas of their lives and pressured to donate every last cent for the good of the "church". And if you don't follow blindly and give your all to Scientology, it labels you a problem child and does its best to make your life a living hell. And it literally has billions of dollars at its disposal to do all this with. Everybody in the doc that made it out expressed regret over having fallen into it in the first place.
As I watched this film, I was struck by how few people ever asked, "why?". Like, if someone hands me a flyer and says I can achieve nirvana, I would be open to it and check it out but I would need to know the terms of all this ish upfront. Not be told to just go with the program, give my entire life to it and then, maybe someday if I pay enough and ascend high enough up the ranks, I might find out what it all leads to. One man joined up on a whim, spent thirty years within it before discovering that his gay daughters were not accepted by the "church" and instead ridiculed by their fellow Scientologists. He left shortly thereafter. Another former devotee, who had raised her family within Scientology, saw her son forced out for committing the sin of not alerting the "church" to a newspaper expose that a friend of his had been interviewed for. When she tried to change the minds of the elders and get him back in, they also cast her out and told her daughter, by then a mother herself, that she needed to cut off all contact with her parents and brother. The daughter did it. Just. Like. That. That's not what faith or religion are about. And these are the least offensive of the sins Scientology as a whole have committed. There are awful stories about abuse and degradation and stalking, all supposedly in the name of religion. Sadly, it is recognized as a church, meaning Scientology is tax-exempt and no one can just bust down the doors and demand to know wtf is going on behind those closed doors. Hopefully that changes someday.
It is funny how things come to be sometimes. Scientology is basically the Manson Family on golden steroids. The same manipulation, the same blind faith, the same violent outcome. And so many of these people who were lured in fell prey to it because they were at a crossroads in their lives and needed something, someone, to believe in. A lot of the people speaking out in the doc spent well over a decade, or two, or three as a part of the Scientology machine before they were finally able to get out. One woman, John Travolta's former assistant, had to call a friend to break her and her baby out of the Scientology compound after she'd spent months in what was basically a prison camp for a perceived slight against the "church". It was the time in that camp, and seeing how her newborn baby was not being cared for (he was separated from her shortly after delivery) that prompted her to leave. And for the life of her, she cannot figure out why Travolta, whom she considered a close friend at the time, continues to support this ish after finding out what she went through all in the name of so-called spiritual enlightenment. So many of these stories were sad. These people went into this hoping to find some sort of salvation and instead ended up becoming prisoners. It's scary to think what is likely going on behind Scientology's walls to this day. I hope eventually someone has the authority to go in there and sort everything out before it ends up being another Jonestown. But seeing as how Scientology bullied its way into being branded a religion, that seems highly unlikely.

Too Hot To Handle, Too Cold To Hold

Miss N discovered the glory of Ghostbusters 2 last weekend and she's seen it six times since. Six times. In seven days. Gurrrrl, you got issues. Fortunately, her current movie obsession (haha, you obsess like dad does! Loser.) includes a song I never get tired of hearing. Happy Birthday, Miss N!

