A friend of mine wrote a blog about plans. You know, how you start out with 'I'll have kids by (insert age here)', I'll have a degree in whatever by (insert time here)'. For years I lived on a plan like that and now I can't understand why. When I was a kid I had it all worked out (don't we all at that age) that I'd be married and 'settled' (though I hate what that word implies) by the time I was 22 years old. When you're young you always think that things are gonna work out how you plan and in order, ie. your older siblings will have kids first, the youngest later, etc. But it rarely works out that way. My sister and brother both had their first children when they were 19 years old. I, the technical middle child, was well into my 20's before I had mine. My brother was the first one to get married and he may end up being the only one since my sister and I have no interest in taking such a walk.
I thought back today to when I was 22 years old. I was one year removed from my accident and from the loss of my first love, who was also the person I intended to marry and build a life with. I was confused and more than a little pissed off at the whole situation. I was chain-smoking girlfriends like you wouldn't believe because I didn't understand that the connection I had with her wasn't the kind that you come across everyday. And I wasn't really fit to commit anyway, but I'm very fortunate that I was able to salvage some friendships with the women I dated during that time. I was stalled in the anger phase of my grief for a long time.
I didn't think about what my new plan was until I became engaged in 2005. I went in wholeheartedly, intending to spend the rest of my life with this person. Unfortunately, I was the only one and I realized years later that I never should've proposed in the first place. For one, I wasn't ready and I also wasn't completely sure she was 'the one' for me. We had differences on whether we were going to have kids (I wanted them without question then, she didn't) and where we were gonna live (New York vs. L.A.). But I looked the other way about all that, especially the kids thing, because I needed something to cling to. I needed something, someone that was gonna be there for me forever. Looking back, I don't even think I was honestly in love with her. I think the worst thing about our end wasn't that she cheated but that I lost a friend that I thought would be there for the rest of my life. I lingered in the dark ages for a long time after that, I didn't bother to think of another new plan because I figured there was no point. None of my previous ones had ever come close to working out well anyway.
When I finally started to come out of my fog, I sat down and wrote out what my problem(s) were. They filled up an entire page. At the top of the list was that I ruined my relationships by hanging all of my hopes on each one. Then when it inevitably didn't work out, I was even more down than when I'd started the relationship and since I never worked on changing anything, the pattern would just repeat. It became a constant in my life, I was drawn to difficult relationships and I didn't really apply myself to any of them.
It was much harder than I thought to finally change my relationship patterns but I finally did and I realized that there really was no point in having a set long-term plan. I took it out of my hands and I let go and let the universe do whatever it was always meant to do with me. Becoming a parent has only validated this decision. Having my daughter has given me the stability I looked for for so long. Don't get me wrong, I'm not transferring all of my stuff on her at all. I just know now that plans are for suckers (in my opinion) and I feel like I'm better off with them. I find this is really coming in handy with an energetic toddler and her equally erratic mother. I don't need a plan anymore, what's gonna happen will happen in its own time and I need to learn to accept it. Take life as it comes and enjoy the ride. Because what's the point if you don't enjoy the ride, right?
