In The End These Things Matter Most

How well did you love?

How fully did you live?

How deeply did you learn to let go?

Writin' & 'Rithmetic

A few days ago I was cleaning out some stuff and found all of my writing from the past decade. It's kind of a lot when you look at all of it at once. There are 27 notebooks, mostly 70 pages each with a couple of five subject ones thrown in. According to my resident math whiz, that's about 2,170 pages total, every single one of them filled. Damn. I also have 17 more notebooks I have yet to fill (I'm addicted to back to school sales, I stockpile notebooks every year whether I need them or not). As if that weren't enough I also found my stash of pens that I write with. There were 34 pens in all but only 8 actually still had ink. 34-8=26 non-working pens (I did that math all by myself).
I am a serial tree killer and a pen hoarder of the highest order, folks (hey, that rhymes!). I wonder if there's a 12-step program for that?

(Not So) Kindly Unspoken

(This post is directed at a few people who don't seem to think I made the right decision.)

For a long time I was the one everybody worried about in my family. Not that I didn't give them good reason with the accident and the bad habits and chain-smoking of women that followed. I was really good at hiding the worst of my ways in the beginning but then I slipped up and everyone found out about them and I got a thousand versions of the same lecture. So I learned from the experience and became even better at covering my tracks. But there was still worry and whispers about what I was doing. I didn't like who I was becoming but I made no effort at all to change. Even after I finally figured most of it out and came out of the fog I could still sense that everyone expected some sort of relapse into my old behavior. I couldn't fault them for that since I've always had self-destructive tendencies. But it annoyed me that they didn't seem to trust me to live my own life.
You would think that now that I'm a parent and I've been on the straight and narrow for some time now that they would all back off and trust that I've done the whole learn from my mistakes thing, right? Wrong. There are a few holdouts but none more vocal than my cousin, who is like a brother to me. We've always had a hot and cold relationship, we have very different personalities. He's almost exactly one month older than me (and I mean almost to the hour we were born, it's creepy) and thinks he always knows best. Out of the six kids in our household, the two of us were the only ones who could not get along for more than a few days at a time. When we were 8, I allegedly pushed him out of our tree house for trying to boss me around (I say allegedly because I have no memory at all of that time and there were no witnesses). A year later he jumped out of a closet in the middle of the night and scared me so bad that I was afraid of the dark until like five years ago. I love him but I don't like how he gets on me when he thinks I'm making the wrong decision. It's never, "I don't think this is the way to go but it's your decision and I support you." It's always, "You're wrong, this is wrong, you're stupid if you do this."
Awhile back he announced his plans to marry his girlfriend of two weeks (they've known each other for four years but had just started dating). I told him I thought it was too soon but if it really felt right to both of them and they had considered it thoroughly, then they should do it. And that if he wanted anymore advice about it, he could come to me. It would be nice if he could follow my lead and say something supportive about my decision to help a friend through a rough time. But no. He thinks my decision to help this friend through the death of someone close to them is just the latest in a long line of wrong decisions I've made (and he's not the only one but he's the only one who has made his feelings known). He thinks this person is going to suck me back into their life and hurt me but I know better. And I'm not the kind of person to just walk away from a friend in need, especially one who helped me through my father's death last year. I don't feel like I owe them anything, I just feel like it's the right thing to do. My decision to get involved was one I made with both my head and my heart. But Mr Know It All and company disagree. Maybe they're right, maybe I care too much. Or maybe, juuuuusst maybe, I'm the one who knows what's best for me this time.

Exes & Whys

I used to have a lot of bad habits, especially in relationships. I would become enamored with someone, rush into sex, rush into a relationship, get bored and end it (unless she ended it first because of the whole my not dealing with my demons thing). How long it took me to get bored varied, anywhere from two months to two years. The more complex or dark the relationship (or person) was, the longer it lasted. I'm a very passionate person and passion can breed both love and hate, sometimes both at the same time. I've been in too many relationships that were all-consuming one minute and 'what was your name again?' the next (not that I literally forgot her name, but you get the picture). But not all habits are bad. The one habit I've never broken, in relationships or otherwise, is that if you burn me, we're done. I'm an incredibly loyal and devoted dude but I have zero tolerance for betrayal. Unfortunately, the mother of my child does not share this philosophy of cutting off people who hurt her. She's had a rough go of it in matters of the heart, but most of it has been a nightmare of her own making. Her downfall has always been great looking but troubled guys who are also often cheaters. Being in an industry where looks will get everywhere, there is no shortage of these guys hanging around waiting to date someone like her. And she takes the bait every single time.
The two of us have always been very civil in dealing with all things involving our child, so much so that people often comment on how 'adult' we are about it. You know how parents split up and there's drama because neither thinks the other is raising the kid 'right'? Or how whenever dad takes the kid, mom gives him a list a mile long of what is and isn't allowed, what the kid can eat and when, etc.? We've never had to deal with any of that. She trusts me and I trust her and, although we tend to have very different parenting styles, we know we both have the same goal at the end of the day. We want our girl to be happy and healthy and safe (and I tell ya, happy ain't even that important now that she's hit the terrible twos and never seems to stay happy for long). We both accepted long ago that there would eventually be other people who would come into the picture and be a part of our child's life. I feel like as long as the dude is good to the kid and good to her, we'd all find a way to make it work. But I also feel like there's extra responsibility in choosing a partner when you're a single parent. It's not just your life anymore, it's tied to this other little being that you're raising. Drama has no place around a kid and anyone who comes into the fold has to understand and respect that. My standards have changed since I became a parent and I've been working to change the worst of my ways and do away with that all-consuming bad habit. Apparently I'm the only one with a willingness to change.
This weekend my ex and I talked, loudly, about her latest troubled suitor. We usually stay out of each other's personal lives, neither of us needs to know about the others casual dating habits or flings. But we agreed to give one another a heads up when something takes a serious turn and it looks like we might decide to bring the person around our daughter. This situation is complicated by the fact that her new guy is the ex of a friend of mine and the reason he's her ex is that he cheated on her. I guess that little detail is why she waited so long to tell me they were dating (which pisses me off). I don't know if she likes the abuse these guys dish out or if looks really are that much more important than integrity to her or what. But I do know that I don't want this guy around my kid (if it gets that far). I know people can be horrible mates but also make great parents or step-parents, but I don't even think this guy is a big fan of kids. I mean, he cheated because she told him she wanted to try and have a baby (because just saying he didn't want one woulda been, oh I don't know, the adult thing to do). Children learn what they live and if ours is around a highly emotionally charged relationship (as I suspect this one is), she's gonna pick up on that. And that's gonna affect her so much more than I think her mother realizes. To say I don't like this would be a massive understatement. But my hands are tied, it's not my relationship. All I can do is hope she sees that something ain't right here before the kid gets brought into this mess. Why are bad habits the hardest to break?

