Recently, I had a run in (literally) with the mother of my child's boy toy. I can't go into detail but it was ugly and fortunately it did not happen in front of our child. Yesterday a friend asked me how I would react if this boy toy and my ex were to actually get married, since they're supposedly engaged. That doesn't seem like a real possibility anymore but I've still been considering the question. If that were to happen, this dude would be my daughter's step-father (shudder). But really, any guy she commits to long-term would be considered a step-father. Just like any woman I decide to spend my life with would be my daughter's step-mother. But I hate the connotation "step-parent" has. It's definitely changed since the old days but it still tends to bring a pretty negative feeling. All it really is, if you're lucky, is a bonus parent. I never had a step-parent so I have no idea how to help my daughter through that future transition. So my examples are friends and family who have been through that.
In this corner is one of my ex-girlfriends, who is the youngest of seven kids. Her four oldest siblings were from her dad's first marriage, so her mom became their step-mother. Her parents had three kids together and they were on very good terms with their fathers' first wife. Literally one big happy family. What I loved about this family was that they didn't know the words "step" or "half". There was no need for them, they were all just family. They've taken quite a few hits over the years; dad's first wife passed away and her oldest son followed last year, but they've stuck together through it all. Dad married again last month and the family gained another mom and two step-siblings. Obviously the situation is different since all the kids are grown now. But this is the situation I hope to someday end up in with my girl. (Okay, maybe without all the marriage and with FAR fewer kids).
In this corner is my uncle and his wife of 25 years and their two children. He brought a daughter into the marriage, she brought a son. His daughter lived with her mother and visited on weekends, her son lived with them and rarely saw his father. My uncle has always treated her son as if he were his own, but they've never really able to bond the way I think my uncle had hoped they would. My aunt's relationship with her step-daughter has always been very strained. I don't think she ever fully accepted her. It wasn't that ideal scenario of her falling in love with both him and the kid, it was more like she fell for him and tolerated that he had a kid. Of course this cause friction and both of my cousins have suffered because of it. One has been in and out of rehab and is the single mother of two kids, the other is a soon-to-be single father who always seems to gravitate towards the wrong kind of chick.
That second scenario is one that will never happen to me. I'm not gonna end up with anyone who doesn't treat my kid like their own. The reverse is also true if I end up with someone who has a kid, I would treat that kid as my own. Some things are beyond your control but I firmly believe that my aunt and uncle's situation could've been very different. It comes down to what you'll accept for your kids and my kid deserves the best of everything, including family. She has it pretty darn good now in terms of family, so anyone who comes along would have to fit into that madness. But I also have to remember that if/when the mother of my child finally does decide to settle down with one dude for the long haul (hopefully not her current dude), I need to do my best to accept that dude whether I like him or not. If they decide to make a go of it, he'll be my daughter's step-dad. And I hope he loves her as if she were his own because that's what's best for her.
