I Don't Wanna Be There When She Just Breaks Down

Years and years ago, a wise little lady who has inexplicably put up with me for a very long time gave me advice that has never left my mind. I was agonizing over whether or not to to leave a bad relationship and her advice to me was that sometimes you just have to pick up your marbles and go home. I took that advice and left the relationship and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. To this day, when I'm on the fence about something the first thought that comes to my mind is, 'What are the consequences of picking up my marbles and going home?'. It's become that much of a beacon for me in times of trouble.

Two nights ago I was in a terrible mood. My day had been trying and I was tired and just wanted to not talk to anyone or deal with anything. Enter the person from my last post, who has always had impeccable timing. I decided to talk to her and my mind immediately went to asking her why she'd decided to come back into my life. Given my mood, I didn't exactly ask this in a calm tone and she got offended and I got pissed off by her response and ended the conversation. Then I started thinking about what she said her reason was for getting back in contact with me - that she realized she missed having me in her life and was curious if I felt similarly. And the honest answer is no. I thought long and hard about what was best for both of us before I picked up my marbles and went home. I haven't thought about her much since that decision was made. I don't like what opening this door might lead to. So I've decided it's best not to even go there. And I feel very at peace with that decision.

One Minute You're In Love, The Next You're Leaving

Someone I once had a very serious relationship with has unexpectedly appeared in my life again. At first, I thought it was a one time thing and no big deal. I thought she'd reached out cuz she heard something about me and wanted to make sure I was okay. That's apparently not the case. I've mentioned this person many times before, most recently I wrote about my having heard about her getting married. That isn't totally accurate in that she didn't exactly announce she was married, I heard it from her mom who heard it from her sister and it turned out to be one big misunderstanding. Or her sister's wishful thinking. No matter how the confusion came about, I was very surprised to hear from her since I was under the impression she was married. But she explained the dude she was dating was all about getting married and having babies and she wasn't ready for that so she ended the relationship. Now that sounds more like her M.O.

Our conversation was fairly brief but was left open ended, as was the convo we had the day after. I'm not sure what to say or do now though. Most everyone I know is telling me I need to get clarification about what her intentions are before I make a decision to pursue this or not. And that's not really the right turn of phrase cuz there's nothing to pursue here in my mind. But the point of my friends' advice is that there's a reason she's suddenly come back into my life and I have a right to know what it is. So why am I being such a chicken about asking? I've had the chance twice and passed it up both times. And I don't understand it because this person was someone I shared a lot with and loved very much. But now I feel almost uncomfortable talking to her. It's a very weird feeling. The nature of our relationship was very revolving door; I was all in from the beginning but she always had doubts and would put us down and pick us back up again when it suited her. But last year we broke things off for good. Or so I thought.

Father's Day

Honestly, even now that I have a child, this day doesn't hold much feeling for me. We never really celebrated it as kids cuz our father wasn't around. We'd wish uncles and grandpa Happy Father's Day but it wasn't a big deal. Even now that I am a father, this day still isn't a big deal. I had trouble sleeping last night but eventually passed out and woke up early this morning thinking about the father-related situations some of my friends find themselves in today. Two of my friends lost their fathers when they were kids and both have mentioned feeling a kind of sadness and emptiness about having never gotten the chance to know the men who helped give them life. Another friend never got to know her birth father (not by her own choice) and is visiting with him the next few weekends. She's understandably dealing with a number of conflicting emotions. I don't know which of those scenarios is more difficult to deal with.

One of my best friends has been estranged from his father since he was 5-years-old. His parents divorced and his dad just walked out the door and never came back and I know it affected him very deeply. He came into some money years ago and his dad came around looking to share in the wealth. He was thrilled that his dad wanted back into his life and they got to know each other for a few months until dad suddenly stopped returning his phone calls. It turned out he was only around to get some cash and never wanted an actual relationship with his son. This incident contributed my friend ending up in rehab a few years later. I don't know how you get over that kind of rejection. I never sought out my father, maybe partly because I didn't want to be rejected myself (not saying that would've happened, but you never know). I guess it's good he got to see the dude's true colors though.