You're Every Line, You're Every Word, You're Everything

Well, today marks your seventh glorious year on this here earth, Miss N . And I can't believe it's been that long. Time really does fly, and it flies by entirely too fast when you're a parent. It's funny, actually. You're terrified when you first become a parent because it really is venturing into the unknown. You can't be sure you'll be good at it, or if your children will turn out well, and it's not exactly one of those things you can return if buyer's remorse sets in. Then, you feel like the baby years will never end and like you'll never sleep again (and you won't). Years later, you miss all of that and realize the kid is growing up way too fast. And then you have a mid-life crisis, which daddy hopes to have in about ten years time. But no matter the phase or age of your children, parenthood is a full-time, rest of your life job. The way I feel about you is the way your grandma feels about me, and the way my grandma felt about her. I adore you. Adore isn't even a strong enough word for it. Being your daddy has been the greatest blessing. It's taught me a lot, it's (arguably) made me a better human being, and that is all a credit to you. Guuuurl, I was a hot mess before you came along. And when you came along, I was not in a position to be a parent. But, as you may learn someday if you have little ones of your own, you hold your breath and you charge ahead and you hope you can do right by the amazing little person you've created.
Thus far, I think you and I have done alright. I mean, we're both still alive so that's good. Most days we have our stuff together. On the days that we don't, or on the bad days, we still manage to find our way through. I've written to you on or around your birthday so many times (2, 3, 4, 5, 6), but this one feels...different. As you enter your seventh year, I can feel our family on the verge of all kindsa change. This is a different season we're entering, perhaps even more unknown than the early years. You're not a baby anymore, you're not a munchkin anymore, you're...well, a kid. In that weird zone between being a munchkin and becoming, *shudder*, a pre-teen. You don't think dad is as super cool as you did when you were little. In fact, you often roll your eyes at me on like a teenage level, the same way the teenager used to when she was actually a teenager. Someday you're gonna make a fella feel sooooo stupid about something with just an eye roll, girl. You went through a very girly phase last year where mom was just everything to you and dad was just meh. You liked dresses and you liked shoes even more, which I didn't think was possible. But you've since settled back into riding the line between girly girl and tomboy. I introduced you to the original Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers in the last year and it rocked your world, which was awesome to see. You think I'm cool for that, or at least you pretend you do, so thank you for either throwing me a bone or legit thinking I'm neat. As you get older, it's trippy to see which parts of you come from mom and which ones come from me. You're very much a thinker, always have been, but even more so lately. That, you get from me. You love to sit in your room and daydream. That, you can thank your mother for. You sometimes have trouble holding your tongue. That, you get from both of us (sorry). You tell it like it is and you don't care who you're telling it to. It'd be hilarious if you weren't my kid. Okay, it's still hilarious sometimes. We'll work on figuring out when to keep our mouths shut together.
Another thing that has changed for us in the last year is the addition of Gio to our little family. And you lucked out (hell, we both did, he be awesome). You have three parents in your life who absolutely adore you and would do anything for you. Someday, I hope you'll have four. But for now, this is the state of our clan and it's a pretty awesome state to be in. We're happy and things are stable that's important, and it's something your mother and I have both always strived for. Your health and safety are the most important thing to us (your happiness...meh). Nobody, and especially no parent, is perfect but I hope that someday when you look back at this time in your life, you feel like it was good. Your mom had a not so great childhood, and it's very important to her that yours is the polar opposite. So far, so good. I mean, I'm sure there's something we've already done that's scarred you for life and that you'll someday attribute all of your problems to whilst you're speaking to a qualified professional. But we like to think we've done awesome so far. We're the bestest, kinda ok, relatively decent parents ever. You should remember to tell the shrink that too.
In closing, you are the greatest thing to ever happen to me, Miss N. If you never feel that from anyone else, always know you will feel it from me. I think you're the best thing ever. I hope someday you find someone you love and live for as much as I do you. And I hope this next year is the best of your young life. With any luck, there will be more guitar sessions and random karaoke sessions for you and I. More family holidays back home with the crazy people we're unfortunately related to. More Starbucks dates where we continue to try and learn how to play chess the right way, instead of making up stories about the pieces and knocking them off the board. More brunches and lazy Sundays. More travel, more love and more laughs. Because all of that is what makes life worth living. In a lot of ways, you and I are raising each other. I'm turning you into a halfway functional adult and you're turning me into...a halfway functional adult. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I love you, kid.

Find God's Match For You

Last night, the family got so bored (after what was just not a good day yo) that we ended up watching something called, "Christian Mingle: The Movie". And it was about as awful and ridiculous as you'd expect. It featured heavy promotion for the dating site as it followed a woman "approaching middle age" (she was 32...that's not middle age, you religious bastards!) who, with a string of failed relationships behind her, decides to put up a profile and find god's match for her. The caveat being that she's not exactly a Bible thumper (and Lord knows there are no dating sites out there for people who aren't Christian, right?). She fakes her way through a first date with a Christian man and it develops into something more (no physical stuff though, of course), and that's when his super-religious family suspects that she's not as religious as she claims to be. A break-up ensues and that is the catalyst for her to - wait for it -find Jesus. All in one montage, she's readin' the Bible, going to a church and throwing out scripture. When her friend from work starts quoting scripture back to her, she says, "I didn't know you were one!", meaning a Christian and making it sound like it was some big, rare find. This, of course, has the ex seeing in her a brand new, holy light and they end up together. In a nutshell, it was a stupid movie. But it did provide this gem...

