Love Sucks (And Then You Die)

I feel...sick. I guess that would be the best way to describe it. I'm on the verge of having to cut someone I care about very much out of my life. I'm not sure how to do it. I'm not even sure it's the right move, honestly. But I don't know what else to do. It's my own fault for leaving things open. The entire situation is my fault, in a way. We wouldn't be here now if not for certain things that have happened in the past year. Things that are entirely my fault. And I take responsibility for them but I don't know if I can honestly say that I would change them if I could. My problem is that all of my faults are screaming at me in their loudest tones and they all want something different. But I don't think it's about what I want anymore. It's about what I need. One of my friends told me that I have 'the biggest b*tch of a time letting people go' and they are absolutely right. Things are meaningless in the big picture but people can be irreplaceable. Another large part of this is that I'm too hard on myself, I always have been, but I thought I had reeled that in in the last few months. Of course it all come back to bite me in the ass, why wouldn't it, right? I'm stubborn and I'm restless and I'm starting to grow more than a little indecisive. And that pisses me off some because I used to be so...black and white. You love me or you don't. You're here or you're not. But this person and I have lingered in this giant grey area for...well I guess for years now. And I'm starting to see why it's a bad area to be in. I've been in this kind of relationship before but I was young and naive and there were fewer variables involved. Things are different now; I'm a father and I'm...screwed. Making this even worse (potentially) is that my child ADORES this person. And there's no way to separate our lives yet still have her in my daughter's life. I've thought about ending this ten thousand times before but I can never get up the nerve to just say it and be done with it. And as much as it is killing me to hold on to it...I still can't say that I believe 100% that ending the entire relationship is the right decision. How sick is that?? I've been burned and burned badly by people that I've let in the way that I let this person in. And they haven't burned me AT ALL. They've been there through so much and we've experienced so much together. We've come a long way. But am I stuck in something that was never meant to be in the first place? I mean, if it were truly meant to be what we thought it was, wouldn't it have worked itself out already? Chance after chance and we're still stuck in the cycle. You're not happy, I'm not happy and yet we can't just end it. Dead and buried; that's what this should've been so many times already but it's not. And it was there, it was over and we were out of each other's lives but still ended up being thrown together again. The same friend who told me I can't let go of stuff also had this to say about my situation, 'It's like puzzle pieces that look like they fit, so you try one angle to make them fit...then another and another...until you realize that they weren't the right piece after all and keep looking.' And I can relate to that on so many levels. On one hand I'm so tired of looking and yes, I feel cheated because I had my perfect piece and she was taken away. On the other hand I know that I'm not owed anything and I may not even deserve what I'm asking for but...*sigh* Why is it so hard for me to just do this?? Man up and put an end to it and convince myself that I'll be better off. But I don't know that I would be better off. Or maybe I don't wanna believe that I really will be better off. (Yes, I know this is all random banter and probably makes no sense at all and that I sound a bit like a schizophrenic with all the back and forth but this is how I work through things). People come into your life for a reason. I truly believe that. They come into your life and they teach you something or help you or whatever their purpose is. And when the reason for them being in your life is done, they go. But, using that logic, it seems like this person should...you know, go now if we're meant to be done. I shouldn't have to force them out the door. And that sounds harsh because they've been nothing but good to me and here I am trying to figure out how to put them out of my life. Here I am learning that just because someone's good to you, it doesn't make them good for you. And that majorly sucks. The irony of all of this is that I'm (supposedly) the go to guy for advice in my circle. Other people's problems I can help solve. I...am my own worst enemy when it comes to solving my own problems. I'm my own worst enemy in a lot of respects sometimes when old habits come back to haunt me. Nothing can ever be simple, can it? Especially when it comes to feelings. I don't know what irks me more; having to let go of this person or the fact that I can't seem to let go of anything. That's something to explore further, for sure. But for now...I need to do something, make a decision and stop worrying that it's gonna be the wrong decision. I'm not afraid of being wrong (I'm a man, we're wrong 90% of the time anyway), I'm afraid of burning a bridge that I can't rebuild. I had a dream the other night...not sure it's at all related to this but I was in the backyard (not sure whose) and there was this huge...like, fireball that started coming from the sky. And I could actually feel the flames as the thing landed. It was hot and it was a horrible feeling but not a painful one. And after it hit, the dream would just rewind over and over again and I would experience the same thing. I couldn't wake up either. I finally woke up, three in the morning with a cold sweat (which was actually nice given the heat I'd just experienced), and I just laidthere and stared at the ceiling. And I couldn't help but think that the way that dream kept rewinding was exactly how I go over things repeatedly in my head. Not simple, stupid little things but things that I should know the answer to but don't. Then I get upset with myself for not knowing. Vicious cycle, I know, but I can't seem to change it (though I am trying). This has spiraled into a a true conversation with myself and, wouldn't ya know, I have not found any clarity after this convo (good thing I'm not the one I go to for advice, huh?). I want the words to explain how I feel, just so I know myself, but I can't seem to find them. So I guess I'll (try) to sleep on it and see if I feel any closer to a conclusion in the morning. And if I don't, you can expect another long, rambling, incoherent blog (oh calm down, no one's forcing you to read it).