I didn't realize until someone mentioned to me today that Father's Day is kinda weird in that it's more on the hush than Mother's Day. Everyone tells you to call your mom, get your mom a gift, tell her how much you appreciate her, etc. when May rolls around. But with fathers, it's a little more tricky. Everyone's situation is different when it comes to their father so it seems like fewer people say anything because they don't want to offend. And it makes sense and I'm definitely one of those who appreciates that. I've never thought about my father on this day. Ever. I don't know what that means but it feels like it should be significant.

Senseless.

I love my brother. I say that not to emphasize it to you, the reader, but rather to remind myself. I'm starting to believe this entire situation with him is an exercise in patience. At least, I hope there's a reason for all this drama. I wrote about a week ago that my sister-in-law is on the brink of pulling the trigger on ending their marriage, but that she had yet to share this decision with many people. She wanted to be sure and she wanted to wait until a certain point in the year to file (this has everything to do with his job). I'm not sure exactly how many people she told but one of them has a big mouth because my brother found out about her plan and has started lashing out big time. I don't know if it's because he genuinely wants to fix things (which they've tried twice already) or because he just wants to be an ass but it's getting a little scary. He's not threatening them or himself in any way. He's blaming everyone but himself for the situation he now finds himself in.
It was suggested I should be the one to try and talk him down today, make him realize that all he has to do is actually show some effort and she'll probably put the brakes on the divorce stuff. But our talk didn't go well. At. All. Rather than hear me out, he went on a rant about me being the cause of all his troubles. How, you ask? Hell, if I know. I let him vent, hoping it would prompt an epiphany or maybe he'd even just punch me and that would be enough to get out his frustrations and he'd move on. I know I wanted to hit him (on many occasions over the past year, actually). But nobody hit anybody and I'm still not sure that wouldn't have been more helpful that what did go down. He went on and on about how he's never been able to be out of my shadow and that it's my fault he's not close to his kids, how I've tried to steal his life and so on. It was ridiculous. Yes, he's the younger sibling but he has never been in my shadow. I have no idea where that came from. I know he's not close to his kids but that has nothing to do with me. His son, for reasons I will never understand, still worships the ground he walks on but gets very little in return. I'm not sure his daughter even knows who he is, he's been absent most of her life. If he wants to have relationships with them, HE needs to be the one to reach out and commit. I'm a decent consolation prize for his kids but I'm not their father and I can't imagine how it feels to have your father be around but not be present.
*sigh* I would clock him in a second if I knew it would fix everything. I don't know what will fix anything at this point. Last year he said he wanted to fix stuff and he committed for about 5 minutes before losing interest. It's almost as if he expects the world to wait on him. Like he thinks he can put down his marriage and family and pick them back up whenever it suits him. Everybody's attempted to talk sense into him, he avoids the speeches and throws himself into his work and ignores everybody. And honestly, his job is a large part of the problem. If you're never home, you can't work on your marriage. He left his last job swearing he was gonna work less, even take a year off, so they could start repairing their life together. That fell by the wayside and now here we are. And it really is ALL of us now since we're helping my sister-in-law with the kids. I'm at the point now where I have nothing else to say to him about it because I'm tired of repeating myself, especially when I know he's not listening anyway.
In this corner <--- is my savior complex (not nearly as bad as it used to be) wanting to find some way, any way, to bail him out and make everything better. In this corner ---> is the realist in me, knowing there is nothing else I can do. He has to make the effort and, if things keep going the way they are, she has to file to end it and do what's best for her and the kids. And the scrapper in me just wants to find a gym, grab some boxing gloves and suggest we beat each other senseless so we both get all our frustrations out. And still another part of me thinks he can talk sense into him. Which makes no sense.

From Bad To Worse To...I Don't Even Wanna Know

It has been a rough 48 hours and I'm not really sure how to react to everything going on. And even worse, I have no idea how to articulate how I feel right now. *sigh* When it rains, it pours I guess...

But Heroes Often Fail...