G: Why so glum, chum?
Me: Meh. Too much on my mind.
G: What can I do?
Me: Meh.
G: What's the matter? Do you need some time...on your own? Do you need some time all alone? Cuz everybody needs some time on their own. Do you need a Snicker's bar cuz you're not you when you're hungry? Do you need to find god's match for you on Christian Mingle?
Me: LOL.
Y: LMAO. Yes! That's what we all need. You vs. the Bible.
R: LOL. I'll take the Snicker's bar though.
A: Oh my god (pun totally intended lol). You could be the girl in that movie!!
E: Uh...I don't think the Christians are into that kind of roleplay scenario...
A: LOL. Nooo! He could go on there, be all about Jesus and ish and then maybe find Jesus himself.
Me: I already found him lol.
G: lol And as with everything, it didn't take.
Me: lol Pretty much. It was like an egg hunt - doggedly pursuing the prize and then when it's over, I was all, "Now what?".
E: LOL. You're going to hell.
G: LMAO. An egg hunt.
Y: Or...you could pick fights with the believers who are haters and don't like gays and stuff. That could be entertaining for all of us.
R: Oooooh, I like that!
E: What's that one site that doesn't match up the gays? Mingle?
Me: That's e-harmony. I don't know if they still have that policy or not though.
Y: They do. But who needs that old fuck anyway.
A: The rest all do though, right?
Me: As far as I know. The two I was on did.
G: How pathetic it is that ya'll know the ins and outs of different sites #Desperate
Me: Well, you would know about desperate. My cousin was desperate and that's why she married you.
R: LOL. BURN.
G: lol How dare you, sir. We married purely because I needed the money. You'll ruin our reputation!
Y: Dating sites are not desperate, fucker. And you would've been on one with E, Giuseppe and I if you hadn't married young. 
G: Would not.
Y: Would too. You know why? Because we all do fucking everything together lol.
G: Like a congregation!
E: Or a team.
Me: Or a cult!
Y: LOL. That's probably accurate.
A: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go find god's match for you so we can see if it's even possible for you to pick up a Bible without burning your hand.
Me: LOL. You think that's wise? Remember when I walked into the church for G's wedding and the wind kicked up outside? That mofo tried to cast me out with the quickness.
G: LOL. That was glorious! Pun obviously intended.

My Fingertips Are Holding Onto The Cracks In Our Foundation

Someone close to me expressed his displeasure at the current state of his romantic relationship. Apparently he's brought the subject up with his lady friend, but she's swamped with work and doesn't want to deal with it right now. And so he vented to me. Back in 2013, they were introduced by mutual friends and it was, shall we say, a slow burn. He'd been fucked over by his ex in grand fashion and was reluctant to get involved in anything new. She was also just out of a long relationship, but they dated for a few months anyway. Then, began a series of stops and starts, at both of their prompting, that left everything in a massive grey area. They went through a period where they rarely spoke and he even hooked up with someone else for awhile. It was after that that she seemed to realize she wanted to be in a committed relationship with him, but he resisted for reasons only he knows. Finally, they got it on track and began dating exclusively. But it's been anything but easy. There's still that instinct they both have to stop and start at will and that doesn't really work in something serious. He contemplated ending it a few months back for a very stupid reason, but ultimately stayed the course. Now that work has amped up for her, she's on the road a lot and he finds himself unhappily left behind. And it's causing him to wonder if they don't have a solid enough foundation to make things work longterm. They definitely have communication issues and I can't help but get the impression he's not all in on the relationship. I can't figure out if it's because he thinks he can do better or the attraction isn't all there or what. But something is definitely amiss. She's doing what she can to keep things copacetic but he's not exactly helping the cause. I genuinely hope it works out but, sadly, I wouldn't be surprised if he walked away.
It sounds like a cliche but it really is true that the foundation you build before you get into a relationship can determine how things end up down the line. It is this whole building of a foundation that Agent W and I once lamented having to go through again should we ever find ourselves single. And, well, now we both find ourselves single. She's enjoying the freedom of that since she's newly single, while I'm past the enjoyment phase and into that area where I'd just like to be done. I'd be thrilled to fall madly in love with someone and have it stick, rather than falling lustfully in bed with someone I rarely speak to over the next few weeks. With Miss N about to hit her 7th year, I find myself more reflective about the possibility of having more kids. I used to think, "hell no, I got a good kid, the next one would probably be hell on wheels like me!". But now I'm more of the mind that another kid might be nice, if it were fated to happen. And if so, I'd rather it be sooner than later since Miss N is already older than I would've liked her to be when she got a sibling. Don't get me wrong, I could still go either way about procreating once more. But right now, a week before Miss N's birthday, I'm in a, "Sure, why not?" kinda mood. But you know what would really help me out with that? A relationship. Not just any relationship, but a solid one with a good foundation that helps me figure out what the hell I want out of life. Sounds great in theory, but the reality of having to do all that foundation building has been...off-putting for me. I don't mind working at something, especially with someone I see a ton of potential with, but it's like...brick by brick, ya'll. Just writing about it sounds exhausting. But I know how important it is to do so, especially when I've seen so many relationships fall apart because they lack a decent foundation. Anything worth having is worth working at though, right?

