I watch a lot of documentaries, especially the mini one-hour ones on TLC, National Geographic, Discovery, BBC, etc. I'm fascinated by human behavior for some reason. A few nights ago I watched a documentary about four couples who were in romantic relationships with a significant age difference. All but one of the couples were older women and younger men, most of them with about a 16 year age difference. The one thing that stuck out to me is that every single one of them seemed to feel very self-conscious about being out in public together. They seemed to feel like everyone was staring or that everyone knew of the age difference and was passing judgement on them. (You could totally tell that two of the couples did have a large age gap just by looking at them though, one guy was married to a chick old enough to be his grandmother - EW). Basically the hour chronicled why they were drawn to each other, what kept them together and how it affected their families.
It kinda got under my skin a little bit to watch this show and I couldn't figure out why until it hit me this morning - I was once a boy toy. Not the fun, friends with benefits kind (although I've been that too) but the kind who always dates older and doesn't care what other people think about it. Maybe it's hardwired into me somehow. My first girlfriend was older than me by three days, the one after her was older by six years (oh yeah, and I was 17 when we dated so do the math to find her age). In my early and mid-20's I dated a string of women who were between 8 and 15 years older than me. Obviously, a large part of it was about sex but not all of it was. I had genuine connections with a few and even a serious romance with one of them (resulting years later in our daughter). I liked dating women who were older than me because there was less drama about minor crap and because they usually knew what they wanted. But it was more than that for me. Those relationships provided a certain kind of escapism that I needed to avoid dealing with my own demons. I knew there was little to no chance of any of them going anywhere significant so I got into a routine of enjoying the ride and bracing for the end of the affair.
Five years ago dating someone eight years older meant that I was 24 and she was 32. Now it means that I'm 29 and she's 37, which is still alright but I find myself a little more self-conscious now about dating someone in their 40's than I was back then. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's that whole 'ignorance is bliss' mentality. Or maybe it's something weirder...like maturity. Maybe it's realizing that being a boy toy (hate that term, accurate as it is/was) isn't for me anymore, either in a friends with benefits way or otherwise. I spent a fair amount of my twenties leaping before I looked, which was a blessing and a curse, but now it's like I have way to much to risk to continue in that mentality. But that is still very much a part of personality so it's not like I can just turn it off. It's weird how much my preferences seem to have changed in the last five years. And they've changed radically in the past year. Yep...I think it might be that whole growing up thing.