I've had a lot on my mind the past say or so and never was that more apparent than yesterday, when I had trouble focusing on conversations I was having. I was tuned out, I was cold and I should've put out a disclaimer about my mood (sorry ya'll). My daughter is on her camping trip with her mother and, while I miss her terribly, I realized this morning that that's not what's been bothering me. I was talking to my mom and she voiced concerns over my drinking lately. I've had at least one drink (and often more) every night for ten days. Not quite excessive but I understand her concern given my history. I told her it was no big deal and she asked what was bothering me. I mentioned missing my daughter and she repeated her original question to me. And the answer is that it's my brothers situation that's bothering me. More than I thought possible. After I told my mom this, she reminded me of several instances in our childhood where I swooped in and saved my brother from whatever trouble he'd landed himself in. He idolized me growing up and I was very protective of him. But my mom also reminded me today that, while he stopped idolizing me a long time ago, I've never stopped trying to save him.
It's not so much my fall from grace in my brother's eyes that gets to me, we've been growing apart for years. It's more the fact that I've always been proud of my ability to love unconditionally, but I'm finding it difficult to do that with him of late. This is the first time in my life that somebody I love has tested me in this way. And that's scary for me. Don't get me wrong, I do still love him and would do anything for him. But it bugs the hell out of me that I can't fix things this time. I can't make him realize what huge mistakes he's making. And it's hard to love someone in that situation. I can't even describe the mix of emotions that run through me when I think about him. I know he has to want to change and I know the only thing I can do is be there for him. But that's been difficult for me. And in the past when things have gotten difficult, I've gone numb. Or at least found ways to make myself numb. Maybe internalizing this has been why I've been drinking so much lately. I don't know. I just don't like feeling the way I do right now, though I'm better today than I was yesterday. So I guess that's something.

So Wrong It's...Really Just Not A Very Good Idea At All

I got a text yesterday from a friend saying I needed to talk to her down from making a potentially bad decision. The dilemma being that she's in a...drought, of sorts, and was considering turning towards someone she'd rebounded with after her last serious relationship. She was in that limbo of remembering how things were between them and being ridiculously tempted to just take a small step in his direction and see if he took it the rest of the way. We talked about it, she laid out that he was completely her type but that she couldn't see them doing anything other than hooking up for a number of reasons. So I told her she shouldn't open that door unless she's ready for the fallout, whatever that may be. Stuff like this has a way of coming back to kick your ass in ways you never imagined it could. And she decided it wasn't worth it and deleted all his info so she wouldn't be tempted again.
Of course, I've been there (big shock, right?) but not in the same way as her. In my early-20's I had what I'm sure was an affair with an acquaintance. I knew she had a fiance but she insisted they were "on pause" and we weren't doing anything wrong. My gut told me something else but I was in such a bad place that I didn't ask questions. The chemistry was insane, all sexual but still like nothing I'd felt before (at that point). Then I had a moment of clarity and ended it. But every bad day I had for the next month made me wanna call her so I could just forget about what was going on in my life. But I never actually did. Sometimes everything in you is screaming that something is a terrible idea but it's hard to listen. Human nature, I guess. You always want what you can't have. But it's liberating to resist and realize you made the right decision.

What About Paul?

Have you ever had someone in your life you felt overwhelmingly thankful to have found? Like the stars aligned at the right moment to bring you into each other's lives. Or like you were always meant to meet and the universe was just waiting for the right time to throw you together. I'm blessed to have more than a few of those people in my life. But one in particular sticks out right now. We entertain each other in the most ridiculous ways and we're easily distracted. One of us makes a smartass comment, the other ones builds on it and before you know it we've invented an entire corporation that serves absolutely no purpose for society. We've come up with so many ideas, often while we should be doing other, more productive things. We talk all the time about how we should have our own radio show or youtube channel or something to share our brilliance with the world. It really is amazing how much brain power two people can devote to things that don't matter. It's scary how similarly our brains function. Often, one of us sets up a one-liner knowing the other will finish it. Will we ever get our own youtube channel? Probably not. Will we get our own radio show? Doubt it. But none of that matters. We make each other laugh and we make each other think and we take each other to task when we need it. And we go to each other for advice. We don't always take that advice, but ask for it nonetheless. I can't even count the number of inside we jokes we have now. 90% of our conversations are about things nobody else knows about. And that only entertains us more.