I've Been Searching For The Daughter Of The Devil Himself, I've Been Searching For An Angel In White

Oh, Crazy Aunt. I cannot tell you how many times I've gotten a, "Mijo, there's this girl at my work" text where she rattles off all the great qualities of a co-worker and tries to set me up with them. She seems to think I'm being unrealistic in refusing to settle for anything less than being ridiculously in love with the person I choose to spend my life with. She actually told me I'm "getting older" and that soon my looks will go and I'll end up a "confirmed bachelor". I refuted all of this and stood my ground and then I think she started to barter with me, asking what it would take to get me to settle down, as if she were trying to sell me a car or something. This song just happened to come on as we were having this discussion, and it's quite fitting. I've always liked the lines, "I've been searching for the daughter of the devil himself, I've been searching for an angel in white, I've been waiting for a woman who's a little of both". Smartass that I am, I told her that line right there was what would settle me down. A chick who was all those things. The reply? "Done. There's this girl at my work, mijo...might be slutty enough for you". *sigh* She just never learns, yo...

And It's A Sad, Sad World When A Girl Will Break A Boy Just Because She Can

E and I had a long conversation today about exes, specifically how we both have exes who were just awful to us at the end of the relationships. Y and myself can't help but feel partially responsible for the ish his ex put him through. She was a high school friend of ours who moved to the city and reconnected with us and Y thought she and E would be a good match. This chick seemed to have it all yo; career was on point, she was beautiful, she had two degrees and E fell completely head over heels for her. She knew of his past, that he'd lost his fiancee some years prior and that he was a cancer survivor and she took everything in stride. Within months, he was sure he wanted to marry this girl. I'd never seen him that happy before and it was fantastic. But all good things, right? They'd been together about a year and he was beginning to consider proposing when ish hit the fan in major fashion. By this time, she was coming and going from E's apartment pretty much whenever she wanted to, though he rarely spent time at hers. It was one of those, "Huh, that's kinda weird" moments when he mentioned this to the rest of us in conversation, but we thought nothing more of it. One afternoon, Y saw something between this chick and another guy that looked more than friendly, but she wasn't sure if it was her place to confront her about it. We decided to take a wait and see approach and it backfired majorly. A week later, E walked into his apartment to find her making out with some other fucker on his couch. She didn't even try to defend it and never apologized, only saying that he should've known all her business trips and nights when they weren't together were being spent with other men. He ended things immediately and she didn't put up much of a protest. He was a mess for years over her and then, inexplicably, he took her back when they ran into each other on a night out. I still remember when he told all of us they were back on. Our jaws all dropped in unison and then it was like we all took turns telling him how stupid a move it was. To his credit, ever the peacemaker, E listened to all of our concerns and thanked us for caring so much, and then quickly downplayed the severity of what he was doing. He made it seem as if he'd seen the light and was backing off, but really he was just keeping their being back together on the down low. And once she got her claws into him, she dug in deep yo. He was considering spending his life with her again and it was after he said he was heading in a proposal direction again that the ladies in the group broke it down for him and said she was probably still seeing other guys. He wouldn't believe it, but Y confronted the chick and sure enough, she had other men on the side again. And she was also still unconcerned about apologizing for her actions. She kept at it because she could and when she got caught, it was like no big deal and she moved on, not giving a damn about the mess she was leaving in her wake. I will never understand that ish. None of us ever understood it. But it was finally enough for E to ditch her altogether and, for that, I'm thankful. He hasn't dated much since and, of course, the cancer recurring didn't help matters.
While I did some pretty lowdown ish in my time, I never did any of it just because I could. I'm not saying that makes it any better, but I can't even wrap my head around fucking somebody over just because you know you can. And E pointed out that that's probably why I stuck it out so long with you know who. Yes, I cared about her and that was part of it, but it was also that I'd just never been involved with someone so manipulative and who could hurt someone so effortlessly and not feel a thing about it. And I had to sympathize with E's plight on a whole new level because I did the exact same thing with this chick that he'd done with his. There was no cheating, but she'd lash out, be very nasty and the whole thing would be called off and then she'd come back around with a fake ass apology and I'd take her back every time. She'd be nice for a week or two and then the whole cycle would begin again. It wasn't until she seemed to lose the handle on what she was doing herself that I finally saw the light. The niceness became a few days, maybe a few hours, before ish got screwed up again. I began to realize that I went into every interaction with her expecting a brawl and was constantly on the offensive because of it. And somehow, every time I thought we'd bottomed out, it became just another minor skirmish, par for the course if you will, and we kept fighting and hit yet another new low. I've been mad at myself for how I behaved, I said things I never should've even thought and never would say to anyone else, but I can't even be mad at myself for that anymore. It was a learning experience and one of the things I learned is that some chicks will break you down just for the hell of it. And others will bring you down because they can't get out of their own damage and be a part of something good and functional. The thing is...sometimes you can't see if a chick is a good egg or a bad egg until you're already fully engaged in the relationship. *sigh* It can never be easy, ya'll.