Boy Toy

I watch a lot of documentaries, especially the mini one-hour ones on TLC, National Geographic, Discovery, BBC, etc. I'm fascinated by human behavior for some reason. A few nights ago I watched a documentary about four couples who were in romantic relationships with a significant age difference. All but one of the couples were older women and younger men, most of them with about a 16 year age difference. The one thing that stuck out to me is that every single one of them seemed to feel very self-conscious about being out in public together. They seemed to feel like everyone was staring or that everyone knew of the age difference and was passing judgement on them. (You could totally tell that two of the couples did have a large age gap just by looking at them though, one guy was married to a chick old enough to be his grandmother - EW). Basically the hour chronicled why they were drawn to each other, what kept them together and how it affected their families.
It kinda got under my skin a little bit to watch this show and I couldn't figure out why until it hit me this morning - I was once a boy toy. Not the fun, friends with benefits kind (although I've been that too) but the kind who always dates older and doesn't care what other people think about it. Maybe it's hardwired into me somehow. My first girlfriend was older than me by three days, the one after her was older by six years (oh yeah, and I was 17 when we dated so do the math to find her age). In my early and mid-20's I dated a string of women who were between 8 and 15 years older than me. Obviously, a large part of it was about sex but not all of it was. I had genuine connections with a few and even a serious romance with one of them (resulting years later in our daughter). I liked dating women who were older than me because there was less drama about minor crap and because they usually knew what they wanted. But it was more than that for me. Those relationships provided a certain kind of escapism that I needed to avoid dealing with my own demons. I knew there was little to no chance of any of them going anywhere significant so I got into a routine of enjoying the ride and bracing for the end of the affair.
Five years ago dating someone eight years older meant that I was 24 and she was 32. Now it means that I'm 29 and she's 37, which is still alright but I find myself a little more self-conscious now about dating someone in their 40's than I was back then. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's that whole 'ignorance is bliss' mentality. Or maybe it's something weirder...like maturity. Maybe it's realizing that being a boy toy (hate that term, accurate as it is/was) isn't for me anymore, either in a friends with benefits way or otherwise. I spent a fair amount of my twenties leaping before I looked, which was a blessing and a curse, but now it's like I have way to much to risk to continue in that mentality. But that is still very much a part of personality so it's not like I can just turn it off. It's weird how much my preferences seem to have changed in the last five years. And they've changed radically in the past year. Yep...I think it might be that whole growing up thing.

23153 Months, 100678 Weeks, 704750 Days Young

As of this afternoon, I am entering the last six months of my twenties. Should that freak me out? I mean, I'm never gonna be twentysomething again after next April. Then I'll be thirtysomething and society says that if you're in your thirties and single and whatnot, you're less desireable. Add in the kid and I'm complete damaged goods. And yet I feel oddly at peace with it all. My twenties haven't always been kind to me and it seems like they've lasted for far longer than nine and a half years because of the bad stuff. I think part of me is relieved to be hurtling towards the supposed big 3-0 because I hope it'll be less traumatic than the 2-0 years. Some of my friends are also in their late 20's and they all seem freaked about turning 30. (One hit the big number three days ago and he refused any kind of celebration, as if it doesn't count if he doesn't acknowledge it. Oddly, this is also how my mother deals with her b-day celebrations, she's been "26" for about fifteen years now). More of my friends have already long since passed 30 and they all say it's only as big of a deal as you make it.
What is age anyway? It's a number. You're only as old as you feel, they say and I like that train of thought because I don't usually feel 29. So how old do I feel? That is a good question. On a good day I feel very much like a kid again because I'm happy and things are working themselves out. On a bad day...older than my 29 years I guess. So good day equals like 12 and bad day equals about 40. But I don't think that's a bad thing. There are far fewer bad days than there used to be, which is always a good thing. I did some math today (yes, voluntarily, aren't ya'll proud?) and I will be in my mid-40's when my daughter turns 18. That seems so far away but I know the years are probably gonna fly by.

Conversations With The Dead

'You seem to be so at peace now.' That's what a friend of mine who hadn't seem me in some time told me today and it really struck me. Primarily because I hadn't realized how far removed I am from my dark ages. But since this talk with a friend I've started thinking about when I...well, when I grew up I guess. Or at least when I was finally able to put most of the stuff that haunted me away.
I don't take many naps but I remember falling asleep one rainy afternoon earlier this year and having a dream that shook me to my core. It was so vivid and so real that when I woke up I was terrified that it hadn't just been a dream. Oddly, in the dream I was also sleeping but then suddenly I was hovering over my own body and looking down at myself. Somehow I knew that I was dead (in the dream, obviously) and I could feel that loneliness and emptiness and sadness that must come with realizing it's all over. I felt so cold. When I woke up the first thing on my mind was my deceased girlfriend and I couldn't stop myself from thinking that she went through that when she left (I still can't say the 'd' word in reference to her). She went through that horrible moment and that just completely gutted me. But as awful as that experience and realization was, I think it's what started my healing on this subject.
It took me a long time to visit my girlfriend's grave for the first time. I missed the funeral because I was, well, in a coma but it never really bothered me that I didn't get to go. I've thought many times over the years about what I would've said at the funeral but I don't think I would've been able to handle saying anything at all. There's nothing I would have wanted the mourners to know about her that they already didn't. I think death is much less traumatic for all involved, in a way, if you know it's coming because you get the chance to say what you need to say. You get the chance to say goodbye, which is something a sudden, traumatic death does not give you the opportunity to do. That bothered me for a long time that I didn't get to say goodbye to her in any form. I had nightmares for a long time about her and about what her last moments must have been like. I felt tremendous guilt for not being there, mistakenly convincing myself that I could have changed something if I had been there. I think part of me felt like I deserved to feel bad. We had all these plans and this whole life we were gonna live out together and it was all just suddenly gone. We were young and naive so we were all about being together 'forever' and I didn't realize what a curse that word was until a few years ago. It was like I was stuck in our forever, but not at all the way we had planned it to be. It didn't help that we'd both had car accidents, yet I survived and she didn't. I struggled with why I was left behind and what I was supposed to do with my 'second chance'. I didn't see my second chance as a good thing for a very long time. The bitter end contaminated the millions of good memories we'd made together and I couldn't shake the nightmares.
I used to think that falling in love again would be the answer to my grief and anger so I kept looking for it in all the wrong places. I went from meaningless relationship to meaningless relationship in an attempt to fill the void and end the loneliness. When that didn't work, I upped the dosage of the various pills I was on due to my accident related injuries. If I couldn't be happy, I may as well be numb. It wasn't until I feel in love again for real that I realized nothing saves you from that situation. I spent years trying to fill a void that was never meant to be filled. Nothing will ever fill that void, it only shrinks some. And I can live with that. I've also learned that it never gets easy and you never get over it. You carry it with you for the rest of your days. And when you do fall in love it only makes things more complicated. I know the kind of relationship we had was rare, it's not something that comes along everyday and it may not come around for me again, but I can deal. I was lucky to get one shot at it. Whoever I end up with will understand that I'll always love you on some level but that she doesn't need to try and compare to you.
I wrote like a man possessed for months following her death, filling up all kinds of notebooks with banter and bad drawings. Ever since I was a kid I've written things down to try and understand them and get past them. I write whenever I'm inspired to, it's such a part of me now. I write stuff down on napkins in restaurants, I have notebooks in every room of my house, I use my cell phone to put down notes so I can expand on them later. I've written less and less the past few month and at first I thought that was a bad thing. But now that I've had time to process it, I think I just have less to write about. The nightmares are few and far between, the old habits are all being kept in check and I feel better than I have in years. I don't know if I can go so far as to say I'm content, that's something I've never been in my entire life. But I guess at peace is a good way to put it for now.

Hostage

My daughter is the absolute light of my life. Don't know how I got along before her and I never want to have to live without her. But I am sad to report that the sweet, innocent girl I fell in love with seems to have gone M.I.A. the past few weeks. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the dreaded terrible twos have taken her over. Oh sure, she still looks like the same beautiful, curious soul she ever was (and I hope will be again someday). But behind the not a care in the world smile and adorable laugh lurks a mini-woman hellbent on spending all of her waking moments in timeout. Seriously, I should just park her in a corner after breakfast cuz we both know she's gonna end up there in short order anyway.
I have asked everyone who has ever dealt with a terrible two year old for suggestions on how to navigate all this. And I got nothin'. Everybody says we just have to be consistent with the discipline and the rules and wait it out. I had hoped we'd never get to this stage, at least not to the full blown terrible twos. She's dabbled in bad behavior before but now she seems to have fully committed to the cause. Eventually the moodiness will subside and the thrill will be gone and, I hear, she'll be back to her well-behaved self. At least until she hits puberty. And then there's her teenage years. It is kinda like being hostages in a way.