Wishing It Weren't So

When I was about 10 years old I started spending my summers at my surrogate grandmother's house. She lived in the tiniest house I've ever seen in my life. It was one bedroom, one tiny bathroom, a kitchen, a very narrow living room and fairly big back and front yards. Also living there were her boyfriend and her daughter and her four kids. It was very cramped quarters to begin with, then you add in my sister, brother and I and it becomes a full-on circus. But it was fun. Those were probably the best summers of my life. But even as a kid I wasn't blind to the fact that it was a dysfunctional environment. SG and her boy toy rarely spoke unless they were fighting, her daughter was a recovering addict trying to raise four kids on her own (their father was in jail more often than not) and she eventually ended up dating a bastard who liked to smack her and the kids around. All of this was known but not really talked about by anybody and honestly I tuned most of it out and just concentrated on enjoying my days hanging out with the sibs and cousins.
"The kids," as we all refer to them, were an eclectic mix who had never had it easy in life. The two oldest had spent time in foster care where they were abused and the next in line was born addicted to cocaine. The youngest one was incredibly smart and was the only one of the bunch to not go through any really bad trauma as a kid. He and my sister bonded immediately, he was just a baby when we came back into the family fold. She taught him his ABC's and colors and they were so close that he became known as her "son". The second youngest was also very smart and she and I had a great relationship. She was like my shadow. There wasn't much money to go around so my mom would make plans to take them out with us to the zoo or the museum and they were always so excited about that. My sister and I used to talk about how awesome it would be to see what they'd all be like when they got older. We knew the odds were kinda stacked against them but you never know what you'll end up being when you grow up.
My mom and sibs moved across the state when we were teenagers and we kept in touch with everyone but didn't see or talk to the kids as much. Eventually they moved to another state with their mother, to live with one of her sisters and we drifted apart completely. I kept in touch with SG and always asked about the kids and they seemed to be flourishing in their new environment. But about four years ago I found out that my former shadow, then 14, was pregnant and my heart literally broke. Shortly after that SG passed away and we stopped getting updates on the family until the kids' mother died unexpectedly last Christmas Eve. Suddenly all the skeletons came flying out of the closet; the oldest (22) is having "minor" drug problems, the second oldest (20) already has three kids by three different women and the youngest two were still underage (17 and 14) and where they would end up was anybody's guess. Out of curiosity my sister looked up all four to see if any of them were on FB and found my former shadow's profile. It wasn't good but it also wasn't surprising. I haven't looked at it cuz I don't want to see it.
It just sucks that things have turned out the way they have when all of them had such promise. But that's the thing, you can show all the promise in the world but if you don't want to apply yourself, you're never gonna get where you wanna be. And obviously I don't know if that's the case with them, from what I hear my shadow was pulling down straight A's until she got knocked up, but knowing them the way I do I think it's a fair assumption. And it just makes me sad. And a little upset cuz I feel like I should've done more, although I don't know what I could've done.

