Dear Groomzilla,
I love you, I really do. We've known each other since we were five years old, when my mom caught you peeking though the fence and invited you over to a BBQ our family was having. You taught me English and I taught you Spanish. We've been through so much together. As we grew into adults, I watched you almost succumb to your demons. I nearly broke down your door to force you to face those demons. I drove you to rehab after you hit bottom and I proudly looked on as you put your life back together. I was there when you met the love of your life and I was the one to call you an idiot every time you nearly lost her. And in six months I will be the one at your side as best man when you (finally) marry her.
Now that I have reminded you of our wild ride, let me get to what this open letter is really about. Consider this a groomzilla intervention. I find it amusing that your future wife has been waiting to plan this wedding for seven years, yet you're the one who seems to have completely taken it over. One word dude - BREATHE. It is one day out of (hopefully) a million that you two will get to spend together. Every little detail does not have to be perfect. Ten years down the line everything that went wrong will be a funny story you pass along to the kids so is it really worth it to get all worked up if something isn't "perfect"? (I put it in quotes because I don't think perfection exists). So, following the logic that there is no such thing as perfect, don't call me to ask if/when I'm gonna get my suit. I'll get it on time. Stop badgering me about my speech. I'm gonna write what I'm gonna write, when I'm gonna write it (and the more you pester me about it, the more likely I am to write in some embarrassing childhood stories). Don't drag me along to help you with boring ass stuff like picking out invites (seriously? You couldn't bring me along to something fun, like say, a cake tasting?). I'll say it one more time - BREATHE.
Two more things before I go - One: You are driving me nuts so take a chill pill dude. And two: Just relax and enjoy the journey to and the big day itself. It'll work out the way it's meant to. You only get married once. Well...actually some people get married like seven times (you'd think they'd learn after the first six divorces, right?). Then there are those who never get married (I like to call us the smart ones ;p). Anyway, in closing, you just need to back the hell off of everyone's case on this wedding prep stuff. Thank you for your time.
Love, Me