It Gets Better

I was on a television set once when one of my straight friends asked his gay co-star, 'How long have you known you were gay?' His reply was, 'How long have you known you were straight?' It was always just a part of him, just as being straight was always just a part of my friend. I don't think any straight person can honestly know what it's like to go through the process of realizing your sexual preference is different and garnering the courage to come out to the people you love. It's devastating to see stories in the year 2010 about kids and young adults killing themselves because they're ridiculed about being gay. I can't imagine how it must feel to believe you're better off dead than to show the world your true self. And it has to be especially crushing if your family is super religious or traditional and you know that there's no way they ever could accept you for who you are. Like most sane people, I am a firm believer that you are born with whatever sexual orientation you were meant to have. To me, saying that someone chooses to be gay is like saying they can choose their race, which is obviously not possible. Being in the entertainment industry, I have no shortage of gay friends and some of them are still not out of the closet because they know their families would disown them if they knew.
I have a friend I met in Kindergarten, whom I've known was gay since...well, since before either of us knew what the word 'gay' meant. All throughout our school years (Kinder through HS), I knew something was different about him, nothing I can really explain but he was often teased about his eccentricities. We grew apart after we graduated high school but still e-mail back and forth and we made plans to meet up a few years ago on one of my trips home. One day he sent an e-mail confirming our plans and at the end he wrote, 'P.S. - Oh yeah, I'm gay (in case you didn't know).' I told him I already knew and he asked why I hadn't said something about it. I said it didn't matter to me if he was gay or straight, either way he was still my friend. We've rarely spoken about it since and it hasn't changed our friendship in any way.
It was a similar situation about everyone knowing before it was made official with my cousin, who came out before Thanksgiving dinner four years ago. He was a total stud in high school; jock, girls lined up around the block to date him, and he dated a few of them but none seriously. He didn't date much during his first years of college but began sorta seriously dating a friend of his sisters when he was 23. Their relationship ended, loudly, at the family house one summer night and he didn't bring anyone around for a very long time after that. Everyone suspected he was gay but we knew he had to come out on his own and that it might not be for awhile since he needed to make peace with it first so we all just went about our lives and subtly let him know we were there if he needed to talk. Flash forward to a year later, a beautiful, warm Thanksgiving day at the family house. It was the usual hanging out and playing games, watching football kinda day until twenty minutes before we were gonna sit down for dinner. Some of us, including his mother and father (dad was whining about having to wait so long for dinner), were in the kitchen helping set stuff out when my cousin comes in all nervous and quietly sits at the counter. I asked him if something was wrong and he said, 'I'm gay'. Just like that. And then this look of like terror came over his face because he knew the genie was outta the lamp. I went to hug him but he brushed me off because he said he'd changed his mind and wasn't gonna come out that day and he didn't want anyone to think something was up. So everyone starts picking up stuff to take out to the table and he stands just inside the doorway and stares at everyone. So we stare back, all the while holding hot plates and serving dishes. Then he says, 'I'm gay' and, without missing a single beat, his dad says, 'Fine. Can we eat now?', waits for his son to shake his head 'yes' and goes out to the table. Once everyone sat at the table, there was a weird silence for a few minutes and then my great grandmother (who had such a mouth on her and did not censor herself, God rest her soul) said something I'd rather not repeat here and that oddly got the discussion going. Everybody pretty much knew and everybody was fine about it, including his somewhat traditional Mexican-American father whom he really thought would have a problem with it.
Even having been raised in a very tolerant environment with the most open, loving bunch of people you could ever hope to know, he was still terrified of coming out which tells you how difficult it must be. And how impossible it must seem for those who do not have families that are as loving and accepting. It's such a shame that so many people think the only option they have is death. There should be more access to education about homosexuality and even counseling, especially for young kids, about how to come to terms with your sexuality and how to be okay with being different. Projects like this are great and hopefully will help a lot of people but I get the feeling some kids who don't want to be gay won't even seek this stuff out.
But it's not just about being gay or straight, it's also about being bullied in general which seems to lead more and more kids to thinking suicide is their only option. Everybody can relate to being bullied on some level, I was bullied heavily throughout elementary school. I was raised around a bunch of women so by the time I started school I had a lot of girl friends and female cousins who I hung around with. I was also harassed about my eye color (green) which made me stand out amongst my mostly brown-eyed Hispanic classmates, despite my being Hispanic myself. It was rough stuff to deal with but you deal with it and you believe there's something better on the other side of it all. And there is. But you can't run away from who you are and if you don't deal with that you'll never know who you're meant to become. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem and being gay or different should never be considered a problem.

That's How We Roll, Connected At The Soul

People often comment on how cool it must be for me to have a twin and I guess I can see their point. Part of the thinking is that you're never alone when you have a twin and that you're always connected to somebody. I adore my sister, she's always been one of my best friends. But there is such a thing as too connected sometimes, as in one of us knowing what the other is gonna say before they even think it (seriously, it creeps us both out but it's such a habit now that we can't stop). But as close as we are, neither of us would refer to each other as soul mates.
I've written before about my belief that soul mates aren't just people you fall you in love with and aren't just of the opposite sex. I can't explain what it is that makes for a soul mate but if you've ever had one, you know. I guess the basic definition is probably that something in you recognizes something in them, maybe from a past life (which I believe in but some people don't and have completely different views on this, obviously) and you feel instantly bonded to them. They just get you right off the bat and it's an amazing feeling to be connected to someone in that way. I'm lucky that I've had more than one soul mate in my life but only one that's been there for just about all of my almost 30 years on the planet.
My best friend and I "met" in the NICU when I was three months old and she was a premature newborn. Our moms struck up a conversation and became friends and it was almost fate when it turned out that we lived only a few miles from each other. We grew up playing at each other's houses and were usually in the same classes throughout elementary school. We were separated in our schooling for two years when I went to Catholic school but ended up in the same middle school for one year and then the same high school, resulting in the now infamous prom story (first paragraph here). We lived together for a long time, starting in college and then continuing for awhile after that. There's never been any doubt that she's my best friend. Somehow we both know that we're never gonna be without each other in our lives. We've taken each other's fears and dreams and insanity and self-sabotage and we don't judge it, we just listen. There's never any 'I told you so' when something doesn't work out. Our lives have had this weird parallel thing going on, we seem to make similar decisions but at different times. A few months after my engagement ended, she married my ex-fiancees brother, which you would think would be very awkward but wasn't because he was the first guy I actually trusted with her. It didn't last but hey, everybody makes mistakes, right? We've been there for each other through two engagements (one for each of us), one marriage (hers), two kids (one each) and countless break-ups and make-ups. We've never had a real argument or falling out of any kind and that's kind of amazing for a thirty year friendship.
Our families would like nothing more than for us to realize we belong together as more than friends and run on down an aisle somewhere (I blame their unrealistic expectations on my brother who saw us kiss when we were like 11 and ran off and told everyone we were in love). But I think after thirty years and two kids, they're finally coming to terms with the fact that it's just not in the cards. We've both dated people who were insanely jealous of our relationship and couldn't understand how it could be platonic when we were so close and had so much in common. (It became such an issue with dates that we decided not to live together anymore). I bring all this up because she's going through a hard time and she's been on my mind a lot lately. It's like I want to tell her things are gonna work out but when I'm not honestly sure myself that they're gonna...I don't wanna lie to her. And so I'm not sure what to say. And it pisses me off that I can't fix things or change them so they go her way but such is life I guess. *sigh* It just sucks. The optimist in me says it's gonna be alright while the tiny cynic in me says, 'Dude, you know it's gonna go the bad route because the universe demands it.' (That's right, I call myself 'dude' when I talk to myself). Here's hoping for the best...