The Deep And Dying Breath

I remember the first time I met my future sister-in-law. She was 10 years old, I was 11 and we clicked almost immediately. To this day, I have never heard anybody with a warmer or more infectious laugh. She and my brother clicked even better and were inseperable during middle school and began dating when they were 15. They both got college scholarships and they were very happy together when they graduated high school. Then, at 19, she came to me and said she was pregnant and I was livid. They both had all these plans and things they were gonna do and now it seemed like they were never gonna happen. Both of them were at a loss for how they were gonna handle a baby and go to school. The three of us and my best friend ended up living together once the baby was born and I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. But all wasn't as it should be. From the moment my nephew was born, I could sense my brother...almost tuning out in some way or another to his new family. He was there and I knew he loved his son but he was still very wrapped up in himself. I tried to talk to him about it, he never wanted to say what was up. His future Mrs., however, took to motherhood effortlessly, not that I ever doubted she would. I'm still amazed at the balance she was able to strike between her son, her career and school. Flash forward to 2006 when the he proposes to her and they start planning their wedding. They were about a year out of college and married a year after that. Everything was great, they seemed very happy. Although it's hard to gauge how happy you can be if you're not together very much because of work. By this time, my nephew had bonded more with me than with his own father because he'd been around me more. I know this irked my brother but I also knew he always could've made the effort to be closer to his kid. Instead, he focused more on his career and he and the Mrs. started fighting a lot about his being absent, but they always made up.
But then our father died in 2009 and my brother went completely off the rails. At first everyone got his needing to have some space because he was technically an orphan now but this period lasted much longer than it should've. When it lasted too long, my sister-in-law put him out and told him not to come back until he had figured himself out. Around this same time she found out she was expecting their second child. Telling him about the baby only made things worse. I don't think my brother ever wanted kids and now he was going to have two. He alienated himself further and his Mrs. again moved in with me so I could help her through her pregnancy (I was assisted in this by her brother and believe me, I needed the assistance). My brother didn't even get to help name his own daughter, he was still off on his odyssey when she was born. That is, until the Mrs. filed for divorce last year. That seemed to wake him up and he swore he wanted to be a family again and that he would try harder. Said he would get a job closer to home so he could be around. She stopped the divorce proceedings but they still lived apart because she wanted proof that he was all in this time. Things have sort of been stalled in that place ever since.
My brother did keep his word and get a job closer to home. But he still travels a lot for work, which is not exactly proof that you want to work things out. For about four months (if that) he was seeing his kids everyday, going out on dates with his wife and trying to acclimate himself to being a family man. Until he wasn't anymore. I don't know if he tired of it or if something else contributed to his pulling away (again) but he spilled all the secrets he'd been hiding during their separation and some of them were pretty major. So she kicked him out again, and that's how it's been ever since.
So this morning my sis-in-law sits me down and tells me she's 90% sure she's going to file for divorce again but that last 10% is really nagging her and holding her back. She's not worried about the familial implications because she knows my family is always gonna be there for her. I love her like a sister and nothing's gonna change that. But it's more that she's been with this guy for almost 15 years and she's trying to figure out how they got from there to here. It's like she wants to understand that before she pulls the trigger. I can't fault her for that and it's not like there's any hurry since they're already basically living separate lives. It pisses me off that my brother is so nonchalant about it all. I mean, even if he's not in love with her anymore, she's still the mother of his children and I don't get how he could just feel nothing. But then that's always been an issue between the two of us; he thinks I "feel too much" and I think he doesn't feel enough. Whatever my sister's (I don't use the in-law anywhere but here to refer to her) decision, I'm gonna support her and be there for the kids. I can't imagine what she's going through and I already feel like I'm not doing enough. But I guess this is just another lesson in the only thing you can do is be there.

How Do I Feel By The End Of The Day? Are You Sad Because You're On Your Own? No...

Man, we played a crazy game of poker. And here's (one of many) entertaining convos that took place, this one about the dating site the best friend and I used to be on.