Destruction Leads To A Very Rough Road, But It Also Breeds Creation

Well, it's April. I said in a previous post that I've been bogged down with work and illness and family lately and it was almost enough to keep my mind off of the major reason I'm not a fan of this month. Almost. I've been wondering lately how my life may have turned out if things had been different. It's not necessarily that I want it to be different, or that my life has turned out all that awful. I have a beautiful daughter, amazing friends and family and a career that I love. People can do much worse than that and I'm quite aware of how fortunate I am. But whenever you lose someone, there's a tendency to think, 'what if?'. I've never really felt that until the last year or so. What if that night had been just like any other, no loss of life, nothing out of the ordinary? Would my accident have happened if hers never had? Would I still be...the same, mentally, as I was back then? Would the 'dark ages' have ever happened? All of this has passed through my mind recently, possibly because this year would've marked the 20th year we were in each other's lives. Instead, it will mark the 13th year I've lived without her. Something that I didn't think was possible, both before and after it actually happened. And that kills. More than I thought it would actually. But I guess you never really get completely over it. You just learn how to get through your days with that feeling. Sometimes I miss her so much that I dig out some of our old stuff...her stuff...and the way it makes me feel varies. Sometimes it hurts like hell, other times it cheers me up. Not that she's gone obviously, but that I was fortunate enough to have her while she was here. But it also reminds me where we were in our relationship at the time and what might have happened if we'd been fortunate enough to venture on.
After the initial loss, I convinced myself that that last time was for keeps and we were headed towards marriage and kids and a happily ever after. It's part of why my own self-destruction got so bad. I'd never find something that good again, never find someone who just absolutely set me on fire in every way imaginable. I wanted to give up on everything because of that. But once I came out of the fog, I went into the anger phase of mourning and decided that it would never have worked out. We may have gone on for awhile but, just like always, our stubbornness and need for freedom would have split us up, maybe for good. It would've been ugly. It would've been epic in a way that saw even the friendship destroyed. I always felt like we both valued the friendship above anything else. At least, we seemed to behave that way. If our romantic ties ever threatened to tear us down completely as friends, we ended it. I'm not sure if that ever would've changed. We really seemed to get on track and consciously keep working on changing things, but that doesn't mean it was for keeps. Hell, we could've fallen apart weeks or even months after committing to "forever". There's just no way to know. My ideal scenario would have been to stay together, be as amazing as we were at that time, and hopefully end up with our own version of happily ever after. But that's all it is - my ideal scenario. No one will ever know what actually would have happened. As much as it sucks to admit it, we were never meant to be anything more than what we were. It was all set in stone eons before we ever came into each other's lives, that we were going to have to say goodbye.
In no way do I believe her leaving was a good thing, but I know I wouldn't be who I am now had it not happened. While I do believe I would have skipped over most of the negativity that happened in my twenties, I know I would likely have had to deal with other things that altered me in some way. Other losses, other situations. There is no way for me to get to who I am now without everything that happened to the old me back then. One thing I'm very curious about though is how my level of creativity would have changed. I love creating, I love making things and writing and music and all of that stuff. She did too, even more than I do, and that was one of the things that was so awesome about us. We challenged each other to be better, to be more creative. I feel like I fell even deeper into my writing and creating after she left because it was all I had left, my last link to her. And because I still wanted to be as good as her at creating things. I don't know what I would've done if I couldn't write during the dark ages. It's one of the first things I did when I woke up. And it's one of the things that brought me back to life years later when I finally shook off all the negativity I was in. This month never gets easier, per se. But it does get...muted. I've learned to focus on the now and on the good things, especially when the actually day rolls around. I'm still here for a reason.