Trippin' Down Memory Lane

I have been on a serious streak of...inspiredness (shut up, it's a word) the past few weeks. I'm not sure where it's coming from but I've been writing like a man possessed, both on here and off, and I've been playing my guitar a lot at random times (which is about the only thing that makes my daughter happy now that she's officially entered the dreaded terrible twos phase). Not only have I been on a roll in my writing but I've been really into listening to oldies music on my ipod and it's taken back to when I was a kid. My mom always listened to the same 60's/70's radio station in the car when we were kids. I remember going places with my friends and their parents let them change the station to our then-new and hip (though now sadly considered oldies by some) 90's music and I was so jealous because my mom never let us touch that dial. But when I was about 8-years-old, I realized that I actually loved a lot of the music her oldies station had exposed me to (though I didn't admit it then).
My mom is a very creative person and my father was a musician so it was almost a given that my sister and I were going to have a love of all things creative. Before I realized how much I loved the music that was forced upon me, I would rebel by making up my own words, usually something funny. I wish I'd taken the time to write them down because I can't remember any of them now. But I remember being so struck by the actual words of the songs I was hearing. Even now, maybe because of my sudden inspiredness (that's right, I'm gonna make it a household term, you watch), I'm just connecting the songs I'm hearing all over again. I get into phases with my music where I'll listen to the same song or playlist for days or weeks, which annoys my friends like you wouldn't believe. I think this habit stems from when my sister and I got this little grey stereo for our birthdays one year and we had to share it. Keep in mind, this was back when cassette tapes were still the coolest thing on earth so if you wanted to hear a song again, you had to rewind, then stop to see where you were and then, most likely, rewind again until you got to the beginning. It wasn't the instant gratification of hitting the back button on your ipod and hearing a song you loved again. We would play the same tape for a month because music was also not as accessible back then. We took that little boombox everywhere.
Music is such a universal thing in that everyone loves some form of it. I've always been a sucker for lyrics. The beat can be ridiculously good but it rarely is the reason I'm drawn to a song. I have to connect to it in some other way. We'd be here for days if I listed my favorite songs but there are two in particular that have gotten to me lately. One came up today on my playlist of my favorite songs that I hadn't heard in awhile. 'You Don't Have To Say You Love Me' by Dusty Springfield was my grandma's favorite song. (The popular opinion in the family is that it reminded her of grandpa who was killed when he was in his early thirties. Random odd/creepy fact - I'm often told that I look like my grandparents son, not their grandson. And I look almost identical to my grandpa). Obviously I had no clue what it was about when I was a kid but I was still very drawn to it for some reason. Now I know the reason I love it is because it is exactly what love should be.

'You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand
You don't have to stay forever, I will understand
Believe me, believe me, I can't help but love you
But believe me, I'll never tie you down'

The other song that I've had on repeat is 'Something' by The Beatles. It pretty much spells out how it's gotta be when you fall for someone and go into a relationship. You don't know if it's forever, but you hope so and you go in with the best of intentions. When you break it down, it's basically saying, 'You want me to tell you we'll be together forever and I can't tell you that. But hey, if you hang around for awhile we'll find out together.' Not as romantic as the concept of 'forever' which I don't believe in anymore (I used to be a total sucker for it). But it's more realistic I think. I can't tell you what I don't know and I don't know if this is gonna last for the long haul, but I love you and I think we should give it a shot.

'You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know, I don't know
You stick around now it may show
I don't know, I don't know'

Intolerance

So I went out to breakfast this morning with my daughter and her mother. For those who don't know, my ex is African American and I'm Hispanic making our daughter biracial. My ex and I always drew stares when we were out and about but neither of us ever really cared until the kid came along. It annoys the hell out of both of us how people stop and stare at our dark-skinned, green-eyed little girl. It's about 70/30 in terms of the positive comments (ie. 'She's beautiful', 'Look at those eyes', etc.) to the negative stares. That's right, people wanna judge but they don't dare say anything to our faces about her. But this morning we encountered a particularly cruel group. We sat down at our table and started talking and about ten minutes later another group was seated in the booth behind us. Being the curious little soul she is (I'm so proud of that), our girl sat up and looked at the people as they sat down and then turned back towards the table. My ex was able to see the people at the next table and she quietly mentioned to me that they seemed to be staring at her, but trying not to make it obvious. We thought nothing of it until about ten minutes later when I overheard the woman at the next table (who was white) say something rather loudly about how there should be no mixing of races. I ignored it and continued eating because I learned long ago that you can't change the minds of people like that. Then another family walked in (with the cutest twin boys I've ever seen) who were also clearly a multicultural family. Just before they sat down, the rude group that was sitting behind us said, 'There's another one' and got up and left, causing a bit of a scene when their waitress confronted them about trying to leave without paying. Everything was sorted out and the rest of the morning went without incident. But the whole situation seriously pissed me off. Partly because my family situation is none of their business. But I think another part of me just thinks it's sad that people can still be so intolerant and can't accept that this is how it is now. Sooner rather than later, everybody is gonna be part this race and part that one and probably a little bit of everything else. I know I shouldn't let it get to me so much but I can't help it right now. I can't even find the words to finish what I want to say. Maybe later...

99.9% Accuracy

My best friend is an online quiz junkie and I have been forced to take many a pointless quiz over the years. Most of them have been total crap, especially the ones about personality. I've got a weird personality (who doesn't, right?) and I've often been described as an enigma (not sure if that's a good thing or not). I've only ever taken one personality test that's been eerily accurate and I took it twice (at separate times) just to see if I got the same result. I did and now I'm even more creeped out. Obviously not all of it is right on but the majority of it is absolutely right. I'm posting it now because of one my best friends was a psychology major (at Harvard, no less) and I think she's gonna get a kick out of it.

"About your personality type

You are very curious and you love adventure, either or both intellectual and physical. So when you get interested in something, you can become extremely focused on it, sometimes to the exclusion of all around you. You pursue your interests thoroughly, too, often with originality and exactitude. You are adaptable, competitive and a problem-solver, as well as skeptical, tough minded and determined. Because you have a lot of energy and tend to be enthusiastic about your theories and projects, you can be very persuasive. You are eager to make an impact on those areound you, too, as well as in the wider world. You are irreverent and highly independent. So you can be oblivious to authority figures, as well as to rules, schedules and social customs. And although you enjoy people and can be charming and humorous, you are not interested in routine social engagements or anyone whom you regard as boring. Instead, you seek stimulating and focused conversations; and you are comfortable being by yourself, pursuing your own many interests.

Of all twelve personality types, you are also the most sexual-because both dopamine and testosterone stimulate the sex drive.
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Primary traits

Novelty seeking, Impulsive and spontaneous, Curious, Creative, Flexible, Open-minded, Energetic, Decisive, Focused, Analytical, Logical, Competitive, Self disciplined, Independent
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In Love and Relationships

You look out not in; you are foremost interested in the world around you. So you are attracted to a mate who is also intellectually and physically adventurous and interested in dissecting this complex, tangible universe. You particularly like imaginative and theoretical people, a "mind mate." And you like a partner who is sexual, because you regard sex as an important aspect of a relationship. You have nerves of steel and thrive on the edge. You are also decisive and direct. So you are unconsciously drawn to those who can balance out your highly independent and tough-minded spirit--those who are novelty seeking, yet compassionate, verbal, intuitive, trusting, flexible and emotionally expressive.
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Relating to others

You like to have good conversations on important topics; so people tend to admire you for your knowledge and innovativeness. You shy away from emotional or self-revealing conversations, however; introspection leaves you cold. Instead, you derive intimacy from doing things with friends or a partner. So you make an exciting, although at times aloof, companion.
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Things to be aware of

-You can be highly emotionally contained, even pretending that you are fine when you are in deep psychological or physical pain.
-You become impatient with cautious people or wordy conversations.
-You can become so wrapped up in your own interests that you spend too little time with your partner."