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Best Friend: I got messages from a conductor, a doctor and an IT guy.
Me: Like a train conductor?
Best Friend: No, [my nickname], like a symphony conductor.
Girl Friend: What's wrong with the doctor?
Me: He's Indian.
Male Best Friend: Hater.
Best Friend: It's not cuz of that! He actually asked in his second message if I would quit working if I married a doctor.
All: Oh.
Me: Well...there's always the lesbian.
Best Friend: Did you really just suggest I sleep with a woman?
Me: Hey, I said you should write her back but obviously you have other urges.
Male Best Friend: How come no guys ever hit on you?
Me: I guess I'm not pretty enough.
Girl Friend: Or you're too pretty.
Me: You're right. I am too pretty. What happened to the two dudes you were interested in?
Best Friend: One was Canadian-
All: EW!!
Best Friend: Yeah, and he wasn't crazy about kids. The other one Twitters.
Girl Friend: I think it's called Tweeting.
Best Friend: Whatever. Point is, he sounds like a total ass on his Twitter page.
Me: So now you're dating or not dating dudes based on their Twitter pages?
Best Friend: No! But it's like FB cuz it shows you the real personality, not what they want you to read about on a dating site.
Cousin-In-Law/Friend: How did you even find his Twitter page?
Best Friend: He put his full name in his profile cuz he said he'd rather talk on FB.
Me: I don't get why people think FB is such a big deal.
Girl Friend: Says the guy with a main profile pic of his ass in a tree.
Me: And a "wife". But that proves my point in a way, I wouldn't have a problem with people off that site seeing my FB page. I just don't wanna share my name or pics of my kid with them.
Cousin-In-Law/Friend: I couldn't date anyone with a Twitter page...or an Asian.
Me: You do know [Best Friend] is Asian, right?
Cousin-In-Law/Friend: What do you mean?
Best Friend: A: India is a part of Asia. B: My dad is half Japanese. Hence the last name babe.
Cousin-In-Law/Friend: Huh. I did not know that. Though I did Google your last name once cuz it didn't sound like a Indian name.
Best Friend: You Googled me?!
Girl Friend: You're Googling your suitors off this site when you can and you're on Gaby for doing the same thing...
Male Best Friend: You're married, why would you date anybody?
Cousin-In-Law/Friend: Options, [male best friend's name].
Me: You do know you're married to my sister basically, right?
Cousin-In-Law/Friend: Oh...yeah.
Me: So you're not gonna write back the lesbian, huh?
Best Friend: Hell no! (pause) How come you think nobody else wants us?
Girl Friend: Um, I have someone. It's ya'll nobody wants.
Male Best Friend: Maybe we're just too much awesomeness for people to handle.
Cousin-In-Law/Friend: Dudes, we just talked about how we Google people and judge based off Twitter posts. No wonder nobody wants to put up with this group.
Me: I believe the kids call them Tweets. And I don't judge off meaningless crap like that. But then I also don't understand Twitter.
Male Best Friend: You sound so much older than 30 there.
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Too much awesomeness for people to handle. I like it.

If One Parent Fells The Other In The Woods, Does It Make A Sound?

The past few days have been interesting for me. The mother of my child and I are still on not so good terms but she seems to have been making an effort lately, though not full on committed to laying down her arms. She didn't get snippy with me yesterday when she picked up our daughter for their date and today she mentioned she was taking our girl camping next weekend, and she invited me along. Once I got over the initial shock of her actually going camping (she's an indoor girl if ever there was one), I told her I'd think about it and having been doing so ever since. Part of me thinks it's a good idea to go and try to air out all of our issues in a setting where there's little distraction. But the other part of me is screaming out that this is a terrible idea.
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Well that's the blog I started yesterday to sort out whether or not I was gonna go camping with the mother of my child and our daughter. Roughly 24 hours later, consider the decision made. Glad I didn't waste all that time thinkin'. A friend of mine, in the midst of a divorce and with a son about a year younger than my daughter, mentioned to me that sometimes you get out of a relationship because it's the best thing but that fate's little joke is that you end up working harder not together. Because it's a constant battle to put aside your feelings for the person and do what's best for your kid. I have never had more trouble putting aside my feelings for someone than I have lately with my ex. EVERYBODY I know, including my ex's mother, thinks she needs to f-cking grow up and act like an adult. I have no idea who is encouraging her immaturity right now, since the boy toy is outta the picture. So what exactly made my decision for me? She asked if the three of us (kid, her and me) could go to breakfast this morning and I agreed, thinking the past few days were maybe a sign she was open to working on things. But I was wrong. She started talking about how she feels the best thing for our kid is for us to get back together and how I "never really tried" and all the same crap she's been saying for ages. Because I apparently don't get a choice in the matter. It boiled down to, "we're apart cuz you wanted it this way and now that you've seen there's nothing else out there (in her view, not mine), you should see that we should be together". How can she not see how much was wrong with that relationship? How can she claim we'd be better together when she clearly doesn't even care what I want/need? *sigh* I don't get it. But I don't like being blindsided like that. She knew I thought this was gonna be a conversation about custody and she let me walk into it with that assumption. It's ridiculous.