The Trouble With Me

Wonder why I've been posting almost every day lately (and sometimes more than that)? Because I'm not sleeping. And when you're not sleeping, it leaves you plenty of time to think. It's not like I'm lying in bed at night staring at the ceiling and thinking. It's more like I take forever to fall asleep but I don't stay asleep, then I toss and turn (figuratively, since I can't really move all that well) and drift in and out of sleep the rest of the night. I do manage to stay asleep for good for the last few hours of the early morning, just before my daughter runs in and wakes me up. Fortunately, I don't need a lot of sleep to function since I have a ridiculous amount of stored energy. I've been here before; my brain in a constant running state and me unable to shut it off. If I knew how to shut it off I could sell the secret and become a millionaire. But I don't need to be a millionaire. I just need to wrap my head around some stuff that's going on. Medical stuff, custody stuff, dealing with women stuff... and it's not all bad stuff, really. But sometimes even good stuff keeps you up all night. Even if I were sleeping I'd probably still be posting a lot. I've been some kind of inspired the last few weeks. More on that later...

'Abusive' Relationships

1. Characterized by improper or wrongful use
2. Using or containing insulting or coarse language
3. Causing physical injury to another
4. Characterized by maltreatment

Those are the definitions of 'Abusive'. I didn't realize how broad the definitions were until someone pointed it out to me recently. I've always known I have some experience with physically abusive relationships; my surrogate grandmother had a daughter (whom I've always considered an aunt) who often dated men who knocked both her and her kids around and my aunt was once in an abusive marriage. It's funny how people handle things differently though. My aunt married a man who could be a little brash at some times and they had a son together. After that he'd make little comments she didn't care for but she let it go and three years later they had a daughter. One night he'd been drinking and he came home and raised hell about something minor and she took the bait and barked back at him. Then he slapped her across the face. She got up off the floor, kicked him right where it counts and grabbed the kids and went to her mom's house. The next day she filed for divorce and no one's seen or heard from him since. She was able to pull herself out of a horrible situation before it got out of hand. Yet my other aunt is still prone to bad relationships with men and it's already a pattern that her two daughters are repeating. I don't know if she doesn't want to get out of it or if she's just become comfortable with it all because she doesn't know anything different.
I've never been in a physically abusive relationship but I realize now that I've been in emotionally abusive ones. Even worse is that I think that was one of my patterns back in the day and I didn't even know it. My first girlfriend and I ran on pure passion from the start. Passion breeds both love and hate and passion plus youth equaled some pretty loud arguments. She had her own issues, primarily stuff with her father and his death, and she would frequently take out her frustrations on me. There were two sides to her and one of them said some nasty stuff whenever she was hurt or depressed. I ended the dating part of it because I got tired of putting up with her crap. Eventually she worked out her issues and we got back together and everything was fine, we were able to put it all behind us. This should've been something I learned from (hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?). I was still a teenager then but I recognized that I was not being treated well and that I had the power to change the way I was being treated.
I was 23 when I started dating the mother of my child the first time. She was in the midst of a divorce and I was still mourning the loss of my first love, so we really had no business pursuing a serious relationship. I noticed very early on that even though she was gorgeous and smart and funny, her years of dating bad dudes had taken a toll on her self-esteem. She had been the victim of cheaters on numerous occasions and her divorce was the result of a physical altercation she'd had with her soon-to-be ex-husband. It was almost like she expected me to cheat on her at some point and she had resigned herself to it already. That drove me up the wall. We didn't fight much the first time we dated but when we did it was loud and she would say things that really just hurt me to my core. But since it was so infrequent, I let it go. When we started dating the second time, she'd had plenty of years to figure herself out and deal with her own stuff and I noticed she was much happier and didn't lack self-esteem at all. What I didn't notice until later on was that she also had no problem saying exactly how she felt when something pissed her off. But she didn't say it in a constructive way, there was always some little dig at me; something I loved or something about my personality. I know I can be overly sensitive at times and about certain things so I didn't say anything about it. But she started to realize that I wouldn't fight back and this gave her more of the power in the relationship at the time. I should've spoken up right away and not allowed her to treat me like that but I chalked it up to my sensitivities and our incompatibility and let the relationship continue. Somehow I was stupider in this relationship than I was in the first one.
I've never been one to take out my frustrations on other people. and I think that's why I don't understand those who do. I guess I just don't see any point to it really. I tend to internalize and then write and that's how I work through things. People can only treat you as bad (or as good) as you let them. And I think staying in a relationship that borders on abusive has a lot to do with one's self-esteem. I've never had like super low self-esteem but I guess I did have some issues if I let things continue like that. It's funny how you can't see some stuff until you get way past it and then you're like, 'What the hell was I thinking?'. I wonder if witnessing abusive relationships as a youngster has any connection to my being in them as an adult. Relationship patterns are such a pain in the ass to deal with and change. Especially when you didn't even know you fell into some of them.

Like A Kid Again

My daughter came wandering in this afternoon with markers and paper and asked me to draw with her. Within about twenty minutes, everybody in the house was sitting down drawing or coloring.

This is the picture my girl drew for me. She's more of an abstract artist.



This is the picture I drew. I'm no artist but hey I gave it my best.


But my cousin, the art major, has to go and draw this one from memory in about ten minutes.

Isn't it amazing how the talent can differ so much in one family? As in, two of them have drawing talent (cuz really, she's only 2 so we don't know if she's gonna be a great artist or not) and me having not a whole heck of a lot. lol Doesn't matter though, we all still had a blast hanging out together.

To Groomzilla, With Love

Dear Groomzilla,

I love you, I really do. We've known each other since we were five years old, when my mom caught you peeking though the fence and invited you over to a BBQ our family was having. You taught me English and I taught you Spanish. We've been through so much together. As we grew into adults, I watched you almost succumb to your demons. I nearly broke down your door to force you to face those demons. I drove you to rehab after you hit bottom and I proudly looked on as you put your life back together. I was there when you met the love of your life and I was the one to call you an idiot every time you nearly lost her. And in six months I will be the one at your side as best man when you (finally) marry her.
Now that I have reminded you of our wild ride, let me get to what this open letter is really about. Consider this a groomzilla intervention. I find it amusing that your future wife has been waiting to plan this wedding for seven years, yet you're the one who seems to have completely taken it over. One word dude - BREATHE. It is one day out of (hopefully) a million that you two will get to spend together. Every little detail does not have to be perfect. Ten years down the line everything that went wrong will be a funny story you pass along to the kids so is it really worth it to get all worked up if something isn't "perfect"? (I put it in quotes because I don't think perfection exists). So, following the logic that there is no such thing as perfect, don't call me to ask if/when I'm gonna get my suit. I'll get it on time. Stop badgering me about my speech. I'm gonna write what I'm gonna write, when I'm gonna write it (and the more you pester me about it, the more likely I am to write in some embarrassing childhood stories). Don't drag me along to help you with boring ass stuff like picking out invites (seriously? You couldn't bring me along to something fun, like say, a cake tasting?). I'll say it one more time - BREATHE.
Two more things before I go - One: You are driving me nuts so take a chill pill dude. And two: Just relax and enjoy the journey to and the big day itself. It'll work out the way it's meant to. You only get married once. Well...actually some people get married like seven times (you'd think they'd learn after the first six divorces, right?). Then there are those who never get married (I like to call us the smart ones ;p). Anyway, in closing, you just need to back the hell off of everyone's case on this wedding prep stuff. Thank you for your time.

Love, Me

Absence of Faith

It's been three years since my surrogate grandmother passed away (see here and here). I feel bad that I didn't think of her on the anniversary of her death. I think I said in one of the posts listed above that we'd stopped talking because of how she made me feel about myself. That's still true, in a way. But I've since learned that people can only treat you as bad or good as you let them. So I'm not completely blameless in the whole scenario. What's weird is that the things she would get on me about were the same things she was doing herself (drinking too much, running away from problems). Maybe there was more to it than I realized. But her death was one of the catalysts that led me to examine my life and eventually change my ways. I guess that counts for something, right?
I do think about her a lot though, especially when I look at my daughter because it sucks that they're never going to know each other. And I wish she'd lived long enough to see me get myself together and apply myself to being a good parent (both to the teen and the toddler). She'd get a kick out of me becoming a parent to a teenager first. And I think about what I learned from her. I could go on for pages and pages about the things she taught me, both good and bad, but at the top of the list is this - No matter how bad things are, you just gotta have faith that they're gonna work out in the end. Faith will get you through anything. The second biggest thing I learned from her is that the best things in life aren't things. She never had much but she somehow always had enough to get by. I just wish she'd taken her own advice and kept her faith and realized that she had all she needed at the end. Then maybe it wouldn't have had to be the end.

Being Parental and Stuff

There are few things as depressing as realizing you're just like your parents in some ways. It's not always that you don't want to be like them, because some of us grew up with awesome parents. It's more the fact that you realize how far removed you are from the days you told yourself you'd never do 'that' to your own kids. You know what 'that' I'm referring to, it's whatever they told you you couldn't do or something they punished you for that you felt at the time was a complete miscarriage of justice (I actually used those words once when I got grounded for something). When I was a junior in high school my mom began having panic attacks and suddenly started denying us stuff that we'd been able to do before. Our curfew was moved up and we had to check in more, which we all thought was lame because we were almost 'adults' and should've been trusted. Now I completely understand her reasons, of course, but everything seems like it's unfair when you're a teenager.
My teenager is no longer a teenager, she turned 20 in August, yet she still tests my patience on an almost weekly basis. I know that having to deal with her prepared me for having one of my own and I never would have imagined I'd be dealing with a teen and a toddler at the same time but that's life. I was very aware of how I dealt with disciplining my teenager because I was still so close to my own teen years that I understood a lot of what she was going through. But now at the ripe old age of 29, I have finally spouted my first 'parental' sentence and I have to admit that it set me back a little. My teen was whining about something she didn't think was fair last night and it escalated to the point of me saying, 'You know, when I was your age...'. As soon as the words left my mouth it was like all time stopped and we just sat in silence for a few seconds like we were both thinking, 'Dude...did you really just say that?!'. Yes. Yes I did. And now I'm thinking it's allllll downhill from here. I may not like it but I'm probably gonna whip out more parent-isms in the future, especially as my toddler becomes a teen (why God, why?!). The even sadder thing is that I'll probably become comfortable with it all at some point and then wonder why my own daughter is freaking out about becoming her parents. Then when I have my mid-life crisis I'll look back on my life and wonder where it all went so horribly wrong. The moment I uttered those words was the beginning of the end, folks.

Attack of the Clone

My daughter is just a few days shy of 2 and a half and she LOVES to talk. As I understand it, I loved to talk at her age too but I rarely spoke to strangers. I had two sides (and still do, actually); I was a very shy kid around anyone who wasn't family or a close friend, which was probably a good thing because the unpredictable, talkative daredevil in me came out when I was home. Further complicating things for my mother was that I was one of those kids who would study a situation and then apply my (usually evil) knowledge to changing it. Example: When I was 6, my mom got me a Rubik's cube that had the faces of Disney characters on it, instead of colors. I twisted and turned it for about twenty minutes before realizing I could just pull off the stickers and reattach them so that they'd all be on the same side. This little incident, as well as a few others prior to it, earned me the nickname 'The Professor', which still stands to this day.
It seems as though my little girl has inherited my unpredictable nature and love of figuring things out. But she has yet to decide if she wants to use this power for good or evil, so I'm not sure how to feel about it. Another, better thing she's apparently inherited is a talent for picking up languages. We always intended to raise her as bi-lingual (English and Spanish) but what we didn't count on was her two best friends throwing two more languages into the mix. My sister's youngest son will be three in a few weeks and he and my daughter just adore each other like you wouldn't believe. He's deaf so they can't exactly talk in the traditional sense but he's somehow managed to teach her quite a bit of sign language in the last six months and they carry on in their own little world that way. Her other best friend is the little girl of one of my friends, who speaks a weird mix of French, Spanish and English. Whenever they play together they carry on in almost fluent French. That's four languages that she's currently speaking. She hasn't even been alive four years yet.
I think children are much smarter and much more aware of things than people think. They study and are very tuned in to everything the people around them do. I imagine this is why shrinks attribute everything to their patients parents, because a lot of who we are is based in how we were raised. I was raised in a very creative household and was encouraged to just be a kid and explore my world. My daughter is the product of two creative people who like to ask questions and love to learn so it's not totally unexpected that she's soaking up so much knowledge. It is a bit of a surprise that she's picking up so much so soon though. It's crazy to see so much of yourself and the people you love in this little person. I just hope her passion for learning doesn't wane as she gets older and is inevitably influenced by her peers. You know, she could be President some day ;p

Stupidity Squared

I love my friends and I'm supportive of them no matter what they do (unless it's destructive, obviously). And really, who has friends whose decisions they agree with 100% of the time? No one, that's who. But the past week and a half I've heard through the grapevine that some not so great stuff seems to be going down involving three friends of mine. (I swear my family/friends are like Mayberry, everybody knows everybody's business 30 seconds after it happens). This is an attempt to see if I can understand these situations better by writing them down (I doubt it, but you never know).
Let's talk about one of my best friends E and his girlfriend (and my former friend) Z (yes, those really are their actually initials). E is one of those 'don't judge a book by its cover' cases; he's Brooklyn born and bred, he's got tattoos up and down his arms and he loves the Yankees (well, nobody's perfect lol). But he's one of the greatest people I know and he's had a rough 33 years. He lost his dad to violence and his fiancee in a car accident which also left him with a broken back that forced him to give up a baseball scholarship. He's come a long way from all of that and I'm very proud of him for it. Z and I were friends by association in high school, she played basketball with my best friend so we all hung out together every now and then. Two years ago she came back into my life when she got a journalism job in N.Y. and we got to know each other better and became close. I introduced E to Z and they very quickly entered into a relationship. E was completely smitten and considering proposing when his sister started having suspicions about Z. His sister felt like there was more to Z's travel schedule than she was letting on and she turned out to be right. E came home one day to find Z making out on his couch with another guy. She was unapologetic about it and claimed that he had to have known that she was seeing other people on the side. She broke his heart and it took him a long time to recover.
Flash forward to about six months ago when E decided to start dating Z again. No one thought it was a good idea but it's his life and his decision. He's considering proposing (again) in a few months and it's put a rift between him and the rest of the group. Obviously, we want him to be happy but we also know this is not a good idea. I'm a big believer in 'once a cheater, always a cheater' and considering she wasn't remorseful at all after she did it the first time, I doubt she'll have trouble doing it again. It's that whole stuck between a rock and a hard place situation and we're all in this holding pattern, hoping he'll realize he can do (and that he deserves) so much better.
Then there are friend's X and Y. They've known each other since jr. high and, once upon a time, X's sister was engaged to Y's brother. X and Y never spoke much or hung out during their high school years, which many people took to mean they didn't like each other. Those of us in the know were aware that they were actually crushing on each other but didn't wanna hook-up since their siblings were gonna get married. But the engagement ended very badly during college and everyone (including Y) rallied around X's sister. Slowly X and Y fell into a friendship and, inevitably, they started dating. They're been together about three months when X found out she was pregnant. They navigated the next nine months without really knowing if they were together because they were in love or just because they were expecting. One month after the birth of their daughter they split up and kinda lingered for a few months before ending it for good.
So imagine my shock when they started telling everyone about their plans to have another child together. Their little girl is now one and a half and she's beautiful but I'm not sure why they're in such a rush to give her a sibling. Or why they think she needs to have a sibling at all. Neither of them have any romantic prospects so I guess they figure, 'What the hell?'. But is that really any reason to bring another life into the world? How would you even explain that to the kid when they get older? They're gonna be able to do math and realize that their parents weren't together when they were born. And then they're gonna figure/know the only reason their alive is because their parents wanted their first child to have a sibling. It just seems to me that this would be making a a complicated situation over-complicated. They're in a good place now and I think that's clouding their judgement. But they say the rest of us 'just don't get it'.
Wouldn't it be nice if the people you loved realized they were wrong before they made big mistakes?

Don't Know Much About Religion...But If I Did, What A Wonderful World This Could Be

Recently a quiz was conducted to gauge the religious knowledge of the country. It wasn't complicated; over the phone 3,400 people were asked the same 32 questions. Some examples;

'Where, according to the Bible, was Jesus born?'
'When does the Jewish Sabbath begin?'
'What was Joseph Smith's religion?'
'What is Ramadan?'
'What does an Agnostic believe?'

The questions covered all religions (and some basic knowledge questions) and the results were apparently surprising for some, but not at all surprising to me. Agnostics and Atheists scored the highest, Jews and Mormons were next and Protestants and Catholics did pretty well (although only half of Catholics knew what taking communion meant, ie. body and blood of Christ, which was a little surprising since they tell you what it is when you take it). Eight people got all of the questions right and six people got them all wrong. Folks in the Bible-belt scored the lowest. The result of the quiz was basically this: Americans are not all that educated about any religion other than their own - and sometimes they're not even fully educated on that. The more education you have, the more you tend to know about other religions. I don't get why that's surprising but I guess it was brand new information for some people.
I'm not an Atheist or Agnostic but I went on a religious self-discovery journey of my own awhile back so I read up on all kinds of religions. I read the Bible during Catholic school and again during my recovery (which worked out cuz I'd lost quite a bit of that info in the accident). I'm planning on reading the Koran when I get enough time to sit down with it, not because I'm still on some sort of spiritual quest but because I want to know more about Islam. I enjoy learning about religions and the similarities and differences between them. Unfortunately, not everyone does and so a lot of people believe what they believe and see no reason to seek out information about anything else.
I'm not exactly against religion, everyone needs to believe in something, but I think religion has grown out of control. Everyone's so convinced that their way is the 'one true path' and they feel the need to try and convert anyone who doesn't follow their religion (the Evangelicals are particularly scary for me). I don't understand the mega churches at all or the blinged out crucifixes some people wear (cuz you know that's what Jesus died for, so we could build gigantic churches and wear thousands of dollars in diamonds around our necks). Of course, keep in mind that this is all coming from someone who was raised in the Catholic church and still holds on to a few of those roots. I give something up for Lent every year (mostly out of the fear that my Grandma will somehow show up and go postal on me if I don't, but it still counts) and, I'm not sure where this comes from, but I can't eat those solid chocolate crosses they put out around Easter. (I don't know, it just seems wrong to eat the cross that someone allegedly died on for my sins). My real problem is how easily people seem to cast their beliefs aside whenever it suits them. A large part of the nation identify as Christians but we have a 50% divorce rate, many of those marriages ending because of infidelity. There are pastors, priests and reverends with sizeable flocks who come out against hot button issues like infidelity or homosexuality and later get caught in some sort of scandal involving one of those very issues. It seems like people re-write the 'laws' (for lack of a better word) of their religions whenever they need an out and I just don't understand the thinking behind that.
I think there's a difference between the religion and faith. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a god or gods, or a set of beliefs concerning the origin and purpose of the universe. Faith is defined as the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. So yes, they can obviously co-exist but they can also exist independent of one another. I've been told I have a tremendous amount of faith; faith that things will work themselves out, faith in the people I love, etc., and I think faith is extremely important in my everyday life. I don't tend to believe in things blindly and I ask a lot of questions. I also think faith and religion should be a very personal thing, which is probably why I don't understand people who try to convert others.
At the end of the day, it's all about what gives you some sense of inner peace. If the religion you were brought up with makes total sense to you and gives you answers, then good for you. I used to think I only went on my religion exploration binge because I needed answers in the aftermath of my loss and accident but I realize now that that's not entirely true. Nothing really gives you any solace in that situation. I think I would've questioned things even if none of that had ever happened because I'm just a curious soul in general. I still believe in some form of God but I'm not Catholic. In fact, I don't think I'm really anything religion-wise but the beliefs I do hold are working for me and helping me better myself. (And I've learned there is nothing that will drive you back to meditation than having a toddler cuz they be trying some days). My daughter is being raised within this belief system but she'll definitely be encouraged to find what works for her when she's old enough. And if she finds a religion that better suits her and converts to it, I'll support her all the way. My family tree is full of different religions anyway.
Anyway, the point is that reading about this quiz made me wonder what the world would be like if people were more accepting of things they didn't understand. What it would be like if people actually took the time to become informed about something instead of automatically going on the offensive and trying to change others point of view. Every time there's an upcoming election there are posters and websites telling you to be informed about who and what you're voting for, yet a lot of people never seek to be informed about the religion they've been raised with. Somehow it's assumed that if you ask any questions about what your religion teaches, you must be a non-believer. Why is it wrong to want to know about other people's beliefs? Why is it wrong to ask questions about what your religious guide says you're supposed to believe? I feel like if more people sought out this knowledge, there wouldn't be such an uproar about the Mosque in N.Y.C. But you can't make people learn about something they don't want to know about. You can't open the minds of people who have already long since closed them. And that's sad but that's the world we live in.

The Five/Ten/Fifteen Year Plan

A friend of mine wrote a blog about plans. You know, how you start out with 'I'll have kids by (insert age here)', I'll have a degree in whatever by (insert time here)'. For years I lived on a plan like that and now I can't understand why. When I was a kid I had it all worked out (don't we all at that age) that I'd be married and 'settled' (though I hate what that word implies) by the time I was 22 years old. When you're young you always think that things are gonna work out how you plan and in order, ie. your older siblings will have kids first, the youngest later, etc. But it rarely works out that way. My sister and brother both had their first children when they were 19 years old. I, the technical middle child, was well into my 20's before I had mine. My brother was the first one to get married and he may end up being the only one since my sister and I have no interest in taking such a walk.
I thought back today to when I was 22 years old. I was one year removed from my accident and from the loss of my first love, who was also the person I intended to marry and build a life with. I was confused and more than a little pissed off at the whole situation. I was chain-smoking girlfriends like you wouldn't believe because I didn't understand that the connection I had with her wasn't the kind that you come across everyday. And I wasn't really fit to commit anyway, but I'm very fortunate that I was able to salvage some friendships with the women I dated during that time. I was stalled in the anger phase of my grief for a long time.
I didn't think about what my new plan was until I became engaged in 2005. I went in wholeheartedly, intending to spend the rest of my life with this person. Unfortunately, I was the only one and I realized years later that I never should've proposed in the first place. For one, I wasn't ready and I also wasn't completely sure she was 'the one' for me. We had differences on whether we were going to have kids (I wanted them without question then, she didn't) and where we were gonna live (New York vs. L.A.). But I looked the other way about all that, especially the kids thing, because I needed something to cling to. I needed something, someone that was gonna be there for me forever. Looking back, I don't even think I was honestly in love with her. I think the worst thing about our end wasn't that she cheated but that I lost a friend that I thought would be there for the rest of my life. I lingered in the dark ages for a long time after that, I didn't bother to think of another new plan because I figured there was no point. None of my previous ones had ever come close to working out well anyway.
When I finally started to come out of my fog, I sat down and wrote out what my problem(s) were. They filled up an entire page. At the top of the list was that I ruined my relationships by hanging all of my hopes on each one. Then when it inevitably didn't work out, I was even more down than when I'd started the relationship and since I never worked on changing anything, the pattern would just repeat. It became a constant in my life, I was drawn to difficult relationships and I didn't really apply myself to any of them.
It was much harder than I thought to finally change my relationship patterns but I finally did and I realized that there really was no point in having a set long-term plan. I took it out of my hands and I let go and let the universe do whatever it was always meant to do with me. Becoming a parent has only validated this decision. Having my daughter has given me the stability I looked for for so long. Don't get me wrong, I'm not transferring all of my stuff on her at all. I just know now that plans are for suckers (in my opinion) and I feel like I'm better off with them. I find this is really coming in handy with an energetic toddler and her equally erratic mother. I don't need a plan anymore, what's gonna happen will happen in its own time and I need to learn to accept it. Take life as it comes and enjoy the ride. Because what's the point if you don't enjoy the ride, right?

Love Sucks (And Then You Die)

I feel...sick. I guess that would be the best way to describe it. I'm on the verge of having to cut someone I care about very much out of my life. I'm not sure how to do it. I'm not even sure it's the right move, honestly. But I don't know what else to do. It's my own fault for leaving things open. The entire situation is my fault, in a way. We wouldn't be here now if not for certain things that have happened in the past year. Things that are entirely my fault. And I take responsibility for them but I don't know if I can honestly say that I would change them if I could. My problem is that all of my faults are screaming at me in their loudest tones and they all want something different. But I don't think it's about what I want anymore. It's about what I need. One of my friends told me that I have 'the biggest b*tch of a time letting people go' and they are absolutely right. Things are meaningless in the big picture but people can be irreplaceable. Another large part of this is that I'm too hard on myself, I always have been, but I thought I had reeled that in in the last few months. Of course it all come back to bite me in the ass, why wouldn't it, right? I'm stubborn and I'm restless and I'm starting to grow more than a little indecisive. And that pisses me off some because I used to be so...black and white. You love me or you don't. You're here or you're not. But this person and I have lingered in this giant grey area for...well I guess for years now. And I'm starting to see why it's a bad area to be in. I've been in this kind of relationship before but I was young and naive and there were fewer variables involved. Things are different now; I'm a father and I'm...screwed. Making this even worse (potentially) is that my child ADORES this person. And there's no way to separate our lives yet still have her in my daughter's life. I've thought about ending this ten thousand times before but I can never get up the nerve to just say it and be done with it. And as much as it is killing me to hold on to it...I still can't say that I believe 100% that ending the entire relationship is the right decision. How sick is that?? I've been burned and burned badly by people that I've let in the way that I let this person in. And they haven't burned me AT ALL. They've been there through so much and we've experienced so much together. We've come a long way. But am I stuck in something that was never meant to be in the first place? I mean, if it were truly meant to be what we thought it was, wouldn't it have worked itself out already? Chance after chance and we're still stuck in the cycle. You're not happy, I'm not happy and yet we can't just end it. Dead and buried; that's what this should've been so many times already but it's not. And it was there, it was over and we were out of each other's lives but still ended up being thrown together again. The same friend who told me I can't let go of stuff also had this to say about my situation, 'It's like puzzle pieces that look like they fit, so you try one angle to make them fit...then another and another...until you realize that they weren't the right piece after all and keep looking.' And I can relate to that on so many levels. On one hand I'm so tired of looking and yes, I feel cheated because I had my perfect piece and she was taken away. On the other hand I know that I'm not owed anything and I may not even deserve what I'm asking for but...*sigh* Why is it so hard for me to just do this?? Man up and put an end to it and convince myself that I'll be better off. But I don't know that I would be better off. Or maybe I don't wanna believe that I really will be better off. (Yes, I know this is all random banter and probably makes no sense at all and that I sound a bit like a schizophrenic with all the back and forth but this is how I work through things). People come into your life for a reason. I truly believe that. They come into your life and they teach you something or help you or whatever their purpose is. And when the reason for them being in your life is done, they go. But, using that logic, it seems like this person should...you know, go now if we're meant to be done. I shouldn't have to force them out the door. And that sounds harsh because they've been nothing but good to me and here I am trying to figure out how to put them out of my life. Here I am learning that just because someone's good to you, it doesn't make them good for you. And that majorly sucks. The irony of all of this is that I'm (supposedly) the go to guy for advice in my circle. Other people's problems I can help solve. I...am my own worst enemy when it comes to solving my own problems. I'm my own worst enemy in a lot of respects sometimes when old habits come back to haunt me. Nothing can ever be simple, can it? Especially when it comes to feelings. I don't know what irks me more; having to let go of this person or the fact that I can't seem to let go of anything. That's something to explore further, for sure. But for now...I need to do something, make a decision and stop worrying that it's gonna be the wrong decision. I'm not afraid of being wrong (I'm a man, we're wrong 90% of the time anyway), I'm afraid of burning a bridge that I can't rebuild. I had a dream the other night...not sure it's at all related to this but I was in the backyard (not sure whose) and there was this huge...like, fireball that started coming from the sky. And I could actually feel the flames as the thing landed. It was hot and it was a horrible feeling but not a painful one. And after it hit, the dream would just rewind over and over again and I would experience the same thing. I couldn't wake up either. I finally woke up, three in the morning with a cold sweat (which was actually nice given the heat I'd just experienced), and I just laidthere and stared at the ceiling. And I couldn't help but think that the way that dream kept rewinding was exactly how I go over things repeatedly in my head. Not simple, stupid little things but things that I should know the answer to but don't. Then I get upset with myself for not knowing. Vicious cycle, I know, but I can't seem to change it (though I am trying). This has spiraled into a a true conversation with myself and, wouldn't ya know, I have not found any clarity after this convo (good thing I'm not the one I go to for advice, huh?). I want the words to explain how I feel, just so I know myself, but I can't seem to find them. So I guess I'll (try) to sleep on it and see if I feel any closer to a conclusion in the morning. And if I don't, you can expect another long, rambling, incoherent blog (oh calm down, no one's forcing you to read it).

All My Secrets Away...

I was having a conversation about secrets with my friends about four months ago. One of them said, 'Liberate yourself from your secrets,' and it has stuck with me ever since. (I later found out he got this wise comment from a chocolate candy wrapper, but I like it anyway). Back during what I now refer to as my dark ages, I kept a lot of secrets and I kept them very well, but since I've gotten my life back on track I've decided to stay away from secrets (as much as possible). Nothing good usually comes from them, I think honesty is always best and it's rare that you can be completely honest when keeping a secret.
The topic of secrets has come up because my little brother has finally emerged from his almost year and a half long odyssey that was brought on by the death of the father we never knew. His childhood sweetheart and mother of his two children finally pulled the trigger on their divorce and that seems to have snapped him out of his haze. I'm happy he's coming around and I hope they can repair their relationship. But there is one more hurdle that's been thrown into the mix and that is the fact that my brother has decided to liberate himself from his secrets. The biggest one is that he had tracked down our father and was planning to contact him in June of last year (which was about a week before his death). He picked up the phone several times but never dialed the numbers to talk to him. Then we found out about his death. This revelation explains a hell of a lot about his self-imposed exile, but it also opens up a whole new can of worms.
Since he never got to know his birth mother, I completely understand his need to reach out to our father. What I don't get is why he also felt the need to keep it a secret, even from his wife who is/was his best friend. He knew how my sister and I felt about our father, we never gave him much thought until we heard about his death. Neither of us ever felt the need to reach out to him or know anything about his life and we still don't, really. But if he had come to us at the time and talked about it we probably would have been open to explore it. And I know his wife would have been 100% on board with his decision and would have gone with him to meet the guy. And then maybe some stuff could've been resolved between them and we all could've avoided these last 15 months of uncertainty and fighting. So instead of just saying something, he internalized and this mess is the result.
I love him and I'm glad he's coming out of the fog. But it kinda sucks to know that this all probably coulda been avoided. I just hope he learns from it and realizes that he's lucky; he has a family who would support him through anything (like what we just went through) and who love him no matter what. It just bothers me that he didn't realize there was no need to keep this from anyone, that he didn't think his siblings, of all people, would understand. I've never thought of him as my half-brother because it doesn't matter to me, family is family. But I think that's part of what played into all this, he somehow felt neither of us would understand because we're not in his exact position. That's unfortunate. Hopefully things work out for him and his wife and kids.